'Promise me you'll tell her!' I ask him her name
'Agnes,' he croaks, '...called me Hendrix' and dies
by Pete Hendrix
So we now know it is just a matter of time.
Jack had been diagnosed with cancer the week following Zelda’s last birthday. His nagging cough would not stop, so he went to the doctor, expecting a prescription for his allergies. He only smokes an occasional joint now and a few cigarettes a day, nothing like he smoked before Indie’s death.
Instead, he and Malachy came in through the back door of the kitchen, not saying one word. None of their usual banter and laughter. Just silence. Our lives changed that day. I will remember every detail of that afternoon for the rest of my life. If all good things in your life happen unexpectedly, then the same rule applies for the horrible, gut wrenching moments that change your life in the nanosecond it takes to blink an eye.
Those moments in time that move fast, then slow. Just like the afternoon I lost my brother Charles to a drunken driver’s crazy mistake.
With no words being spoken, I instinctively recognized that something had happened between Jack and Malachy. They were more like best friends than employer and employee – possibly even closer than many fathers and sons. No, my mind knew there hadn’t been an argument; it was something else, a deeper heartbreak. They were moving as if in slow motion. Both of their faces were ashen. Something was wrong. Zelda and I had only returned from getting groceries a few minutes earlier. Zelda chattered almost nonstop. Her spirit and animated personality was the same as Jack’s, which always had a calming, soothing effect on me. She ran up to hug Jack and the way he looked at her, the loving way he embraced her, sweeping her feet off the floor as he gathered her close to him, he looked as if he would never let her go.
Slow. It was slow.
Malachy’s lanky frame stood in the doorway, his cap pensively twisting in his long fingers. He looked at me, beseechingly, as if for an answer.
Placing the fresh bread we had purchased on the countertop, I walked to Jack and removed Zelda from his arms, grazing his cheek softly with a kiss.
Slow. Slower. Slowest.
“Sweetheart, can you go find Mrs. Trelawney for Mummy? She may be in the back garden.” At that point, Mrs. T had heard Jack and Malachy enter the back door, so she walked into the kitchen, expecting us all to have our usual afternoon tea.
Turning to look at her, I could sense that she, too, could feel the black despair bleeding from the two men. She looked at Jack, then at Malachi, and turning toward me, she said, “What if Zelda and me have a walk around the garden before tea time? I’ll fetch her jacket and we two shall look for fresh flowers. How does that sound, Zelda?”
“Mrs. T, that would be perfect. Maybe you could take Zelda to our barn for a while, maybe feed the chickens in the barn, too, or even take her for a nice long walk?” I felt the pounding of my heart as the words left my lips. “Yes, please. If I could get a few minutes with Jack and Malachy, then we shall all have tea later.”
“What if I call you before bringing Zelda home, how would that suit you?” Mrs. T asked. She and I noticed at the same instant how tightly Jack’s left hand clenched one of the kitchen chairs.
The dread in my face was mirrored by the concern that Mrs. T’s eyes turned toward me. Zelda was delighted at going outside again. Somehow, she had missed the tension that Mrs. T and I had felt.
“Yes, yes please,” I mumbled and nodded as Mrs. Trelawney and our vivacious little girl left the kitchen for their unplanned afternoon garden excursion. We all knew that whatever this was, this secret, had to be concealed from Zelda until we could plan appropriately. Zelda had to be shielded for as long as possible.
Before Zelda walked out the door, she turned, smiled at Jack, and said sweetly, “Daddy, I love you.”
An eerie, horrible silence pervaded the room until we heard the front door securely close behind Mrs. T and Zelda. Jack staggered two steps, pulled a chair from under the farm table, and pushed it toward me. Shock. Jack was in shock. My heart was pounding at such a rate, I felt as if it would rip itself from my chest.
“What? What is it, Jack?” I pleaded with him. Malachy’s head tilted back against the doorway and he closed his eyes. He sighed, a soft, low breath heavy with pain. Jack echoed the sigh and looked vacantly at his own feet, then at his hands.
