Knowing Her

by Raquel De Leon

  Teresa chuckled. “She’s a sweet and very clever girl. When she becomes a teenager, you’re going to have an interesting time.”

  Vivian arched an eyebrow. “Like you’ll be able to escape it, tía Teresa?”

  Lian hugged her knees to her chest, dipping her head against them to hide her mirth. Teresa quieted at the tease, a blissful smile blossoming on her face.

  “Well, when you put it that way,” Teresa said in a hushed voice. She and Vivian stared at each other for a long moment, communicating something Lian could only guess at.

  “Me alegro de que hayas vuelto.” Vivian leaned forward to squeeze Teresa’s knee.

  Teresa nodded. “Yo también.”

  Lian looked away and fidgeted with her bracelet, feeling guilty in witnessing their private moment. She wasn’t fluent in Spanish, but she was sure she understood; they were glad to be back in each other’s lives.

  She glanced around, spotting Sharon and a slightly shorter girl walking in their direction. “Sharon’s here.”

  “Hey guys!” Sharon said when she was a few strides away. She was dressed similarly to the last time they’d seen one another, in a white t-shirt with a watercolor rainbow print and jeans. She cleared her throat as they stopped next to the blanket and held up her girlfriend’s hand. “So, this is Jen.”

  Lian waited patiently as introductions were exchanged, smiling and accepting Jen’s handshake when it was her turn. She knew Sharon and Jen were the same age, though Jen seemed the shyer of the two. Jen was also in jeans, hers skinny rather than boot-cut, and a pastel pink V-neck emblazoned with Be Careful Who You Hate, It Could Be Someone You Love in big block letters. Her dirty blonde hair was raised in a short tail, keeping the strands from her softly blushing cheeks.

  She and Sharon were cute together. Lian slid a look to where April and Vivian were sitting, Vivian still cuddled into April’s side. Lian sighed, straining to recall what it felt like, or if she really cared. With a shrug, she transferred her attention to the stage. Movement indicated that something was about to happen. The pre-recorded music that had been playing from the speakers was being replaced by a band.

  They shifted around on the blanket so they could all fit comfortably. Teresa ended up moving closer to Lian with an apologetic smile, but Lian didn’t mind.

  “I’m glad you came,” Teresa whispered just before the band began doing sound checks.

  Lian pursed her lips into a smile, vaguely tilting her head toward everyone else. “I guess it would suck to be the fifth wheel.”

  Teresa snorted. “No.” She paused. “Well, yes. But also, no. We’re friends, right?”

  “Of course.” Lian gripped her ankles, hoping Teresa couldn’t see the movement in the fading light. She didn’t sense any hints of the desperation she’d seen the other night, but she still worried.

  “It’s nice to get to hang out with you like this.”

  Lian relaxed, letting go of her ankles and taking a deep breath. “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.” Teresa smiled.

  “Cool.” Lian smiled back without realizing it, a warm feeling in her stomach. She frowned slightly and licked her lips. Maybe she was hungry. “Before they really start up on stage, you wanna go see what kind of food the stands have?”

  To her confusion, Teresa burst into laughter.

  “What?” Lian asked, her frown growing.

  Teresa shook her head, a lopsided smile lingering on her face. “No, nothing. Let’s go.” She stood before Lian could question her further and addressed the group. “We’re going to check out the food. Anyone want anything?”

  ***

  They ended up scouting the food stands first, identifying potential options with the intent of forming a plan. Teresa had to bite her lip as she watched Lian mutter to herself, arms crossed as she deliberated.

  “The benefit to coming with a group of friends,” Lian said with a delighted expression, “is being able to pick out a buffet of options.”

  “Oh, is that all?” Teresa asked with a grin.

  Lian paused, her expression serious as she contemplated her response. “No,” she said with a glance at Teresa, “I guess not.”

  Teresa considered teasing her but decided against it. Lian wasn’t like other friends she’d had, who tended on the chaotic end of the personality spectrum. Lian was quiet and meticulous, and there was something soothing about that—especially since she’d learned the truth about Holly. She swallowed at the thought.

  “Okay, I think I’ve got it,” Lian said.

  “I’m following you,” Teresa replied with a slight bow and a wave of her hand.

  Lian squinted at her, then nodded. “Okay, come on.”

  Teresa’s mind wandered as she did just that, placidly accepting her role as a pack mule. She’d loved spending time with her sister, April, and Makayla during the earlier show’s kid-friendly concert. Especially Makayla, who was so delightful and goofy that Teresa hadn’t had time to dwell on heavy thoughts. After, when April had left to take Makayla to the sitter’s, things had been more difficult. Vivian had asked how she was doing, and she was reminded of the violated feeling she’d struggled with off and on since seeing Holly and her wife at Pride. They’d talked for a bit, then listened to the music piping from the stage stereo that had temporarily replaced the live music.

  Lian’s arrival had been a welcome distraction. Unfortunately, Teresa had started thinking of Holly again when Sharon arrived. None of them reminded her of Holly, per se; it was more seeing happy couples that bothered her. She’d wanted that with Holly. She wanted that.

