by F. G. Adams
“You’re looking good on the outside, son. Rested and whole. But your eyes are all together another thing. What’s botherin’ ya? C’mon, have a seat and tell your pops.” He gestures at the steps and sits down.
Even growing up, never could I get away from Pop when he noticed something bugging me. He’d be on me like a tick on the dog. Knowing this could take a while, I reluctantly join him on the steps.
“Where to start …”
“Start at the beginning. You need to get it out, K.”
“I think I might’ve made a huge mistake.”
“Hmm. Don’t stop there. What kinda mistake?”
“I ran into Jocelyn Blackwood down south.”
“Sweet little gal. I remember her well.”
“She hasn’t changed. Still the same. After all this time.”
“You seemed sweet on her in high school. I recall she felt the same ‘bout ya.”
“Yep. I was her ‘not-boyfriend’ for a while … at least ‘til her sister disappeared. She’s a psychologist in Gainesville. Seems really happy.”
“Good for y’all. She’s a pretty little thing.”
“We had a chance to reconnect, spend time together. It felt … you know, so right.”
“Then what’s got ya so down, son?”
“A situation occurred and she chose to shut me out. Turned her back on me and put my entire operation in jeopardy. She didn’t trust me to handle it. I really thought we had something going on, too.”
“You got an idea in that thick noggin’ of yours that she betrayed ya, didn’t ya?”
“Yes, and for me, I’m not sure I can let it go. You know how I feel about it. That’s unforgivable in my book, pop.”
“Hell boy, if that was the way of it, you wouldn’t be here today.”
“You don’t understand. She gave away a protected location to a …”
“Were ya able to handle the problem?”
“Yes, but …”
“Was anybody hurt?”
“No, but things coulda gone—”
“You handled the situation, right?”
“Yes, and we were able to find the child sooner than expected because we apprehended a major player in the crime ring, but …”
“Does she know about Afghanistan?”
“No. I haven’t told her.”
“Well now, then she wouldn’t know that ya were betrayed by someone close. That ya lost all those guys because of it, would she?”
“No. I guess not, but she still chose someone else over me again.”
“What were her choices?”
“I’m sure she thought what she did was the better choice. I just wanted her to trust me and she didn’t.”
“So it’s all or nothin’ for ya?”
“Nah, Pop.”
“Keagan, you can’t keep walkin’ away from the real problem. It’s not just Jocelyn. You haven’t forgiven yourself for what happened overseas. ‘Til you do, you can’t move on.”
“Don’t wanna talk about this anymore, Pop. Wanna go get supper?”
“I’m not done talkin’ to ya. Sit back down and listen to me, son. You holdin’ onto all that blame, doesn’t make you stronger, just bitter and alone. She made a decision and knew you would be there to help pick up the pieces, right?”
“I don’t know. Haven’t talked to her.”
“Well, I think ya oughta give her the chance to explain. Ain’t no time before have I led ya in the wrong direction.”
“I read the report. He threatened her Grandma and sister.”
“Well, now. That’s a little different. Family and all. Put yourself in her shoes, if it was you, what would’ve ya done?”
“I don’t know.”
“You’ve built these walls around ya to keep ya safe from the pain, but they’re hurting ya more than you can imagine. Sometimes you’ve gotta face the facts. It wasn’t your fault those men died and you lived. It was brutal, horrible, but ya aren’t responsible for pullin’ the trigger and living. Someone betrayed ya in the worst possible way. Let it go, son. It’s eatin’ ya up inside. It’s time. Past time. Forgiving won’t make ya weak, it’ll set ya free. Then ya might be able to move on and really live. Give Jocelyn a chance. Talk to her. Listen to her. Your future is with that woman.”
I’m not sure how I feel anymore other than the fact that I need Jocelyn. She quiets the storm, takes me back to the time when life was simple and easy. She lessens the painful memories. I think about all he’s saying. In my heart, I know he’s right.
