Dirty Girl

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  Well, I hadn’t heard that story. I’d stormed out of the party and had gone home. It was the last time I’d seen Spencer, except from afar, and no one really talked about what had happened, at least to my face. My friends knew how upset I’d been, so they didn’t even whisper his name in my vicinity. I almost wish they’d told me about the aftermath, but honestly, I didn’t have a whole lot of friends in high school. They were more girls who I had classes and did sports with, but didn’t hang out with much outside of those things. I wasn’t one who went to parties much, mostly because I wasn’t invited. Parties made me super uncomfortable, so I declined even when I started getting invitations. They didn’t bother me so much anymore, but I had an inner circle of friends I trusted now. That hadn’t been the case in high school.

  “Wow,” I said at last. “I bet he was pissed.” The idea of Spencer being upset gave me so much joy.

  Her mouth turned up in the tiniest of smiles. “He was. He threatened all kinds of things, but I told him I didn’t give a fuck what he did to me because I was going away for college and I would never think or speak of his name again. I guess I was a little dramatic.” I laughed. I couldn’t blame her, I’d been the epitome of dramatic.

  “I wish I had been there to see that,” I said.

  Her smile got wider. “It was pretty great. I think about it a lot. I can’t believe I did that.” Our appetizers came and somehow... we started talking about other things. Non-Spencer things.

  I felt my entire body relax into the chair and I couldn’t stop talking to Quinn. I forgot about Spencer. I forgot about everything. I spilled out all the thoughts in my brain without even considering any of them.

  Quinn listened. She laughed. She sat there as I spun out my sad, sorry life and I felt like I was blooming, as if she was the sun.

  And then, when I had wrung myself out of words, she started talking. She told me about how she’d gone to Yale after high school (holy shit, smarty pants), had gotten a degree in Psychology and Gender Studies (wow), and now worked as a counselor at a non-profit that helped queer teens. She looked me right in the eyes and talked about how she’d dated a girl in college, but hadn’t had a serious relationship since, which finally made me interject.

  “So, you’re, uh...” I trailed off. I wasn’t normally so ridiculous about asking if someone was queer, but this was Quinn, who I’d known in high school. To be fair, I’d also thought I was heterosexual then.

  “A lesbian? Yeah. I am. That whole thing with Spencer? Trying desperately to tell myself that I was straight.” Oh. OH.

  That was when I started laughing. Like, full-on guffaws. People were staring, but I couldn’t stop. I was dying. I couldn’t breathe.

  Quinn just sat there with shock on her face.

  “I’m not... laughing at you... for being a lesbian...” I got a few words out, but it wasn’t easy. Finally, I wiped my eyes and took a deep breath.

  “I’m so sorry. I’m not laughing at you for being a lesbian. I’m laughing because I’m queer and I was using Spencer to try and convince myself I liked boys. I mean, I didn’t know that at the time, of course, but I know that now.” It took her a few moments to process that.

  “So we were both queer and using Spencer?” she said.

  “Looks like it,” I said, grinning at her. She shook her head.

  “I should probably feel bad for him, but I don’t,” she said and then she smiled at me. I dropped my fork. The food was delicious, but I wasn’t paying much attention to it. I was much too wrapped up in the beautiful girl sitting across from me and this bizarre conversation.

  “No way, he’s a total dick. I looked him up online after I saw you and he basically looks the same.” I made a face and so did Quinn.

  “How was it? Your kiss with Spencer?” I asked. I had never wondered until now. Spencer’s kisses had always been fine, I guess. I didn’t feel anything. I might as well have been putting my mouth on a cup to sip something. It was just one body part touching another body part. No sparks. No fire. And I drew the line at him sticking his tongue in my mouth, but he crossed that a lot. Thinking about that made me shudder.

  “It was... nothing. It was nothing. I thought my first kiss was going to be all fireworks and passion and it was just nothing. I might as well have pressed my lips to a wall. And when it was over and I saw your face, I felt like shit, Blake. Honestly, I have thought about contacting you so many times, but I figured you had moved on and I didn’t want to bring it up. And then there you were.” There I was.