  “Here,” Lian said as she handed over two large white-and-red checkered paper trays loaded with food. One was piled precariously with half-cobs of corn, the other with a variety of shish kebabs.

  Teresa blinked down at the trays unexpectedly in each of her hands, then toward Lian’s back. She hurried to catch up. Lian was already standing in another line. She felt herself starting to crack as Lian scrutinized the cheap printed menu hanging from the edge of the stall. Her lips twitched as she tried to hold her amusement in.

  “You alright?” Lian asked without pulling her attention from the menu.

  “Absolutely.” Teresa felt a laugh tickle the back of her throat. It was absurd, wasn’t it? Nearly every time she thought of anything heavy—

  “Try this,” Lian said abruptly. She held up a small piece of meat that had been skewered on a toothpick. “I can’t decide between beef or chicken.”

  “Okay,” Teresa glanced down at her occupied hands, then began adjusting her grip.

  Lian shrugged and held the meat out, her interest swapping to the grill where the chicken was sizzling.

  It made Teresa relax and lean over to accept the tidbit. She chewed thoughtfully. “The beef is pretty good.”

  “I thought so too. The chicken seems a little dry. Beef it is!”

  Teresa’s eyes widened as she observed a plate being loaded with the beef and potato salad. Lian paid for it with a grin, then hefted the plate in both hands. “Okay, let’s pick up some drinks and head back. The music is starting.” She paused and grabbed some plastic forks and napkins, then made a beeline for another stall.

  They managed to carry all the cold drinks by squeezing them between their arms. The sun had fully set, only the park lanterns and some strategic fairy lights left to guide them back to the blanket. Teresa was shivering by the time they reached their friends again.

  “Oh, that smells good.” Sharon rubbed her hands together.

  Lian brightened, deftly depositing the plate and drinks down to the blanket. “I can confirm it’s all good.” Without missing a beat, she turned and helped relieve Teresa of her own tasty burdens, pulling at the bottom of one of the paper trays to reveal a few spares.

  She seemed comfortable as she handed them out with napkins and forks, nudging the containers toward Sharon and allowing the younger woman to serve herself first.

  Teresa curled her arms tightly against her chest and smiled, wiping
her bare arms where the cold drinks had been pressed. It was growing cooler by the moment, and she began to mildly regret her choice in tops.

  “Here,” Lian said as she paused in serving herself. She put her tray and fork down, hands tugging at the tied sleeves around her waist.

  “Oh, no. I’m fine.” Teresa shook her head. “You might need it.”

  Lian’s brow furrowed. “My sister made me bring it.”

  Vivian opened her mouth to say something, but April lightly gripped her arm and subtly shook her head.

  “I’m not even using it, Teresa.” Lian held the sweater out.

  With a sigh, Teresa accepted it. “I doubt it’ll even fit.” She was at least half a foot taller than Lian.

  “I always buy them a few sizes bigger,” Lian rebutted as Teresa fumbled with its zipper.

  Teresa was delightfully surprised to find it almost fit perfectly. The sleeves were a little short, but the hem went past her hips and she was able to fully zip up. “I stand corrected. Thanks.”

  An odd look overcame Lian’s face, and then she shook her head and went back to serving herself. “No problem.”

  Thirty minutes after they’d finished eating and cleaning up, April produced another blanket. All six of them huddled together to share it. Teresa offered Lian her sweater back, but Lian only shrugged and said the shared blanket and body heat were enough for her.

  Teresa leaned into her a little more, feeling guilty but accepting the explanation. She’d return the sweater if Lian started shivering.

  When the second band hit the stage, they all forgot the cold. The first band had been okay, but the second was on another level. Teresa got goosebumps listening to the singer’s voice, knowing she was probably hearing someone who would be famous someday.

  “Do you know who this is?” Lian asked as one song ended and the intro to another started. “I wasn’t paying attention in the beginning.”

  “No, sorry,” Teresa said with genuine regret. “I want to know, too.”

  “I’ll pull up the event info later.” Lian’s expression was determined but her voice was distracted.

  A soft, melancholic ballad had started, the singer’s voice full of wistful longing. Speaking seemed disrespectful, so Teresa closed her eyes and told herself to ask Lian about it later. It was a song about lost love and, to Teresa’s ears, about coming out.

  Her chest was tight, full of the haunting ache of her own troubled coming out process. Besides Vivian, none of her family knew she had moved back. It was a secret she knew weighed heavily on Vivian, even if Vivian never complained about it. Teresa just wasn’t ready. Not yet.

  Lian leaned further into her. “Sorry,” she said while still concentrating on the stage, “draft of air.”

  Teresa blinked hard. She seriously contemplated if Lian was somehow a mind reader. With a quiet huff, she shook her head and decided to enjoy the rest of the show.

  ***

  Lian was exhausted by the time she made it home. She’d stayed out later than she’d intended, but she didn’t mind. It had been fun. It had been a lot of things. She blinked as she remembered the second band, pulling out her phone to look up their name. The bright screen lit up the dark entryway as she made a few specific searches. Only moments later, she found what she was looking for. She opened a new text, her thumbs hovering over the digital keyboard as she thought of what to type.

