“I think it’s part of that whole big teddy bear thing.” Lian softly frowned as she seemed to seriously consider it. “He just seems like a good guy, and he’s got pretty good comedic timing. Not to mention he’s awesome to watch in a fight.”
Her solemnity made Teresa chuckle. She bumped her shoulder lightly into Lian’s as they walked out into the concession area. “Should I be worried?” she joked.
Lian raised her eyebrows, her mouth curling slightly at the edges. “If Dwayne Johnson walked in here and offered to take me out on a date? Not at all. Now, if it was Gal Gadot or Jason Momoa, well—”
Teresa snorted out a laugh and shook her head. “Wow, okay.”
Lian squeezed her hand, dark eyes glimmering with mirth. “You know I’m joking, right?”
“Yeah,” Teresa gently swung their joined hands as they reached the exit. She pushed it open with her right shoulder, glancing back to Lian with a smile. “But I guess my ego could survive if you left me for one of them.”
Instead of responding, Lian glanced around the sidewalk. There were plenty of people going in and out of the theater, but Lian seemed to be handling their presence without qualms. “You want to walk around a bit? I shouldn’t have had popcorn since I was already full from dinner.”
Teresa nodded, happy to have an excuse to hold Lian’s hand a little while longer.
They walked in silence, passing some stores that would probably be closing soon and some busy restaurants that would be open for a while yet.
For a few steps, Teresa closed her eyes. She sighed and looked up at the night sky. She couldn’t really see the stars, but she could imagine them. “I feel like such a lesbian right now.”
Lian made a choking sound, and then burst into laughter. “Okay, then.”
Teresa bowed her head and smiled. “No, I mean it.” She adjusted her grip on Lian’s hand, wondering if it was about to become embarrassingly sweaty. “I said we should take things slow, but we’ve been spending so much time together it’s like we’re already a step away from renting a U-haul.”
“Oh. Is that… good or bad?”
She felt Lian’s thumb wiggle against her hand. “It’s not bad,” she rushed to explain. “It just is. I know it might seem du,” she cut herself off before she could finish the word. “I mean, silly, for me to say but I think maybe it might even be good. I’m not as scared as I thought I would be. I’m not as scared as I probably should be.”
Lian lightly squeezed her fingers.
Teresa glanced around, then led them to an unoccupied bench situated between a darkened store and a restaurant. She sat and waited for Lian to do the same. “It hasn’t been long at all, but I think I’m ready to call this for what it is.”
“And what is it?” Lian’s grip tightened.
In that moment, Teresa wanted to remember everything. The streetlight positioned near the bench kept Lian’s face perfectly in the light. Her dark hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail. There was a light sheen of sweat at Lian’s temples, the faint summer breeze not quite enough to keep it from forming. Her dark eyes were steady and patient. The stars weren’t visible; there was no gentle music swelling in the background, but as Teresa gathered her courage, she felt magic when their eyes met. It wasn’t fireworks and fairy tales—but her breath caught, and she could feel anticipation tingling in her fingertips.
“When you’re ready,” Teresa gave Lian a gentle smile, “I think I’d like to call you my girlfriend.”
“Girl friend?” Lian pursed her lips and frowned. “Like, gal pal? Potential longtime companion you’ll eschew the company of men for?”
Teresa caught the mischievous glimmer in her eye and laughed. “No, like,” and rather than saying more, she kissed Lian full on the mouth.
When Lian smiled into the kiss, Teresa couldn’t help but do the same. She felt just as giddy as she had the first time. Not that it had been all that long, she reminded herself, but that didn’t really matter. She could easily fall in love with Lian.
It wasn’t time to second-guess everything or pretend like that wasn’t real. It was time to just let herself fall.
“So, just to confirm,” Lian said with a straight face, “like this.”
Teresa lost herself in the second kiss, Lian’s lips parting a tantalizing amount as they invited deeper contact. If it weren’t so dark, perhaps she’d feel embarrassed to be making out in public. Lian cupped her face and pulled her closer.
“Um,” Teresa fumbled for words as she finally caught her breath. “Yeah. Like that. Just, let me know when you’re ready.”
“Is that a legitimate question?” Lian raised her eyebrows and smiled crookedly.
Teresa swallowed and licked her lips. “Yes? With my recent history, I’d really like to hear you say it.”
Lian’s expression softened in a way that made Teresa’s chest ache. “I’d love to officially date you and call you my girlfriend.” She shyly glanced away. “I just hope you don’t mind if we still take things slow, um, physically. I’m still trying to figure some stuff out.”
“I don’t mind in the least.” Teresa reached up and tucked some stray hairs behind Lian’s ear. “I can wait until you’re ready.”
With a last chaste kiss, Teresa felt an indescribable joy that filled her chest and let her hope. Maybe they wouldn’t get everything quite right, but she knew Lian would try. So would she. It was a terrifying and beautiful thought, and she was looking forward to every moment.
