As she stood, her gaze traveled over his flat stomach and the smooth muscles under his damp tee. “So, naturally, you left me.”
“Normal doesn’t work for me.”
How many times had she heard that excuse? It appeared to be his favorite, which made it her least. “You say that often enough for it to be your motto.”
“The way I was raised...” He broke off and shook his head. “Look, things can work for a little while but that’s it.”
There it was. The blanket statement that ended it all. The sentiment would have been sweetly misguided if it hadn’t driven them apart. He believed. It amounted to nonsense talk, but in his head he viewed it as truth.
Shame that on this one issue he ignored the reality that life could be better than what he was handed. “How do you know?”
His eyes narrowed. “What?”
“How many long-term relationships have you had?” She steeled her body for the verbal blow. She had a theory and put it out there, hoping she’d turn out to be right.
“We should talk about something else.” He started to pivot.
“I’ll narrow it down for you.” She spoke louder and put a hand on his arm to hold him there. “Did you ever live with a woman?”
He blinked a few times. “Just you, and that was informal.”
The relief crashing over her nearly knocked her down. “Ever date one woman for more than three months in a row?”
He didn’t hesitate. “You.”
The last of the tension whooshed out of her. Even though she seemed to be the only one fighting for them, at least he refrained from using her weakness for him against her. “Then you have no idea what you could or couldn’t do long term.”
“I didn’t go to school until I was eleven.” He folded his hand over hers where it lay against her arm.
“Do you think that’s a test for something?” The rain cast dampness over everything and had her shivering, but his touch sent warmth spiraling through her.
“Yes, for everything.”
His palm brought the heat back to her limbs. “All it says to me is your father was a sick man, which I already knew. He grew paranoid and scary and died from a brain tumor. You didn’t hide that from me.”
His hand squeezed hers. “That wasn’t really an option since your father had my information and knew.”
Not a surprise. Her father specialized in collecting information. The more confidential and harder to find, the more he liked hunting it down. He was a specific type of person. The same type as Joel.
“Believe it or not, he didn’t hand me your personnel file,” she said.
This time Joel smiled and life sparked behind those serious eyes. “I bet he tried.”
“Yes.” He’d lectured, done everything but make a pros and cons list about Joel.
Not that her dad would put anything on the con list. He loved Joel like a son and wanted him to be the one for her. Dad had never been subtle on that point.
“Why didn’t you take it?” Joel asked.
That was easy. “I wanted to learn everything about you in the normal way. Date like normal people. Eat together like normal people. Find out about each other like normal people.”
“I remember our first date.” His free hand went to her hair. He slid it forward and weaved his fingers through.
“Italian food. We ate for three hours.”
He wrapped a lock around his forefinger. “I was done in ten minutes, but I moved a few stray pieces around on my plate because I wanted to be with you as long as possible.”
Her heart did a perfect backflip. “When did that stop?”
The sadness moved back into his eyes as his thumb traced her lower lip. “Never.”
“So, you left me for a job.” The words stuck in her chest, but she shoved them out, letting them rip and tear as they went.
“Yes.”
The word hit her like a punch. “And then you left that job for the one you have now.”
She didn’t understand that choice. He had confessed how much he wanted the position at the Defense Intelligence Agency, how he needed to be available to come and go. That the work would be dangerous and the hours impossible. He’d pick up and leave and couldn’t tell her...so they should move on from each other.
The memory of how easy it had been for him to deliver the horrible news still haunted her. She’d begged and he’d walked away. Never looked back.
But now she saw a different man. This Joel didn’t celebrate leaving her. When he looked at her he acted as if the need crushed him. She just wished he could see it. She wished he was willing to do something to fix them.
His chest rose and fell on heavy breaths as his fingertips brushed against her cheek. “The DIA job was a mistake.”
Not the answer she expected. Not really the question in her mind either. “Was leaving me a mistake?”
