"You okay?"
"Sure," I answered quietly to avoid waking Scarlett. He looked over at her sleeping form and frowned.
"You can stay here as long as you need. My parents know you're here and they won't bother you," he said.
"You don't have to do this."
"I know, but you guys are my family. Scarlett, Ryder, Logan, and now you. I can't stand to see every single one of you hurting like this. I care about you," he said gently, placing his hand on my stomach. I nodded at him. "I got to get to work. You go back to sleep."
Caleb grabbed some clothes from his dresser and quietly slipped out of the room. When the house went quiet again, my mind ran at a full sprint. I watched Scarlett sleep next to me and realized she was going through this with me. This was her brother and best friend tangled in this tragedy with me. I dragged her down with me, along with Caleb. I was in a head-first spiraling decent.
"Why didn't you tell me?" she asked me. I jolted, unaware she was awake.
"I didn't want to talk about it," I answered.
"I know, but I could have been there for you."
Days went by the same way. Scarlett barely leaving my side except for a couple trips to the apartment to get clothes and other necessities. I didn't need anything since I never left the bed. I laid limp or tossing and turning, battling the wars in my head and heart. Questions bombarded me at any given second, and I felt the sanity slowly slipping away from me. I missed Ryder. Deeply. I mourned the loss of him. And of Carter.
Ryder never came for me. Late at night, when I would wake up in tears, I prayed he would come barreling through the door to sweep me out of another man's bed. I hoped he would come for me, and then I would hope I could smack him and scream at him for making me feel like this. I stared at the door, willing it to open.
It never opened and he never came. After every heartache of not seeing his face came a crushing wave of guilt. I hated that I missed him and cared for the people who were responsible for the accident. How could I love Carter and also love those who took him away from me? Scarlett and Caleb never mentioned their names during the days I stayed locked away.
The pity I ran away from and resented eventually took up residence in their eyes as well. Scarlett threw out suggestion after suggestion to get me to leave the confines of Caleb's bedroom. Caleb came and went, carrying on with his life in the real world. No one mentioned my car or brought up plans to pick it up from Ryder.
When I watched the fifth or sixth sunrise, Caleb left the room like usual. My legs suddenly grew restless and cramped. I swung my legs out from under the covers and let my feet touch the carpet. I stretched and my muscles protested at the use after prolonged rest. I slowly stood and walked to his window.
I drew up the blinds and looked out to the field below. The yellows and greens mixed on the ground below and I could almost smell the grass outside. The big red barn sat in the distance. I remembered walking to the barn with Ryder, full of nerves and worry, only to leave feeling lighter and more alive.
"Wake up," I demanded as I shook Scarlett's shoulder. She sat upright, looking around with wide eyes.
"What? What's wrong?" she asked, panicked.
"Nothing. Come on. I want to do something," I insisted, pulling her up and out of the bed.
I didn't bother to let either of us dress. I tiptoed down the stairs in my cotton shorts and large tee shirt. Scarlett followed in her flannel pants and a tank top. She was smart enough to grab her phone and both of our shoes. We slipped down the stairs and Scarlett led us out the back door in the kitchen.
Once outside, I took off in a run to the barn. I heard Scarlett's bare feet thudding behind me as she followed closely without questions. I panted for air as I reached the barn doors and released the latch to open them. Scarlett, finally catching on, went to the ATVs parked along the back door. She tossed my shoes at me and worked to open the back doors.
I sat on the smallest one and slipped my shoes on. I stared at the handlebars and tried to remember the quick lesson Ryder gave me. I remembered the way his hands brushed mine and the fluttering I felt inside when he did.
I started the engine and then heard Scarlett crank hers, shooting me a huge grin. I watched her feet as she kicked it into gear. I mimicked her moves and felt the bike jolt forward the slightest bit. I flicked the gas throttle and slowly let out the clutch, feeling the wheels move under me.