  “And here I am.” The waiter came back for our empty plates and I was starting to feel warm and soft from the wine. Or maybe it was the company. Or both.

  He asked us if we wanted dessert and I didn’t want to leave just yet. I was still going to make her pay for this meal, but I didn’t want tonight to end.

  “I owe you dessert at least,” Quinn said. “Your choice.” I asked the waiter to list the choices and stopped him as soon as he got to “tiramisu.”

  “That. I want that. With two forks,” I said. He nodded and asked us if we wanted refills on wine. I looked at Quinn.

  “Go for it,” she said with a laugh. We both went for a second glass and the waiter left again.

  “Do you stay in touch with anyone from high school?” I asked. I figured she had, since she’d been so popular.

  Quinn shook her head.

  “Not really? I mean, a few people I see now and then, but mostly no. I didn’t have a lot of friends anyway.” My chin almost hit the table. What was she talking about?

  “But you were literally one of the most popular girls in school,” I said.

  She raised her dark brown eyebrows.

  “Are you kidding me right now?” I asked. She waved her hand as if she wanted me to elaborate. “Do you remember you from high school? You were in all the sports, all the clubs. Your damn face was on every yearbook page. You went to all the parties?” Did I hallucinate all that?

  “I mean, yes, I suppose it looked like that from the outside. Interesting. I never felt like I was close with any of those people. Not really. I was hiding an essential part of myself and that created walls. I couldn’t get close with anyone because there was always that part of myself that I hid. They tried to be my friend and then gave up when I couldn’t reciprocate. There was also the fact that I was trying to be someone I wasn’t. Someone pretty and femme and beloved by boys. I tried so hard and it always felt wrong. But I faked it until I could get out of there and figure myself out. Let’s just say my parents weren’t the most supportive.”

  The waiter arrived with our dessert, but now I was more interested in what Quinn had to say.

  “They weren’t?” I asked. I had seen her parents. Just as pretty and sophisticated as you’d think they would be. Both lawyers that owned a firm together, Riley & Riley. She was their only child and they seemed to have given her everything. At least, that was what it looked like from where I’d been standing.

  “Not exactly. Let’s just say my mother hit the roof when I came home from break at Yale and announced I had a girlfriend and was switching from pre-law to psychology. My father just kept silently shaking his head. They threatened to cut me off, but then they didn’t. I told them I would take up webcamming if they didn’t support me.” Holy shit.

  “Were you serious?”

  She smiled slowly.

  “I mean, I would. If I needed money. Seems better than being a cog in the capitalist machine, don’t you think?” Who was this girl? She kept shocking me. I was quickly throwing out every single assumption I had made about her in high school.

  “I don’t know if I could get naked for strangers,” I said, and I felt my cheeks getting red. I didn’t think I’d be talking about sex work with Quinn tonight, that was for sure.

  “I think I’d get off on it. Maybe even more so than the customers.” Her smile was dark and seductive and the air in the room changed. Suddenly I felt like I wanted to be alone with her. This wasn’t the kind of conversation you
had in a swanky restaurant. At least, I didn’t.

  With a slightly shaking hand, I went for the tiramisu. The combination of mascarpone and espresso burst on my tongue. It distracted me for a moment. But only a moment.

  “You look like you want to melt into the floor, Blake,” she said and I shoved some more tiramisu in my mouth. And promptly choked on some of the cocoa powder. My eyes watered and I had to take a gulp of water before I was able to breathe again.

  “Sorry,” I said, wiping my eyes and remember that I had makeup on so I was probably smearing it all over the place.

  “Nothing to be sorry about. Sometimes I don’t think before I speak.” I looked at the white cloth napkin I’d used to wipe my tears and there were streaks of makeup on it. Shit.

  “I’m going to the restroom to deal with this,” I said, indicating my face.

