He laughed and I felt my tensions ease. “I can only hope time is all you lose track of or you will have a long life ahead of you in college.”
What a condescending asshole! Before I could reply, he pushed off his desk and passed me. “Don’t be late again.”
If I stayed here, I wouldn’t be late again. If Professor Patrick knew too much, then it would be time to reset life somewhere else. I came here to be away from the scrutiny of the people in that world. I wouldn’t remain here if that were to continue.
With his attitude, it sparked something in me. He challenged me.
I wouldn’t be late again because Shawn Patrick would have no power over me. No man would ever again.
That I knew to my very core.
CHAPTER SIX
The cool water flowed over my skin. Waking today, the rain had drowned my chances to run. My body being accustomed to a morning run craved some sort of exertion. The college pool was open to free swim in the morning and times like this I took advantage of it.
Lately, I had too much pent up energy so anything to release some of what I was feeling was important. Even with all these months having passed, I still missed Giano and the life I had with him. I was always restless here and even with studies to focus on I couldn’t seem to find my own groove in life. I was existing, but I wouldn’t call it living.
I glided down the lane, taking steady, deliberate strokes, while keeping my breaths fluid as I moved. Just like running it was a way to burn off stress and clear my head. I had to remain focused on where I was going and controlling my breathing.
As I finished my last lap, the burn in my legs and arms was a nice reminder I was alive even if at times I felt completely dead inside. Just like running, I had to get to this point before I could stop. I had to remember there was life still inside this body of mine.
Sometimes I wanted it all to end.
Alanzo told me Giano would want me to go on.
While I knew he was right, I struggled.
The dark depths of my mind taunted me. They told me I wasn’t worthy. No one would miss me anyone. I would be gone and no one would cry at my wake. No one would put flowers upon my grave. No one would question or care what really had happened to me.
I was dead inside.
Why continue to make my body go day after day? I should give in and let it all end.
The thoughts swirled. The power of the darkness was winning. I had no friends anymore. I left them behind when I came here and I didn’t call anyone but Alanzo. I had nothing but school and a lost childhood.
It could all be over.
At the side of the pool I let myself slowly sink. My body went down, down, down, as I allowed little bubbles of air to escape.
For a moment, I thought of letting myself stay there.
Who would miss me?
Alanzo? He would move on in life. He was strong like that.
It all went back to the mind.
Just as I was clearing my head to be done with it all, to let go, instincts took over and I found myself floating to the top. My lungs burned for air as I fought to keep my head down. Part of me wanted to open my mouth, suck in the water through my nose, and drown. The other part of me didn’t have the balls to let me go through with it.
In a split second, I was emerging from the water gasping for air.
Coughing, hacking, and spitting up water, I was a wreck. My breaths came in deep intakes but my lungs were caving under the pressure. The pain was intense.
Our minds, advanced as they were, always craved life.
Wasn’t that a disappointment? I had to win the battle of my mind in order to force my body into death. Yet, I was already losing the battle of my emotions because I was so very ready to end it all.
To be successful at ending that life, one must learn to override self-preservation. I wasn’t there … yet.
Maybe in time.
Maybe not.
The only thing I was certain of was, today wasn’t my day to die in a pool.
Rather than dwell on what went wrong or the why’s that landed me to feel this way, I needed to press on. So getting out of the pool, I let my feet lead me as I dressed and headed to class.
And today I was on time.
The next day, I managed to get my run in before the rain. My classes passed and I finished my day in the library. Looking at my phone it was a little after eight and I knew I should head home, but I was wound up. Deciding I wouldn’t be able to sleep, I headed back to the pool.
The workout yesterday was a nice change of pace and maybe this would tire me out for tonight. Or maybe I could tie some weights to my ankles and hold myself down. Either way the pool was calling for me.
Lap after lap, I got lost in the water. I wished my emotions could flow around me and through me the way the water did. Instead they were like weights holding me down and pressing me sinking into the dark abyss. Except every time I would allow myself to give into them, to wallow in them, something inside of me would fight for the light. I just wanted it all to stop.
When my body burned from top to toe, I stopped. Resting my elbows on the ledge, I tried to calm my rapidly beating heart. This was a solid work out even thought that had not been my plan. Looking up, my breathing stopped.
Professor Patrick came strolling toward me, shirtless in swim trunks that fit him perfectly. He looked around, over his shoulders, and scanned the pool area before stopping to crunch down at my level. His golden eyes locked onto mine. It was a trance.
“Ummm, Professor Patrick,” I stumbled out my greeting.
“Shawn, we’re not in class you can call me Shawn, Ms. Diamante.”
I smiled at him, “okay, Shawn, you can call me Angelina.”
“Why are you here so late? I’m always here alone at this time of night.”
I wished I had goggled to hide my eyes. I was fighting not to stare at his bare skin and the tattoos adorning him. Knowing the defined abs, all his muscles, and the ink focusing in class would be impossible I was sure now.
