by C. C. Dado
Jamie’s silence had David continuing.
“What’s going on, Jamie? I can’t really give you any advice if I’m not sure what’s going on.”
“I guess I’m wondering if maybe we have more in common than I thought.”
“Are you saying you think you’re gay?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think so. Maybe bisexual. There is someone that likes me, that is making me question what I thought about myself.”
“Does Levi know?”
Jamie wasn’t sure if he should mention Levi. He wasn’t sure if Levi wanted anyone to know, but this was his brother and he had to talk to someone.
“It is Levi. He told me how he felt, then he just left, and he won’t have anything to do with me now.”
David didn’t respond for a second.
“He looks at you like Nathan looks at me. I don’t think I ever realized that before, but now that I think back, it makes sense. So how do you feel about him? Is there something other than friendship there for you?”
“That’s just it, David. I don’t know.” Jamie ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. “I’m so fucking confused. He’s my life, but I just don’t know. There’s been moments lately that I… I’m just confused. I feel like, if I took that step to find out that there’s no going back.”
“Well it doesn’t sound like you can go back to the way you were before anyways. What do you have to lose, Jamie?”
“It feels like everything.”
“Hey, you will get through this. I promise, and I am always here for you, little brother, you know that.
“Thanks, David. I really needed to talk to someone.”
“Anytime. Why don’t you come home this weekend and have dinner with me and Nathan? I want you two to get to know each other better.”
“Okay. I’ll try to make it down. I’ve gotten a little behind in my classes so it might not be until next weekend, but I’ll make it down. Thanks again, David.”
“No problem. Bye, Jamie.”
Jamie stayed on Levi’s bed, rolled over and smelled Levi on the pillow, and eventually fell asleep still trying to decide what to do.
Chapter 12: Big homophobic closet (Sy)
SY WAS surprised to see Jamie standing on the other side of his apartment door. This guy was just full of surprises.
“Is he here?”
“No, I’m sure you know he has class this morning, and I do not have time for your big homophobic closet.” Sy turned around and walked back into his apartment, leaving the door open if Jamie wanted to follow.
“Are you two together?”
Sy could hear the hurt underlying the anger in Jamie’s words. “No.”
“I saw you at the party. I saw you two kissing in the bathroom,” Jamie confessed.
Sy refused to explain what had happened between him and Levi.
“I need your help,” Jamie said, the defeat in his voice stopping Sy cold.
“What kind of help?” Sy finally turned to face Jamie.
“I want to kiss you.” Jamie sounded determined.
“I’m sorry, what?” Sy said, his voice going higher in surprise.
“I want to kiss you. I need to know if I’m gay.”
“Are you attracted to me, Jamie?” Sy asked even though he already knew this was about Levi. These boys were enough to drive a gay man to drink.
“I don’t know, I don’t think so,” Jamie said, confusion clear in his voice, throwing himself into a chair. “I can’t lose him.”
“Are you attracted to him? Or do you just miss your friend?”
“I don’t know. I’m all fucking messed up inside. I don’t know how I feel. He’s all I can think about right now,” he said, his voice rising to near panic.
“Okay, calm down,” Sy said as he walked over to Jamie and put his hand on his shoulder comfortingly. “You dance for guys, right?”
“Yeah, but that’s just work. I don’t really get turned on. So are you saying I’m not gay?”
“No, I’m saying I want to try something. Lean back, close your eyes, and relax.” Sy straddled Jamie’s lap in the chair. Jamie tried opening his eyes.
“Shhh, don’t open your eyes.” Sy started to slowly kiss down Jamie’s neck. “Have you ever had this done to you by a guy, Jamie?”
“Uh, no,” Jamie said on a breath.
Sy continued his assault on Jamie’s neck, slowly moving up until he nipped at Jamie’s bottom lip. At the same time, he subtly started to grind on his lap, rubbing them together.
Jamie groaned, trying to pull away and deepen the kiss at the same time.
“Jamie?” Sy asked, moving his mouth huskily over Jamie’s earlobe.
“Yeah?” Jamie responded breathlessly.
“Whose face are you seeing in your mind?”
Jamie made a noise almost like a strangled choke.
“That’s what I thought, baby,” Sy said as he slowly got off Jamie’s lap.
Jamie kept his eyes closed and leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees. “How could I not have known?”
“Closets are hard to see in if the doors are closed.”
“I’ve gotta go,” Jamie said, getting up from the chair and grabbing his keys, which he had accidentally dropped on the floor. “I have to tell him. Shit, what am I going to tell him? What if I’m too late to tell him anything?”
