by Ilima Todd
“What about you?” Kai sinks lower into the couch and leans his head back against the cushion, turning toward me. “What do—did—you want to change? For your Remake?”
I catch his shift in tenses. I tread just as carefully. “I wanted to get rid of my red hair and freckles,” I say. I don’t add that I likely still want to. I also don’t tell him about my choice to change gender—I’m having second thoughts about it myself.
He rubs his thumb back and forth along my knuckles. “Change your freckles? Wouldn’t that have been a shame.”
I feel my face redden and give him a shy smile. He makes me feel proud to look the way I do, and I glance at his black curly hair, light brown eyes, and pouty lips. I wouldn’t want Kai to change anything about himself, either. I rest my head against his shoulder and finally understand what Pua once said about the way we look. That it’s a gift. And for the first time, I start to feel grateful for being different.
When I wake, I hear the distinct breathing pattern of someone not me. I find a hand on my stomach and realize it is Kai’s. I cover his hand with my own.
I lift my head and glance around, confused for a moment before I realize we’re lying on the couch. We must have fallen asleep here last night on accident. I drop my head back down and yawn.
I shift onto my back and shake his shoulder. “Kai,” I whisper. “Wake up.”
“Mmm.” Kai moans in his sleep.
I laugh and kiss the side of his face. “Time to get up.”
He responds by pulling me tight against him and smiles, his eyes still closed. “Mmm. Nine,” he says, making my heart beat faster.
It still feels strange to me that people save themselves for marriage, but I know how important it is for Kai to wait. It’s a promise he’s committed to, and I respect that, because a part of me kind of wants to make a promise too. I sigh and move his arm off me, pushing away from him.
“Nine?” Kai opens his eyes and looks at me, confused.
“Yes,” I say, giving him a half-smile.
“How—?”
The sound of steps echoes along the floor, and we both turn to see Miriama standing above us.
“What the—?”
“Mom?” Kai looks from me to his mom and back to me. “Nine.” His eyes widen, and he scrambles backward over the high end of the couch, falling to the floor behind it. He stands, red-faced, holding his hands up in defense. “Nothing happened, Mom. I swear.” He runs his hands through his hair, which sticks up all over the place after a night of sleep.
“Yeah, looks like it,” Miri says with a glare. “What else am I supposed to think when I find the two of you—” She pauses, glancing nervously around the room. Her voice is low but heated, like she’s upset but doesn’t want anyone to hear her in the house. “You’re lucky I’m the one who found you and not your father.”
“I don’t understand,” I say, wondering what we did wrong. “We just slept together.”
Miriama’s jaw drops.
“Not like that, Mom.” Kai rubs the back of his neck. “It was an accident. We were just talking, and . . . we must have fallen asleep. It’s just a big mistake. I promise.” He glances at me, a smile twitching at the corner of his lips.
“Yeah . . . right,” she says, moving around the couch and giving him a swift kick, aiming for his rear end.
He dodges her foot and runs around the furniture, trying to get away. He leaps over me and the couch, sprinting toward his room. I hear him shout, “Good morning, Nine!” before slamming his door shut to save himself from his mother.
I’m left laughing on the couch. I sit up as Miri retreats from his door and turns to me with a straight face, her lips pursed.
She comes to sit by me and sighs. “I consider you my daughter, you know that, right?”
I smile and nod. I know she cares for me, and everyone in the family has made me feel so welcome, like I’m a part of them. But hearing Miri say the word “daughter”—especially now that I know what it really means—makes me want to dance, and I feel like I might never stop smiling.
“I love you, Nine. There’s a place for you here—always.” She puts her hand along the side of my face. “But if you pull a stunt like that again, you’re out.”
My smile grows, and I lean into her hand, relishing the solid feel of it against my face.
“What’s so funny?” she asks. “I’m trying to scold you.”
“Nothing. I just . . . I’m so happy.”
She raises one eyebrow at me.
