Ruin

by C. J. Scott

  I rolled my eyes. What a drama queen.

  Ben thanked her and I left before he could discover me. I raced back outside to Jane and slipped on my gloves. "He's staying," I said.

  She gasped. "Fantastic!"

  "Yeah." My heart filled and tears stung my eyes. I don't know why I was so emotional. It was dumb, considering it changed nothing between Ben and me.

  He came out a moment later and stood on the top step. He leaned against the porch post, arms and ankles crossed. "I'm staying."

  "Great," Jane said. "For how long?"

  "A couple of weeks maybe. Your Gran will let me know when she wants me to leave."

  "Wonderful," she said. "Isn't it, Kate?"

  "Yes. I'm really pleased for you, Ben. It's not a proper job, but it is a roof over your head." I don't know why I said it. His lack of a job didn't bother me. Maybe it bothered him. Maybe that was the whole reason he felt like he wasn't good enough—he had neither a job nor qualifications.

  Why the hell didn't he have a job? He was smart, good with his hands and easy to get along with. He definitely wasn't lazy either. Jobs might be hard to come by, but even something menial was better than nothing, and it was a foot in the door.

  He watched me from beneath lowered lashes, frowning. "I'm grateful to you both for putting my case forward. Thanks. I mean it. I'll cook you both dinner to prove it." He pushed off from the post. "I better get back to that mold before it grows legs and starts spreading."

  Jane screwed up her nose. "It's pretty bad."

  I took off my gloves and stood. "I'll go home and get more clothes and something for dinner."

  "You're staying too?" Jane asked, straightening.

  "I thought you'd be okay with it."

  "Oh, I am." She glanced at Ben. He hadn't left like he'd said. "But your parents will be disappointed. Kate, you need to spend time with them. You're their only child—"

  "Stop it. Stop making me feel guilty. It's bad enough that I get it from them, I don't need it from you too." I stormed off inside and ignored her when she called after me.

  Ben, however, caught up to me. He grabbed my arm and jerked me to a stop, forcing me to look at him. He wasn't angry, but his eyes had shuttered, like they had this morning. I couldn't tell what he was thinking. Couldn't see through to the real Ben, the one who'd opened up my heart last night and made himself comfortable there.

  "Kate, I don't want you to stay here." He spoke in a rush, the words falling over themselves to get out, as if he knew he needed to say it quickly or he never would.

  My heart tripped. "Why not?"

  "Having you near...it's too distracting. I need to work hard, prove that I can be..." He shook his head and let me go.

  "Prove to who?" I snapped. "Mrs. M and Jane are already satisfied with what you've done so far. She wouldn't have asked you to stay if she didn't think you would work hard." I threw up my hands, frustrated beyond belief at this stubborn, secretive man. "So who are you proving something to, Ben?"

  "Myself."

  I rocked back on my heels and blinked at him. He wasn't looking at me, but down at his feet. He shifted his weight, pressed his lips together.

  "Please, just stay away." He strode off toward the stairs and took two at a time going up.

  He was gone before my breath returned.

  I stared after him for a long time, trying to sift through the data I'd been given. That's what we did at college. We gathered information and sifted it all out, categorizing and cataloguing. It was harder now, my brain being as mushy as it was, but I think I got the answer. Or at least part of it.

  His rejection wasn't about me. It was about him. Whatever was troubling him, he needed to get over it on his own. I was probably a distraction. I needed to stay away and give him space and time, and hope like hell that he could sort himself out while he worked on the Merriweather house.

  Well damn. It sucked, but in a weird way, my explanation lessened the hurt.

  I headed for the stairs to pack my things but spotted Mrs. M in the drawing room. She was struggling to haul herself out of the chair, so I went in.

  "Take my hand," I said, offering it.

  She hesitated then took it. "Thank you, Kathryn Bell."

  "Why do you always use my surname when you address me?"

  She looked at me levelly. "You are a Bell, aren't you?"

  "Well, yeah, but it doesn't define me."

  "Doesn't it?"

  "Of course not. I'm my own person."