He closed his eyes for the briefest of seconds “Hope, don’t—”
She stopped his words by putting her palms on either side of his face. “Kiss me.”
“No.” There was no heat behind the word.
“Why?”
“I won’t stop.”
She leaned in closer, letting her breath mingle with his. “You will. We’ll kiss and then we’ll get in that bed and sleep.”
“You have more faith in my control than I do.”
He acted like this was easy for her. Like she wasn’t waging a battle to win them back. “You would never touch me without my permission.”
“Of course not.” His hands went to her waist and with a tug her chest pressed against his.
“You don’t have it.” She dropped a small kiss on his chin. “You would have to earn it.”
“You’re killing me.” His face went into her hair, and his mouth nuzzled her ear.
The brush of air across her skin sent a tremor racing down her spine. The shiver brought with it an ache. A need to be near him. “That pretty face of yours isn’t enough for me to drop my common sense.”
He chuckled. “Good to know.”
“But you could—”
“Kiss you.”
He didn’t ask for permission a second time or for an order from her. He dipped his head and his lips touched hers. The kiss slipped from sweet to hot before one second could pass to the next.
Fire rolled over her as her nerve endings sparked to life. Her hands tingled. She wanted to crawl in closer and never let him go.
His mouth passed over hers and a grumble built in the back of his throat. He kissed her hard and deep and kicked life into every fantasy she’d ever had of him, every memory she held as sacred.
When he lifted his head the room continued to spin. Her fingers gripped his back, and her pulse thumped in her ears.
With a groan, he leaned his forehead against hers. “You think we can stop cold after a few more of those?”
She could barely catch her breath. It rushed out of her in huge shuddering gasps. “We’re going to stop because we need our rest, although I bet you’re going to stay up most of the night keeping watch.”
“You do know me.” He lifted his head and kissed her again, this one short yet determined.
She pulled her head back before either one of them was tempted to deepen it. “Parts.”
He sighed, exhaled, treated her to the whole “you win” vibe males had. “There hasn’t been anyone else.”
Deep down she knew that. He couldn’t look at her the way he did and then run home to someone else. He wasn’t that guy. It wasn’t his style.
Knowing that and knowing the reality of how people worked were two different things. People moved on. They had sex and fell in love. He was worth it and believed to her soul he eventually would believe it, too. He was a catch, whether or not he realized that.
“But there will be. Someone else, I mean.” She whispered the phrase because it hurt to say it louder.
“No.”
The quickness of his comeback had the hope inside her surging again. “I’m wonde
ring if you’ll ever trust me enough to stay.”
He cupped her cheek. “It’s not about trust.”
That’s the part he never got. If he really loved her and trusted her to accept him for who and what he was, he wouldn’t run. He’d stay and fight.
But he didn’t and she could feel him slipping away again.
She covered his hand with hers and stepped back, breaking the connection between them. “Yeah, it is.”
* * *
THE CHAIR WITH its thin cushion turned out to be pretty uncomfortable. The longer Joel sat there, the more his lower back ached. But he didn’t plan to move. Not when the seat gave him the best view of her on the other side of the cabin.
He’d found a small lamp stuck in the corner. With it plugged in across the room from the bed and the shade turned toward the ceiling, it bathed the cabin in a soft light. Most of the small space stayed hidden in shadows, but he could see her face.
Lying there with his arms wrapped around her and that body pressed against his for hours had amounted to slow torture. Hours with her curled up so close. The position, the smell of her hair, it all brought the memories back.
Eighteen months ago she’d handed him the key to her apartment and temptation pulled at him to stay. He’d wanted to grab it and try to make it work. He’d toyed with the idea even though he always promised himself years ago he would never drag another person into his messed up life.
He’d switched jobs and got antsy. He craved the outdoors and didn’t have time for the bar scene. Even now he lived in the third-floor crash pad of the Corcoran Team headquarters instead of taking the time to find his own place.
Committing came hard for him—to a job, to a plan, to a path that got him somewhere other than slinging a gun while hiding in the woods. He didn’t want to settle in and act the way other people did.