“No one’s ever cared enough about me to worry about what I do or to scold me for doing something wrong.” I pause and look up at her shyly. “It’s a nice feeling.”
“Oh, Nine.” Miri pulls me into an embrace. “I admit it is nice to see you and Kai getting along—just don’t get along too well, eh?”
“No sleeping together, then?”
She coughs, and it turns into a laugh. “Right. No sleeping together.”
“Okay.”
She kisses my hair and stands up from the couch.
I think about how Miri and Ara would never let Kai sneak into the nightspots in Freedom or jump into a cage fight. But it doesn’t mean they don’t care about him. It’s because they care that they’d advise against it. Of course he’d still have a choice; they wouldn’t force him. They wouldn’t take away his freedom. But I’m starting to feel that it’s better to have someone to teach you, to guide you—someone who actually loves you—instead of wandering in circles trying to figure it out all by yourself. My heart swells at the thought that they’d make the same effort for me.
I lean back on the cushions with a huge grin and listen to Miri pound on Kai’s door, rattling off the list of punishments she’s about to unleash if he doesn’t open up right this second, mister.
* * *
Kai and I help Ara load food into the underground oven behind the house. Pork, chicken, deer, and fish meat are scattered among hot rocks, along with taro, breadfruit, sweet potatoes, onions, and greens. We cover the food with ti leaves, then layers of heavy cloth, weighed down by more rocks. It will all cook slowly for the next twenty-four hours in preparation for their cousin’s wedding celebration.
“Liko wants octopus for tomorrow, and we’re all out,” Ara says.
Kai’s eyes brighten, and he smiles widely. “I’m on it.” He turns to me. “Are you ready to go diving?”
I smile and nod, not really caring what I do, as long as it’s with Kai.
“I don’t need to send a chaperone with you two, do I?” Ara raises one eyebrow, and I think he is only half kidding. Miri and Pua have taken the younger two children to Liko’s homestead for other wedding preparations, so there’s no one to send with us anyway.
We both say, “No,” and Kai pulls me to the house to gather supplies for spear diving in the reef. When our arms are loaded with everything he says we need, we hike through the beach trail and down the shore. Near the black rocks, we put on as much gear as we can and walk to the edge of the rocks. Hanging our feet into the water, we prep the final items.
“Snorkel?” Kai asks.
“Check.” I lift the thin tube into the air.
“Mask?”
“Check.”
“Fins, knife, bag?”
“Check. Check. Check.”
“Spear?”
I hold up Kai’s extra spear. “Weird spear with three prongs and an overgrown rubber band—check.”
Kai gives me some green glossy leaves to clean out my mask. “It’s called naupaka,” he says. “Its flowers are only half of a blossom. It is said the other half lies in the mountains, two lovers separated.”
“How romantic.”
Kai spits into his mask and rubs it with the leaves. I do the same, changing my mind about the whole romantic part.
“Then you toss the leaves into the water,” he says, “to see which direction the current is flowing.” We both discard our leaves and watch them flow hard to the right and out to sea.
I struggle
to get my nose into the mask. “I feel like we should do some kind of ritual dance and blood handshake before diving in.” When I finally get my nose in, my lips stick out from beneath the black seal of rubber.
“Don’t make fun,” Kai says. “Besides, blood would just attract—” He bites his lip and turns his face away.
“Attract what?” I ask.
“Nothing.” He gives me a puckered grin. “You look adorable.”
“Not so bad yourself,” I say, kicking water at him with my fins.
“Ready?”
“Yes.”
We dive in and veer left. I’m content to follow Kai through the water, holding my spear at my side. We swim around the hills and valleys of the reef. I spy a sea turtle swimming beneath us in the crystal clear water. I try to shout at Kai through my snorkel, but it comes out muffled, so I pull on his waist to get his attention. He smiles at my fascination, and I begin to understand why he likes coming out here so much.