  She leaned heavily on my arm as I steered her around the coffee table. "You are a Bell, Kathryn, as much as your father is. You can't escape that no more than I can escape being a Forsythe."

  "Not a Merriweather?"

  "I was a Forsythe first, and I'll always be a Forsythe in my heart. But there's quite a bit of Merriweather now too. I have been one longer, I suppose."

  It was the most she'd ever spoken to me. It was almost nice, normal. Still, I expected her to tell me off sooner or later. Turned out it was sooner.

  "There's a gap in your photos," I said.

  "Pardon?"

  I pointed at the sideboard where the collection of framed photos clustered together. Except now there was a space between them. "It was the photo of the two boys with fishing rods, I think. Peter and his friend."

  She merely grunted and pulled away from me. She walked the rest of the way to the door slowly, setting her cane down very deliberately with each step. "You ought to mind your own business. Meddlers get themselves into trouble." She sighed. "I suppose you can't help it, being a Bell."

  ***

  I said goodbye to Jane but not Ben. I couldn't face him. It wasn't goodbye anyway. I would come back to the house, just not for a few days. He needed space.

  But it was damned hard. I didn't leave home for an entire day, and I almost lost my mind.

  Mom took time off from her busy housework schedule to go shopping with me the following day in Riverside. She bought me some sensible flat shoes, a book on true crimes of the twentieth century, and a dress. It was pretty with tiny red flowers printed on white with capped sleeves and a sweetheart neckline. Very nineteen-fifties and so not me. I didn't have the heart to refuse it nor could I afford to. My budget for new clothes was miniscule.

  We ate dinner at six and talked about nothing in particular. It was nice, but dull. Time dragged. I couldn't even make it go faster by getting drunk since Mom and Dad were teetotalers.

  There wasn't a single alcoholic drink in the house.

  On my third day of not seeing Ben, I rummaged through the garage and found my old inline skates. I tried them on, planning to go for a nice long rollerblade, but I fell and twisted my ankle. Mom made me sit inside with ice on it for the rest of the day.

  On the fourth day, I convinced Mom my ankle was okay and went for a long walk. She didn't want to come with me, but insisted I stick to the open paths if I was going to be on my own. She also insisted I take my cell phone but not headphones.

  "You can't hear anyone coming behind you with those things," she said.

  Dad, who had the day off, agreed. He flipped the corner of his newspaper down and said, "So many young women get into trouble that way. Not around here of course." That was one good thing about Winter.

  I walked along the river, heading in the direction away from the Merriweather house. It turned out that walking was a bad idea. It gave me too much time to think, and of course I thought about Ben. I was good though. I only cried twice.

  Jane dropped in to see me on day five. "You okay?" she asked.

  "Of course. Don't worry about me. What about Ben?" I wanted to ask her if she'd learned anything more about him, or if he'd mentioned me, but I didn't. It would have only come out sounding pathetic.

  "He's good. He's cleaned the mold out of all the bathrooms. He'll work on the leaks next. There's supposed to be a storm tomorrow, so I showed him where the worst of them are in the hope he can patch them up before it rains."

  "Should he be working on the
roof without safety equipment?"

  She bit her lip. "I don't know. I'd better check with him."

  "Do not let him go on that roof without some sort of harness."

  "I won't." She suddenly grinned. "He's been wonderful, Kate. It's been a long time since Mom and Dad died, but now I remember what it was like having a man around the house. It just makes you feel safer."

  "You don't think of him like a father, do you?"

  "No!" She laughed. "More like a big brother. I've always wanted one."

  I sighed and looked through the open door to the kitchen where Mom worked. "Yeah. Me too."

  We sat silently for a few minutes, both of us lost in our own thoughts, until Jane spoke.

  "Hey, Beth should be back soon."

  "I can't wait to see her. I wonder how her vacation went." We talked about our friends some more before she had to go.

  The next day, I went into town in the morning. I had a coffee at the Winter Warmer then headed into the hardware store.