Scarlett drove forward slowly while waiting for me to follow. When I let go of the clutch and gave it gas, I caught up. I pulled in the clutch and used my foot to shift up another gear. Scarlett smiled and picked up speed across the field. I shifted a few more times before we reached the tree line to the forest.
Scarlett maneuvered to the path and I followed her. We dodged the puddles and swamps the boys would usually ride through. I stalled a few times and she would wait for me to start back up before we would get moving again. The sound of the motors whined and echoed in the early morning quiet. Without needing to tell her, Scarlett led us to the one spot I knew we should be.
We both shut down our bikes and walked to the bridge. We sat in the middle and hung our legs over the river like Ryder and I had done weeks before. I looked up at the sky and watched the clouds roll by.
"My boyfriend died," I admitted to her. She grabbed my hand and squeezed. "He was in a car accident. We were going home for the summer break. He was heading home the day after I did because he had an interview in the morning. He never made it home," I said with a tight voice.
"I'm so sorry, Kallie," Scarlett said, putting an arm around me to pull me closer to her.
"He was my first love. My first everything. We were supposed to get married and take over the world together."
We sat in silence as tears leaked down my face and onto her shoulder.
"Kallie, you are strong, smart, and beautiful. You can get through this. You didn't need to keep it all inside."
I snorted. "Right. You don't know my family. I have to be perfect. I have an image to uphold. I can't mope around and be depressed. I needed to get up, move on, and follow the plan set out for me."
"Well, obviously you don't.” She shrugged when I looked at her in confusion. "You left. You got away and got time for yourself. To heal. Did you heal?"
I shrugged. I didn't know. Right now, thinking about Carter still opened a hole in my chest I couldn't seem to fill, but when I think of the last few weeks, I see a girl that became someone new, someone stronger and willing to go on with life.
"Do you feel better now that you have someone to blame?" she asked timidly. I leaned forward to look at her face. Her eyes were watered over and I saw the conflict. This was her brother, more precisely her twin, and her best friend we were talking about. People she loved and would think nothing but the world of.
"No," I answered honestly. "It doesn't change anything. It doesn't hurt less. It's almost harder when you mix the hurt with blame and anger."
"It all makes sense now. They both were acting so weird. Punishing themselves."
"You should go see them," I told her. "I'm not asking you to take sides."
She nodded and we held on to each other. I thought of how lucky I was to run into her. Scarlett was the complete opposite of me, yet we fit together. She was an amazing friend, and I could honestly say that without her, I probably wouldn't be the girl sitting on these tracks right now. When the clouds grew darker and the dampness of rain was in the air, we finally rode back to the barn.
My car was sitting in the driveway when we approached the house. My heart sank to my stomach. I didn't know if that meant that Ryder had been here, or if he’d sent someone to drop it off, refusing to see me. Scarlett hugged me and got in her car to go see the boys. I quietly slipped back up the stairs to hide in Caleb's bedroom.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Ryder
Flames and sparks splattered as I threw the empty bottle into the fire pit. Logan tossed his in as well and grabbed another from the cooler sitting between us. I shook my he
ad when he handed me one. I couldn't fill my stomach anymore. We were sitting around the smallest fire we ever had on his property, basking in self-pity and hatred.
I sighed and leaned back in the plastic lounge chair. Logan popped open his bottle and took a long swig. Same routine as the last few nights. Sitting and wallowing. A pair of headlights approached us, coming down the driveway.
"Dammit," Logan cursed. "How many people do we have to tell to go the fuck away?" He stood, ready for another argument with another friend who was upset we weren't having a bonfire.
When the car got closer, I heard him sigh in defeat and slump back down in his car. This was the moment we had both been dreading all week. Scarlett slammed her car in park and stalked over to us. She stood in front of us with her hands on her hips.
"What?" I barked at her.
"What is this, a pity party?" she asked. We both just nodded. "Can I join?"
