by F. G. Adams
We continued down the noisy hallway, weaving in and out of the hordes of high schoolers on their way to class. I followed tightly beside Jocelyn so I didn’t lose her in the crowd. I enjoyed our talks and time together. The relationship we had commissioned was uncomplicated and effortless.
We shared two classes: Art and Spanish. They became my favorite classes of the day, aside from lunch, when I got to see her too. We’d sit and talk with all our friends. I actually got to spend a little more one-on-one time with her without much distraction.
“Thanks for walking with me, Keagan. I’ll catch you later. Hey, don’t forget to say hello to your pop for me,” Jo called over her shoulder as she entered the door of her next class.
Jocelyn had met my parents at the homecoming game. They adored her. She really took to my pop like a bee to honey. But what’s not to like, really? He’s an awesome pop, even if he is mine. He served his country, took care of what belongs to him, and I’m better for it. I respected the hell out of my pop. She said that I reminded her of him.
I remember that night they met. Jo was cheering and when the game ended, my pop walked right up to her and introduced himself.
Reaching out his hands and pressing Jo’s between his, my pop said, “Hey there, pretty girl. You must be Jocelyn Blackwood. Buddy Fontneau. We’ve heard so much about you, Boo. And some of it didn’t do you justice at all.” Looking my way and then back at her, he said, “Keagan, you didn’t say she was a ravin’ beauty.”
Jo blushed and smiled so hard, I thought her cheeks would freeze in place. That’s my pop. He’s smooth with the ladies and his Southern Cajun charm doesn’t hurt, either. I hoped to become half the man he was one day.
Refocusing, I strolled down the emptying hallway to my next class. English was never my favorite subject. I walked into the room and found my seat. I nodded my hellos to the guys and eyed a few girls who gave me those fuck-me eyes. One in particular caught my attention: Darcy. She was easy on the eyes and easy every other way, too. I’d had her a few times. Been there done that. Yet with every single person I fucked, I found myself comparing them to Jocelyn, and we’d never even held hands.
She fascinated me. I was intrigued by how beautiful inside and out Jo was: very humble, meek, but at the same time tenacious. I liked everything about her. She’d dug her claws in without knowing and I just didn’t care if they ever came out. She always kept me at arm’s reach. I understood why, but this was high school, a time to play the field, have fun, and sample as much as possible. And that’s what I did. Maybe one day, I could have a taste of Jocelyn Blackwood. Then again, maybe not. Either way, just being around her filled my life with the sun and warmth she offered everyone she touched. Jo was unlike the other girls that littered the halls of this school. She was my best friend, and it was enough for me.
After Christmas break, everything went to shit. Jocelyn began to slide deeper and deeper into a hole of her own making when her sister Fallyn left school and her life. I’d tried over and over to garner her attention again—the girl I knew, just one more time—but it didn’t happen. Jo still wouldn’t even acknowledge me. She’d been walking around school for a few months in a daze. Her movements were robotic. Her light had vanished and along with it was the girl I fell hard for. She’d go to class, do her work, and then leave. She even quit the cheer team, something she loved to do. It was day in, day out. I thought we were friends, but she’d shut me down every attempt I made to talk to her.
The last time I’d tried, I searched her out at lunchtime. She was sitting under the tree tucked into a corner of the courtyard, the spot she’d taken up since Fallyn disappeared. She’d be picking at her lunch and staring aimlessly into the sky. I often wondered, was she looking for the sun again? Trying to find a way to get it back? No, that would’ve been too simple. Jo looked so lost, abandoned. I wanted to help, take her in my arms and let her know she’d never be alone, tell her she still had a friend in me. Whatever she needed me to be, I’d be it. Fuck, I felt lost.
I approached from the front, so she saw me coming. “Hey, Jo. How’s it going, Boo?” Not too deep; just conversation. I waited to see if she responded.
She turned her head and looked up at me with glassy, empty eyes—her new everyday look.
“Hi, Keagan. Good, thanks.”
She turned her head back towards the sky, ignoring my attempt at a conversation.
