“We have all been there, Tate,” he says before looking down at the table. “We all try to hide our true feelings so that others don’t see our fears, our weaknesses.”
I watch as he speaks as if he once lost something he loved. That maybe under all that is Parker is a soft guy who just wants the world to see him as a horny guy who hides behind his cocky smile and bad jokes.
He looks up and he looks at me. “Your fear is that she makes you feel more than you think you deserve. I know you had a bad past. But don’t allow that to ruin your future.”
Future? Can we have a future? Tricia said that she refuses to have surgery because she eventually wants to have children. I don’t want them. Where does that leave us? What about sex? Can sex cause her pain? Could the sex we had three nights ago be the cause of her pain? Will she even let me touch her? I don’t have to have sex. I can go without it. I choose to have it because it’s a release. A way to take my mind off the pain and allow myself to indulge in the ecstasy.
“How could she have even let me touch her?” I ask, thinking aloud.
“I told you she loved you. Love is strong enough to make you forget the bad and only think of the good.”
She had told me she loved me in her bedroom and I had that same feeling that she has given me before. Hope. And for the first time, I had welcomed that feeling.
Parker gets my attention as he speaks. “She sees the good in you, Tate. All you have to do is see it yourself.”
He stands up from the table and gives me one last look. “And of course you bringing her here means the world to her. Because, like I said, you’re here for her now. And to her, that counts as something.”
I sit here completely stunned that the man who named his cock The Hammer actually just made sense. I have been afraid of what she makes me feel and what she could make me want. Now more than ever, I know that she deserves better than me. But what if that better man can still be me?
******
I wake up from my sleep and rub my tired eyes. “Mom?” I ask, looking around my bedroom. I thought I heard her say something.
I sit in my bed and listen—maybe I imagined it.
“Stop,” comes a muffled cry.
I did hear something. But it didn’t sound like my mom! But who else would it be? I jump out of bed and yank my bedroom door open before I run down the hall.
“If you wake him up, I will beat his ass as well,” I hear a man snarl.
I skid into the living room and come to a stop. I stand there frozen as I watch him straddle a small figure. His hands are around her throat as she tries to fight him.
I start to yell for him to stop hurting my mother but it’s not her. It’s Missy! Her petite body is struggling. Her blond hair is covering the floor and her face is turning blue from lack of oxygen.
I reach over and grab the lamp sitting on the end table. I yank it so hard it pulls the plug out of the wall.
He never even sees me coming. I hit him until he falls to the floor beside her unconscious.
She cries out, as she takes in a breath, and I look down to her. Blood covers her face and shaking body. I fall to my knees and cradle her body to mine. “It’s okay. I got you,” I say, my body shaking as well from the adrenaline.
“Please. Don’t,” she sobs trying to push me away.
“What…?” I look in front of me to the man I just beat to death. But it’s not him. It’s me!
“Tate?” I feel a soft hand on my shoulder shake me.
I open my eyes and Missy pulls away from me quickly. “Sorry…”
“Did I hurt you?” I interrupt her, looking around at my darkened room,
before my eyes land on her. My eyes roam over every bit of her looking for any markings that I may have made.
She shakes her head. “No,” she says softly.
I reach for her and wrap my arms around her, pulling her into me. She’s reluctant to hug me back and that’s okay. I understand what I put her through is going to take more than one night at my house.
“I’m glad you’re here,” I say as I pull away and look into her beautiful blue eyes.
“Are you okay?” she asks, before nibbling on her bottom lip nervously.
“I am now,” I say pushing a piece of her blond hair behind her ear.
She nods before she pulls away from me and lies back down. “I dreamed I hurt you.” I don’t know what it is about her that makes me want to share my pain with her. I don’t want either one of us to hide the ugly anymore. Missy is stronger than I gave her credit for and to keep all of that in had to have destroyed a part of her. I destroyed a part of her, and it’s up to me to fix it.
I expect her eyes to widen, or for her to get up and leave, but instead she gives me a soft smile. “You would never hurt me.”
I place my hand on her flat stomach and her smile falls. “I did. I want you to know that I’m sorry.” I close my eyes and see that dream play again in my head. It’s my mind playing tricks on me.
My eyes open when I feel her hand on top of mine. “No one could have known what would happen from that one night, Tate. I never blamed you.” She says that now but she also told me that at one point she hated me. I can’t even begin to acknowledge all the emotions she must have felt.
“Why are you letting me off the hook? Why are you here with me?” I told her I wouldn’t take no for an answer, but in all honesty, I expected her to tell me to go to hell.
She licks her lips before she lets out a sigh. “I’m just as confused as you are,” she admits.
We lie there, staring at each other as time ticks by. My eyes roam over my t-shirt that she is wearing. I run my hand down her flat stomach, then her thigh, until I find the hem of it. I pull it up slowly. Once it exposes her flat stomach my eyes drop to her left side. I run my fingertips over the purple ink that covers it, in a really pretty cursive script. She didn’t have that back in Vegas.
Even though you’re no longer here with me. My love for you will always be.
I had never seen it before.
