by C. C. Morian
Just thinking of that morning got Melissa angry, how cocky Marcus was, knowing as she tore off his clothes that he might have just been with another woman, wanting to prove to him that she could be anything he wanted. Melissa looked for any hint Marcus had been cheating, anything in his voice or demeanor, but he was just the same, making her wonder if she could ever really trust him. She took him in her mouth, half expecting to smell and taste another woman, but as always she got lost in the lovemaking, listening to his voice, him saying how it turned him on to see her on her knees in front of him, how good it felt. “You think that feels good?” she had murmured, as she pulled off her clothes with one hand. “Try this.” And she had got on her hands and knees, reaching back for him, rubbing his cock against her dripping pussy, and then sliding it up to her ass. She had never had anal sex with him, with anyone, but she knew he had wanted it, he had used his fingers on her, but she had always resisted. Now she was going to do anything for him. And Marcus had practically lost control, moaning a little as he entered her, so tight, and then again as he came inside her, his cool broken for once, and at that moment she wasn’t thinking about anything else, not the other woman, not his infidelity, just how she was making him feel, how he was making her feel.
But after it was over, as surprisingly good as it was, she knew she could never fully trust him. He’d be able to lie to her face, he could be with her right after another woman, and she’d never know. She’d never be able to truly read him.
Julie was watching her carefully. “Did it work?”
“I don’t know. I guess so. But I could never be sure about him. Besides,” Melissa tried to laugh, “it was college. I had to grow up sometime. I wanted to be with a man I could trust.”
“You did okay. More than okay. Even my situation is good, given what some of our friends have to deal with.”
“I know,” said Melissa. “And I feel bad for not being happier. You know, I even wondered if Richard was having an affair, he seems so uninterested in me most of the time.”
“That’s crazy! He would never do that. Marcus I could see it, but not Richard.”
“I know. I was just looking for something to blame it on. That’s when I started working out even more, keeping fit. I didn’t want him to lose interest because of me.”
“You are in amazing shape,” said Julie. “I wish I had your dedication to be in the gym with your busy schedule. I’d die for your flat stomach and your gorgeous legs.”
“And I’d die for your boobs,” said Melissa, laughing.
“Big boobs are overrated,” said Julie. “They’ll sag someday. You’ll be happier with your perky tits, believe me.”
“I bet if we asked a guy, hell, I bet if we asked a hundred guys, ninety nine of them would prefer your boobs over mine.”
“So you think that’s it? Richard wants someone with big tits?”
Melissa shook her head. “No, I don’t think so. I knew some of the women he dated before me. Mostly jock types, on the slender side. Nothing in common except they were all in good shape. No silicone anywhere.”
“Too bad,” said Julie. “You could have gotten a boob job.”
“I never thought I’d say this, but I would be willing to consider anything,” said Melissa.
“I’ll try to think of some ideas for you,” said Julie. “Face it, you married the good guy, not the bad boy. Doesn’t mean you still can’t have both.”
Melissa was shocked. “I couldn’t cheat on Richard.”
“Everyone could cheat,” said Julie, looking away.
“Julie? Are you trying to tell me something?”
Julie grimaced. “No. I never cheated. But I did think about it once. I actually came pretty close. But I thought, what if it didn’t turn out to be that good? I would have taken all that risk for nothing. Although John would probably have never noticed. Sometimes I think he barely knows what I’m thinking. But if it had been with someone I knew, someone I had a history with, good sex. . . I don’t know. I might have.”
“I could never do it, even if I wanted to,” said Melissa. “Richard knows me too well. I could never lie to him. One time I faked an orgasm. He saw right through it. He made me promise never to do it again. He said he’d rather fail than we not be honest.”
Julie smiled. “Who says you have to cheat? Everyone has fantasies. You can think of Marcus when, you know, things aren’t going so well in the bedroom with Richard.”