  “Do you want some help?” I hesitated before I nodded. She grabbed her purse and followed me back to the restroom.

  Of course it smelled like expensive perfume and had a couch in it. There were also baskets of expensive hand soaps and I was going to stuff my purse with them in a second.

  “Here, let me help,” Quinn said, following me to the sink. She grabbed a paper towel and wet it with some water before dabbing under my eyes.

  “I can touch you up, if you want. I have mascara in my bag.” I blinked and realized how close her face was to mine. Her eyes were absolutely incredible. I didn’t remember ever being this close to her in high school. She was always untouchable. She lived in a different world than I did.

  Now here she was, inches away. Her breath was warm on my face and smelled of chocolate from the dessert. My entire body started to tremble. I hoped she couldn’t tell. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do or where I was supposed to look, or what to do with my hands. I settled for clenching them in the skirt of my dress, sequins digging into my skin.

  “You’re good,” she said, stepping back as I let out a shaky breath. Thank god that was over.

  “Thanks,” I said, and checked myself in the mirror with shaking hands. I was a little worse for wear, but that couldn’t be helped. My dress was still fabulous.

  “Sure,” she said, crumpling up the paper and tossing it into the trash. She started to leave the bathroom, but I called out to her.

  “Wait.”

  She turned cautiously and I didn’t even know what the fuck was happening. I moved in slow motion as I stepped toward her.

  “What is it?” she asked in a low voice. I opened my mouth to say something, but the door flew open and a pair of laughing women stumbled in. My face flamed red, and I took a step back. The moment was broken, so I pushed past the giggling women (who could barely stand up and were clutching each other for balance) and left the bathroom. I felt Quinn following silently behind me.

  I couldn’t look at her when I sat back down. I clenched my shaking hands together and willed them to stay still.

  “Are you okay?” she asked after a few moments. I picked up my spoon and got working on the tiramisu until there was one bite left. I pushed the plate toward her.

  “You can have it,” she said, pushing it back. I finished the dessert and then there was nothing to do with my hands again.

  “Blake? Are you OK?” she asked. I shook my head. This whole night had been too much and I was on the brink of a breakdown. I just wanted to get out of here before that happened.

  “I don’t know, Quinn. This night hasn’t been anything like I thought it would be. I was going to come here and listen to what you said and throw my pain in your face and then storm out dramatically and now everything is...” I couldn’t finish. Complicated? Yes, that was the right word. Everything was really fucking complicated.

  “I’m sorry it wasn’t what you expected. I have to admit, I would have enjoyed seeing you storm out, though.” Her mouth lifted in a smile and my heart rolled around in my chest. Quinn’s smile did something to me. Something I both loved and hated in equal parts.

  “I had a script planned,” I said and she laughed.

  “I planned what I was going to say too. But you kind of made me forget everything when you walked in wearing that dress.” Whoa. Was she hitting on me? No, certainly not. I was definitely the only one who was having those kinds of feelings and it was probably because of all the other shit going on.

  “Sorry, that was inappropriate,” she said. “Remember how I told you sometimes I don’t think before I speak?”

  No, it wasn’t what she’d said that had made me freeze. It was the way her words made me feel. And the way I’d felt when we were alone in the restroom. Quinn was making all kinds of slippery warm things happen in my chest and I didn’t have the time to process any of it.

  “It’s okay,” I said after a few seconds. The waiter chose that moment to present the check and Quinn grabbed it, sliding a card into the slot and handing it back to him.

  “I know you’re probably still pissed at me, and you should be. But, ah, would you like to maybe hang out sometime?” I gaped at her for a second.

  I wasn’t still pissed at her. Not really. My rage had evaporated, in spite of my efforts to hang onto it. The rage that I had cultivated and watered and fed and groomed for years. That rage that had kept me warm some nights. Poof. Gone. Almost as if it had never existed.

  Well, at least my rage against Quinn was gone. My rage against Spencer was still healthy and strong. I was going to nurse that one for a long time. Maybe forever. Wrap it around my heart.