She took a seat on the cooler in between us after she grabbed a beer out for herself. She popped the top and tossed it into the small fire. We both watched her out of the corner of our eyes, waiting for the lecture, for the ranting and the blame. She did none of that. She sat with us, looking as sad and defeated as we both felt.
"What are you doing here?" Logan finally asked my sister.
"I'm sorry. I should have been here sooner. Are you guys okay?"
We both looked at each other in shock and confusion. She was worried about us? I knew my sister was loving and loyal, almost to a fault, but she always chose the right side. She was sitting with the enemy here.
"How is she?" Logan asked the question I was dying to ask, but never could.
"She will be okay," she said. She looked at me and I could tell she was trying to tell me something, and for the first time in forever, I couldn't tell what. "Why didn't you guys tell me?"
I winced at the hurt in her voice. "Not something we like talking about," I mumbled. Maybe if we didn't hide it, didn't try to run from it, then maybe it all wouldn't have blown up the way it did. "Did you know?" I asked her, knowing she could finish my thought.
"No. I thought she was going through a breakup," she said, putting her face in her hands.
"She hates me," I sighed. Raindrops fell on my skin, but I welcomed the cold and wetness.
"I don't think she does."
"Fuck. How could she not? I hate me. I should have never asked Logan to take me home that night," I yelled as I stood and paced around the fire.
"Dude. I could have said no. I was the one driving," Logan argued for the hundredth time since that night.
"You wouldn't have had to say shit if I didn't get wasted, again, and wanted a ride," I countered. "I should have stayed away from her like you told me to."
"I will tell you exactly what I told Kallie," she said standing to face me. "I said to stay away because I figured you two would do the exact opposite."
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I growled at her. "I hurt her all over again. You should have seen her, Scar. She fell apart. I did that to her." The memory of her little body crumbling flashed in my mind and my stomach rolled. I may never be able to rid my mind of the sound of her screams.
"She's stronger than you give her credit for, than she gives herself credit for," she said as she tossed her bottle into the flames.
Another set of headlights stopped our conversation and we all watched the approaching truck. In the headlights, I could see the rain coming down in sheets, but none of us seemed to feel it. The lights went dark as Caleb got out of the truck. He pulled his hood up over his head as he came up to the fire.
"Hey," he said, looking around at the three us sitting, miserable.
"You girls can stay at the apartment," I told Scarlett, ignoring Caleb. I hated thinking of Kallie sleeping in his bed. His promise to keep his hands off her meant nothing to me, and seeing him now made my blood boil. "I'll stay with Logan."
"How long do you think she's even gonna stay?" Logan asked.
"She's not here?" Caleb asked in a panic.
"What?" Scarlett said, standing quickly. "No. Why?"
"She's not at the house. I thought she would be here. Her car is gone."
Without another thought, I was in my truck and turning the key. I ignored the calls behind me. I peeled out of the driveway, gravel spraying from under my tires. I spun the truck around and turned onto the road, sliding when the tires touched the slick pavement. From habit, I took the back roads into town toward the apartment.
For days, I was waiting for Kallie to get up and head home. I stayed at Logan's, sulking and waiting to hear she was finally gone. I dropped off her car and walked away from the house, fighting the urge to run up the stairs and take her away from there. Now, thinking she was actually going home, a part of me snapped. I had too much to say to her. I wasn't ready to face the fact that I will never see her again.
I pulled into the parking lot and slammed the truck into park. I didn't bother to turn it off or shut my door before I raced up the steps, taking two at a time. The door flung open and slammed against the wall as I burst through. The place smelled stale and was dark. The living room lost the smell of lotion and girly hair products that it usually had. It was a smell I hated at first, but then grew to think of as normal, like home. The furniture was tossed and everything still sat shattered on the floor, just as I left it.