Melissa signaled the waiter for the check, trying not to let on how Julie had touched on the truth. Melissa did fantasize about Marcus. A lot. And, she was embarrassed to admit to herself, often when she was with Richard. Richard always wanted the lights off during sex, and the only blessing of that was she could lie back and pretend that it was Marcus between her legs, touching her, licking her. . . It never felt the same, the way Richard made love wasn’t at all like what Marcus did, what he was capable of. But it helped.
Melissa finished her wine. “I’ve got to get back to work. If you do think of anything, I’m open to suggestions. I really am. I’ve run out of ideas.”
Chapter 2
Richard was at the office again on Saturday. Melissa tried not to work many weekends, so she was catching up on some things, getting a little more unpacking done. In the afternoon she finally took a break, going through the mail that had piled up. On top was a notice for a monthly neighborhood pot luck at the community center, scheduled for tomorrow. She set it aside; it would be good to meet some of the neighbors.
One letter caught her eye, it looked like a wedding invitation, but she didn’t recognize the return address, and didn’t know anyone about to get married. Curious, she opened the envelope to find a fancy looking invitation to her tenth college reunion. Disappointed, she tossed it back in the pile. A wedding would have been fun, she might have convinced Richard to go to a wedding, he had done that a few times, although now that she thought of it the last one had been a few years ago, and he obviously could not wait to get it over with and get back home and to work. A reunion? Not a chance he’d go, and she wouldn’t feel right going alone, even if Julie went. And her school had been so big, she wondered how many people she’d remember anyway. Julie was right, a lot of it had been a drunken haze.
Richard finally got home at six. Melissa doubted he would have even come home then if she had not texted him twice to remind him it was Saturday, the one day she had made him promise they would spend their evenings together, even if it was just to veg out in front of the television.
He gave her a perfunctory hug and kiss, then walked to the refrigerator, grabbed a covered container, and stuck it in the microwave. Melissa watched him, wondering if he even knew or cared what he was heating up. It wasn’t just her he had lost interest in, it was anything besides work.
He brought his food back to the table and began flipping through the mail. “Sorry I didn’t wait for dinner,” he apologized. “I worked through lunch and haven’t had anything since this morning.”
“That’s okay. I wasn’t sure what time you were going to get home so I had a snack.” Melissa touched his arm. “Sorry about all the texts, you know I hate to be a nag.”
He looked up at her, surprised. “You know I never feel that way. I just get so caught up in work. There’s a lot going on.”
“There’s always a lot going on,” she said, a little more hotly than she had intended. Suddenly she felt like she was going to cry. She turned away, pushing back her hair.
Richard put his fork down. “Hey, what’s the matter?” He was totally focused on her now, another reason why she loved him; when he wanted to he could be just as intent on her as he was on his job. It was how he used to be all the time, doing whatever he could to make her happy. If only they could recapture those times, not that she needed him to be totally focused on her, but just the togetherness, the sharing, the interest.
“It’s nothing,” she managed, knowing she wasn’t fooling him for a minute. Richard knew her better than anyone, he cared for he
r in a way no one else had.
“Tell me.”
She met his eyes. “It’s the same thing,” she said, defensively. “I just feel like we’re in a rut.”
“We’ve talked about this before,” he said, a little dismissively, as if saying this was nothing to get upset about.
“I know, I know. I don’t want to talk about it now, especially on our one night a week we plan on together.” Melissa hesitated. “Date night later?” she asked tentatively. ‘Date night’ was their code word for sex. Richard was so straight-laced, she had learned it was better to ease into it. God forbid she ever said something like “Want to fuck?” He’d have a heart attack.
“Hmm, maybe,” he mused, his mind back on the mail. “I have some work I need to do.” When she didn’t answer he looked up and said, “I’ll try, I really will.”
Melissa knew that he meant it, at that moment, and once he made a promise he almost always held to it. It was another reason she was so comfortable with him, he was trustworthy. A great husband, she reminded herself again. He loved her.
