by R. K. Star
People heard them making fun of me but nobody helped me, on the contrary they joined in and chanted with them, then laughed at me. Everyone didn’t want to be picked on. If they joined in on the chant it removed a target off their backs and focused it on me. Some of the nerds and dorks in the class offer to do their assignments or let them cheat off their test papers in order to avoid the bullying. I would have done any of their assignments. Hell, I would have switch exam papers and written their name on my exam if they just left me alone.
When the girls weren’t sitting adjacent to me I had some peace from their name calling but then they would throw paper balls at me when the teacher wasn’t looking. One time Lisa threw a piece of gum at me. I thought it was just a paper ball and ignore it, I heard my classmates giggling. The gum stuck on and entangled with my hair and got really nasty, no one told me anything until a teacher realized and tried to get it off me but it was impossible. The teacher said when school was over to go home and ask my mother to help me. I didn’t want my mother to know I was being bullied at school all day, I didn’t want my parents to have more trouble to deal with. I cut the strands of my hair entangled with the gum, then I combed it over. Luckily it was hard to notice I had cut my hair, and my parents were none the wiser. Another favourite activity for Lisa was flinging elastics at me. It hurt a lot when the elastic snapped against my skin. Eventually Joan and Stephanie began to sling elastic bands at me. I tried my best not to react, as I knew they would relish in satisfaction from the pain they were inflicting on me. If I pretended it didn’t bother me they would stop, eventually when they were bored. But they never stopped for long, they always found a new way to torture me and annoy me. Once they blew on the back of my neck and I made a big fuss about it. I pretended it really annoyed me but in honesty it wasn’t bad at all. It tickled the back of my neck and I got some spit with it but I could tolerate it. They thought they were really irritating me and giggled throughout the class. Luckily for me they continued doing it for the rest of the term. I wished they would leave me alone or better yet that they weren’t in my classes anymore but I knew I wouldn’t have such luck. I was born to live a life full of misery, it was my destiny. I accepted my fate.
I was good at hiding what was happening at school from my parents. But one time I went home and my mom saw gum on the back of my sweater and ask how I got it there. I told my mother I didn’t know how I got gum on my sweater, maybe it was there already and I didn’t see it when I sat down. However, I remembered vividly. Lisa in social sciences sat on the desk behind me and was kicking the chair nonstop throughout class, which was a usual style of torturing she would do. She kicked the chair before, a couple times in this class and a couple times in that class. It was only a fraction of annoyance compared to the other things she had done, so I didn’t mind it. I knew there was no gum on the chair, as I always check to make sure it’s clean before sitting. Lisa must have put gum there when I leaned forward, away from the chair. She then kicked the chair so the gum would adhere to my sweater, that bitch. I learned after this gum mishap to always check myself before going home. Once was an accident but twice even my mother would know it was purposeful. Mothers always knew things and I could tell my mother was suspicious of something going on at school.
I hated Lisa for forcing me to lie to my mother. She was a vile girl and she had a love for gum and bullying that rivalled none and I was in the crossfire of those two loves of hers. How I would love to slap the smug grin off her face. No, I want to punch her nose into her face until it concaved inwards. The very least, I was happy she got a hideous pimple on the middle of her nose.
Grade nine was horrible and painful. I can’t even remember all the horrible names I was called. I dreaded the weekdays. When Sunday night came and it was bedtime I would have an anxiety attack. The fear of waking up in Monday morning for school was so nerve wracking, sometimes I couldn’t fall asleep. Like all students I couldn’t wait for the weekend but not to get together with friends as I had none. I desired peace and time away from the bullies. I grit my teeth together and waited for hours and hours to pass by, subject by subject.
Mondays were the worst. Math, literature and history were the first three subjects and Lisa, Stephanie and Joan were all within range to bully me. After that, all I had to deal with was physical education in the afternoon, they would try to get near me and taunt me but I did a good job of keeping a safety diameter around me. As they got closer to me I would walk away and most times I was safe. However, that prevented me from participating in the sport activities. The rest of the weekdays wasn’t as bad. I would have one class where they could bully me then in another that I was at the opposite end of the room from where they were and felt relatively safe. With one class as a barrier I could relax and reset my mind before they could bully me again. This made the day much more bearable, manageable, and I could get through okay without feeling defeated and destroyed inside.
Thursday was my favourite day. There was only one class that I was next to Lisa with Stephanie and Joan nearby. This was art class and the only class where we shared an oversize table. The teacher grouped pairs of students to a table. Lisa and I were together with Stephanie and Joan directly in front. Although the teacher group students together, he allowed for suggestions. Stephanie and Joan requested to sit together and then Lisa said she wants to sit behind them with me. She threw her arm around my shoulder as if we were best friends. I was too shocked to say anything, I feared for myself but could not utter a word. The teacher thought we were friends and arranged the seating. I saw the malice in Lisa eyes and knew she had wicked thoughts in her mind.