***
The next morning when Lian woke up, she was tempted to pinch herself. The room was dim, but she knew she wasn’t in her own bed. She was instead bundled up in a pale purple comforter, her body wrapped loosely around Teresa’s. Their heads were on the same pillow, and Lian could smell the soft floral scent of Teresa’s shampoo. Lavender and honey.
She inhaled deeply, wondering if it was possible for that to smell even better just because she’d woken up next to Teresa. She closed her eyes and smiled. It didn’t matter.
Content to remain where she was, she relaxed with the intent of letting herself doze off.
She felt something land on the bed, so she forced her eyes open.
Artemis, looking displeased, was stalking toward Teresa’s head.
Lian blinked hard and frowned. “No,” she whispered. “Let her sleep.”
Artemis continued her trajectory, meowing almost in defiance to Lian’s command.
Under her arm, Teresa’s body shook with silent laughter.
“It’s okay, Lian,” Teresa said in a sleepy voice. “I’m used to it. At least I woke up before she tried to suffocate me.”
Artemis meowed again but slowed when Teresa initiated a soothing chin scratch. She gave Teresa a forlorn look.
Teresa chuckled. “Don’t worry, I’m getting up to feed you right now.”
“I’ll do it.” Lian pushed up on her elbow, pausing to press a soft kiss to Teresa’s shoulder. “I’ve been up a while. Why don’t you try to sleep a little more?”
“Are you sure?” Teresa rolled onto her back and gave Lian a drowsy smile.
Lian’s stomach fluttered. She shifted some of Teresa’s hair on the pillow, careful to keep it from sliding under her elbow. “Absolutely.” She bent her head, ignoring Teresa’s amused warning about morning breath to kiss her full on the mouth anyway.
“Don’t worry,” she said as she straightened, “I know where Artemis’s food is.”
“Hot.” Teresa grinned, her eyes crinkling and her dimple appearing. She yawned. “This girlfriend thing is already paying off.”
Charmed, Lian didn’t verbally respond. By the time she stood up, Teresa’s eyes were closed again.
Artemis, sensing her breakfast was finally coming, meowed as she followed Lian into the kitchen.
Lian picked up Artemis’s bowl on her way in. She’d seen Teresa feed Artemis several times, so she knew the routine. It felt odd to be the one doing it, but also made her happy in the same way she’d been when Teresa wore something
of hers.
Once Artemis’s dish was full and back in place, Lian watched her. Artemis approached it hesitantly, as if she was debating eating it. Lian narrowed her eyes. Artemis took a dainty bite, then went back for another.
“Good.” Lian stretched and looked around the apartment. She’d borrowed some satiny PJ bottoms from Teresa the night before. She had to admit they felt kind of nice. With a yawn, she decided to crawl back into bed and sleep a little longer. She made a brief stop in the guest bathroom on her way back.
When she opened the bedroom door, she was surprised to find Teresa sitting up in bed, her back against the headboard.
Lian frowned. “Hey. It’s still crazy early. You can go back to sleep. Artemis is fine.”
“Hm?” Teresa looked at her, blinked, and then subtly shook her head. “Oh, sorry. No, I’m not worried about Artemis.”
Noting that Teresa’s body language was open, Lian hesitantly took up a place beside her. She stopped a few inches shy of touching, but then Teresa made her feel better by scooting closer and taking her hand. She sighed and entwined their fingers. “Then what’s up?”
Teresa remained silent.
Lian waited.
“It’s Sunday.”
“That’s right.” Lian waited some more.
Teresa inhaled, and then looked directly over at Lian. “Like you said, it’s still early.”
“That’s right.”
“Do you,” Teresa paused, her throat working. “Do you know what time my mom and Vivian usually go to the Farmers Market?”
Understanding hitting Lian, she nodded. “Yes.” She watched Teresa for a reaction.
“If I, you.” Teresa squinted and blew out a raspberry. “If I said I wanted to go pick out some fresh vegetables, what time would we need to leave?”
Lian squeezed her hand. “If we wanted to make it in good time, I would say no later than thirty minutes.”
Teresa frowned as she stared at the comforter. “Okay.” She nodded slightly. “Okay, yeah. Let’s do that.”
“Sure. Can I borrow your toothpaste?”
Teresa spared her a smile. Her shoulders were tense, but it seemed genuine. “Yeah, and a shirt. If you like.”
Knowing the one she was wearing was horribly wrinkled from sleeping in it, Lian smiled back. “That sounds good.” She squeezed Teresa’s hand one more time and let it go.
Teresa rose to her feet, restlessly moving one way and another, before heading to a dresser and digging through it. She pulled out a shirt, then glanced at Lian. “I actually think I have an unused travel kit somewhere. Let me see if I can dig that out.”
Lian nodded but Teresa was already moving again. She breathed carefully for a few moments, steadying herself for what would probably be a very emotional morning. She didn’t have any real concern about Teresa coming out to Ana, but Teresa’s anxiety was palpable.