“I needed to clear my head. I usually run, but it was late so I thought this was a safer option.”
“Indeed it is. You run at night often?”
“No, usually in the morning.”
“Ahhh,” he nodded his head. “Losing track of time and being late to class.”
I found myself smiling bigger. “Sometimes.”
He slipped into the water beside me going directly under to wet his hair. Coming up, he treaded water beside me as he pushed his hair back from his face.
“Clear your mind with me,” he invited before he took off gliding beautifully through the water. His legs kicked without making splashes, his arms came up extending far as he cupped his hands to slice into the water rather than splash down on it.
His form was impeccable.
He completed the lap returning to me as I stayed in place with my mouth hanging open. Swimming had never been sexy until now. What was wrong with me?
“You have a text-book technique,” I complimented. “Do you coach for the team here?”
He gave me a smile. His perfect teeth shone as his face relaxed in a way that had me wanting to touch him. I resisted … barely.
“My parents paid for private lessons and the instructor was harsh, firm, and accepted nothing but quiet strokes that were fast.”
“Sounds painful,” I admitted honestly.
“Nah, relax the shoulders and think of your body as a boat pressing through.”
I nodded.
“Take a lap with me.”
This time when he pressed off the wall, I followed suit. When we completed the lap, he positioned behind me. “Try this, I swear the difference will give you more laps before you feel the burn.”
I was frozen as goose bumps sprung up over my arms at his contact.
“Roll your shoulder allowing your body to shift with it. Don’t fight the movements. Keep your kicks steady and cup your hands
so that your fingertips enter the water before the palm.”
He looked down at me. His eyes lingered on my lips.
My mind screamed, kiss me please. While my chest rose and fell with deep breaths.
He licked the water from his lips and I found myself repeating the action. He swallowed hard and pulled his heady gaze from mine before shifting to rest against the pool wall.
“Give it a try,” he encouraged with a groan.
I wanted him to touch me. I wanted him to kiss me. It stirred up all of these bad things inside of me. I was locked in place, unable to move, to breathe, to think.
I shook my head, “maybe next time, gotta go.”
Rushing to push myself out of the pool, I felt my thighs scrape harshly on the concrete, but it didn’t matter I needed space.
Letting my feet move me again, I took off, headed home.
CHAPTER SEVEN
The week dragged on endlessly as I was completely caught up in these new emotions. Each day I found myself struggling to understand and grasp these new thoughts and feelings. Attraction wasn’t something I had a lot of experience in.
Forbidden desires, well those seemed to fuel me. But that had been unhealthy and look where it landed me as well as Giano.
I was damaged, broken, and a fucked up person to go from ruining one man to desiring another that I couldn’t have. Why couldn’t I break this cycle?
I laced up my shoes.
Running.
It suddenly didn’t have the same appeal as swimming.
This was ridiculous.
My emotions were out of control. My mind was a place to get lost in, but instead of finding solace, I found confliction and pain.
Maybe I needed professional help. A shrink to tell me how to get my head screwed back on straight. What was I going to say, my name is Angelina Diamante, and I fucked my father so he blew his brains out? Yeah, that would get me committed for sure. I made the choice to move on as Angelina. That was Giano’s wish in his paperwork. Even though he left me with my real birth certificate, social security number, and even a high school diploma for Fallyn, I chose to remain as Angelina. Which meant I chose to be his daughter so how could I actually explain his suicide?
How much more could I fuck things up? No, talking to someone wouldn’t help me. I just needed to continue on. In time my studies would delve deeper into therapy techniques. Eventually I would learn how to help myself. I just needed to get by.
One day at a time.
If that was too much, I inhaled deeply, then I would take life one hour at time.
Giano wanted this life for me. I couldn’t disrespect him more by not following through.
One foot in front of the other, I quickened my pace. My arms pumped, my body moved, I was gliding with no distance too far.
I kept pressing on as the sweat poured from my forehead.
What had me more rattled wasn’t just my longing for Giano. I missed him, yes. I didn’t know how to process his death even all these months later. I didn’t know what to do with my guilt.
Except that wasn’t my only distraction. That wasn’t the only thing keeping me up at night.
No, I had so many mixed emotions for my teacher and it was plaguing me. I didn’t know what to do with all of these thoughts and feelings. Professor Patrick had consumed my thoughts, my dreams … my fantasies.
I had learned my lesson with Giano. Every fantasy I had ended up fulfilled and look what it cost me … and him.
Shawn Patrick might be all things sexy. He might have eyes that sear my soul. He might look at me in a way that makes me feel alive like no one before … not even Giano. All of those things were important, but for me they were dangerous.
I was a black widow. He was in danger and he didn’t even know it. The thoughts circled in my mind. For every thing I had ever wanted in life had always been taken from me.
Every man who had ever touched me was dead.
Whether I meant for them to be or not, that was the reality. Everyone should stay away from me. I was bad luck.
A black cloud followed me. I was a walking voodoo curse.