  Should she even tell Teresa? The song about coming out had punched Lian in the chest, and she’d instinctively known it was having the same effect on Teresa. She held her breath.

  With a shake of her head, she let it out in a big burst. Teresa was an adult, and capable of making her own decisions. She’d wanted to know the band, too.

  With a flurry of her thumbs, she typed out the answer and hit send.

  “You’re home late.”

  Caroline’s voice jolted Lian back to reality. She swallowed and tucked her phone back into her pocket, mentally shifting gears. “I hope I didn’t wake you.”

  “Nah.” Caroline stepped back from the doorway, her body angled sideways in a clear invitation to the kitchen.

  Lian looked toward the dark hallway that led to her room, then back to Caroline. “Couldn’t sleep then, huh?” she asked as she followed her sister to the kitchen.

  “No. Lucky me.” Caroline turned left, taking a seat at the kitchen table and wrapping her hands around a softly steaming mug. “The kettle’s still hot if you want some, too.”

  “Wouldn’t mind it.” Lian crossed and pulled a plain white mug from the cupboard. She opened another and retrieved the small wooden box that held the chamomile. She scooped some into a mesh tea infuser and carefully closed it, then deposited the infuser into her mug. “So, anything in particular keeping you awake?” She asked as she poured the hot water.

  “Not really. I might have the jitters about closing arguments tomorrow. Or maybe it’s the curry I had earlier. Maybe both.”

  “Hm.” Lian returned the kettle to the stove and put the box of tea away. She picked up her mug and joined her sister. “I haven’t seen you have jitters about a case since your first year.”

  “The curry, then,” Caroline said with a smile that didn’t reach her eyes. She sighed and took a sip of tea. “I’m glad you went out tonight.”

  Lian made a noncommittal noise in her throat and slightly twisted her mug.

  “No, really. I’m glad you’re making friends and doing things.”

  “I have friends. I do things.” Lian kept her tone light. She and Caroline had ‘debated’ online friendships once or twice, and she wasn’t looking to engage in another.

  “I know. I just, you’re my little sister. I want you to be happy.”

  Lian pursed her lips together in amusement. She leaned forward. “You’re my big sister. I want you to be happy, too.”

  Caroline visibly fought against a smile, her mouth twisting as she tried not to give in. She relented, then rolled her eyes. “Were all your friends there?”

  “Yeah. It’s good I went, or Teresa would have been the only non-coupled person.”

  “How’s she doing?” Caroline inquired with a small furrow between her brows.

  Lian played with the chain of the infuser, thinking it had probably steeped long enough. Caroline nudged a small plate over where another used mesh ball was already resting. Lian added hers to the plate. “All things considered… she’s doing alright. There were a few moments when I could tell she was having a hard time, so I tried to keep her distracted.”

  Caroline guffawed. “I bet.” She paused. “Aren’t you glad I made you grab a sweater? It got pretty cool out.”

  It was then that Lian realized she’d forgotten to get it back from Teresa. Well, she’d just get it back another time. They had lunch together at least once a week anyway. “Yeah. The sweater came in handy.” She took a cautious drink from her mug. The warmth was satisfying. “You want to tell me what’s really keeping you up?”

  The sound of Caroline’s mug being set down was so forceful, Lian worried it might wake Colton.

  Caroline’s fingertips were white as she gripped it. “One of Colton’s younger cousins got pregnant. It was an accident. She’s been on the pill, her boyfriend uses condoms, and she still got pregnant. They’ve been debating their options for a while now, apparently.” Lian reached out and gently nudged Caroline’s hands until they released their deathly grip on the mug. She didn’t say anything, knowing nothing would help. Caroline’s face was a mask of exhaustion that went beyond physical weariness. “They decided not to keep it.”

  Lian was up from her chair and around the table in an instant. Caroline was pro-choice in theory; that didn’t mean her feelings about it were simple. Lian wasn’t sure why fate could be so cruel, but she was glad she was around to help Caroline in whatever miniscule way she could. Even, she thought as her sister cried into her shoulder, if she could only provide mild comfort.

  As her own eyes began to sting, soft footsteps caught her attention. Colto
n, appearing just as tired as Caroline, was suddenly in the doorway. He strode over swiftly but silently, his attention solely on Caroline. Without a word, he wrapped himself around her from behind, his arms reaching all the way to Lian’s back.

  Only then did Lian allow herself a few tears.

  After a moment she sniffled and scooted back, knowing that Caroline was in good arms. Colton nodded and let her go, whispering soft words into Caroline’s ear.

  Lian retreated to her room and tried not to think as she changed into her pajamas. She stared at her desk, then her bed. Still debating, she turned the light off. Her phone lit up on her desk. She sucked in a breath, relieved that someone else had made the decision for her. She grabbed the phone and found her bed in the dark, smiling when she realized the text was from Teresa.