I turned on every light and checked every room twice. Kallie was no where to be found. Panic grew inside me when I realized she left, without her things, without saying goodbye. Her phone, turned off as usual, was still on the counter charging. Her pile of clothes had been rummaged through, but it could have been Scarlett.
I ran back down the stairs and jumped back in my truck. I slammed my fists on the steering wheel and pulled at my hair in frustration. I just had to find her, but I couldn't exactly explain why. I just knew she couldn't leave like this. I sped out of the parking lot and started the drive on the road that I avoided since that night.
My palms started to sweat and my heart was beating so hard, I could feel it in my throat. I haven't driven this route since the accident until yesterday. I couldn't see the spot that we killed a man. I couldn't stand to be reminded of what we took from the world, so I avoided it. Logan made the mistake just a few times. He barely came back from it each time.
I turned the windshield wipers up to full speed, trying see clearly. I reluctantly slowed while I took the curve, knowing first hand how dangerous it could be. When my headlights landed on the parked car on the side of the road, I finally took a breath. I pulled up behind the car I used to see everyday and put the truck in park.
Kallie sat at the base of the tree, much like the other day when we found her with the brother. Her hair was wet and sticking to her face. Her lips were moving and her hand ran down the side of the tree. I sat frozen with my hand on the door handle, watching her. Drops ran down her face and I couldn't tell if it was rain or tears.
A flash of lightening lit up the sky and she tilted her head up to the clouds. The sound of thunder rolled and rumbled. Her lips were still moving, but all I could hear was the rain beating down on the hood of the cab. When she rested her head on the tree and I saw her body shaking, I moved into action. She didn't even hear the sound of my door closing.
I knelt down beside her, unsure if I should touch her and what to say to get her out of the storm brewing. I knew she knew I was there, but she didn't acknowledge me. She picked up a framed photo of a group of soccer players and ran her fingers over the surface. My heart clenched at the loving gesture.
She laid it down where she picked up from and played with the charms on her bracelet. I saw the glint from the hose clamp she took from the shop. She unclasped the silver chain from her wrist and gently placed it with the photos and flowers at the roots. She stood and walked to the road, falling to her hands and knees. She rubbed her hands on the asphalt of the road and my chest tightened.
I grabbed her bracelet from the wet ground, shoved it into my pocket, an
d slowly came up behind her. She was running her small hands on the road, feeling the slickness and warmth soaked up from the sun. The rain pounded down on us while steam rose up from the grass and road, settling in a fog around us. I choked on the guilt inside me for making her feel like this.
Another flash of lightening made her flinch. Broken from her daze, she looked up at me. The blue in her eyes was the only color I could see around me. The world was an eerie black and white scene, except for her eyes on me. She studied me and examined me. I watched her debate and rearrange her thoughts. When she slowly stood, I braced myself for the backlash I was about to receive.
"You shouldn't be out here," I told her as the wind picked up and blew her wet hair around her face. "Let's get out of this." She ignored me and slowly walked to me. The rumble of thunder vibrated around us.
Her hands touched my face and I was startled by the contact. She held both sides of my face and looked at me with confusion and hurt. "Why didn't you tell me?"
Anger mixed with hate boiled inside, and I pulled away from her. "Me? Why didn't you tell me? I begged you to tell me what was going on with you, why you were hiding, and you refused to open up to me. You should've told me your boyfriend just died," I shouted over the wind and rain.
She glared back at me. Good, she should be angry with me. She should be. "Open up to you? You don't think I opened up to you? I did!"
"You could have told me your boyfriend died! Is that why you were here? To find someone to blame?"
"Blame?" she shouted back at me. "You think that helps at all? That it makes me feel any better? It doesn't! Nothing has changed," she yelled.
"Then why were you here?" I asked, coming close to her so I wouldn't need to shout.
"For you." Another crack of thunder broke my eye contact. I grabbed her by the arm and dragged her to the truck. I ignored her words; they didn't matter.
Jolted (Conflicted Encounters #1) Page 21