  Mr. Barrett greeted me with a big smile. He was a bear of a man with a gruff manner of speaking. That's if he spoke at all. "Don't see you in here all that often, Kate."

  "No," I said.

  He nodded and turned back to the magazine open in front of him. I guess most people who came in knew what they wanted and where to find it. I coughed to get his attention.

  He looked up again.

  "Mr. Barrett, what sort of safety equipment would a person need to work on a roof?"

  He hefted his big frame upright. "Seems everyone wants to work on the roof today."

  "Pardon?"

  He pointed to a partition near the back of the store where plastic bags hung off hooks. Ben stared back at me from the other side.

  Chapter 6

  It took me a moment for my brain to start working again. When it did, I wandered over to him.

  "Hi," Ben said. I'd thought he wouldn't be as handsome as I remembered, but I was wrong.

  He was still hot. Still had those bright, all-seeing eyes that could tunnel right into me.

  "Hi," I said back.

  We stood in awkward silence. I wished I could think of something to say, but my tongue felt twisted in my mouth. I was too aware of Mr. Barrett watching us and of the blush creeping up my throat, giving away my thoughts.

  "You need a harness too?" Ben finally asked.

  "Um, it's for you actually. Jane told me you were doing some work on the roof, and I didn't want you going up there without some sort of safety thing on."

  He said nothing. Just stared at me like I was some sort of freak. It made me feel even more awkward.

  "You're serious," he said flatly.

  "Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?"

  "Jane told me last night that I needed a harness before she'd let me go up. Was...was that your idea?"

  "Yes."

  He blinked slowly then looked at the harnesses hanging in bags on hooks. "Thanks," he said quietly.

  He didn't move, just kept looking at the harnesses. I tried to see his eyes, but his lashes were lowered and his head bowed. He cleared his throat twice.

  "Are you going to take one?" I asked.

  He picked one off its hook and read the instructions on the bag.

  "Did Jane give you enough cash for it?"

  He nodded. "Do you think she can afford it?"

  I sighed. "I don't know, but the roof needs fixing before the storm, and you're not going up there without one of those on." I shrugged. "I'll get Mom to pack some food for the next week or so. That'll help them out a bit."

  "You don't have to do that. You've done enough already."

  I frowned. "I've done nothing! I'd be a terrible friend if I didn't do something to help her out. Besides, I'm not doing it, Mom is. I'm a terrible cook, so I'm not even going to offer to make something."

  He smiled. "You're a great friend to Jane. And me. Thanks."

  I bit my lip. Friend. Great. I was his friend, nothing more. Not even a one night stand. I liked it better when he thought I was perfect.

  We stood in awkward silence again. He should have taken the harness up to Mr. Barrett at the counter, but he didn't. I wondered what he was waiting for, or maybe he was waiting for me to do something. I should leave. Should say goodbye in a cheerful voice. I felt anything but cheerful. I felt hollow inside.

  Tell me you want me. Tell me you need to spend the night with me again.

  "I should go," was all he said. "Before the storm comes." His gaze finally lifted to mine and I was shocked by what I saw in his eyes. He looked...haunted.

  I started shaking. I hugged my arms and tried to give him a reassuring smile, but I couldn't.

  He walked off toward the counter and handed Mr. Barrett the harness bag. He paid then waved at me. I nodded back and watched him leave.

  "Kate," Mr. Barrett said. "You okay?"

  I nodded. "Yeah. Thanks. I better go."

  "Say hi to your mom and dad for me."

  I left the store and walked home. Dark clouds gathered in the south, a smudge in the sky.

  The sun still shone over Winter, however, and I lifted my face to it.

  I wouldn't cry. Not this time. It took several deep breaths before I had my heart under control and could be sure my tears wouldn't spill.

  Well. It would seem I wasn't over him. It was laughable that I thought a few days away would be enough. I'd never felt like this with anyone else. Never felt such soreness in my heart, and happiness too. Never been so eager to see someone again and to take his hurts away. Never wanted someone else's arms around me as much as I wanted Ben's. Never believed in love at first sight.