I was so conflicted with my emotions because as much as I knew I needed to stay away from him, I still wanted him. The more I knew we had no business spending any amount of time together, the more I wanted to get lost in his eyes. The way he got under my skin gnawed at me. I wanted to kiss him and kick him in the balls at the same time, it was driving me crazy. He was arrogant, bossy, and confident in his place in the world. I was humble, insecure, and completely lost.
My mind went from life with Giano to my desires for Professor Patrick.
He was my instructor. This crossed lines even thinking about it. I knew what happened when thoughts ran out of control.
I ran harder.
Before I realized it, the time had passed and I was once again going to be late if I didn’t hurry. And being late was not an option. Skipping a shower and changing, I headed straight to class a sweaty mess. I didn’t care what anyone thought of me. I was here for an education.
Maybe if he saw me like this, his eyes wouldn’t search mine as if he wanted to undress my mind as much as I wanted him to undress my body.
See crazy thoughts. I knew first hand what it was to see more than what was there … that’s what ruined everything between me and Giano. I was seeing what I wanted in the Professor’s stare rather than what was really there.
He watched me rush in and take my seat.
A small smirk formed on his lips before he shut it down.
“Ms. Diamante, a word after class,” he said with a nod.
I looked at the clock, I was on time with not a minute to spare, but I was on time dammit. I gave a nod wanting this class to be over.
Today was obviously not going to be my day. Though as I thought about it, I couldn’t pinpoint any single day or moment since Giano’s death where I felt like I had a good day.
Class finished and I begrudgingly made my way to him. I didn’t like confrontation. I didn’t like being in trouble. In fact, all I really wanted in life was to go to school to learn techniques to battle my grief and to be left alone.
All alone.
That word for being so short held so much weight. It was true though, I was better off alone. Everything I touched was tainted. I was scarred. I would forever carry the sins of my past.
“Look Professor, I wasn’t late. So whatever you have to say, shove it.”
The words tumbled out and I was mortified.
I didn’t mean to be so abrasive. I didn’t mean to say them at all. I just wanted to be left alone. I wanted to leave his class, go home, and shut out the world. I wanted to hide away and make myself forget the way he looked at me. The way he awakened my soul.
He laughed and my ears felt like they had gone to Heaven. He was charismatic teaching, talking, moving, but laughing, he was amazing. He had this soft pitch that only drew my ears in to listen further.
“I was going to tell you that some of the doctorate students in the psychology department will be sitting in on my four pm class. If you want to attend, you can meet some of them and see how their educational path has gone. They need to identify social impacts through the ages and a few of them have decided history refreshers will help them.”
I didn’t know what to say. “Why me?”
He shook his head like he was in a fog. I couldn’t explain it, but when I was around him I was in a fog of my own too so I understood the need to shake it off.
“It’s not mandatory, just an opportunity, Ms. Diamante.”
I stood there absolutely stunned. Why would he want to give me any sort of opportunity? What was his angle here? It was my turn to shake off the fog. “I’m an ass. Sorry, I guess I’m just skeptical of people.”
He raised his hands in surrender. “No motive here, just giving you a chance.”
“I’m sorry. I’ll be here.”
He stood and pressed his han
d to the small of my back. Electricity shot through me. “I look forward to seeing you again,” he winked.
The butterflies went crazy in my stomach.
Don’t see something that isn’t there, I reminded myself. He was being kind, friendly. While I might be attracted to him, he was my professor. Even if he was only eight years older than me, he was still older. I needed to stop my infatuation with the silver fox’s. Maybe that had to do with my childhood. I had serious “Daddy Issues” that again brought me full circle to needing help. Which was why I was in school—help myself and learn to help others.
The rest of my day was a blur before returning to attend his afternoon class. I sat to the corner beside a psychology student named Tom. He was nice, open about his studies, and very helpful. Talking to him, I was more determined to continue down this path because the mind and spirit were important.
Maybe in time, I could heal not only myself but learn skills to help other children who experienced the things I had.
After the lecture, I left with a small nod to Professor Patrick. Part of me wanted to approach him and offer my true gratitude with a thank you, but I decided not to. Being so close to him, electricity ran through me and I seemed to lose all my senses.
On my way home, I stopped at a small sushi restaurant. Since it wasn’t busy and going home alone was bothering me, I went inside and sat down.
I placed my order and watched as the sushi was made and then brought to me. I was finishing my third roll when the air shifted around me.
I stiffened and looked up to find Professor Patrick walking in.
My instincts said get up and leave. But something inside me screamed to stay. It would look strange for me to leave mid-meal so I remained in place with a small wave to acknowledge him.
In a few moments, he was setting a plate down in front of me.
“Mind if I join you?”
I waved my hand. “Go right ahead.”
He sat and I struggled to focus on my food.
“Do I make you nervous Angelina?”
I swallowed hard.
“You don’t have to study psychology to read people.”
Reclaiming Me Page 4