*****
We walk into her house and go straight to her bedroom. It’s crazy how comfortable we have become with one another. I’ve never been a shy guy when it comes to undressing or sex with a woman, but it’s just like a routine with her.
“Do you really believe that?” she asks as she reaches down and pulls her dress up over her head.
“What?” I ask, removing my shirt.
“That after all this time and after the kids that your friends are still happy? That in love?”
“Yes,” I say without hesitation. “Micah and Holly were the first to fall in love, but Micah never was like us. He never wanted to fu…date around.”
“Fuck around,” she corrects me. I nod. “So you’re saying he settled with Holly?”
“No. I’m saying he knew what he wanted, and he found it in Holly.”
“Slade and Samantha?”
“They had a hard road to get to where they are today,” I say truthfully “Courtney and Josh, it was love at first sight for them. So I hear.”
“You believe in love at first sight?” she asks with a laugh.
I pause and stare at her. “I believe for some, it happens that way.”
“Have you ever been in love?”
As I stand in front of her half-undressed, I look her over. She stands there in front of me half-dressed as well. Her dress lies in a pile at her feet. All that remains are her silver heels and her underwear. She’s beautiful. No, she’s gorgeous. And I realize I couldn’t imagine a day when I couldn’t hear her voice over the phone. A day when I couldn’t see her in person. Run my hand through her soft hair. Or watch her lick her lips when she gets turned on. Is this what Missy meant when she said someone has the power to heal you? Because I never thought I was broken, until I realize how much she has fixed me. “I haven’t. Until now…”
She stares at me, body unmoving as she lets the words sink in. Then a huge smile spreads across her face and she throws her head back laughing. Anger washes over me.
“That was funny.” She continues to laugh as she unclasps her bra and it falls to the floor, exposing her fake tits that I also love. “But we are not that type of people.”
“What type?” I ask, straightening my back. This should be good.
“Come on, Parker. You’re not the type to get on your knees and offer a girl the world. And I’m not the type of girl to accept it,” she informs me as if I should already know this. But if I know anything, it’s that love changes people. I’ve watched it happen in all of my friends. I’ve seen them go from grown men getting sloppy drunk and into fistfights in a bar to hugging and kissing their wives and lying down on the floor to play with their children. I’ve seen the change in their face. I’ve heard it in the way they speak. My friends saw it in me, but now that I look at her, really look at her, I see it—she hasn’t changed in any way.
“Why not?”
“Huh?” She bends down to take off her heels.
“Why are you not the type to accept a man’s world?” I wanna know. I have to know.
She sighs heavily and stands up. “Because I don’t need someone else’s world. I have my own.”
I know her more than she thinks I do. She looks well put together. But I know that she’s a wreck inside. She’s the most beautiful wreck I’ve ever seen. And yet she just ripped my heart out in the worse way.
I hang my head and run my hand over the back of my neck as I take a deep breath. When I look back up at her, she looks prepared. Prepared to fight me. Prepared to tell me to get the fuck out. Because she knows what’s coming. I can’t stop it, even if I wanted to.
“So, let me get this straight. I just told you that I loved you and all you can do is tell me that we are not the type of people who love?”
“Parker,” she says softly. “I’m not trying to hurt you.” I give a hard laugh. “Even the longest days come to an end. You can’t make something happen where it was never meant to be.”
The thing about me. The only thing I hate about myself is that when I’m backed into a corner, I will chew my way out. I will do whatever is necessary to cut you to pieces.
“You’re right, it’s not meant to be.” I watch her body relax as if she just avoided a crisis. Not quite. “Because you’re still that heartless bitch that I arrested.” As I say each word, I watch brick by brick get put back in place. That wall that I had knocked down, she just put back up—to lock me out.
I bend down and grab my shirt up off the floor. And I avoid her eyes as I place it back on and walk out of her bedroom continuing out her front door. And I head anywhere but home. Somewhere that we haven’t been because I need to get her out of my mind. This is exactly why you don’t fall in love. Because when you fall, you hit rock bottom.
