by Jeannie Moon
“Fine!” she blurted out. “Fine. You want to know? I’m a virgin.”
His hand, which was playing with a lock of hair that had escaped her pony tail, froze. “What?”
“I’ve never been with a man. Now you know.”
The tears she’d been fighting off spilled over her cheeks, but she was damned if she was going to cry over this. Brushing her fingers over her cheeks, she stood. Before he could stop her, she put some distance between them, packing up their lunch.
The last thing Keely wanted was pity, and she especially didn’t want it from Jonah. It was humiliating enough being almost twenty-eight and never having had sex. She looked back at the last ten years and wondered how a simple thing like that had gotten away from her. College was a blur. Expectations were so high after she won the scholarship competition that all she focused on were her studies. That she was in a results-driven, high pressure environment like Duke—and she was a woman, on a scholarship—didn’t help.
More than anything, Keely wanted to be taken seriously. That meant she couldn’t be seen as anything other than a scientist. The result was her male friends were just that… friends.
When she went to grad school, there were more opportunities to date interesting men, but now she was kryptonite. Once they found out about her situation, they backed off. She didn’t know if it was because they were gentlemen or cowards. It was a vicious cycle.
Kneeling on the saddle blanket she’d spread on the ground, she swallowed hard.
He crouched before her. Keely did everything she could not to make eye contact. “You’re embarrassed.”
“A little.” Her voice cracked. Don’t cry.
“Why?” His voice was deep and gentle, and there wasn’t a drop of pity. It washed over her, comforting her in a way she never expected.
“It’s not normal.” Standing, she walked away and stopped where the slope became steep. Gazing out, she could see for miles.
Coming up next to her, he stuck his hands in his pockets.
“It’s normal for you.” He said it with such certainty, like there was nothing wrong. “You’ve lived a pretty amazing life. Sex is great, but it’s just sex. I just can’t believe you couldn’t find a willing partner.”
“Tell that to all the guys who’ve run scared. I mean, it stopped you cold.”
He looked away and winced. She’d struck a nerve.
“It surprised me. But it stopped me because it’s you, and with our history…”
“Wait!” Keely knew what was coming. “Let me see if I can do this. You don’t want it to be more significant than it should be? Or it could ruin everything between us? Or I don’t want to reduce our friendship to sex? Which one?”
“Sarcasm isn’t a good look on you. I’m trying to understand.”
“Seriously? What’s there to understand? As you said, sex is just sex. Maybe I should just ride up to Bozeman and go find myself a willing partner.” Grabbing her pack off the ground, she set off toward the horses, but Jonah wasn’t far behind.
He grabbed her hand and spun her into him. He was pissed. “I didn’t say that.”
“No, but what difference does it make? At least then I’d be…”
“Normal?”
“Yes.” Her voice cracked again, but this time she didn’t stop herself. Sniffling, her lower lip trembled as a few tears escaped.
His thumbs grazed her cheeks. “Honey, you’re way too special to be considered normal. Jumping into bed with someone won’t change that.”
“I’m so tired of it.” Where was this confession coming from? Talk about a meltdown. “I work so hard, but I have no life.”
She’d never spoken these words aloud to anyone before. Her family was so proud of her accomplishments that the thought of letting them down was crushing. She’d never be able to tell them she wasn’t completely dedicated to her work and her education.
Surprisingly, Jonah didn’t offer advice; instead, he pulled her close and let her have her meltdown.
His arms wrapped around her like bands of steel, and he held her firmly against him. Her head rested on his chest, where she could hear the steady beat of his heart. Being there with him, close and protected, in a place she loved so much, quieted her frenetic mind and soothed her soul. Keely wondered if this is was what love felt like.
She had no idea how long she cried, but when she finally stopped, he stepped back.
“Better?”
She shrugged. To be honest, she wasn’t sure. Coming home had opened the floodgates, and she wasn’t loving it. “Not going to mansplain me out of it? Tell me to suck it up and be thankful. Tell me what to do?”
His laugh rumbled in his chest. “Nah. I don’t have a death wish.”
“I’m sorry about that. I never cry. The town seems to bring it out of me.”
He clasped his hands together, and gave her a leg up before mounting his own horse. “You’re under a lot of pressure. But it has me wondering… no, never mind.”
“What? Go ahead.” At this point, there wasn’t much he could say that would upset her more than she was.
“You’re doing all this incredible work. In another ten years, you’ll make some major discovery, or save the planet completely. But are you doing what you want to do?”
It was a question no one had ever asked. Was she doing what she wanted? Answering that question would change her life, and Keely didn’t know if she was ready. She didn’t know if she had the nerve.
“I’m doing what people expect of me.”
“That’s not what I asked you. There are a lot of people who give up any semblance of a normal life for work. And if they’re happy, more power to ’em. But why keep up with the grind if you’re not happy?”
“Is that what made you leave the Army? It wasn’t what you wanted to do?”
Ever since she’d been back, Keely wondered what was behind him leaving the service. Growing up, it was all he and Gabe talked about. Something had happened to him, and Jonah wasn’t saying.
“I followed orders. I did what I was told.”