“It’s not too late, baby. You popped the tags off that boy when you were fifteen. He’s bought and paid for. Now you just need to wear him and wear him proudly.”
“Was that a gay clothing metaphor?”
“Yes, yes it was. Now your problem is not whether Levi still loves you, it’s whether he will believe that you truly love him in that way. You will have to prove that to him somehow.”
Jamie stood there in thought for a second before a slow hundred-watt Jamie smile spread across his face.
“Thank you, Sy,” he said, running his hand through his hair as he turned and ran out the door.
“Go get your man, baby,” Sy softly said toward the empty door.
Chapter 13: I wasn’t not into it (Levi)
LEVI WALKED toward the quad, wondering why the fuck he had agreed to meet Jamie. He hadn’t seen or heard from Jamie since Saturday night, and he hadn’t been in class this morning. When his phone rang showing Jamie’s number, he was so relieved that Jamie was okay that he accepted the call without thinking. Jamie was a master manipulator when he really wanted something, and meeting with Levi was something he wanted, and apparently Levi “owed” him one last conversation.
Levi spotted Jamie standing up against the side of the observatory.
“Hey,” Jamie said, sticking his hands in his front pockets as Levi walked up. Nervous was not a look Levi associated with Jamie, but he was pretty sure that was what was going on.
“You weren’t in class today.”
“Yeah, I had something I needed to take care of.”
Levi stood there, not knowing what to say, just looking at Jamie, taking him in, like it was the first and last time. Being in the same space as Jamie overwhelmed all of Levi’s senses. This used to be his haven, being next to Jamie, and now it was his own personal Hades. “What did you need to talk about?” The words came out ruder than Levi intended, and he could tell by the look on Jamie’s face it was a shock to him as well.
“I talked to my parents yesterday.”
“Yeah?” Levi said, sticking his hands in his front pocket, mirroring Jamie, unsure of how to act around him anymore.
“I called and told them what was going on. I needed to talk to someone.”
“You told your parents I was gay?” Levi growled, taking a threatening step toward Jamie. “Thanks a lot, asshole. You know, usually people like to decide when they come out for themselves. You’re a real piece of work,” Levi said, turning away from Jamie and walking away before he knocked him out.
“Wait,” Jamie hollered, grabbing Levi’s arm from behind and spinning him around.
“No. Fuck you, Jamie,
” Levi yelled in Jamie’s face, pushing him backward. “Your parents are more like parents to me than my own have ever been. I can’t fucking believe you outed me to them without even talking to me about it.”
“I didn’t out you,” Jamie said, pausing. “I outed myself.”
Levi stood there staring at Jamie like he couldn’t have heard that correctly. “What do you mean you outed yourself?”
“Well, I guess I outed us both. I’m sorry. I didn’t even consider that you would not want them to know.”
“I don’t even understand what you’re saying. What do you mean you outed us both?”
Jamie looked at Levi and slowly pulled his shirt up and over his head, leaving him naked from the waist up.
Levi loved Jamie’s upper body, tanned and sculpted from years of sports. He paused when he noticed a bandage over the middle of Jamie’s chest. “What happened to you?” The argument was instantly replaced with concern.
Jamie peeled the bandage off his chest, exposing a tattooed skeleton key in the center of his chest, with a ribbon curling through the head of the key. Levi saw his name written in italic script across the ribbon. “I told them I’m in love with you.”
“What have you done, Jamie?”
“I’m not going to lose you.”
“So you’re going to pretend to be gay to keep me in your life? That’s a well thought-out plan if I’ve ever heard one. This isn’t a fucking joke, Jamie. The way I feel about you is not a fucking joke.”
“This isn’t a joke to me,” Jamie said, inching closer to Levi. “I told my parents because it’s true and I wanted them to support me in this, just like they supported David. I’ll have you know my mom was more worried about you than anything else. She said if I couldn’t love you the way you needed to be loved, I needed to walk away.”
Levi contemplated Jamie, his breathing heavy “You need to walk away,” he said quietly.
“I can’t. I don’t know how to do this, Levi, I don’t know if it will be horribly awkward or the best thing I’ve ever experienced, and it scares the shit out of me because I can’t live my life without you. Everything is just so jumbled up in my head, I don’t know how I feel. All I know is the only time my life feels right is when you are beside me.”
“I’m sorry, Jamie, I can’t be your experiment, and I wish I could stay by your side as your friend, but your mom was right, it’s slowly killing me.”
“You’re not an experiment. Sy was my experiment.”
