“Amen to that,” she said and then fell quiet.
We walked slowly, as if we had all the time in the world.
“So, what else has happened to you since high school?” I asked, because I couldn’t deal with the silence. I was anxious tonight and long pauses in the conversation made it worse.
“Oh, where to start? You know mostly the highlights, how about some lowlights?” I didn’t think there was anything that Quinn could do that would be considered a lowlight.
“Lay it on me,” I said. I bet I could top her, but I wanted to hear what she had to say first.
“Well, there was my failed engagement. That was probably the worst of it.” I tripped and nearly rearranged my face on the pavement. Quinn caught my arm before that could happen.
“You had a what now?” I said, my voice squeaking.
“A failed engagement. With a guy, actually. It’s... a story.” A story that I sure as hell wanted to hear.
“Let me set the stage: I was a freshman in college, away from home, dealing with being confused about my sexuality, and desperately still trying to please my parents. There was a boy in one of my intro classes who took a shine to me. We sat next to each other and started chatting. Turns out he’s the nephew of a court reporter my mother is friends with. Small world, right? Anyhow, my mom finds out I’m talking to him and is over the moon.” I was cringing in preparation for how the rest of the story was going to go. I had made a massive amount of dating mistakes, but an engagement wasn’t one of them.
“So we started dating. It was fine, I guess. He was sweet and a gentleman. He was all about saving himself for marriage and didn’t think we should do any heavy making out. Honestly, he was the ideal boyfriend for that part of my life. With the only problem being that he was a boy. I let myself get caught up in everything. Everyone was telling me to date him, he was perfect for me, all of that. And I guess I liked the attention that dating him got me.” We reached a fork in the path.
“Where do you want to go?” I asked and she looked at me in a way that almost made me take a step back. Was she this intense in high school? My memories were fuzzy.
She blinked and looked away from my face.
“Either way. You pick.” I looked at each option.
“Left.” She nodded and we started down the path again. I stole a glance at her and almost stopped walking. Her eyes were tight and her lips were pressed together.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I guess I underestimated the effect that whole thing still has on me. It was one of the darkest times of my life.”
“Hey,” I said, touching her arm, “you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want. I can tell you about all my fuckups. They are numerous.” So, so numerous.
That made her frown break into a quick smile, but it fell as fast as it showed up.
“I’d like to hear anything about you, Blake.” Now I was blushing. She sure knew what to say to get me to pay attention.
“I’m not very interesting,” I said. Except for my failures. Some of those were pretty spectacular, but only because of how awful they were.
“I find that hard to believe,” she said and stopped right by a bench.
“Do you want to stop for a minute?” she asked. She seemed like she needed a break, so I nodded and we sat down together.
We were right beside a flowering bush that had the prettiest pinkish purple flowers. I had an idea and carefully plucked one flower off the bush.
“Lean forward,” I said and Quinn gave me a puzzled look, but did it anyway.
I tucked the flower behind her ear.
“Cute,” I said. She looked more than cute. So much more than cute.
“You’re cute,” she said. “Painfully adorable, actually.” She sure knew how to push my blushing button.
“So I feel like I should tell you the rest of the engagement debacle, so here it is.” Quinn and her fella (she didn’t seem to want to say his name out loud) dated for the entire school year and just before they went home for the summer, he took her on a romantic date and popped the question with a diamond ring.
“It was hiding in the dessert. He was so sweet, but not very creative. I remember the exact feeling in my stomach when I realized what was happening. Part of the proposal was telling me he’d gotten permission from my father. I had to stop myself from cringing. The entire restaurant gasped and clapped. I thought I was going to die. It was one of the worst moments of my entire life.” She shuddered and wrapped her arms around herself.
“And I said yes, because I didn’t know what else to do. He’d gone through so much and had done this big thing and I couldn’t humiliate him in front of all those people. I said yes, and then both sets of parents came out. They’d been hiding in the back.”
I gasped. This story kept getting worse and worse.
“I’ll fast forward a bit. We were engaged, I had the ring on my finger, everyone was talking and gushing and telling me I was going to be so happy and he was such a good man. I’d at least made him agree that we would have a long engagement. I let it go on for two weeks before I couldn’t take it anymore and broke it off. The look on his face will haunt me for the rest of my life.” She shuddered again. I wanted to give her a hug so much. She looked like a person who could use a hug.
“My parents were furious. To add insult to injury, I started dating a girl a month later and dropped that bomb on them. That was a big year for me.” She gave me a weak smile.
“Yeah, sounds like it. Wow, that is quite a story. I’m so sorry.” She shrugged one shoulder.
“It happened. It’s part of my history. And it was one of the deepest low points for me, so whenever I feel down now, I look back and tell myself that at least I’m not back there, and I will never be back there again.” Huh. That was pretty profound. I liked that.
“Thank you for sharing that with me,” I said. I reached out and touched her arm. “Can I give you a hug?”
Quinn nodded and leaned forward. I wrapped my arms around her and inhaled as she sunk into me. Wow, she smelled amazing. Like expensive hairspray and warmth and cinnamon.
She sighed softly and held me tighter.