I was painting a mountain landscape with a foggy mist and suddenly a huge splash of red paint hit all over my painting when I was near finished. I looked over at Lisa not surprised at all that she did it, making me furious. She dabbed her paint and started making quick work on my face as if I was her canvas. I grabbed her hand and tried to push it away. Stephanie and Joan were laughing hysterically. It wasn’t long before the teacher saw the commotion. With a loud voice that startled everyone he ordered us to stop. He told me to go wash my face in the washroom. As I headed towards the washroom I heard the classroom door open and saw Mr. Falcon come out with Lisa. I heard him conversing with Lisa and decided to hide behind the corner to eaves drop. I heard he was going to report to her parents about her unacceptable behaviour and she would have to report to detention after school for a week. He told her if anything like this happens again she will be in much worse trouble. After that he told her to stand by the door for the rest of the day and not to move. If he came out and she wasn’t there he told her she would be in more trouble then she could imagine. I went to the washroom with a smile on my face that day. Mr. Falcon was the only teacher that punished a student for bullying another and not brushing it off as horse play between friends. Most teacher would pretend they didn’t see anything. Before I went to the teacher after class and reported what happened. All they would tell me to do was to be more careful and that was it.
When I got back I wanted to laugh back at Lisa as she stood there, for all the pain she put me through. However I was afraid it would aggravate her and make her much crueler towards me. As I got back I took a quick glimpse of Lisa and she glared back at me. Quickly I went in the room, diverting my eyes. That was the first and last time Lisa did anything to me in Mr. Falcon’s art class. If only other teachers behaved like Mr. Falcon, my life would be much better. Day by day I eventually got through the school year.
When senior one started I was terrified. I prayed to not be in the same homeroom class as Lisa and thanked the lord when I found out she wasn’t with me this year. Unfortunately, Stephanie and Joan were with me though, those bitches. Now I had more freedom, we had some courses we could choose from. Even though I was all by myself I enjoyed school more because I was bullied less. Stephanie and Joan still teased me but it was significantly less now that Lisa wasn’t there. Lisa always initiated the bullying. I saw Lisa in the hallw
ay occasionally and she would try to intimidate me. It worked, I was scared of her. I tried my best to hide from her and hope the school year would go by fast. I was surviving and not living, but as long as I survived it was okay.
Compared to grade nine, my first senior year went by relatively smooth, no gum on hair, no gum on sweater. I knew not everyone hated me but because Lisa was so popular and she made me the least popular person, everyone wanted to stay away from me. If anyone associated with me it would knock their popularity rating down a few points or worst yet, risk getting bullied. I could see in many of their heads they were afraid to befriend me and risk being bullied.
Many times, I read in the boy’s heads, they thought I was pretty and/or cute but at the same time they thought I was weird and refused to approach me. I was never asked to any of the school dances. The Halloween and Christmas dance parties went by with me either at the party standing alone by the gym wall or at home moping around. I tried to make the most of my time and didn’t want life to pass me by. I didn’t want to miss the high school experience on anything even though standing alone was awkward and uncomfortable. On Valentine’s Day, the boys would ask the girls on a date. Some girls gave sweets to the boys they fancied hoping the boy would take interest in them. Valentine was always a sweet time and there was a time where my heart fluttered and thought someone would approach me. Quickly I realize that was never going to happy but it didn’t stop me, I went up to this cute boy. He had very beautiful skin and golden blond hair with a hint of orange. His smile showed only his straight white maxillary teeth, from his premolar to premolar. The perfect smile that made him so charming. His body was athletic and he was smart to boost, not just a pretty shell. He was so dreamy and I wanted him to be mines. I went up and said I like him straight to this face. I was instantly humiliated in front of my peers when he said he wasn’t interested in me. I felt a deep sadness within me sucking away my essence. When I went home to my mother I cried, feeling devastated, telling her my first crush refused me. I remember hearing his thoughts and thinking he felt something towards me. Once in a while I caught him staring a glimpse at me and it gave me hope. It helped the days go by as I would tell myself maybe next day he would approach me and say sorry and that he liked me as well.
High school was horrible in almost every aspect and worst if I encounter Lisa in the hallway. I still got teased and picked on irregularly. Every year when I went to the next grade I prayed for a peaceful school year. Like this, I was able to keep pushing on year after year, hoping that university could give me a fresh start.
Now people knew me as the weird girl and the one that got shot down when I confessed my love towards my crush. I was a real loser but only in the eyes of my peers. High school provided more freedom in that I could select the courses I had interest in. Since I was more interested in sciences and literature arts. It was much easier to avoid the bullies as they select easier courses like family studies. In all honesty, family studies probably suited them as they were likely to get pregnant early and will need skills for raising a child.