But sometimes she just wished he was more. . .cave man, wanting her simply because she was a female and not only because she was his wife, wanting to have his way with her. More like Marcus. . .she regretted even thinking about it, and never really had compared Richard to him, other than in a positive way, but Julie had put Marcus back in her head, and she couldn’t shake it.
“Here’s something you should do to break out of your rut,” said Richard, holding up the reunion invitation.
“The reunion?” she asked, hopefully. “Would you go?”
This time Richard missed her tone. “Nah. I’d be bored stiff. I wouldn’t know anyone, and you know how I hate big parties.”
“It wouldn’t be fun without you,” she said, trying to keep the disappointment out of her voice.
“Sure it would, it would be more fun.” He paused. “You know, I realize how boring I must be to you sometimes, being so much older, not into the same things.”
Melissa laughed a little. “Ten years isn’t that much older. These days you are not even middle aged.”
“Still,” he said, “sometimes I feel that even while we think the same way about a lot of things—what is right and wrong, how to treat people—we are far apart on what we like to do for fun.”
Melissa couldn’t help but tease. “You still have fun?”
Richard didn’t take the bait, still serious. “You know what I mean. I want you to be happy,” he said gently. “I know that before you were with me you did some partying, dancing, going out.”
“When I was in college,” she said. “And maybe a little after. That isn’t what life is all about.”
“Says who? If that’s what makes you happy, you should keep doing it. I’d hate myself if you stopped all that for me.” He looked away. “It already bothers me.”
“It’s not that I stopped it for you,” she protested. “It’s just that I’d rather be doing things with you, and you don’t like to do any of that.”
“I’ve gone with you when you wanted to go places,” he said, a little defensively.
“I know. I’m not complaining. You’ve tried. But I know you aren’t having a good time. You do it just for me, and that doesn’t make it as fun.”
Richard’s eyes sparkled. “Well, there are a few things I do for you, you know, in the bedroom, that you don’t seem to mind.”
Melissa smiled, trying to mask her inner sadness. Here was that playful spark Richard once had more of, even though he was so straight he couldn’t bring himself to say right out what he was talking about, how he would go down on her, something she loved but knew he was doing just for her.
When she didn’t say anything he said, “Maybe we can do that later tonight?”
She nodded, but she knew that if they did have sex that night, she would not let him go down on her. It would be in her head that he was doing it just for her, not getting excited himself, and she wouldn’t be able to relax, to let herself go.
She picked up his plate. “Why don’t you get your work out of the way before you get tired.” But what she really meant was, before you get too tired to have sex.
Chapter 3
Melissa walked quietly into Richard’s home office. He was hunched over some papers, so focused he didn’t hear her come in. When he finally glanced up she could see how exhausted he was. Her first instinct was to tell him to stop working, to go to bed, but she didn’t want to remind him of something he already knew. And she didn’t want to imply that she wanted him upstairs just for sex.
She touched his shoulder and started to give him a gentle neck massage. “Anything I can help with?” she asked.
“No, thanks. Not that you couldn’t do it,” he added quickly. “It would just take too long to explain. What I’m working on now you have to be kind of in the middle of it.” He glanced up at her. “I do wish I could convince you to work with me though. You would be really good at this. I mean it.”
She knew he did. But working together would be a disaster, not because they would disagree or argue, but he already brought all his work home, not just the papers and the computer files, but the thoughts, filling his head. What would happen if she worked in the same place? They’d never be free of it.
Not that they were now.
“I’m going take a quick shower and then go to bed,” she said, trying to keep any expectation out of her voice.
He glanced at the clock. “I’ll be up by nine thirty or so.”
Melissa walked out quickly, already getting it set in her mind that they would not have their ‘date night’ evening. Even if Richard did come up soon, he’d be too tired. That had happened more and more lately, and she had tried harder and harder to excite him, with disastrous results. He started thinking about performing—his word—and got so wrapped up in it that he just couldn’t. Not only no orgasm, but he couldn’t even get hard.