“Thank you for listening,” she said into my shoulder.
“Anytime,” I said before I could think about what the word meant. She sighed and sort of burrowed her face into my shoulder.
“You’re a good hugger,” she said. My skin had started to heat and tingle. Holding Quinn was doing something serious to me. This was no ordinary hug. My lungs felt too big for my body. Like I couldn’t breathe well enough. Finally, she let go of me and I had to figure out how to breathe again. It took me a few tries to get it right.
“Thanks,” I said belatedly in response to her telling me I was good at hugs. I wasn’t so sure about that, but did it really matter?
“You wanna hear about the time my advisor saw me topless just before the first time I met her?” I said. Her eyes went wide.
“Yeah, I definitely want to hear about that.” I had stories. So many stories. We got up from the bench and resumed walking as I dished out some of my greatest terrible hits. The tension broke and she started to laugh right away, and I knew that laying out all my embarrassment was the right thing to do. A lot of it didn’t bother me so much anymore. Plus, you kind of got used to it when it happened so many fucking times.
“Stop, I can’t,” she said when I launched into a story about a time when I accidentally emailed my professor a picture of my tits instead of the logo I was supposed to send him.
“Honestly, I don’t know if I believe in bad luck, but if I did, I’d know that I had been born with it.” We’d made a full circle and had come back to the gate again.
“Ready to go eat?” she asked me. I was starving.
“Yes, what did you have in mind?” I hoped something casual. And cheap. I was going to have to really start scrimping if I couldn’t get a new job ASAP.
“You good with Panera?”
I gasped.
�
�I LOVE Panera. I don’t even care what anyone says. I love that place. And their cherry tarts.” Quinn grinned at me.
“Then Panera it is. You want to take a car?” As long as I didn’t have to pay for it.
“My treat,” she said when I hesitated.
“Sure.” I knew I should protest and offer to pay, but if she was offering, I was going to take advantage. A broke girl had to do what a broke girl had to do.
Quinn used an app to call for a car on her phone and we only had to wait a short time before a sleek black SUV pulled up.
“I figured I’d get the fancy model. Since this is a date and I’m trying to impress you.”
My mouth went dry.
Eight
“Is this a date?” My voice squeaked and I cringed inside. I definitely wasn’t impressing anyone right now.
She held the door open for me.
“That was my intention. Unless you don’t want it to be. I just want to spend time with you, Blake. Whatever form or definition that comes in.” I blinked at her a few times and then hopped up into the SUV. She went around the other side and got in.
I had a few seconds to think as we buckled our seatbelts. I didn’t really want to chat with her while the driver was sitting right there hearing everything. Even if he turned up the radio and started humming to himself.
“Yeah,” I said in a whisper.
“What?” She leaned closer. I glanced at the driver again. He was off in his own world jamming out. I turned back to Quinn.
“Yes, I want this to be a date,” I said in a voice that could barely be called a whisper.
She smiled and it was so soft, so sweet, it took my breath away. How had she not affected me this way in high school? How had I been in school with her for four years and never felt this way?
“Good.” She leaned closer. “You look really great tonight. You did the other night. I just wanted to make sure you knew that. I don’t know how I didn’t fall all over myself in high school whenever you were around.” I let out a little laugh.
“I was just thinking the same thing. I think it’s because I was so fucking intimidated by you and so incredibly closeted to myself that any sort of beginnings of a crush I completely obliterated in my mind. But there was always this feeling of wrongness. I guess I just thought everyone felt that way in high school.” I shivered a little at the memories. Coming out to myself had been a revelation, but it hadn’t been easy. Undoing all those years of telling myself I was supposed to be someone else.
“I know exactly what you mean,” Quinn said. “I was living a life that someone else had built for me. Living a life that wasn’t mine. It took me so many years to claim my own life. And I had to sever a lot of ties to get there. I don’t think my parents will ever be in my life again the way they used to be.” She looked down at her hands, twisting a silver ring around one finger.
“Same,” I said with a sigh. “Do you ever wish you could go back?”
Her head snapped up.
“Never. Never ever. I wouldn’t want to be anyone other than who I am now.”
“You’re amazing,” I blurted out. “I am so not that confident. In anything. Least of all myself.” Quinn reached a hand and pushed a hair wisp behind my ear, her fingers lingering on my cheek.
“You should be confident in yourself.” I couldn’t speak. I had no idea what to say. Part of me wanted to giggle uncontrollably, part of me want to argue with her, and another part of me (an extremely loud part) wanted to kiss the shit out of her.
The car stopped and we looked away from each other.
“Oh,” she said under her breath. We’d both forgotten where we were and what we were doing. I pulled in a shuddering breath. Quinn seemed to affect my body’s ability to keep itself going.
My legs wobbled when I got out of the car and I had to brace myself on the side as Quinn tipped the driver. I pushed off the smooth surface and walked toward the front of the Panera.
“Hungry?” she asked. She looked completely composed, but she was twisting one of her rings again.