By this time, Jack’s hands were shaking. He reached for me. One hand on my face as the other arm reached around my waist. Tears, sorrow-filled drops, formed in his deep, black eyes and one lone, watery orb rolled down his perfect face. I felt nauseated. The waves began, questioning at first. What is this? Then the realization that I knew this kind of pain. This type of suffering of the soul that only hit the unplanned and unprepared. His eyes searched mine, as if looking for a way to transmit his thoughts…some way to communicate the words without actually saying them.
Slow. Then fast.
Moments expand into an eternity, then explode.
Movements become surreal and exaggerated.
Upside. Down.
Topsy. Turvy.
Falling.
The. Abyss. Abandonment. Unfathomable. Unyielding.
“Liz, I have lung cancer.”
The way Jack emoted those five words told me all I needed to know. In the split second it took for him to utter the unimaginable, those words, I felt the pain skewer my neurons. Not even a poet could bring empathy to those words. This time, the words did not have two meanings. No symbolism, no beauty. No rhyme, no reason. Every fiber of my being took on the horror, the incomprehension of his implication.
No. I whispered. NO. My fists were caught in his large hands. Noooooo. The sound of my own whispered scream was deafening. The muffled sob that followed was even louder.
“Why? Why now? You are only fifty-two years old!” Frozen, as if in a dream, I held Jack so close and Jack’s body surrounded me as if attempting to give a safe haven from the pain, which was attacking us from all sides. Our tears fell as one pain united us. Our happiness shattered into shards of hurt and dread for what was to come. As well as for what would never be.
The back door quietly creaked as Malachy left us, his muffled cries making the pain even greater because his pain affected us all.
Jack brought happiness to so many. Why Jack? Why now? Why us?
Somewhere, in the distance, I heard a dog bark and, within our house, the grandfather clock in the foyer chimed as if to confirm our time together was running out.
Chapter 18
Don’t I Love Him?
(Liz skypes with Dr. Marlowe Henry in Atlanta, her lifelong friend and Zelda's godmother.)
LIZ: Yeah, I'm freaked.
MARLOWE: Chill out Liz, you're destroying yourself.
LIZ: Don't know how much more I can take, Marlowe. I was that close to booking a plane ticket back to The States. There’s so much pressure, so much pain.
MARLOWE: You can't do that, and you know you won’t do that, Liz. You are not that kind of girl.
LIZ: Can't I? Why can't I?
MARLOWE: No. Absolutely no way would you really leave him. I know you.
LIZ: Oh my God, what am I saying? You're right. I'd never have done it.
MARLOWE: Course you wouldn't. You love him. This is it, Liz. Life with a capital L. You have been through a lot, much more than most. You know I'm here for you anytime it gets to be too much. All you have to do is talk to me, Liz, communicate.
LIZ: I had it all Marlowe (begins to cry softly)
MARLOWE: You still do, still do.
LIZ: It's real hard, too hard. I love him too much. Now he's dying on me. He is suffering and there is nothing I can do. Nothing. Nothing but watch him die. It takes everything I have just to get up out of bed. I can’t watch him suffer. He is in so much pain.
MARLOWE: Making Jack comfortable is the most important thing right now, Liz. You’re strong, you may be from Georgia, girlfriend, but you’re as strong as Tennessee Hickory.
LIZ: I don’t
feel strong. I feel so alone.
MARLOWE: You've got Zelda and your folks and me. You are surrounded with positive people.
LIZ: It goes back to when I lost Charles, doesn’t it? All those feelings of loss and abandonment.
MARLOWE: Don't beat yourself up because you are having human emotions. Yes, the pain always comes back from past experiences. Jack needs you. You're his wife. You’re the Lady from Atlanta. You two have the love of a lifetime. It’s legendary.
LIZ: I know, I know. But I don't know if I'm strong enough.
MARLOWE: None of us are. But we do it, y'know? We gnaw through it, do it for the people we love.
LIZ: I know you're right. And I will. I will.
MARLOWE: Good. Positivity is the key!
LIZ: Jeez, Marlowe, he so pisses me off sometimes!
MARLOWE: Tell me about it! It’s the ongoing man/woman dilemma, isn’t it?
LIZ: Marlowe, he taped a frigging TV interview and some radio thing with the BBC. He looked so weak. I couldn't watch it. I hate the way the press is always sticking its nose into our lives. Jack said he had to do it. Said there were things he had to say to people. What people? I asked. People, people, he says. End of story. He won’t talk about it anymore.