  “I don’t know,” I said, but that was a lie. I wanted to hang out with her again. Definitely.

  “That’s fine. You have my number, so you can decide if you want to contact me. Or not. It was nice to catch up anyway.” She got to her feet and I stumbled out of my chair.

  “Yeah,” I said. I didn’t want her to leave, but I didn’t know how to ask her to stay. Or where we would go, since the restaurant was already turning over the table.

  “Thank you for letting me talk,” she said. We both sort of stood there with a few feet between us. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know if I should shake her hand, or hug her or do anything. None of those options felt right.

  “Did you drive?” I asked. She shook her head.

  “No, I live off the Green line,” she said.

  “Oh,” I said. I lived along the Orange line. They only crossed in two places, so it wasn’t like we could ride together without one of us going out of our way.

  “Okay,” I said and headed for the door. Quinn followed me out and into the night.

  “Well... bye?” I said, because she’d been silent for a while.

  “Goodbye, Blake,” she said, and I completely froze as she touched my arm and leaned in to give me a kiss on the cheek. Quinn was only a few inches taller than I, so she didn’t have to go too far. The kiss was so light, I could barely feel it. But even that tiny touch hit me like a train. It was a friendly kiss. A simple gesture. So why did it feel like so much more?

  I rocked on my feet and blinked as she gave me a brief smile and walked away.

  “Holy shit,” I said to no one in particular.

  Five

  I made it back to my apartment in a daze. The night hadn’t gone at all how I expected and I was still trying to find solid ground again.

  Somehow, I had forgiven Quinn. For better or worse. Yes, she had been completely and totally gorgeous in her suit. Yes, I had thought about kissing her in the restroom when she’d helped me fix my makeup. Yes, I was still reeling from the kiss on the cheek she’d given me.

  All of those thoughts spun in circles in my brain, swirling together in a ball of chaos until I didn’t know what was up and what was down.

  I thought about texting Lizzie, but wasn’t sure what I would even say to her, and I didn’t want her to say that I was being foolish. I didn’t want anyone to chastise me for my reaction to Quinn tonight. I didn’t want advice, either.

  So I sat on my living room floor and told Bonbon about it. Bunnies were great l
isteners. He sat in my lap and sniffed my dress and tried to nibble it a little as I told him about Quinn.

  “And she’s like, so hot. Beyond hot,” I said, as I rescued a sequin from his mouth.

  “I don’t even know what to do,” I said. “I should probably just forget about her. Forget about the whole thing. She’s from the past. I should be looking to my future, and finding a job. Not thinking about a girl who is totally out of my league.” Quinn was definitely way out of my league, that was for sure. She could have her pick of girls. She went to Yale, for god’s sake. Way too smart for me and my college dropout ass.

  I sighed and put Bonbon back in his pen and went to take my dress off. Getting the zipper undone definitely took a few tries and I pulled a muscle.

  “This is why living alone sucks,” I said as I contorted my arm to reach the zipper in the back of my dress. My shoulder popped, but I got it down, finally.

  Once the dress was off, I stripped out of my undies and got in the shower. It was a shame to take off the makeup and wash out my hair, but I couldn’t go to bed like that. Tomorrow I had to get up and try and find a job. Things had been bleak this week and Quinn had been the surprise bright spot in it all. Who could have predicted that?

  I TEXTED LIZZIE THE next day to give her an update and I was sparse on the details, but she knew me well enough to read between the lines. I was working on the font for my resume when she called me on her lunch break from work.

  “You gonna tell me what happened with Quinn?” I sighed and closed my laptop. Guess it was time to see what she thought.

  “I mean, it was weird. It almost felt like a first date? Like we’d found each other online after high school and had decided to meet up and see if there was a spark. It was... It was something else.” She was something else. I was kind of in awe of her.

  Lizzie laughed. “Oh, Blake. You’ve got it bad. Did you have a crush on her in high school?”