Something bright and reflective peeks out from a layer of sand. I let Kai swim on without me, and I poke at the object with the sharp end of my spear. It’s a metal square about the size of my palm, and a strand of shredded dark fabric hangs from one side of it. I take a deep breath and dive down to retrieve it, blowing water out of my snorkel when it breaks the surface again.
The silver square is rusted and worn, but there’s no doubt in my mind what it is. The memory of Theron shoving me into a seat in the falling shuttle flashes through my head. His hands fumbling with the straps at my waist. Tightening my safety belt. Making sure I was secure—making sure I was safe.
I turn the buckle over in my hands, waiting to feel the panic. Waiting for my breath to quicken and my heart to race. But it doesn’t come. Instead, a sense of calm settles over me. A sense that even though Theron’s not here, he’ll never truly be gone. It means I can move forward living without him. Finding happiness in my life isn’t a betrayal of his.
Kai swims up and pulls out his snorkel. He mouths to me underwater, Are you okay?
I turn the buckle in my hands one more time before letting it go. It falls slowly to the floor of the reef, settling into the sand near my fins. I glance back to Kai and nod.
Yes, I think I’ll be okay.
I follow Kai through the water again, and after a few minutes, he sees something that gets him excited. He motions for me to come up out of the water. We plant our finned feet on the bumpy coral beneath us and breach the surface. Kai pulls the snorkel out of his mouth, and I do the same.
“What is it?” I ask.
“Do you see anything strange down there? Just in front of the coral ledge,” he says, pointing with his spear to a spot several feet in front of us. We both duck our heads under the water, and after a few seconds I squint in confusion. We breach the surface again.
“There’s a small pile of rocks in front of that hole,” I say. “It doesn’t look natural.”
“That’s right,” he says with a smile, seemingly impressed that I spotted it so fast. “Rocks would never pile up that way in the water on their own, would they?”
“No. It’s kinda fishy.”
“Ha-ha.”
I think about it for a moment. “Octopus?”
Kai nods. “They stack rocks in front of a hole as camouflage while they lie in wait inside. They wait patiently for an oblivious crab or lobster to pass by, and then . . .”
“Surprise attack.” I grin.
“Exactly.”
“They eat crabs and lobsters?” I ask. “How do they get through the hard shell?”
“They have a beak to break through it. And nothing can escape the suction cups on its tentacles.”
“So you’re telling me there’s an octopus behind that pile of rocks?”
“Most likely.”
“Well, then. Show me your magic, Kai.”
Kai replaces his snorkel, takes a deep breath, and dives down to the hole under the coral ledge. I lower my face into the water from where I stand to watch him. In the dark behind the stacked rocks, I see a flash of movement. Is that the octopus? My heart beats faster in excitement.
Kai prods the hole with his spear and waits patiently. Tentacles come out and wrap around the metal prongs. Kai quickly reaches with his other hand and holds the tentacles to the spear, drawing the creature closer to him at the same time. He grabs the back of its head and frees it from the spear, careful to keep his hands away from where the beak must be.
He shakes the octopus vigorously in the water, and we are immediately encompassed in brown-black ink. Suction cups pull on his hands and arms, but he continues to shake the animal. After a few minutes, the ink stops coming out, and the water slowly turns clear again. Kai motions for me to open my net bag and carefully puts the octopus inside, cinching it tight.
“Ta-da,” he says when our heads are above the water again.
“That was amazing,” I say. “And a little bit terrifying. I’m genuinely impressed.”
Kai smiles. “Are you okay to keep going?”
“Definitely.”
The next two hours pass in a flash. I see countless colorful fish swimming in and around the reef, and even a slithering eel. Kai catches three more octopuses, letting me do most of the work on the last one.
“You must be good luck,” he tells me as we walk back to the house with our spoils. “I’ve never caught this many before on one dive.”
We set our gear at the utility sink behind the house. I throw on a sundress over my suit, and Kai pulls the first octopus out of the net bag.
I touch one of the tentacles, still enthralled by the strange sucking sensation I’d felt from it back in the water. “It’s pulling on me,” I say, surprised. “I can’t believe it’s still alive.”