MARLOWE: A lot of people love him, Liz. He wants to reach out to everyone and let them know he loves them.
LIZ: What about me? Don't I love him? (weeps)
MARLOWE: Yes. Yes, you love him to …
LIZ: Death? Was that what you were going to say?
MARLOWE: Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
LIZ: Let’s talk about something else. Do you remember when we got wasted at that Sigma Chi keg party?
MARLOWE: Yeah, do I. Well, maybe I really don’t remember everything. I remember what we wore and how much fun we had. I remember dancing on the bar at Toad’s when we left the party and went to the Rock Block. Then I blacked out until the next morning. We were somewhere. Some of your friends had let us sleep on their couches. You lost your shoes that night, didn’t you? Haha!
LIZ: Yes, I did! I can’t believe you remember that, of all things!
MARLOWE: Remember the Dorm Mother waiting for us in our room when we came in the next morning? Boy, now that was a surprise. Speaking of shoes and a surprise, remember when Jack called me to have ALL your shoes—all two hundred and thirty-two pairs—shipped to his farm? Now, that was when I knew that this man was IN LOVE with you. If he knew you well enough to know that when you have your shoes, you are going to stay, I knew that this relationship was for real. Like I’ve always told you, where your soles are is where your soul dwells. I was surprised at how much work it took to have that many shoes shipped internationally and you were surprised at Jack’s thoughtfulness.
LIZ: Yes, it was a surprise! He really does love me, doesn’t he? Thanks, Marlowe. You're a true friend. No wonder you are such a successful doctor. You really understand people. I am fortunate to have such a great friend. You have always been the best friend anyone could ask for.
MARLOWE: And Liz, you have the best shoe closet in the United Kingdom, I would say. Emmmm Liz, changing the subject, what are Jack’s doctors telling him?
LIZ: He still won't see any more docs. Spider's sister lives with us now. She's a cancer nurse. She knows what she's doing and what's coming. He trusts her. She's worked in hospices. Strange thing is, he's still got some strength. He can still work his sheep a little. I sometimes think he loves those damned sheep more than me. Marlowe, I really think he is a little crazy. A real honest to God, Mad English Poet.
MARLOWE: That's more like it. Now you’re talking. Really, whether you will ever admit it or not, he is what you always wanted. You know that, in your heart, don’t you?
LIZ: You're right; no woman's ever had more from a man than I've had from Jack. I've had the best years of my life here, Marlowe. Ten bloody happy years, as the Brits would say.
MARLOWE: And Zelda.
LIZ: Yes, Zelda. Our beautiful angel. Boy, she’s a pistol. Sometimes I worry that she is even more creative and imaginative than Jack is. Thank you, Marlowe. Thank you. You always know how to make everything right.
MARLOWE: You'd do the same for me.
LIZ: Jack still drives me crazy sometimes. Is that normal?
MARLOWE: It's why we love 'em, right?
LIZ: Yeah.
MARLOWE: He is a poet.
LIZ: Don't I know it.
MARLOWE: A very brilliant poet.
LIZ: That's what I keep telling him.
MARLOWE: He’s lucky to be with someone who loves him so much, through sickness and health. You are taking your wedding vows seriously.
LIZ: Thank you, Marlowe. Oh, before we sign off, guess what he's done now?
MARLOWE: What?
LIZ: Adopted some homeless guy. This raggedy guy shows up at The Nook. Even Spider didn’t see him--missed him completely. I mean nobody, but nobody, gets past Spider. The press have no chance. We so owe Spider. Why are you laughing?
MARLOWE: Can't help it. Spider Webb. Every time I hear that nickname, I laugh.
LIZ: Marlowe, I'm serious!
MARLOWE: Yes, I know. Go on, even though you know I’m going to laugh.
LIZ: It's like the guy's got wings, says Spider. It's like he's just there, on our property.
MARLOWE: Who is he?
LIZ: Some Romanian immigrant. Just says he's a poor poet. I don’t know what to say. Jack feeds him. They guy's been holed up in one of our barns for over a week.
MARLOWE: That bother you?