“I’ll try to talk to her, Pop. Think that is all I can give right now. Good?”
“Tryin’ is half the battle, K. C’mon, I need some of that good grub ya maw was cookin’ before ya got here.”
Dinner is a chaotic event. Right before we sit down to eat, the rumble of bikes outside announce visitors. Ollie and Lukas show up with MacGyver in tow. Some things don’t ever change, and Maw catering to her boys is one of those. Whether they are her sons by birth or choice, she makes everyone feel special. I watch her with MacGyver. Somehow, she knows the longing and acceptance he needs because she dotes on him most of the evening.
Later on, I’m sitting outside sipping a cold one when Maw approaches me. I can tell by the look on her face she’s got something on her mind.
“You always were my stubborn child. The one I had to continually nudge when you got your hackles up.”
“Where did that come from?” I chuckle. “I thought you said I take after you?”
She mumbles, “More than you know,” while brushing away the lint from her pants.
“I’m pretty sure there’s more to that statement than you're telling me, Maw. Where’s Pop and the guys?”
“I left them playing cards. You know how your pop gets.”
“Yeah. He’s a little competitive.”
“Little? Hmph. More of an obsessive compulsive thing. He won’t quit until they do.” She looks out over the peaceful hillside at the lightning bugs display.
“I was very surprised to see Jocelyn Blackwood in town the other day with her Grandma. It’s been a long time. She was looking at the old Peterman’s General Store. Isn’t that the one you wanted for Trident offices?”
“Yeah, it was a possibility.”
“There’s talk about her staying here. Permanently.”
“I heard.”
“Are you going to see her?”
“I’m thinking about it.”
“Take some advice from your mother, Keagan. Don’t think too long. That’s always been your problem. You just need to act.” She pats my leg and returns inside.
I’ve been mulling her words over in my head for the last hour or so. Have I been thinking too much about why Jocelyn didn’t trust me instead of what could’ve happened—if I wasn’t able to lay eyes on her again? The idea of not touching her or seeing her smile overwhelms me. A familiar ache lodges in the pit of my stomach. What would my world be like without Jocelyn?
I have been thinking too much. Living in the past. Blaming her for surviving and outsmarting Payne. This isn’t her fault. I need to trust my gut. My instinct is to go to her and find a way for us to be together. No more separation. No more guilt. It’s time to put the past where it belongs: in the past. It’s time to claim my angel. It’s time to quit trying to fool myself into believing I can walk away from her, from us, and from what we share.
Fuck, I’m in love with Jocelyn.
Sitting on the front porch, my coffee cup in hand, I take a deep, calming breath. Miss Kitty is lounging around my feet, asleep and purring loudly. The landscape view is full of the gorgeous lake at the side of my grandma’s. My nose is full of the sweet smells of gardenias and honeysuckle. I’m at peace. The birds are chirping their mating calls, along with the gentle sway of the water lapping at the lake shore. My senses are overwhelmed. I’m in awe of how this place swaddles me softly with serenity and peacefulness.
It’s been a month since I came back here to Grandma’s. I’ve had lots
of time to enjoy this view and think. This is where I’ve spent most of my time, not wanting to have any run-ins with old friends or the one person who crushes me at the thought. I’ve become a hermit. My body has healed but my mind is still a mess.
I haven’t heard a word from Keagan. I know he’s home because his business and home is here in the View. My heart aches from the perpetual misery thoughts of him evoke. He’s never far from my mind. But I recognize it’s time to move forward.
When he walked away from me at the warehouse, I shattered into millions of pieces. I fear I’ll never be put back together. The coldness in his blue-eyed stare will torment my soul forever. I betrayed him. I didn’t trust him enough to help me. I singlehandedly pushed him out of my life again. This time, I’ve lost him for good. I have no one to blame but me.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve realized I created the pain for both of us. Will he ever learn to forgive me? At this time, I just don’t know the answer. However, I do know that he’s hurting wherever he is, whatever he’s doing. Keagan carries a burden within him from something in his past that I want to help him bear. It’s not up to me, though. He ended what we started.