I excelled in subjects with near perfect score results. I could hear my classmates thinking about the question and some had it right and some didn’t. At the beginning, I doubted myself when my classmates where thinking of alternative answers but later I realized I was intelligent and actually far superior to my classmates when it came to the sciences or liberal arts. In the physical aspect of school, I wasn’t bad either but nobody wanted me on their team despite being far from the worst player. I was always selected last to the team. They didn’t let me participate in any of the games. They would never pass the ball to me. Eventually I focus on track and field and some weight training at the school weight area. The guys at the weights always stared at me because I was the only girl there. The physical educator was thrilled to have a girl interested in weights and spent extra time teaching me proper form and technique. I was just happy with the attention he provided me. The sense of being wanted an appreciated was all that I ever wanted. I didn’t work out too much as I didn’t want the body builder form but just a tone body. Therefore, I would always do more repetitions to create endurance rather than build muscle. It made my phys-ed teacher sad as he wanted me to complete in provincial tournaments. I didn’t want to disappoint him but I really had no interest in body building. It saddens me to have to turn him down.
High school was the longest three years of my life I had to endure but I endure it gracefully. It was easier to tolerate when I accepted my fate. Being lonely is the worst thing but now our graduation date was approaching. I wouldn’t have to see many of my classmates again and they probably couldn’t care less about me. My parents were so happy for me especially since I won a scholarship that was enough to cover most of the tuition for four years. My parents were never well off financially. They barely had any money saved for their retirement and honestly depended on me to get a good education and enter into a profession that could help support them into retirement. I would be more than happy to take care of my parents to return the love back to them and the time and effort they put into me.
Now it was time for me to move on and hopefully meet new people to befriend. I tried to change habits that I thought people considered weird. My parents never said I did anything weird and I could never pinpoint anything. In fall, I would leave San Francisco to move to an apartment to study at Stanford university at Palo Alto.
3
Departing
I was spending the last couple of weeks with my parents before I take leave to Stanford. I felt pity on myself that I didn’t have any friends to spend time with. I stayed at home most of the time but when I did go out I saw my classmates. They were in the mall laughing it up and I would hide around the corner to eavesdrop. They spent time at the cottage and did many amazing things and now they were ready for university. I remember back when I was an elementary school girl and how I had similar fun with my friends when school was out for summer. Not sure what happened in the past but I find myself reflecting often for answers.
Finally it hit me, I wasn’t sure if I would be fine by myself. At home, even though I had no friends I always had my parents to fall back on and share a laugh with and talk over hard issues. If I don’t make at least one friend at Stanford I don’t know if I could cope with years by myself. I would be alone during classes and alone when I return to my apartment.
My parents could tell I was depressed these last few days. They decided to take me to a park festival to get my mind on something else. It worked, I was distracted for the day.
The radio was playing some easy listening and relaxing music and along with my parents’ banter, I started to feel at ease. I had a calm in me that it will be all right. I was a strong person. I am a confident person. I will not let anything hold me back. I sway my head to the music and join in on my parents’ silly conversation and began giggling with them. Suddenly my head flew to the left, followed by my whole body. I was sitting at the back-right seat and then flung to the left side of the car. I could feel myself spinning and my head ringing. My body felt heavy, I tried to lift my arm up but it wouldn’t cooperate. I gathered all my strength and tried to push myself up but I couldn’t. I slowly turned my head towards the front. I couldn’t see my dad but saw some white air bags fully inflated. I looked towards my mother side and saw no air bags deployed. I had an instant fear and my chest felt tight. I had the feeling of someone crushing my chest and it was difficult to breathe. I gasped for air, I could feel myself breathing fast trying to take in oxygen. My eyes started tearing up, tears began running down my whole face. I tried yelling but only a whisper came from my voice. “Mom, Mom, Dad,” they were unconscious and probably even worse off than me. I screamed for help. “Help, someone help!” I could hear someone knocking on the window and trying to open the car doors but they were all lock. I could tell I was dazing off and my consciousness shifting off, on and back off. I would have a period of black out then I would hear people shouting and screaming outside.
It felt like days had passed, then I heard the piercing horns of the fire truck. I heard the window being shattered and felt shards hitting me.
“Hello, hello, how are you feeling?”
I heard the beeping noise of a machine. I made an effort to open my eyes and saw a pretty lady staring back at me. She was dressed in light reddish scrub top with floral patterns and a darker red scrub bottom.
“You were in a car accident. You’re in no danger now, you’re safe.” She was flipping through her papers and recording some information.
She wrapped something around my arm and pressed a button and I could feel my arm getting squeeze. I figure she was taking my blood pressure.
“112/76, everything is looking good.” She recorded more things on the paper. “They said you weren’t wearing a seat beat, I’m amazed you didn’t suffer any serious injuries. You’re very lucky.”
Then I remembered. “My parents? How are they?” I spoke normally but with a parched voice.
The nurse looked at me with a bit of hesitation. “You must stay calm when I tell you this.”
I looked back at her and I could feel myself shaking slightly and my heart pounding. My heart rate rapidly elevated. I slowly nodded my head.