  Guess I'd been wrong.

  I walked home and interrupted Mom's vacuuming. "Doing anything today?"

  "Vacuuming," she said with a well-duh look on her face.

  "I mean after that."

  "There's a storm coming. It's best to stay inside. I'll check on the Goodmans beforehand, make sure they have everything they need." Mr. and Mrs. Goodman were our elderly neighbors.

  Nice people but difficult to talk to because they were both deaf as posts. "We could play a game of Monopoly when I get back if you like."

  Monopoly? Really? "That's okay. I think I'll visit Jane."

  She inspected the vacuum head and pulled out a clump of fluff that hadn't been sucked up.

  "Visit Jane or visit her lodger?"

  "Does it matter?"

  She sighed. "Honey, you hardly know him. Nobody knows anything about him. Your father said—"

  "I don't care what Dad said!"

  "Your father said that this Ben character is hiding something. I don't think you should associate with him until we know what it is."

  "And how are you going to find out what he's hiding? Interrogate him? How about you put him on the rack? You could probably find one in town, this place is ancient enough."

  She sighed again. "Kate, don't be like that. We're just worried about you."

  "I don't want you to worry about me."

  "Then just stay home."

  "Home is boring."

  The front door opened and Dad walked in dressed in uniform. Great. Good timing. Now I had to contend with both of them. He took one look at me and Mom then said, "What's wrong?"

  "Kate's going to the Merriweather house to see that boy."

  "He's not a boy!" I shouted. "And I'm also going to visit Jane. She is my friend, remember."

  "I've just spoken to Bob Barrett," Dad said, dropping his keys on the hall table. He hadn't raised his voice, hadn't spoken in any tone other than his normal, casual one. "He told me he saw you talking to Ben Parker in his store."

  "So? Last time I checked, there was no law in talking to guys in hardware stores."

  Dad's fingers stilled on the hall table. His lips turned bloodless, a sign his patience was wearing thin. Well, damn it, so was mine. "Bob said you two looked...like a couple," he said.

  I threw my hands in the air. "What is this, the Inquisition? Fine. I'll tell you w
hat you want to know. I slept with Ben. There. Happy now?"

  Mom gasped. Dad just glared at me. I'd expected to see disappointment in his face, but there was only a flash of anger. Dad rarely became angry. I waited for him to say something, but it was like waiting for a volcano to explode. You never knew when it would happen or how bad the damage would be. The wait was excruciating.

  His nostrils flared. He thrust his hands on his hips. "He made me a promise," he said through clenched jaw.

  "He promised not to hurt me, and he didn't. In fact, I was the one who came on to him. So what do you think of that?"

  "Don't be ridiculous."

  "You think it's ridiculous that a girl can come on to a guy?"

  "I don't think you could do that."

  It took me a moment to recover. I wasn't sure how to take it at first. Should I be relieved or worried? "Dad, I'm not the good girl you think I am."

  "Did he talk you into it?"

  Mom gasped. "Or did he...?"

  "No! For fuck's sake," I muttered.

  Mom gasped again and Dad said, "Mind your language around your mother. We'll have none of that talk in this house. If you were younger, I'd wash your mouth out with soap."

  "Well I'm not younger," I spat. Rage boiled inside me. I'd had enough. Enough accusations.

  Enough living up to their ideal of me. It wasn't fair on me and it certainly wasn't fair on Ben. "I'm twenty-one. I shouldn't even be here! I should be having a vacation with friends on the beach. I was invited, you know, but stupid me said I had to go home to Winter and my parents. And this is the thanks I get! Lectures and accusations. Ben is a good guy. He made a promise to you that he wouldn't hurt me, and he kept that promise."

  "Not as far as I'm concerned," Dad growled.

  I shook my head. Mystifying. They were stuck in this backwater, and the world had moved on around them. They didn't get it and no amount of shouting would make them. "Then that's your problem. I'm going to visit him, and you can't stop me."

  "Go to your room!" Dad pointed toward my door. "And stay there until you've thought about your behavior and are ready to apologize."