“You alright, precious girl?”
My grandma sits down in the rocking chair on the porch next to me, leaning over to put her hand on mine. The cool breeze coming off of the lake blows around us.
“Yes, ma’am. I’m good.”
“Wonderful, because I’ve got some news. Want to hear it?”
Grandma waits until I nod my head. She seems really excited, so I try to smile for her.
“Ya know that place up on Main Street, right next to the courthouse? The historic one with the red brick and big beautiful windows across the front?”
“Yes, ma’am. I know the one. It was home to Peterman’s General store for years, right? The one you’d take us to on the weekends?”
“The one and the same. Fantastic. You remembered. Of course you would.” She beams across at me and her love surrounds us, creating an invisible barrier in which no one can penetrate or hurt us. “Well, the building has sat there vacant for a few years now and I decided it needs some love. So, I bought it.”
It’s that simple with my grandma. She’s constantly ready to take on the world.
“Wow, that’s great. It’s such an amazing piece of history from this town and a work of art. I hope you’re planning on resurrecting the historical elements, too.”
“Absolutely, we are.”
I know this building pretty well. How could I ever forget it? A red brick three-story structure. Arched glass windows line the first story front, complemented by the curved, vaulted entrance. It’s an antiquity of the past when Lakeview was just beginning.
As a child we would frequent the general store with Grandma. She’d take us there because Mr. Peterman was one of the only places left in town that still carried all types of candy in big glass jars which lined one corner section of the store. A child’s fantasy. I could take my pick of whatever I wanted. Even sample each one. Grandma would give us a bag to fill with whatever candy we liked. My sister’s and I could eat on that candy for a month. But it took us only days. Fun times.
“We? What are you talking about, we?”
“Well, my dear. I’ve been thinking.”
Oh boy, here it comes. Grandma has devised another plan. Taking the bull by its horns and fixing what she feels is broken. Gotta love her!
“Jocelyn. We’ve already discussed you coming back to Lakeview permanently. Right? We called and spoke with the realtor about selling your house just yesterday.”
Grandma looks anxious and I need to calm her. I get the impression this is important to her.
“That’s true. But I don’t understand what that has to do with buying Peterman’s General Store, Grandma.”
“Okay, so don’t say no until you hear me out. Deal?”
“Okaaaay,” I say, the confusion apparent in my voice, but she’s got me curious.
“I’m thinking it would be a perfect location to begin your new practice, Jocelyn. Right here in Lakeview. It’s centrally located and needs the Jocelyn Blackwood touch to make it perfect.” Grandma’s face lights up with excitement. “You can gut it down to studs and make it however you like. Maybe rent out office spaces. The sky’s the limit. What do you think, sunshine?”
“Grandma, oh my gosh. That’s … well, that’s incredible.”
I pause for a few minutes to gather my thoughts, overwhelmed by the possibility she’s offering. It’s just another unbelievable gift my grandma has bestowed upon me during my life—one more beautiful, selfless act from this extraordinary woman.
Is this the sign I’ve been looking for? Sage and I have had long discussions about me moving back to Lakeview. She’s begged me to do it. It would mean so much to her. Mom has visited a few times without dad’s supervision and it’s been nice. I’ve also had the opportunity to spend more time with Addie and Grayson. Being around my siblings has stirred up emotions of belonging, like fitting the final pieces in a puzzle I’ve been working on for years. This would solidify the longing and need I’ve been feeling since my return, the need for my family that’s been missing while I’ve been absent.
Well, all but one final piece to the family puzzle.
Although, I’m not sure if I can put the past behind me. It will be difficult to move forward in a place that caused tremendous anguish for me when I was younger, a place where Fallyn had to leave. But the past has nothing new to say, so I need to put it away and let it go so I can make my own future. After all, I’m the only one who can.