I pushed forward in a jovial, nonthreatening tone. This was a start. “So, I’m in the mood for some of Vino’s pizza. Pepperoni, jalapeño, and Canadian bacon. What do say? Want to go with me tonight? It’s Friday, so we could even catch a movie if you want to. I heard some of our friends talking about going to see that new movie Beetlejuice.” I chuckle. “It’s rated to be epic in the funny department. A good laugh would do us all some good. What do you say, Jo?”
“Beetlejuice, yes. I’ve seen the previews. Very funny,” Jo commented back in a mechanical manner, then mumbled something I couldn’t discern as she turned away again. This time, she was lost to me.
My mood turned from bad to worse in the sixty seconds it took me to walk across the yard to the door that day. But I couldn’t watch it. I couldn’t stand by and watch her fall to pieces anymore, pieces I wanted to put back together.
The worst part was, she wouldn’t let me help her.
I tried to connect with her a few more times before I left. I went by her house, but she never came out of her bedroom. I called right before I left for basic training. Nothing. I even went as far as sending her letters and tried to call her a time or two, but I never got a response.
Fuck me. I walked away that day. I didn’t want to, but it was too hard to sit and watch her fall apart like that and I couldn’t do shit to fix it. She pushed me away and I had to let her go.
The first day I met Keagan Fontneau was my first day of high school as a sophomore. I was really nervous, but just like always, Fallyn was showing me what I needed to know and didn’t leave my side except to go to her classes. We had the last class of the day together—Art—and were on our way there.
“How’s your first day going? You haven’t had any problems, have you? You’d tell me if someone picked on you, right?” Fallyn interrogated me as we walked to class.
“No. I haven’t spoken to anyone today at all.”
“Why the hell not, Jo? You don’t have to blend in here. You can make friends. I’ll protect you.”
“Just don’t want to.”
“Okay, sis. We’re almost done and then I’ve got practice. How ‘bout you?”
“Not today, but I think I’ll wait for you in the gym. That way, we can leave together.”
“You know, you’re looking really good in those boots, JoJo. I can’t believe you actually wore ‘em to school.”
“Why the heck not? They totally rock this skirt, and you know I love my pink snakeskin boots.”
“That’s the prob, sis. It’s the 1980’s, for God’s sake! I’m wearing jeans and converses and you’ve got your boots. We are so opposites in clothing.”
We both started giggling as we walked into the classroom. Everybody stopped and stared at us. I know Fallyn always liked the attention, but I preferred not to be seen. I wanted to remain in the background. It’s been an instinctive action since I can remember. I’ve been able to keep him from attacking me if he didn’t see me. There’s been many times that Fallyn hadn’t been home and I’ve been in his path.
“Where do you wanna sit?” I looked back at her and she was grinning.
“Follow me.”
“Why do I feel like you’re about to embarrass me?”
“No clue, Jo,” Fallyn replied and weaved in and out of the desks until she stopped in front of a guy I’d never seen around here before. She put her backpack down on the desk and slid into the chair. I followed suit and sat down beside her, wondering why in the world she chose to sit so far back in the room.
“Don’t look now, but you’ve got an admirer,” she whispered when Mrs. Campbe
ll began calling attendance.
“Huh? What’re you talking about, Fallyn?”
“Someone couldn’t take their eyes off you as we were walking around looking for a seat. I’m just trying to help my little virgin sister get a date,” she added with a smirk.
“Fallyn! Good grief. Don’t do me any favors. Please!” I begged.
We had to quiet when Mrs. Campbell’s stern glare turned our way. When the bell rang and class was over, I made for the exit only to be stopped by Fallyn when she grabbed my arm and looped hers with mine, slowing my progress.
“What’s the rush? Aren’t you curious?”
“No. Not at all. I want to leave.”
“Come on, sis. Live a little.”
I was stuck. She wouldn’t let this go until I gave in, so I had to nod in agreement, and she eagerly stopped us and waited for their group to catch up.
“What’s up?” Bo asked as he hugged Fallyn.