*****
KATHERINE
It’s been a week since Parker walked out of my house. I didn’t stop him nor have I contacted him since then. It needed to be done. When he told me that he loved me, I thought he was joking. I’ve ignored my feelings for him, how has he not done the same? Guys like Parker don’t love. They get the feeling of control and confuse it with love. He thought he had control of the situation. And he did. When he called, I came running. I’m not that girl. I never have been before anyway.
I miss him. I’ve kept myself busy. I’ve spent every free moment I have with my dad. Just like before, I pretend to be my mother. I read him the bible and play card games with him. It’s so hard. Every time I see him, it takes another piece of me. And every day it’s as if he’s worse. He always remembers new memories of her, and I can’t keep up with them. I wish I had been around for the good times they enjoyed, but I was just too young. I think at one point and time, my mother was a great woman, until one day she woke up and decided to say goodbye. I guess she went back to France where all of her family lived. I never tried to look her up because truthfully, I don’t want to. I don’t want to hear any lame ass excuse she could possibly have. She chose her path and we made the best of it.
“Jules?”
I look up from the couch that sits in his room to see my father now sitting up in his bed.
“Morning,” I say as I stand from the couch. “Would you like some breakfast?” I ask with a smile.
His hazel eyes look glossed over as he looks around the room as if he’s lost. They linger on the flowers that Sam had sent him for a few seconds and then he looks back up at me. “Where’s Katherine?”
I swallow. “She’s…”
He reaches up, throws his hand over his heart, and lets out a cry of pain. “Dad?” I scream as he hunches over in pain. “HELP!” I yell, placing my hand on his back.
“Dad?” I cry out. “What is it?”
He opens up his mouth to breathe, but nothing comes out. “Dad?” I say as I panic. Nurses rush in at that moment and push me out of the way.
I stand with my back crushed against the wall with one hand over my mouth and the other over my racing heart as I watch them work on him. He grabs for their scrubs as his mouth opens and nothing comes out. His eyes roll to the back of his head as he falls down onto his bed.
“Dad?” I cry out and my body shakes.
My legs give out the moment that they start CPR and I fall down to the floor. I sit there in a stage of hell as I watch them work on him with no results. After several minutes, they stop working on him. And I realize they weren’t able to save him. I close my eyes.
“Good morning, Kat.”
I hear my father’s voice as I keep my eyes shut. I let out a little laugh when he shakes me. “I knew you weren’t asleep,” he says with laughter of his own. “You’re a good faker.”
I open my eyes and see him sitting on my bed next to me. “Momma used to say I was good at hiding seek.”
His smile drops off his face, and I know it’s ‘cause I mention Momma. I forget that he doesn’t want me to mention her. “Sorry,” I say softly.
That warm smile is back on his face. “Don’t be.” He pats my head. “Get up. Your breakfa
st is ready for you. You don’t wanna be late for your first day of fourth grade, do you?” he asks and I shake my head. “Good.” He leans down and kisses my forehead. “I love you.”
I stand in the middle of a cemetery as my friends surround me. Missy had called to check on me regarding Parker, and I told her that I hadn’t spoken to him. That I’d been too busy spending time with my father and that I was glad I was able to spend that time with him because he had passed. She started crying and asked when the funeral was. I almost didn’t tell her, but I did. For my dad. He deserves someone to grieve for him. He deserves for people to know how important he was to this world. How much of a devoted father and loving husband he would have been had my mother stayed with us.
I haven’t cried—he was ready. He had been ready to go for a while. He deserves to not feel heartbreak every single second of every single day. So instead of my world coming to a stop, I planned a funeral.
I look over at Missy as she has her head down and cries her eyes out. She’s taking it pretty hard. I know that Tate and she have lost a baby in the past and Tate almost died when he got shot. Being at a funeral can bring up those old feelings.