“Is this tattoo for the baby?” Just asking those words causes my chest to tighten. She wears her pain on her as I wear mine. I have more tattoos than I can count but I remember why I got each and every one of them. They remind me not to be weak—whereas hers reminds her that she was once strong.
“Yes,” she responds, placing her hand over her side, touching it. “I wish you could have been there. To see what I saw on the monitor.” She smiles softly and looks up to the ceiling as if remembering. “It was so surreal and yet terrifying all at once.” She closes her eyes and takes in a deep breath. “I wanted to be able to look at something and remember that feeling—even if it was for only a moment. That I was part of a miracle,” she finishes with a sad smile.
Her words make my heart break. I wish I could have been there. I wish I could have held her, not Braxton. But I can’t help how those words make me feel more hope than I thought was possible. “Give me a chance,” I say, finally giving in. Letting the past go and wanting to be something better. Something more deserving—of her!
“A chance at what?”
“At you.”
She looks down to the sheets. “You don’t have to prove anything to me.”
I place my finger under her chin and lift it to where she has to look at me. “I do. And I will.” In all honesty, I don’t expect her to let me in right off the bat. I expect her to make me work for it, and work for it I will.
******
I walk out of the bathroom, freshly showered, to catch Missy lying in bed still wearing my t-shirt from last night with her eyes still closed. We stayed up most of the night just talking. She told me about when she quit college and hid out at Braxton’s place. How she deliberately stayed away from her parents and friends. Every word she spoke just made me more determined to prove myself to her.
And believe me when I say, I’ve never been more determined in my life!
I walk over to my tall dresser and drop the towel before I gra
b a pair of my boxers. I turn around to put them on and I stop dead in my tracks when I see her eyes now fully open and staring at my dick. It starts to harden as she stares at it with want. I can’t have sex with her when it will hurt her.
“Missy.” My voice comes out harsher than I mean for it to and her eyes snap up to mine.
“Yes?” she asks innocently. “I’m not allowed to stare?” she questions with a soft smile.
I shake my head and she huffs. I’m scared to death now that I’ll hurt her. I don’t know much about what having fibroids entails but I know it’s painful for her. I don’t know if having sex with her can make it worse.
I finish pulling my boxers on and then make my way over to the bed and crawl on top of her where I straddle her small body. “You can’t look at me like that.”
“Like what?” Her nails slowly glide up and down my back and I can’t imagine why I ever pushed her away. Her touch alone soothes my inner demons.
I run my thumb softly over her parted lips, trying not to lean down and kiss her, when someone knocks on my bedroom door. “Hey, man,” comes Parker’s voice. “Can I take your bike out for a ride?” he asks.
I can’t help but chuckle. He’s been drooling over my motorcycle for weeks now. “Yes,” I say. “The keys are in the kitchen.”
“Thanks,” he says excitedly and then I look down to her once again. “Where were we?” I ask.
“I think you were about to kiss me,” she says with a smile.
I lean down and place my lips on hers. She opens hers and allows my tongue to slide inside. I devour her mouth with mine. Her fingers rake down my back and she lifts her hips, letting me know she wants more than my tongue inside of her. I hate that I have to tell her no.
I growl in frustration into her mouth when I hear my phone ring. I pull away and see that it’s my sister. “I’ll call her back later,” I say pressing ignore. As soon as I set it back down, it chimes signaling I have a text.
Sam: Dinner tonight at our house at 7.
I text back quickly.
Me: can’t. I have company.
Sam: So? Ditch her and come over.
I chuckle as I show the message to Missy. Her mouth falls open and she grabs the phone out of my hands. She starts typing and then hands me my phone back when she’s done.
Me: That hurt my feelings- Missy
I look down to her and she smiles. “I’m just playing with her,” she says and the phone rings once again. Sam lights up my screen.
“Fuck me!” I curse.
“Yes. Please,” Missy says grabbing my arms, trying to pull me back down on top of her.
“That is not going to happen,” I say before I press answer. She won’t give up. “Hello?”
“What…Why did you…Are you with Missy?” She finally finds the right words.
I chuckle. “Yes. We are lying in my bed. Would you like me to send you a picture for proof?” I ask jokingly.
“No,” she squeals thinking I would seriously do that to Missy. “But why in the hell are you with her?” she asks in a shocking tone.
“Are you calling about dinner?” I ask not answering her question.
“Well, yes. You can bring Missy if she wants to come as well,” she says as she starts to compose herself.
“Okay,” I say before I hang up. “We’ll be there. Now leave us alone.” I turn my phone off and toss it onto the floor before I pounce on Missy. I wrap my arms underneath her and fall onto my back bringing her with me. She giggles as she looks down at me and I find myself smiling.
******
MISSY
It’s crazy how a person can go from crying down on their knees to smiling while they stand upright. Tate has brought me to both in a matter of days.
I called my mom this morning and had a long talk with her. She said she has always liked Tate and that she always saw the way he looked at me. She encouraged me to let someone in. And since I spent months hiding my life from her, she knew the only person I would let in would be Tate.