Maybe she could learn to live without sex, but she so wanted Richard to be happy, with her, with their marriage. She realized that sex could be both selfish and selfless, and whenever Richard couldn’t perform she was never resentful or disappointed, it wasn’t about getting something physical for herself. Rather, all she was thinking about was how to make it good for him. She’d give up a hundred orgasms to not have him be in that position just once.
Richard tried at first to laugh it off, saying he was just tired, that it was okay if he just pleased her, but she knew it had started to bother him. He’d get a faraway look in his eye, and go through the motions for her, using his fingers, but his mind was somewhere else. Melissa tried to ignore it, knowing he would feel worse if she didn’t finish, and so she let her mind wander too, not to where his probably was, thinking about work, but to her fantasies, all the things she wished Richard would do to her.
A few years ago, even before all their problems started, Melissa had playfully suggested a few things, innocuous, or so she thought. She wasn’t kinky or anything, but their sex, even then, had been predictable, almost boring. Always at the end of the day, in bed, in almost total darkness. Almost always in the missionary position. Sometimes she gave him oral, he did seem to be okay with that, probably because she got so excited.
But when she had brought up her ideas, teasingly, Richard had reacted strangely, at first thinking she was joking, and then just being quiet. Blindfolds, sex toys. Were they really so odd? Melissa had known girls in college who had done threesomes, experimented with lesbian sex, fucked two different guys in the same night just a few hours apart. Had those girls given all that up just because they were slightly older women now? She couldn’t believe it. Certainly they were doing more than missionary with their husbands. Okay, maybe not threeways any more, but even that, who knows?
Melissa wasn’t into porn but she would have watched it if Richard had been interested. But he never mentioned it, and when she teased him once about what he did on his computer when she was out, he didn’t know what she was talking about, real
ly didn’t know. She asked him if he surfed for porn and he just said, ‘Who has time for that?’ Not, ‘Who needs porn? I’ve got you.’ Just that he thought it would be a waste of time.
She remembered the first time she had watched it, with, who else, Marcus. She had asked him why men watched porn. He had replied, in his cool manner, “It’s educational. You never know what you might learn about yourself.” She thought he was joking and asked what was there possibly to learn? Positions?
“You might surprise yourself at what you like,” he had said.
The next time they were together Marcus pulled out a thumbdrive. ‘Want you to see something. Sit on the bed, put your back against the wall.’
She didn’t know what he was up to but did as he told her. Marcus took her laptop and positioned it next to her so she could see it.
‘Don’t tell me what you are looking at,’ he said. ‘If you don’t like it, just skip ahead. Surprise yourself.’
‘Where will you be?’ she asked, starting to get the idea.
‘Right here.’ Marcus slid down on the bed, kneeling on the floor, his face between her legs.
‘I’m not sure I want to do this,’ she said, but she was intrigued. What had he picked for her to watch?
Melissa clicked on the video as he pulled off her jeans. The first clip was of a guy and a girl, pretty straight sex, she had huge tits and was making weird expressions with her face, it looked so fake. Melissa had fast forwarded. She paused on a few, Marcus now starting to kiss her thighs, she was having a problem focusing on the video. A lesbian scene, nothing of interest there. Is this what Marcus thought would turn her on? She was starting to get a little disappointed.
Then a threeway, two girls and a guy, every man’s fantasy, she would have laughed if Marcus hadn’t just hit her right there at that moment, forcing Melissa to hold the fast forward icon too long, the video jumped into another scene, the woman a natural blonde, just like Melissa, naked, standing hesitantly next to a black guy who didn’t look like Marcus but Melissa had to admit he was hot. The woman lifted her face, almost shyly, and the black man in the video kissed her, hard. The blonde held back at first, then her arm went around his broad shoulders, barely able to reach his back.