“If there’s anything you need, you can call me,” Sam says trying to give me a warm smile but even I can see the tears that stream from behind her sunglasses.
“Thank you,” I say leaning in and giving her a soft hug.
“We’re always here for you,” Slade says with a head nod and I return it.
I stand there as everyone goes to leave. They get in their cars and I watch my father’s casket as they pull out of the cemetery.
I swallow the knot that forms in my throat. It would be selfish for me to ask God to give him back to me. It would selfish because I was the one who put him in a home. I was the one who gave up on him. And in return, he gave up on himself.
I reach over and run my fingers down his dark cherry wood casket. “I love you, Daddy,” I whisper, before lifting my hand to kiss it and then place it back on the casket. “Je te aime,” I say it in French, how he preferred to hear it.
I then turn around to walk back to my car but stop when I see Parker standing only feet from me. His hands are in his front pockets of his black slacks. He has a black button-down shirt on with the sleeves rolled up and he has those damn sunglasses over his eyes.
He’s never looked so good. But that’s just my mind playing tricks on me. I stand there not moving, not speaking, wondering why he is here. Why he hasn’t already left? The man told me he loves me and I just laughed. Why would he come back? Even if I do love him, it will never work.
“I’m sorry.” He finally speaks and his deep voice makes me shiver. I’ve missed it so much and it’s only been a week
“Me too,” I say softly.
“I…” He pauses as he takes a timid step toward me. “Why didn’t you call me?”
“What would I have said?” I’m sorry I can’t love you? I’m fucked in the head? My father died, and I refuse to cry for him because he’s in a better place?
He takes another few steps until he is standing right in front of me. My heart pounds in my chest, and I’m having trouble swallowing. I just need to leave.
His hand comes up and cups my face and my eyes fill with tears. I close them tightly. I feel the wave of sadness wash over me. My body starts to shake and I slap my hand over my mouth to stop the sob that wants to come out.
I keep my eyes tightly shut as I feel him lift my sunglasses to the top of my head. “It’s okay to cry, Kat,” he says softly.
I shake my head, refusing to let it out. To let the dam break. “Open your eyes.”
I close them tighter. “Please?” he begs. “Open them,” he demands this time.
I try to calm my nerves and take a deep breath before I slowly open them to look up at him. His eyes look into mine and his glasses now sit on top of his head as well. “It’s okay to fall, Kat.” His brown eyes that I have missed so much look deeply into mine. “I’m here to catch you.” I blink and a tear runs down my cheek.
“Why is it so hard?” I ask softly.
“Letting go?” he questions with a frown.
I shake my head. “Letting others in?” Why do I want to refuse him? Why do I want to tell him to walk way? When, truthfully, I want to let him in.
I drop my head to look down at the grass below our feet and he wraps his arms around me, pulling me to him. I inhale his scent and realize just how much I have missed him.
“Kat.”
“I can’t count on you, Parker,” I whisper. I truly believe that but the hard part is that I want to. I want to believe that I can.
“I’m standing right here, Kat. I’ve been standing here all along.” He kisses me on the top of my head and hugs me tighter. “Come on.” He pulls away and I quickly wipe away a few tears that had fallen. “I’ll take you home.” He grabs my hand and I allow him to pull me away from the only man that I’ve ever known how to love. The only man that I thought deserved love more than anyone.
I look around for his truck but don’t see it. I don’t speak as he places me on my passenger seat of my car before he gets behind the wheel. I lay my head against the cold glass of the car just like I did the day in the hospital after he fell. It’s crazy how that was only a month ago. How much my life has changed since then. How much I’ve lost since then. I watch my father’s grave get smaller and smaller through the window. My heart breaks. Literally feels like it has been ripped from my body, but something happens when I feel a warm hand grab mine. I look over at Parker, but his gaze remains straight ahead, not speaking as he drives my car. I then look down at his hand holding mine as they rest on the center console and it makes me feel better. It makes me feel loved. But what does that mean? Where are we going to go from here?