Keely’s mare pranced in place when a stiff wind blew through the hills rustling the leaves on the tree. “Okay. That’s part of the gig. I’m not following.”
Jonah’s shoulders and back went rigid, like he was ready to fight. He could give it his best shot, but Keely was of no mind to take his crap. Her meltdown was over. “Jonah? Following orders is part of military life.”
“Yeah. But an order I was given ended up killing six people. I wasn’t gonna let that happen again.”
“So, you quit?”
“I resigned my commission. It was time to move on.”
This conversation was going nowhere fast, and Keely could see that Jonah wasn’t going to give her any answers, at least not yet. It appeared she wasn’t the only one carrying baggage. It almost made her feel better. Her big, strong pilot didn’t break down in tears like she did, but he was fighting plenty of his own demons.
“I’ll be here, when you’re ready to talk about it.”
“I don’t need a shrink, Keely.”
“A shrink? I thought I was being a friend.” Giving her mare a little kick, Keely took the horse to a steady trot. “Suit yourself. I’ll see you down at the bottom.”
The man was damn stubborn. But if she’d realized anything that afternoon, it was that her crush wasn’t a crush. Keely was in love with him, and she probably always had been.
*
Considering Keely hadn’t talked to him since they left the clearing about halfway up the mountain, Jonah figured he was in hot water. He’d shut her down pretty quickly, and it wasn’t fair. They worked together silently to load up her gear and the horses, and for the last fifteen minutes she’d sat in his truck with her arms folded, looking out the window.
“Have you talked to Charlie yet?”
Just his luck. She hadn’t talked in almost an hour, and when she finally decided to say something, she brought up the calendar?
“Yes, now I
have to call Clara.”
“Fantastic. You probably got replaced. Or the project has been scrapped.”
“It hasn’t been scrapped.”
“You have to do it.”
“I didn’t say I wouldn’t,” he grumbled. “At this point I’ll have to answer to Logan. The last thing he wants is for anyone to piss off Charlie. He’s threatened beatings.”
The stunned look on her face was almost funny. “Wait. Are they a thing, or something?”
“Definitely something. I’m not sure what’s going on.”
“It would be awful if the calendar didn’t get done. It’s still happening, isn’t it?”
He nodded. “Yeah, but if the whole thing falls apart, I won’t shed any tears. I don’t want to take my clothes off. I’ve done a lot of stupid things in my life, I’d like to keep porn star off the list.”
That was the wrong thing to say. Shit.
“It’s not porn. Eww! It’s art. Have you seen Charlotte’s work? It’s beautiful.”
Shifting in her seat, she faced him. Damn, the girl was pretty. If he didn’t think Keely would clock him one, he’d pull off the road and give her some of that experience she was looking for. Jeez. Time to think about something else. “I’ve seen it. It doesn’t change anything.”
Folding her arms and looking away, he didn’t know what else to say. He had some money saved, he’d happily fork it over to avoid having to pose for the calendar.
“It’s for Harry. For his memory.”
Now she was using guilt. Effective, since he didn’t like seeing her upset. He remembered that Harry was in her class, and one of her good friends. Of course the house would matter to her. And his legacy would matter more.
There were few things he hated more than being paraded around like some hero, and that was the line they were using.
Real Montana Heroes. The Men of Marietta.
He wanted to shake someone and tell them he wasn’t a hero. He was anything but. Because he played it safe, six people had died. It was all on him. No one blamed him outright, but that didn’t seem to matter. Not to him.
“I’ll try to find out what’s going on.”
“But will you? You’ve been stalling for weeks. That’s almost worse than saying no.”
There was no response to that. The woman who had collapsed against him had her spine back, and she was having none of his shit. He couldn’t be any more attracted to her.
He was a being a candy ass where she was concerned too. How the hell was he supposed to think straight when his dick was perpetually hard? Just thinking about her set him off. She was silent again as he drove through the familiar neighborhood leading to her house.
Keely didn’t say a word as she hopped out of the truck and pulled the totes from the truck bed. Every one of her limbs moved in perfect sync. This was a woman who was used to being physical—she understood her body, and for that reason alone, Jonah knew sex with her would be mind-blowing.
Shit.
He took her horse to the barn, and set about the normal grooming without a thought. She was really pissed. Which made him pissed. He was either going to punch the wall or kiss her senseless. The barn doors were wide open and he had a clear view of her giving some love to her two border collies. She’d squatted down to pet the two, wiggling black and white furballs, and in the process, her shirt rode up and her jeans crept down to reveal the creamy skin of her back. To his surprise, he saw a pink flower tattoo sitting neatly above her right butt cheek, giving innocent Keely a soft and sexy edge.
Every nerve ending was firing and Jonah was convinced he was going to have a heart attack. Everything about her from the tousled hair to the black lace underwear that teased him, Jonah was a dead man walking.
He was also an idiot. He could be on that mountain making love to her right now, but no. No, that wasn’t happening.
She came in with her saddle, the pads, and her bridle, and didn’t give him so much as a look as she stored her gear in the tack room. He’d gone back to brushing the dust out of Sunny’s rich chestnut coat, trying to think about something that wouldn’t trigger a hard-on.