“Hi, Bo. How’s life been treating you lately? Who’s your new friend?” Fallyn asked him with a smile.
“Keagan. Sorry man, didn’t get your last name.”
“Keagan Fontneau,” the boy answered. “Just moved here from Texas. Nice to meet y’all,” he said with a heavy southern twang, smiling at me.
I didn’t say anything and lowered my eyes.
“Hmmm. You don’t say,” she muttered, glancing back and forth between me and Keagan. “Well, okie dokie. Nice meeting you, Keagan. Sorry we can’t stay and chat, but I’ve got practice. Let’s go, Jo.”
I looked up and he was staring at me with a stony expression on his face. He had the most beautiful blue eyes I’d ever seen. I was jerked from the moment as Fallyn pulled me away and into the hall.
What in the world was that? I never look at guys, and I’m positive he’s totally not interested in me. No one ever is. That was the first day I’d ever laid eyes on Keagan Fontneau. It was also the beginning of a long friendship. One that inadvertently transformed my life forevermore.
Throughout the course of the first half of the school year, Keagan and I became best friends. We hung out as much as possible, in and out of school. I’d even snuck out with Fallyn to meet up with him a time or two. I was walking on the edge and it was exciting. A path I’d never traveled before.
One I wouldn’t ever follow again.
It was Christmas Day. We’d just arrived home from my grandma’s annual party. It was the first night Keagan called me his angel and the night everything went terribly wrong in my world. When we got home, I noticed Fallyn was nowhere to be found and neither was Dad. Not good. My momma called us into the kitchen and asked us to sit down. She was at the table feeding Grayson. Not understanding what was going on, Sage and I took our seats at the table as momma motioned for us to take a cookie from the platter in front of us. Little Grayson was in his highchair blabbing in baby talk. He’d gotten pieces of cookie all over his face. I smiled and cooed at him, garnering a toothless grin in return. I heard Momma clear her throat as if she’d been crying.
“Girls, your Aunt Polly Jean has asked for y’all to come spend a few days with her during the holiday break,” Momma began. “She’ll be here in an hour to pick you up. Aren’t you excited? You’ll have so much fun with your cousins! You need to go pack and be ready.”
I could tell Momma was putting on an act. We can always spot it. She was nervous and my anxiety hiked up another level.
“Where’s Fallyn?” There was concern in my voice because I hadn’t seen her and she was upset about something earlier.
“She’s in town at your grandmother’s,” Momma replied, and I was even more concerned than I was before. “Now finish your cookies and go pack. Love you, girls.” She gathered up Grayson and walked into the bathroom to give him a bath and get him ready for bed.
Sage and I shared a look between each other and finished up our refreshments, then went to go and pack, because what choice did we have?
Fallyn was gone and she wasn’t coming back. While we were shuttled out of the picture, all hell broke loose in Lakeview. We came back home from Aunt Polly Jean’s just in time for winter break to be over and back to school—all without Fallyn. She was living with David and they were expecting a baby. What the heck happened? I never saw that coming. She told me everything, always. That was our pact. Now she was gone and I was alone.
My dad had been on a tirade for the last few months. We were all walking around on eggshells. It was only a matter of time before he focused in on me. Being the oldest sibling in the household now, it would be my job to keep the heat off of Sage and Grayson, my job to protect them. I wasn’t as suave as Fallyn and I’d captured his attention more lately than ever. He would get mad at everyone and everything without provocation or mishap. His pride was hurt, and for a man like our dad, that was a very bad thing.
One night, I went into the kitchen to get a drink of water before bed, tiptoeing quietly through the house as to not make a sound or be detected. Dad was sitting at the large kitchen table, staring off into nothingness. That should have been my first clue to turn around and exit as quietly as possible. I’d thought I could get in and get out without him noticing me, but an ice cube dropped onto the floor, causing him to look my way.
“What are you doing in here, Jocelyn? You should be in bed. You have school in the morning. You won’t make me late again.”
“Yes, sir. I apologize. I was just getting a drink before I went to bed. I’m sorry for making a mess. I’ll be up on time, I promise.”