I’ve been in my comfort zone for too long. It’s time for Jocelyn Blackwood to break out of her shell and do something positively spontaneous. That’s exactly what Fallyn would want me to do. And I can do it. This feels right.
I glance back over to Grandma who is sitting quietly watching the ducks splash around on the shore, frolicking playfully. She is waiting patiently as my wheels turn. She understands the need for me to rationalize the decision on my own. I love her more and more every day I spend with her. This is a priceless gift I will treasure always.
“Alright. Let’s do it. Why the heck not!”
“That’s my girl.”
We talk into the night about all the possibilities. Grandma’s delightful behavior conveys a woman of passion and devotion for the people she loves. She’s also very knowledgeable in the history of Lakeview, so that’s a plus as we make plans for the building. For the first time in a long time, I’m stoked about the future. There’s a change in the weather, a shift in the atmosphere. I’m finally ready. Jocelyn Blackwood is rising from the ashes as the Phoenix.
* * *
A few weeks later, I’m back on the porch sipping my coffee with Sage. Renovations are moving along smoother than I’d hoped. I just got home from meeting with the painters, floor installers, and the foreman. I picked out the most beautiful shades of green and blue, along with hardwood floors and antique fixtures. All of it has to be ordered. The estimated time of completion is a few more months. It’s good timing for me. I still have to go back to Gainesville and wrap a few things up before my move is final.
“It’s all coming together. I love the open ceilings in the foyer between the first and second floor. Not exactly historical, but it adds a certain appeal.” I’m animated as I explain all the cool features in my new office.
“I can’t wait to see it again. Sounds really beautiful, JoJo.”
“Truly. The fixtures they found for all the bathrooms are from the era when the building was first erected. I had to go modern with some things, but overall, I think it’s going to be magnificent.”
“Of course it is. It has the Jocelyn Blackwood stamp of approval on it.”
“Ah, shucks, Buttercup,” I say, using my best country twang and my nickname for Sage. “You’re makin’ me blush.”
We giggle and laugh. I’ve been doing that a lot here lately: smiling at the world more and looking at life more like my cu
p’s half full, not empty.
“So, Jo. You ever gonna talk about what happened? In Gainesville, I mean.”
“Nope, little sister. Don’t need to, really.” My experience with Desmond Payne will always haunt me, but I can’t let it rule my life. I still don’t have all the answers about the connection with Fallyn and the Cabricci family, but I’ve laid that burden down for now. Change the things you can and all that jazz. And Keagan Fontneau … well, he’s someone I’ll always hold close to my heart, whether he’s present in my life or not. He at least can’t take that away from me. I keep that stuff locked up, though. I don’t need any more worrying over me. “I’m turning over a new leaf. Letting the past stay in the past. No more need to drudge it all up when there’s nothing I can do to change it.”
“Hmph. Really?” She seems unconvinced. “Is something wrong with you, Jo?”
“Ha! I know. Crazy, right? But not at all, Sage.” I laugh at her expression, which is one of confusion and humor combined. “It’s as simple as a new start for me. A makeover. You know it’s time I handled things in a better way than the past anyhow, Buttercup. It just took me a long time to figure that one out. Leaving here was just a Band-Aid.”
“You’re always so philosophical. Sometimes, I don’t understand you.” Sage shakes her head and giggles. “I’m proud of you, JoJo. I believe you’ve actually figured out how to be happy and without any help, no doubt.”
My good mood stutters a little as I think about a certain someone.
“I had assistance from many people, Sage. So many who came into my life since I left here after high school and even before. Friends, family.” I grab her hand and squeeze. “Even lovers.”
As Sage squeezes back, a look of sadness crosses hers.
“What is it? What was that look for?”
“Nothing really.” Sage appears confused and hopeful at the same time. “It’s just this guy from work,” she starts. “No, never mind, we were talking about you, JoJo. We can talk about that later, sister.”
“Now you know better than to do that, Sage. There’s nothing I’d rather do than discuss a boyfriend with you.”