“Not for much longer,” Kai says. He flips the octopus’s head inside out and pulls off the slimy guts and ink sack.
“Ugh.” I wince and step back. “That is so, so wrong.”
Kai laughs and reaches down to unsheathe the knife strapped to his calf. He uses it to cut out its eyes. He pops out the black beak, and I inch closer again, curious.
I touch the sharp, hard piece and ask, “Aren’t you afraid of it biting you? That is one nasty beak.”
“It’s happened to me before.” Kai lifts his right hand and points to a scar just below his thumb.
I finger the white line of healed skin and feign shock. “Seems dangerous. And you let me handle that thing in the water?”
Kai smirks. “I knew you’d be fine.”
After cleaning the octopuses and disposing of the unwanted parts, we take our catch to the kitchen. Kai finds some rock salt and shows me how to massage it into the animal, tenderizing it. After blanching the meat, we slice it into small pieces and cook it in a skillet with butter and onions, adding herbs and sugar to the concoction. Kai dishes each of us a small portion before putting the rest away for tomorrow’s feast.
“Mmm.” I open my mouth while I chew to cool off the food inside, not wanting to wait for a more reasonable temperature to eat it.
“Not bad, eh?” Kai asks, eating his own at a more leisurely pace.
“Actually,” I say with a mouthful of food. “This is disgusting.” I lift the plate to my face and shovel the rest of it into my mouth. “Seriously, Kai. Probably the worst thing I’ve ever tasted.” I lick the plate clean, not caring who sees me do it.
“Uh-huh,” Kai says with a wry smile. “Sorry to disappoint.” He spoons some of his own portion onto my plate.
“It’s all right,” I say, happily eating more. “We can’t all be master chefs.”
He coughs a laugh away, surely thinking about my amazing skills with all things culinary.
I smile at the line still visible on his face where his diving mask had been. “It’s a good thing you’ve got your looks.”
Kai takes our plates and puts them in the sink. “I smell like fish,” he says. “I’m taking a shower.”
“Oh, no you don’t,” I say, running for the bathroom
before he gets very far.
“Hey.” He chases after me, and we tumble over each other to get to the shower first. We land in a heap in the tub, Kai tickling me in my ribs.
I squirm away and stand, turning on the hose so that a rush of cold water pours over Kai.
He pulls me back down, and we get drenched in the flow of the water. I try to shove him out of the tub, but he makes his body go limp, and he’s just a blob that won’t respond to any of my efforts. The tub drain is stopped, and soon we are sloshing around in a pool. We splash each other until the bathroom floor is covered in a layer of water. I know Miriama will have a fit about it, but I can’t stop laughing.
Then Kai brings his fingers to my lips to quiet me. I hear the familiar squeak and slam of the screen door followed by voices. Miri and the others are back. We’re in so much trouble. And not just for the flooding. I don’t think Miri will be thrilled to find us in the bath together, even if we are fully clothed.
He reaches up to turn off the hose and slowly settles back into the water. We sit in silence for a moment, frozen, just looking at each other.
He is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. It’s not just his curls or his skin or his tattoo. He’s beautiful on the inside too. He is smart and decisive and curious. He is strong. He has a good heart. I decide, then and there, I don’t ever want to be apart from him. Where he goes, I want to go. I want to be by his side always, even if it means never returning to Freedom. Even if it means staying female. Being Remade is not worth it if I can’t have Kai by my side.
As I lean forward, wanting to move in closer and feel his touch, Miri’s words push to the front of my mind—If you pull a stunt like that again, you’re out—and I hesitate.
“What is it?” Kai asks.
I shake my head. “We shouldn’t be here, alone like this . . .”
He opens his mouth to speak when Hemi comes racing into the bathroom.
“Hey, Mom never lets me have a bath.” Hemi turns around and begins to walk out. “I’m telling—”
“No.” Kai calls him back into the room.