He approached me with disdain. What did I do?
As he drew close to me, he said, “Are you sorry? Really? I didn’t realize you were a sorry person. You’re sorry. I guess you will be if you don’t get out of this kitchen right NOW!” He spouted venom and bellowed angrily at me.
I dropped the plastic cup into the sink, making a clinking sound as it crashed on the bottom of the stainless steel bowl. I hightailed it out of the kitchen as quickly as possible, praying all the way that he wouldn’t follow me. When I got to my bed, I hurriedly scooped the covers to the side, sinking in, and then pulled the covers back up over my head. I lay silently for hours, or minutes, in and out of fitful sleep.
Why did you leave us, Fallyn? Please come back. We need you. I need you. The silent prayer didn’t pass my lips, afraid of being heard by him. Finally, I drifted off to sleep. I dreamed of happier days with Fallyn, me, and Sage … just to be woken again by the terrible nightmare of my sister leaving me forever.
When morning came, my alarm clock rang loudly beside my head. I reached out to push the snooze and gain a few more minutes of sleep, but that’s when I heard him. He was already up and started on his rantings. Unfortunately, my momma was the one garnering his unwanted attention.
I said another silent prayer to the angels that my momma would be okay for one more day. Then, I slid out of my bed in stealth mode and made it to the bathroom undiscovered. I turned on the shower and tried to wash away the never-ending nightmare that was part of my life. I got ready for another day at school. Alone, without my sister.
Keagan popped into my mind as I washed my hair. A genuine smile burst from my thoughts. It lingered on my lips through conditioning my hair and shaving my legs. But as the water started to turn cold, so did my mind. Maybe today would be better. How? I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. So, I promised myself: One day at a time, Jo. One day at a time.
The tendrils of pain are vast and far-reaching. Living daily in the struggles of the shadows caused a torment that seemed to be endless. Everyday meaningless tasks such as driving to school, to and fro, unfurl the prick of misery my heart suffered. This is my life now. Smiling took effort, something I just didn’t have the strength to do at the time. I lost my sister months ago, my best friend in the whole world, yet the pain was still ever present.
Everything rolled downhill for me. I couldn’t eat right, sleep well, or carry on a normal conversation with anyone. I decided to quit cheering. Things that meant the world to
me just didn’t matter anymore. It was like she died instead of moved out to live with her baby daddy. I missed her so much and I kept thinking if it could happen to Fallyn, it could happen to me. So it was best to keep to myself. Study hard, nose to the grindstone, and get the heck out of there as soon as possible. That’s what I lived for during my last few years at home.
My momma and Grandma seemed most concerned. I didn’t reassure them, because the truth was, I felt lost enough that I just didn’t care. Maybe things would change in the future. In the here and now, I chose the darkness. If Fallyn had to be away from her family, then I would suffer right along with her, like she’s always been there for me.
A month later, I received a phone call.
“Hello?”
“Hey, sweet girl. How are you doing today?”
Grandma’s graceful, soothing voice echoed through the line, filling me with all the love she freely gives to the ones she loves. That included me.
“I’m doing okay. Thanks for asking, Grandma. Today’s not so bad. How are you?”
“Good, good. You worry me, y’know? You can’t keep going on like this, Jocelyn. It’s time to pick yourself up, wipe off the dust, and start again. You come from a long line of strong women. Accept it. Your sister wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself. You know that, right? It’s a crying shame that you are so sad all the time. We need our sunshine back, sweet girl.”
I heard what she was saying, but I just wasn’t there yet. “I know, Grandma. I’m just not ready to stop mourning. Please understand. I’ll be okay. I just need a little more time.”
“Alright, sugar. Well, I might just have something that’ll put you back on the right track. I just got a call from a certain someone. And I wanted to give you a message.” She paused to make sure I was listening.
I perked up. “Yes, ma’am. Come on, do tell. Please.”
I anxiously waited to hear what she had to say. A message from a certain someone? It had to be Fallyn. Please let it be Fallyn.