“Yes,” I said, even though food was the last thing on my mind. For a split second, I considered grabbing her arm and dragging her into the alley next to the restaurant and just kissing her. I wasn’t the kind of person who did things like that and this might not be a good time to start. Still, the image of Quinn pushed up against a dirty brick wall and waiting for me to kiss her was a mental image that almost made me moan out loud.
This was getting out of hand. I had to reel it in ASAP.
Quinn held the door for me and we walked in to find a massive line.
“I don’t get it when people stand in line and then get up and still can’t decide. It’s maddening,” I said.
“I have to decide what I want before I even get in line. My friends tell me what restaurant we’re going to at least a day ahead of time so I can look up the menu and decide. I have no idea what it is, but ordering stresses me out so much,” she said.
How adorable was that? This unbelievable woman got flustered ordering.
“I can order for you, if you want,” I said and I could see her sag in relief.
“Could you? That would be awesome. I can text you what I want.” She typed everything out and sent it to me.
“What about the other night? You were okay then,” I said.
“Not really. I was freaking out on the inside. I think I checked out when the ordering happened. I bet I sounded like a mess.”
“Well, I didn’t notice anything, so you pulled it off.”
“That’s good to know.” She looked toward the seating area. “Do you mind if I go sit down? Waiting makes me anxious.” I could tell. She was frantically twisting her ring and tapping her foot. She looked ready to crawl out of her skin.
“Go, sit. I’ll be fine. I can fiddle with my phone.” She let out a breath of relief and walked away. I watched her go. This was the first time I had seen her anything but composed and I wasn’t sure what to think. It added another dimension to the Quinn that I was getting to know. That girl from high school was a stranger to me. Yes, we had known of each other, but I guess I hadn’t known her at all. And she hadn’t known me. I would never have thought that girl would have anxiety about ordering food at a Panera, but then again I wouldn’t have thought she was queer either, so there you go.
I got up to the front of the line, ordered, and was handed a buzzer. I grabbed our cups and went over to where Quinn sat.
“Here you go,” I said, giving her the cup.
“I’m sorry about that,” she said.
“Hey, it’s fine,” I said, touching her shoulder. “It really is fine. No big.” I was usually the one being comforted and assured. This role was new for me, but I kind of liked it. Felt nice to be the one taking care of someone else.
Quinn took a little bit to relax, so I decided to help by telling her about my job predicament. I figured that was good for a few laughs.
“So, if you know of anyone hiring someone who has done a hodgepodge of stuff and doesn’t really have a passion for any particular thing, let me know.” I made a clicking noise with my tongue and pointed finger guns at her.
“Let me think about it. I might. We’re not hiring at the Center right now, and the pay is absolute crap. I do a little bit of social media management on the side to make rent every month. I’m fortunate that my parents paid for college, so I don’t have any debt. You can punch me if you want.” I didn’t want to punch her.
Okay, maybe I did a little bit.
“I think I’m going to be an AARP member before I’m done paying off mine. And I didn’t even finish. Sometimes I think I should go back and finish, just to finish, but I can’t. I just can’t do that again. I was so miserable in college. It just wasn’t for me. I like to learn better on my own. Go to the library and read articles online and visit weird museums. My brain just rebels the second I set foot inside any type of classroom.” I shrugged one shoulder.
“I feel like I’m the opposite. I miss
writing term papers and taking tests and all that. Sometimes I dream of those little blue test books.” She laughed and the buzzer sounded for our food.
“I’ll get it,” she said, snatching the buzzer and heading toward the pickup area.
She was back moments later with our food and I wanted to inhale everything at once. That walk had made me ravenous for some reason.
“That’s cute that you miss the academic environment. I wish you could give me some of that. Even a little bit.”
“Everyone is different. I’m not that great at functioning in the non-academic world. I’d love to have your confidence.” I snorted into my broccoli cheese soup.
“I must be faking it really well.”
“Isn’t that what everyone is doing? Faking it?” Probably.
“Well, faking it looks really good on you, Quinn.” So, so good. I couldn’t stop staring at her. Even as she had arugula on her chin.
“You have a little something,” I said, reaching out and pointing. She wiped her chin and just smeared some dressing around. I laughed and grabbed a napkin to help clean her up.
“See? Kind of a mess,” she said as I finished.
“Just wait, I’m planning on staining this shirt with at least two different food or drink items before this night is over.” My record was one Friendsgiving where I ended up with nearly everything on my plate on my shirt. Lizzie had gotten me a bib after that one, and I’d only been slightly offended.
“You’ll still look cute, though,” she said, winking. I dropped my spoon and it clattered into my soup bowl and splattered it all over my shirt. Poor chubby unicorn was now plastered with cheese goo.
“See?” I said. “Like clockwork.” I blotted the shirt as best I could. Should have packed a spare in my bag. I usually did when I was going out, but the whole date thing had me flustered.
“Still cute,” she said. “Maybe cuter. I love a girl covered in cheese.” I raised one eyebrow.
“What about a girl made of cheese?”
“Now that would be something.”
My heart jostled in my chest and I couldn’t breathe for a second. I didn’t want to be in Panera anymore, even though I loved this place. I wanted to be somewhere else with Quinn. Somewhere alone.
Dirty Girl Page 5