“I’ll do that. You don’t need to.”
Elbowing him aside, she took the body brush and resumed stroking her horse’s coat.
“I don’t mind,” he said.
“I know. But I’ve taken up enough of your time.”
“Okay. You know what? Cut the crap.” He raised his voice and the horse gave him a warning with a stomp of her hoof. If the mare thought Keely was threatened, Jonah was going to get the shit kicked out of him. Literally.
“What’s that supposed to mean? I don’t need you doing things for me. I can take care of myself.”
“I know. I’m trying to be nice.” The horse stomped again and this time shot him a look. “Why are you shutting me out?”
“Because I’m angry,” she snapped, tossing the brush in a blue bucket. “About… about everything.”
He was starting to understand. This wasn’t about her work, or even her lack of sex life.
This was about Harry.
Keely took Sunny off cross ties and lead her out to one of the paddocks. There was a nice shady spot, lots of green grass coming up and a bucket of clean water. The horse had been a doll all day, she deserved a break.
Jonah stayed back in the barn and watched her from a distance. There were some words between the woman and her horse, and Sunny bobbed her head and nickered before being sent off to graze.
There was such sadness in her posture as Keely made her way back down the aisle. It was so out of character, it jolted him. And there wasn’t anything he could do, which ticked him off. Even in the toughest times, Keely found the bright spot. Hell, when he’d found her half frozen, once she woke up, she was joking around with him. It was how he knew she was going to be okay.
Pressing her back into the wall, she let out a long breath.
“He was a good friend, wasn’t he?”
The way her head snapped in his direction, Jonah could tell he was crossing into dangerous territory. But she needed to talk, that much he could see.
It took a second, but Keely finally nodded. “He was. He was a good friend to everyone. There wasn’t a bad thing you could say about Harry. Ever.”
“It must be hard coming home, and having that piece gone.”
She sniffled and dabbed her eyes. “You’re getting the crier today. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry.” Taking her hand, Jonah pulled her close. “Just a shoulder, okay?”
He sat on an old barrel that was on its side in the aisle, and tugged her into his lap. She didn’t resist it, but instead, placed her head on his shoulder, and wrapped her arms around his waist. He held on because she needed it, and so did he.
“I didn’t find out he died for over a month. My mother had been trying to contact me, but I was so wrapped up in my own work, I forgot to call her. Finally, she sent me an email with the news. Talk about a come to Jesus moment.”
“We all get that way sometimes. You travel so much…”
“I was in California. I could have gotten home without a problem. I was here for two days at Thanksgiving and three days at Christmas. I saw Harry’s mom and his siblings for the first time at church on Christmas Eve. I felt awful.”
“You’re not the only person who didn’t get back. I’m sure of that.” He wished he could say something to make her feel better, but he was coming up empty.
“But I should have been here. Jenny and I were good friends.” She straightened her back and locked her eyes on his. “I’ve missed everything. Weddings, births, deaths. All kinds of milestones. Marietta isn’t just my hometown. It helped to raise me, Jonah. The town encouraged me. Every single person was proud of me when I won that science competition. Every one. It didn’t matter that they didn’t understand it. They owned it as much as I did.”
There were so many things he wanted to say, but he didn’t know how. He remembered all the excitement around town when
Keely left to go the Washington. Everyone waited by the phone, checking in with each other, to hear if she won. The pride she brought to the town was unmatched because it was different. Marietta had its share of sports stars, and the men and women who had served their country were revered. But Keely’s big brain had put her with the best of the best—the science minds of the future. And because of her, children of ranchers, farmers, and small business owners were taught they could do anything—that being from a small mountain town didn’t limit their dreams.
But she’d missed a lot and she was feeling it. It was something he understood well, having been gone for long stints. There were times he didn’t know how his family put up with him. He’d neglected people and things. Coming home was about saving himself; he’d left too many pieces in the dust near Kabul. It sounded like Keely was in the same boat. She’d lost herself along the way.
Burying her face in his chest, she sniffed. “Everyone thinks I have this amazing life, when I really don’t. I have no life at all. Everything that matters has slipped away from me, and it took Harry dying for me to understand that.”
Jonah kissed the top of her head, inhaling the scent of wildflowers and evergreen trees that she brought back from the mountain. “What are you going to do?”
Her eyes locked on his and that was it. Brushing her fingers against the stubble on his cheek, Keely’s lips teased his with the softest kiss. It was a whisper. A breeze. It was her.
“I’m going to think,” she said. “I know I don’t want any more chances to get by. I’ve missed too many.”
Keely stood, took a deep breath, and nodded toward the house. “I have plans later, so I’m going to shower.”
“Big night out?”
“Some of the girls and I are going to Grey’s. Maybe I’ll see you there?” Was that an invitation? He could only hope.
He rarely went out anymore, preferring a fire, a book, and a beer at home to a noisy bar. Of course, that was another way to avoid a real life. “Maybe. Ah, Keely—?”
“Yeah?” She turned toward him.
“It’s going to be okay. And the reason everyone is so proud of you is because you deserve it.”
Chapter Eight