"No," we both said at the same time. I tried not to smile at her wrapped in Logan's arms still.
I didn't want to leave this moment right now. I knew tomorrow would be a new day, with new obstacles and questions. Tonight, with the wind and rain threatening us, Ryder was here to keep me safe. Tomorrow, the sun would come up and light up the mess we made. Emotions would be leveled and heads would be clear.
Would I be angry? Would I hate them for what they did? Would Ryder hate himself more? Or would I still miss Ryder?
What I did know was that when I thought of getting in my car and driving back to my parent's house, my throat closed up. I found something here I never had before. Could I take what I learned and found here back with me? Or would I feel empty and hallow again?
Ryder pulled me back and squeezed me against him. I could feel him vibrating inside and he rested his forehead on my shoulder. I turned and tilted my chin up to look into his dark eyes. They were full of guilt and sorrow, and I ached to rid him of it. I pulled his face slowly to mine and pressed my lips to his.
I felt his breath rush across my lips when I broke away from the kiss and rested my head on his chest. He held me as he laid down on the floor, pulling me with him. He continued to hold me and rub circles into my lower back while I let silent tears slowly run down my cheeks and dampen his shirt. My eyelids were too heavy to keep open anymore and I started to drift away again. My heart started to crack, feeling as though this was the last time he would ever hold me. I wasn't sure if I was capable of handling that.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Kallie
My neck was sore and my head hurt when I started to stir in the morning. My throat was raw, and I felt cold and damp all over. I forced my eyes open and stared up into Ryder's face. He was watching me with an expression I've never seen on him before. His eyes looked pained, but filled with tenderness at the same time.
I laid there silently, partly from the surprise of his expression, but mostly because I didn't know what to say to him. I was relieved to see he even stayed with me through the night. Several times I tossed and turned, expecting him to sneak away from me and to wake up alone. I spun the bracelet I made around my wrist.
"Morning," he finally said with a rough voice.
"Morning," I replied as I sat up and smoothed down my hair. "Well, that was luxurious."
He let out a short laugh. "I know. I think every one of my bones hurt," he complained, wincing.
I looked around him and saw the basement was empty. "What time is it?"
"Early. Probably six or seven," he told me. "Did you have to work?"
"No, I have the week off," I told him, looking down at my hands. When I called Minnie to call off one morning, sobbing uncontrollably into the phone, she insisted that I take off all the time I needed. I didn't even have to tell her what was wrong. She just told me to stay home and she was there when I needed, or wanted, to come back.
"You didn't quit?" he asked, sounding surprised.
"No. I never really planned on leaving, Ryder,"
"But, now everything has changed," he whispered solemnly.
"Yeah," I admitted.
"I wish you would have told me," he glared at me.
"Me too," I shrugged. "But I didn't want to. We can't go back now. We don't get do-overs."
"No shit."
"I meant what I said last night. I was worried that this morning I wouldn't, but I do. It hurt thinking I lost you, Ryder. It really hurt," I choked, tears coming to my eyes. "I know this is crazy and messed up, but I don't want to be without you."
Instantly, Ryder grabbed me and pulled me into his hard chest. I let out a shaky breath and inhaled his scent. It was comforting, safe, and all around Ryder. His strong arms encircled me and kept me from falling apart.
"I'm sorry," he whispered into my hair.
"Me too. I missed you. I wouldn't take back what we had. Never." I felt his muscles tense under me. I pulled away and looked into his eyes. He searched my face with trepidation, like he was waiting for the final blow. "What he had, what we have, still happened. It was real and it mattered to me. I don't think I can give that up."
"We don't get do-overs," he said, almost to himself.
I stood, unable to contain myself any longer. "Ryder, you made me realize it was okay to feel again. You made me realize it was okay, and I would, I could, love again."
"I killed the one you loved," he hissed.
"No. He died. You were there, but I can't make myself blame you, or hate you. I laid there at Caleb's, at night for hours, trying to make myself hate you for your part. And Logan. I tried to tell myself it was all your fault and find some peace and closure, like Josh wanted." I dropped back to my knees in front of him. My body was drained. "But no matter how hard I tried, I failed. I rarely fail and I try to avoid it all costs, so I'm not trying anymore."
"I can't be your hero, Kallie," he said. "That's not me. I'm not good enough. I can't save you."
"You already have. You made me feel free, special, and most of all like I had a choice in my own life. That I could think and feel how I want to."
"You do have a choice," he told me, like it was obvious.
"I know that now. I got in my car and left home, running away from a life that I thought I was going to have to live. We met for a reason. You made me a different person. I don't want to be anyone else anymore."
He let out a small laugh. "Princess, you didn't change. You just stopped pretending." My heart clenched hearing the nickname I once hated. It sounded so good rolling off his tongue again.
"Maybe. I experienced a lot here. I lived. I did things I've never done before and never thought I could. I thought I would never fall in love again, and I did," I whispered.
His lips crashed to mine. The impact took the air out of my lungs until he let out a sigh, filling them back up. I drank him up, tasting his mouth like it was the first time, when in reality it had only been hours since I had last had his lips on mine. His hands went into my hair and he held it tightly as he pulled me into him. I moaned and dug my fingernails into the back of his neck.