“What? What the fuck do you mean Sy was your experiment?” Levi asked, moving closer to Jamie.
“I needed to know what it was like. And I didn’t want to risk making things worse between us by trying it with you, in case it went badly.”
“What the fuck does ‘it’ mean? What the fuck did you do with Sy?” Levi asked furiously. He knew he sounded like a jealous boyfriend as he wrapped his hand around the side of Jamie’s neck, pulling him forward.
“I just kissed him,” Jamie said, grabbing Levi’s wrist.
“Why did you need to know what it was like? Why did it even matter?”
“Because I saw you kiss him and wanted to rip his head off. I’ve never felt jealousy like that in my life. I wasn’t even sure that’s what it was at first. I went to Sy’s apartment to find out what was going on with you two, and things went kind of awry.”
“Did you like kissing him?” Levi asked, squeezing the back of Jamie’s neck possessively
“Um, he’s hot. I wasn’t not into it,” Jamie admitted, looking away from Levi’s stare. “But it wasn’t you. When I closed my eyes and felt his mouth on mine, I wanted it to be you.”
“Jesus, Jamie,” Levi said, slowly lowering his mouth closer to Jamie’s. He paused right before their lips touched.
“Please,” Jamie whispered as Levi closed the gap between them.
Jamie hooked his fingers in to Levi’s belt and pulled him closer. Levi couldn’t believe he was actually kissing Jamie. He pulled back to see if his world was going to come crashing down again at Jamie’s reaction to their kiss.
Jamie reached up, grasped Levi’s neck, and pulled him back down for another kiss. They were interrupted a few minutes later by a group of girls whistling at them as they passed by the observatory.
Jamie chuckled at getting caught making out behind a building. “Sorry,” he said, shyly looking up at Levi.
“I’m not sure what to do here, Jamie,” Levi admitted, gripping the waistband of Jamie’s pants, not wanting to let him go after the kiss they’d just shared.
“How about we just see how it goes? Like, date?” Jamie suggested. “How about a movie in our room? I think I need some private time with you to research this new side of us.”
Jamie calling it “our room” wasn’t lost on Levi. “Don’t do this for me. Please, promise me you are not just doing this for me. Maybe after some time has gone by, we can be friends again. I’m seeing a counselor here at school,” Levi admitted, hoping Jamie would see that pretending he wanted Levi was not the only way he could be in his life. “She’s helping me work through some stuff, so you don’t need to make this better. I don’t need you to fake something in order to make this better.”
“Trust me, what I’m feeling right now is not friendship or empathy. I don’t think I could be just friends with you now either. I’m sorry it took me so long to figure it out.”
Levi leaned down and kissed Jamie again.
Jamie grabbed Levi’s hands. “Come on, let’s go home.”
More from C.C. Dado
The Seattle Chronicles
When recent college graduate Nathan Harris makes a life-changing move out from under his mother’s thumb and into his own place, he is determined to take some risks. He is tired of not being good enough, tired of allowing his fears to control him.
What he thought would be an exciting adventure ends up being one jaw-dropping mishap of embarrassment after another, leaving him with a life he doesn’t even recognize anymore.
His once boring, lonely existence has been replaced by a brownstone filled with colorful friends, a rough around the edges, tattooed bad boy best friend, and a stripper for a boyfriend who’s not even sure he’s gay.
Elliot Beck may not have been blessed with mad art skills, a crooner’s voice, or a godlike physique, but he makes up for it with an abundance of quick-witted sarcasm, massive insecurities, and a love of bad boys.
After his best friend Trevor finds him naked and tied to his bed—abandoned by his latest troublemaker—Trevor convinces him to take a chance on a nice guy. When he has an awkward encounter in the men’s restroom with a fitness instructor named Chase, he never suspects the Adonis might be his perfect bad boy.
C.C. Dado is a native of the Pacific Northwest and a strong believer in the power of getting lost in someone else’s story, even if it is only for a little while.
Twitter: @C_C_Dado
E-mail: [email protected]
By C.C. Dado
Meet-Cute
THE SEATTLE CHRONICLES
Imposter in Zebra-striped Briefs
Say It With Ink
Published by Dreamspinner Press
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Published by
DREAMSPINNER PRESS
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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of author imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
Say It With Ink
© 2015 C.C. Dado.
Cover Art
© 2015 Alexandria Corza
http://www.ajcorza.com/
Cover content is for illustrative purposes only and any person depicted on the cover is a model.
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Digital ISBN: 978-1-62380-945-4
First Edition December 2015
Printed in the United States of America