Twenty-seven minutes later found them both sitting in Lian’s Honda. She paused, her finger over the start button. “You sure you want to do this?”
Teresa laughed manically; her eyes were wide with fear. “No. But I feel like I need to.”
Lian started the car, then reached for her hand. “I’ll drive you, but when we get there, you can still decide not to do this. You don’t have to come out. You don’t owe anyone anything. It’s okay. I promise.”
“Yeah?” Teresa’s lips wobbled. She looked ready to cry. “That sounds nice, but what I need you to promise is that you won’t let me sit in the car. I can’t let this hang over my head for another day.”
“If that’s what you really want, then I promise.” Lian gave her a concerned look. “I feel like we need a safe word. I’ve read about those.”
Teresa blinked, then burst into real laughter. Halfway through, a sob broke free. Tears leaked from the corner of her eyes, leaving faded tracks rolling down her cheeks. She shook her head. “No.” Her chest heaved unsteadily as she struggled to catch her breath. “I can do this. Just… hold my hand, will you?”
“Absolutely.” Lian brought Teresa’s hand to her mouth and kissed the back of it.
Teresa seemed to calm, though Lian knew it was fragile. They shared a smile, and then she checked her mirrors and shifted the car into drive.
Chapter Sixteen
Lian’s hand kept Teresa anchored as they drove. She wasn’t sure how long it took, but vaguely understood they were headed in the general direction of Vivian’s loft. She was trying to prepare herself. There was a good chance of being deadnamed, and—was she really ready?
Her breathing became unsteady. She gripped Lian’s hand tighter and closed her eyes. Yes.
It was tiring, worrying about what would happen when she came out to her family. She’d been hiding her identity for over fifteen years. Her mom was probably the safest starting point, after Vivian. If she were being honest with herself, she knew she could survive without them. She had been doing fine on her own. But if she could have Vivian, could she have some other family back, too?
Growing up, there had always been cousins, aunts, and uncles around. Alone was a concept she hadn’t understood until she’d begun to recognize the way she saw herself was different from how everyone else saw her. If only tía Angelina hadn’t died…
Tía Angelina hadn’t been a Barrera by blood, but she had grown up with Teresa’s mother. She and Ana had been closer than sisters, and Teresa had always wondered if Angelina had known she wasn’t cisgender.
“You don’t need breasts to be a woman,” tía Angelina had told Teresa right before she’d gone in for her double mastectomy. “The outside? Doesn’t matter. People can say what they want in the neighborhood. I know who and what I am. Don’t ever let anyone tell you who you are.” It had always puzzled Teresa; in a room full of people, her tía had told her that. Perhaps it was just wishful thinking.
She allowed it to give her hope. Her mom and aunt had shared a lot of the same beliefs. If her mom could support her, she could handle any other rejection.
They turned off from the main street and began to slow. She held her breath as Lian pulled into an empty parking space. Past several long rows of cars, she could see the stands of produce. The Farmers Market was busy.
“This is it,” Lian said as she turned the car off.
Teresa took a deep breath, silently searching for Vivian’s car. “Thanks.” Lian hadn’t complained about holding her hand even though it made shifting gears awkward.
Lian gave her a small smile, her eyes shining with encouragement. “Anytime.”
They quietly watched people coming and going for a few minutes. With a shuddering sigh, Teresa released Lian’s hand and opened her door. It was early enough that the morning was still pleasantly cool. She shut her door and was relieved when Lian immediately circled the car and entwined their fingers again.
“I don’t see Vivian’s car,” Teresa said as she tried to distinguish what the first vendor was selling. They were too far away for her to clearly see.
“Your mom’s is over there.” Lian nudged her head to the left, but Teresa had no idea which vehicle she was referring to.
Teresa inhaled sharply, then nodded. “Okay. They’re here. I can do this.”
As they walked through the parking lot, Teresa wondered how Lian had found an open space. The few times she’d driven by the small park near Vivian’s building it had seemed relatively unused. She wasn’t sure if she felt better or worse about there being so many people. As they progressed up the sidewalk, side-stepping twice to let other people by, she imagined how it would be to see her mom again. She’d see Ana first, directly across, maybe picking out some oranges. The world would fade away and her mother would sense her gaze—
Only, when they reached the first stall, no such thing happened. “It is absurdly busy,” she observed with wide eyes.
“You can say that again,” Lian muttered.
Teresa frowned and glanced at her. “Are you going to be okay?”
Lian solemnly considered the question, then sm
iled crookedly. “Yeah. I might need to recharge alone for a while later, though.”
“Just let me know if it gets too bad, okay?” The twisting in Teresa’s stomach settled; worrying about Lian was a quick way to derail her fear.
“Will do.”
It struck Teresa that she had no idea what her mother looked like anymore. Was her style the same? And her hair? She used to wear it braided back for work most of the time. Was it greying, or was Ana dyeing it? She’d try to spot Vivian and go from there.
Knowing Her Page 19