LIZ: Nope, you know me. I just wish Jack wouldn't exhaust himself walking up to that barn, is all. I want him with me, where I can keep an eye on him. The barn's on a hill at the end of our land, on Barrow Hill.
MARLOWE: Strange name for a hill. Barrow, like wheelbarrow or a native American burial hill?
LIZ: Hey, this is England, Marlowe; everything's different here. Who would know why it’s named that? Cel Cioara is the guy's name, The Raven or something weird. Looks like a character from a Bogart movie, if you ask me. But Jack likes him and says he's like some European-type Cherokee. I mean, like, hello Jack? He has such an imagination!
MARLOWE: That he does.
LIZ: Even Spider's totally freaked; never seen him so jittery. Jack? Calm as calm. Actually, he's the calmest of us all. He and Zelda. She's just like him. I sometimes feel like the outsider here.
MARLOWE: You belong, girlfriend. Emotions run high when someone you love is terminally ill.
LIZ: Thanks, Marlowe. When are we going to have a glass of wine together again? Maybe do some shoe shopping?
MARLOWE: We will, Liz. I promise.
LIZ: Hey, got to go. Jack's coming down the hallway. I hear him. Love you much!
(With that, the conversation ends and Jack enters the library. He is weak but walking with a cane, a walking stick Malachy cut from a broken limb of one of the trees on the farm.)
JACK: Who was that?
LIZ: Marlowe. She says I'm to take you over my knee and spank you for acting up.
JACK: That would be a fine thing, now wouldn’t it? (coughs)
Will you come into the library?
LIZ: Sure. What is it?
JACK: Everything's sorted, Liz. My will is correct now. Everything goes to you and Zelda. I've looked after Spider and Malachy. Mrs. T would rather die than take a penny from me. But I've given her enough single malt whisky to make even her smile. The tax is all nailed down. You're a very rich woman, Liz.
LIZ: Don't say that, Jack.
JACK: Sorry. There are letters for all of you. I don't want them to be opened until after. I’ve left Zelda a group of recordings, as well. She will need her father’s advice as she grows older. And, I always want her to remember my voice. Malachy is to deal with all my papers. He knows what I want him to do.
LIZ: Do you mean you want him to publish the collection you were talking about?
JACK: Do you mind?
LIZ: No, I'm fine with that. You trust him. I trust him. He knows
more about your writing than I ever will.
JACK: Don't say it like that, Liz. I sometimes think you're jealous. It's all just words.
LIZ: They are your life and soul. I know what they mean to you.
JACK: None of them mean anything to me, compared to you. (kisses the top of her head) You are my life, Liz. Look at me. You are my life, Liz. I've loved you since The Shard. Don’t look away; it’s okay if you cry. I love you now. And I will love you until my last breath. And then I will love you in a new way.
Trust me, Liz. I will never leave you, never. I have never been happier in my life than in the last few years. I wish we had another thirty because I would not change a thing. I hate it that you will be alone. I hate it that I won't see Zelda grow up more. But I have known her and been a dad to her. Of all the things I've created in my life, creating her with you has been the best thing I've done. With you, Liz. You are the one. We are both in Zelda, we are. And when I am no more, I will still be in her with you. She is our love, Liz. Everything we are breathes in her. Look after her for me, Liz, love. Make sure she is all right, always.
Look at me. I love you. I have always loved you. I will never stop loving you. My love will never die. It will be with you, in you, around you, protecting you forever. It will merely be in another form.
LIZ: Oh, Jack, I do love you. You're the sweetest man in the world.
JACK: I'm sorry about the BBC thing. The TV and radio thing.
LIZ: I was just worried you were too tired for it.
JACK: You were right, I was. But, oh well.
LIZ: I know, sweetheart. I understand why you did it now. You were thanking all those people who have read and loved your beautiful verses.
JACK: Yes. I've been lucky. I received the best of my verses and just passed them on for others to see if they meant anything to them. I was fortunate that they did. We were sort of in it together. I never met most of them. But I know them and they know me. By reading me, they sort of allowed me to read them. Words have eyes, Liz. Oh, one more thing, if you don’t mind.
LIZ: Now what?
JACK: Will you deal with some more letters for me, please? I can't keep up, never could, really. But now it's worse.
September Ends Page 15