She also told me that she has known from day one that I had a thing for him. When I questioned how she knew that she just laughed and said it was motherly instinct. There was a long pause after that. Just because Tate has decided to be a different person doesn’t change what happened. And I’m not mad at him or have any regrets. I just wish I wouldn’t have lost our baby. A baby that I didn’t even know I wanted—until it was too late.
After my talk with my mother, Tate and I went out to grab some breakfast before we went back to his house to get ready. I’ve tried several times to engage him in sex, but he’s not having it. He says he doesn’t wanna hurt me. And although I feel great now, I have no idea when it will hit me again.
Now I find myself walking up to Slade and Sam’s driveway. The front door opens before Tate can even knock on it. Sam stands there with a big smile on her face as she hands her daughter Sadey off to him. “Slade is downstairs,” she tells him before she grabs my arm and pulls me through the front door.
I try to hide my laugh as I hear Tate shut the front door. I know she’s dying to know what is going on. After I had left Tate’s house after our fight, I called in and took a few personal days off. And I ended up taking two more after my mother took me to the hospital when I was in pain. I didn’t want them to have to explain my new medical condition. I’ve had my phone off since then. I wanted as much alone time with Tate as he would allow me.
“What is going on?” Sam asks. Her bright green eyes are wide. “What were you doing in bed with Tate this morning? How long has this been going on? Is this why you broke it off with Braxton?” The questions just keep coming.
“Stop,” I say trying not to laugh at her. “I’ll answer all your questions but can I at least sit down first?” I ask with a smile as I gesture to the living room.
She doesn’t answer, just grabs my hand once again and pulls me into the living room and plops down on the couch.
“Okay. Spill the beans, sister,” she demands, and my smile brightens.
Sam has been a great friend since I first met her one night at the bar while she was out with Slade and all their friends. Tate had also been with them. I remember seeing him sitting there with them. He had that mad look on his face and it made my heart hurt. I had asked him earlier that day if he was going out and he had told me no. In all honesty, I think he was afraid to be seen out with me. I had a fake ID at the time, so I could see why he had lied. But when I asked him about it in front of everyone, he said it was a last-minute decision.
“I’m waiting,” Sam says, getting my attention.
“What did you want to know again?” I ask, knowing exactly what she wants to know.
She huffs. “Why you were in bed with my brother this morning? How long it’s been going on. And why you haven’t told me,” she says with a smile of her own. “You know I’ve been on your side since day one.”
She knows how much I love him, and she would love to see me and Tate together.
“Are you guys a couple?”
I shake my head. Tate said to give him a chance. I’m not sure what that means exactly. He hasn’t said anything about us being a couple.
“What? Then what are you guys doing?”
I sit back in the couch. “I don’t know really,” I say truthfully.
She gets a hard look on her face and stands up from the couch quickly. I stand as well and grab her hand before she starts to walk off. “What’s wrong?”
She turns back to face me. “He’s using you,” she states, and I realize how she took that.
I shake my head. “No, you misunderstood me.”
Her eyes bug out. “How did I misunderstand that?” she questions. “You said you’re not in a relationship yet you have been sleeping with him.”
I let out a long breath. “You don’t know everything,” I say before looking down to my hands in my lap.
“Then tell me what’s going on,” she says grabbing my hand. “I thought you were doing really well compared to
…” After Vegas!
I give her a small smile. I just told my mother and then Tate about my past. I’m not ready to tell anyone else just yet. “I’m just taking it one day at a time.”
******
Sam told me that she understood that. But as we all sat down for dinner Tate had busted out with the news about the fibroids. He figured that I had told Sam since that was why I was taking off work. She cried. A lot! Sam had complications during her pregnancy and ended up having to have a C-section followed by an unplanned hysterectomy. So she understood how I didn’t want surgery.
I was actually glad that Tate had brought it up because Sam was on my side one hundred percent. Whereas Slade and Tate were not.
Now Tate and I sit at his kitchen table when we hear the front door open and then shut.
“Damn, Tate.” We hear Parker’s voice before we see him. “That bike catches more fucking chicks than Puss Puss. This one bitch I was driving next to pulled up her shirt and flashed me her big ol’ titties.” We hear him messing around in the living room. “I about crashed it right then and there. No wonder you get so much fucking pussy…” He finally enters the kitchen and quits speaking the moment he spots me. His mouth falls open a little and he looks between us for a few seconds.
I know how Tate has been with women in the past. I have seen it firsthand, and although I’m not okay with it, I also know I can’t change it.
“Hi,” I say to Parker with a friendly smile.
“What are you doing here?” he asks slowly.
“Parker,” Tate growls at him, and he finally takes his eyes off of me.
“What?” he asks sitting down. “I’m curious why Missy is here,” he says as he calls for his cat to come jump on his lap. Once the cat positions itself on his lap he starts to stroke her back. “Have you two made up?”
“Parker,” Tate snaps this time.
I laugh at how different they are. I can’t believe they have survived this long as roommates. It’s only been like a year but still. Parker is full of life and always cracking jokes. Tate is dark and usually quiet.
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