He pulled away abruptly, staring hard into my eyes. "What do we do now?"
"I don't know. I'm throwing all plans out the window."
He kissed me hard again. "Want to go home?"
My stomach flipped and my heart felt lighter hearing the word "home". I nodded quickly and let him pull me to my feet. I groaned with the pain in my back from sleeping on the cold floor. Ryder towered over me, looking at me with confusion and wonder.
"What?" I asked, feeling self-conscious.
"How can you ever forgive me?"
"I already did, Ryder." I put my hand on his chest. "Because without knowing it, you were healing me."
"And you want to stay?" he asked, disbelieving.
"I do," I sighed. "Now, can we please go find a real bed that I can lay in?"
He smiled, but not fully. When we came to the bottom of the steps, shadows cowered at the top, making me jump. Scarlett and Logan tried to retreat and get back up the rest of the steps, tripping over each other. Ryder glared at them while I shook my head and tried not to laugh.
The sun was shining in the windows when we came up into the kitchen. There was no sign of the storm that raged last night. Logan and Scarlett looked down at the floor, embarrassed that they were caught eavesdropping. I went upstairs to change back into my clothes, anxious to leave. When I came back down, Scarlett watched me with concerned eyes.
"We ready?" Ryder asked, sounding irritated.
"Yep. I'll follow you," Scarlett offered. "My car is here. You want me to take you to yours?"
"Um," I stalled. I had no desire to go back to that spot. Now that tree held more memories and pain than it had before.
"I'll take her," Ryder said as he grabbed my hand and led me out the door.
He helped me into the seat like he always had, but his movements were stiff and unnatural. I bit my lip, worried I had a harder road ahead of me t
han I'd thought. After only a few silent minutes, we pulled up behind my car. He shut off the truck and turned to me.
"This is your chance," he said. "You can get in that car and drive home like you should have months ago."
"Is that what you want me to do?" I asked, holding my breath.
"No. I think it's what you should do," he sighed.
"It's not what I want to do," I told him.
He smiled softly and pulled me in for a kiss. My entire body tingled and lit on fire with his touch. His hands gripped at my hips as he pulled me closer and I could feel him letting go. I could feel him letting me back in and opening back up. I pulled away breathless.
"Can we go home?" I asked him.
"Of course," he smiled tenderly and brushed some hair off my forehead.
I got out of truck and walked to my car, looking over at the tree and choking back some tears. I would be okay, I told myself. I climbed behind the wheel and started my car. I had a soft smile as I heard the engine running, feeling like I was reunited with an old friend.
When we made it back to the apartment and opened the door, I stopped immediately. The place was destroyed. Books and candles, that were once on bookshelves, were scattered on the floor. The stools, usually at the breakfast bar, were tuned over and the recliner sat on its side. Broken glass and stuffing from pillows covered the carpeting.
"What happened?" I asked as Scarlett came out of her room like there was no issue.
"Ryder is gonna clean this up. I sure as hell won't be," she glared at her brother.
"You did this?" I asked, looking up at him.
"I thought I would never see you again," he answered simply. My heart warmed thinking he was just as upset I was.
I pushed myself up on my toes and kissed him. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled my legs up to his waist. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he carried me to his bedroom. His room was just as trashed as the rest of the place. He knelt on the bed and laid me down gently. He used his elbows to keep most of his weight off me. I stared up into his eyes, missing the golden flecks that were hidden deep in them.
"I missed you," he whispered before taking my lips.
His kiss was feverish and desperate. I struggled to breath and keep up with his haste. I broke away, gasping for air as his lips moved down my neck, licking and sucking. I moaned when he gently nipped at my collarbone. I heard him growl before he pulled me up roughly and tore my shirt off of me.
His hands ran all over my skin, owning me, memorizing me. When I thought I would explode from the passion of it alone, he slowed to a torturous pace. He slowly kissed his way up from my waist to my neck as I squirmed underneath him. I needed his touch. I needed to feel how he felt.
"Did you mean what you said this morning?" he asked close to my ear.
"Yes." I meant everything I said.
"You fell in love again?"
"Yes."
He kissed me again on the lips and looked down into my eyes. "I love you, Kallie," he said nervously. "I'm never good enough. I ruin everything and I can't live with you hurting again.”
"Please don't," I said, putting my hand over his mouth to shut him up. "You ruined nothing. You may have turned my life upside down, and I will never be the same, but it was worth it and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love you and that is something I will not give up. Giving that up hurts more."
I have never seen emotions flood someone's face like I saw then. Relief, fear, love, anger, and guilt flowed across his features like a waterfall rushing over the edge. I squeezed his shoulders to bring him back to me. He gazed down at me with an intensity that made my stomach flip like it did when I had my first crush. The word "love" in his voice swirled around in my head.
"I will spend forever making it up to you," he promised. "I will do anything and everything to make you happy, Princess."
He came down on me and kissed me gently. My lips moved with his and my heartbeat hammered in my chest. I ran my fingers through his hair, loving the softness between my fingers. His hands felt right on my body. I felt connected and guarded with him leaning over me. His lips went to my neck, trailing down my collarbone, then back up to kiss the spot behind my ear. I squirmed under him, my entire body aching for him.