*****
He walks into my house and I go straight to my bedroom. I want out of this dress. I want out of this black cloud of grief. I’ve never been that girl who fell to her knees and cried her eyes out. I just never was, and I think I’m seriously broken inside. I feel loss. I feel sadness. But I just don’t show it on the outside. Maybe Parker was right when he called me a coldhearted bitch.
I walk into my closet and undress, before hanging it back up. I then grab a big t-shirt and walk out of the closet to see Parker standing in my doorway looking at me intently.
“I’m okay,” I assure him. “You don’t have to stay. I can take you home?” I offer.
He just stands there with this look of sadness on his face. And I know what he’s thinking. He’s thinking damn, why is this girl so fucked up? He sighs heavily and hangs his head as he rubs the back of his neck. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”
“I didn’t ask you to be.” It’s not like he let me down. No one could have predicted my father would have a heart attack.
He pushes off the doorway and walks up to me. He reaches up and runs his hand through my hair. “You shouldn’t have had to ask me.” He licks his lips and swallows. “I told you I loved you and then I ran from you.”
“Parker…”
“Just listen, please.” I nod. “I should have proved it to you. I shouldn’t have ran.” His other hand comes up to cup my face. “Someone has hurt you, Kat. I don’t know if you think you don’t deserve love. Or if you just don’t want love.” I swallow nervously. “I know you’re not ready. And I also know that we don’t know what we are doing.” His eyes search mine. “But I know that what I feel for you is real. And I know you have to feel something, too.”
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “I do feel something.” I open them and look up at him. “But…do you believe two people can bring the worse out in each other?” I ask.
He tilts his head to the side as if my random question just threw him off. “Yes.”
I do, too. “Do you think I bring out the worse in you?”
He lowers his head down to mine. His eyes look deep into mine as he whispers, “No, Kat. You bring out the best in me.”
CHAP
TER SIXTEEN
PARKER
I’ve never seen a woman like her before. One that can hold in so much at once. At times, it’s as if she’s a robot—detached. She can literally shut off and lock you out. It’s terrifying. I have fallen in love with someone who could walk away from me and never think twice about me.
I was sitting on the couch in the living room holding Pus Puss texting some random bitch that I was hoping would try to keep Kat off my mind when I overheard Missy crying in their bedroom. I had walked down the hallway and knocked on their door. She opened it and had big tears running down her face. She informed me that Kat’s father had passed and I felt my heart get ripped out. I was so selfish. I had cussed her, called you horrible names because she had hurt me, but I didn’t know her reasoning for refusing to love me back. I knew she had a lot of shit going on, yet I was still selfish.
I had made up my mind right then that I wasn’t gonna let her walk away. I was gonna keep trying. How many times does a guy fall in love? I’m hoping only once. And I found her. I’ve watched all of my friends fight for their love and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do.
“I’m not asking anything from you.” I want her to understand that I’m not expecting her to take me back at this exact moment. I don’t expect her to take off her shirt and lie down on the bed for me. I just want her to know that when she’s ready, I’ll be here.
“But where do we go from here?” she whispers.
“We’ll take it day by day. Okay?” I ask and she nods. I lean in and kiss her on her forehead. I feel a little better knowing that she’s not gonna push me away. That she’s gonna allow me to prove it to her.
I reach into my pocket when I hear a cell phone ring, but it’s not mine. “It’s mine,” she says quickly wiping her eyes and then goes over to her purse. She answers it, and I can hear a woman’s panic voice on the other end.
“Slow down,” Kat says quickly. She stands in the middle of her bedroom looking down to the floor as she listens to what the woman has to say. “Bring her over here,” she says all of a sudden. “Does he know where I live?” she questions and I can feel the vibe in the room change.
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