I needed to feel more of his skin on mine. I needed to have that connection with him. I slid off my pants and pulled his shirt over his head. He growled deep in his chest and my legs trembled in anticipation.
"Off. Now," I whispered and tugged on his waistband.
He stood and complied immediately. He stood at the edge of the bed, unbuttoned his pants, and shoved them off. I held my breath as I waited for him to come back to me. My heart ached, thinking I almost lost him and would never have lips on me again. He held himself over me, teasing me. I was wet and ready to release with the slightest touch.
"Condom," he bit out tightly.
"I'm on the pill. Please," I begged.
"Anything you want, Princess," he smirked as he pushed slowly inside of me. I gasped at the instant satisfaction, and he kissed me to shut me up.
He slowly pulled out before pushing back in. He moved at a torturous pace and my body begged to be put out its misery. I wrapped my legs around his waist to pull him closer. I moaned when he buried himself as deep as he could go. He pulled out even slower and pushed deeply into me again. He watched my face in amazement as I forced myself to stay quiet.
Having him so deeply buried in me with the intense look on his face was pushing me close to the edge, and I closed my eyes. His movements slowed even more, keeping me from falling over completely. I growled in frustration and tried to push my hips closer to his. I needed more. I needed all of him.
"Look at me baby," he demanded. He put his finger under my chin and I opened my eyes to lock them with his. "You're beautiful when you come."
His words pushed me over the cliff. I convulsed and contracted around him. I cried out his name as I dug my fingernails into his back. I forced my eyelids to stay open and focused on his face. The bedroom faded around me and he was all I could see. My body tingled and exploded with sensations. I could feel it in my fingertips and toes. Pleasure shimmered and vibrated through my entire being.
Ryder never broke his paced rhythm as my orgasm ran over me in waves, each one more intense. "I love you, Kallie," he breathed into my ear, earning another explosion from me.
"I love you," I said through the panting and moaning.
A moan rumbled deep from his chest and he laid his forehead on mine, eyes still on mine. He pumped into me gently a few more times before I felt his muscles flex as he shook above me, spilling inside of me. We came together then, no longer worried about the noise. Ryder finally came slowly to a stop and gently pulled out me.
Our heavy breathing filled the room. He rolled over to lay next to me and wove his fingers through mine. I looked down at our hands together. His large and strong hands gently twined with mine, tiny and dainty. They looked right together. His roughness and strength, protecting my gentleness.
"Can we stay like this forever?" he asked with a small laugh.
"I wouldn't object."
"I should really go and fix the house before Scarlett kills me."
"You should. I need a shower," I said, sitting up. "Ryder?" I called just before he got up to leave.
"Yeah?"
"Thank you. For being here. For everything," I said.
He sighed and crawled back up the bed to me. "I would do absolutely anything for you. I hope you know that. I never want to hurt you."
I nodded and he kissed me before he got up and left me in the bedroom. I got up and walked into his bathroom. The room looked untouched by his rampage. I turned on the hot water and stepped under the stream. My legs felt weak under my weight and my arms struggled to rub the shampoo through my hair.
Now alone, I had a billion questions in my head. What happens now? I know I was throwing all caution to the wind and trying to be adventurous after a life of always playing it safe, but
I wasn't completely irresponsible. I knew it was probably not the greatest idea to just move in here. We never really technically dated. And I would need to call home eventually. What would I even say? What would I do about school?
I came out to the bedroom and Ryder was sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting for me with his head in his hands. He looked up at me as I opened the door, wrapped in a towel. His beautiful face was contorted with pain and regret, but laced with love and concern. I knelt before him and ran my fingers over his face, smoothing out the lines. I gently kissed his lips, finally bringing a small smile to them.
"Kallie," he started, grabbing my hand and pulling it to him, "You should have this."
He reached into his back pocket and pulled something out, shoving it into my hand. I felt cool metal landing in my palm and I looked down to see what it was. The silver and gems shined back at me. Years of memories of holidays and birthdays were all clasped onto a simple gold chain.
"How did you get this?" I asked through the tears.
"I picked it up after you left it," he explained, tilting my head up to look at him. "You don't need to leave this behind. You don't have to give it all up."
"Thank you," I said, wrapping my arms around his neck.
"I'm so sorry, baby," he said into my wet hair.
"I know," I replied and squeezed his hand. "And we'll be okay. You hear me? This sucks, but it's something we can work through together. It bonds us and will make us stronger."
He huffed and shook his head, staring at me with wonder. "I have no idea how I managed to earn your forgiveness and love, but being the selfish bastard I am, I'm gonna take it. Deserving or not."
"Ry, I have no idea why you feel like you don't deserve anything less than the best. I guess I'll need to change your mind," I said, winking and making him laugh.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Ryder
I stood, leaning up against the door frame, watching the girls. They had no idea I was standing here yet, and I was fine with that. They would be so embarrassed when they found out. I was trying so hard to keep from laughing.
Jolted (Conflicted Encounters #1) Page 23