His time in the DIA ended when his boss accused him of selling the team out for cash. The man pivoted right off the charge, almost immediately, and Joel didn’t do anything wrong, but the damage was done in Joel’s mind.
He’d spent a lifetime bouncing around from obligation to obligation and hadn’t stayed anywhere for long. His upbringing had taught him to keep ties to a minimum and possessions to almost nothing. He’d tried to break the cycle, but since he didn’t even have a closet to his name, he’d clearly failed.
Still, the Corcoran Team had changed him, given him focus and a place. Connor set down enough rules to promote excellence and consistency but didn’t micromanage. That balance let Joel breathe.
In exchange, he filled any role the team needed. He honed his tech skills to make his work indispensable and spent hours at the shooting range perfecting his game. He refused to disappoint the members who had become closer than family to him.
Then there was Hope. She was everything he wanted. Smart, athletic, driven and fun. She didn’t get caught up in her father’s wealth and wasn’t impressed with fancy cars or the usual trappings. Her one weakness was for big comfy beds stacked with pillows. He smiled at the memory of the bedroom in her town house. A man could fall into it and get lost in the mass of blankets.
Of course, most things about her made him smile. She didn’t pester. She understood the concept of work secrets and didn’t push. Her easy acceptance had almost made it harder on him. He’d kept waiting for the bottom to drop, and the tension built with each day it didn’t. Another sick cycle he couldn’t figure out how to break.
“I can feel you staring at me.” Her sleepy voice floated through the room.
Even in the limited light he could see her eyes remained shut and her body buried in the covers. She claimed the whistle of the wind helped her sleep. Could be, but the humidity hadn’t faded and until it did he’d prefer to sleep without clothing, and that could not happen with her if he hoped to keep his “hands off” promise.
He watched her mouth curve into a smile and tried to cut off whatever was happening in her head to put it there. “You should be asleep.”
She shifted and made a sexy little grumbling sound. “With you.”
“Being even this close to you is killing me.”
Her eyes popped open. “Good.”
Funny how she liked that word, especially when she used it for instances he found to be the exact opposite of good. “Why?”
She lifted herself up on her elbow. “You should suffer.”
The words stung. They didn’t slice through him as they once would have, likely because of her softer delivery this time, but they bit. “Because I hurt you.”
She shook her head, and her hair fell over her shoulder. “Because you still are.”
Debating how far to go, he decided to give her the truth. Man up and take the deep plunge.
He leaned over and balanced his elbows on his knees. “You know I love you, right?”
“Yes.”
Her expression didn’t change, but he thought he saw a hint of satisfaction mirrored in her eyes. This woman... “That was easy.”
After a sigh, she rolled her eyes. Ran through the entire “men are clueless” list of gestures he’d seen before. “Joel Kidd, nothing about you is easy.”
Not really a point he could argue with, so he stuck with rubbing his hands together where they hung between his knees. “Fair enough.”
“Come to bed.” Her gaze roamed over his tee and down his bare legs.
He wore his boxer briefs and was ten seconds away from stripping them off. Which made his answer very easy. “I should ride out the night over here.”
Instead of taking the hint and gathering up the blanket around her again, she threw back the sheet and patted the mattress. “Do it here.”
He should have said no. Insisted they’d pushed their control far enough. He repeated that refrain as he walked across the room and slid in next to her.
The mattress dipped. Before he could think it through, he rolled her to her side and wrapped a hand around her waist. Her back pressed against his chest, and his nose went into her hair. “You feel so good.”
She brushed her hand across the arm banding her waist. “Go to sleep.”
“I have to go out looking for Perry and Mark tomorrow.”
She shifted until her hair hit the pillow and his body hovered over hers. “That’s too dangerous.”
“It’s what I do.”
She lifted a hand and skimmed her fingers over his cheek. “You could wait for the rest of your team to arrive.”
“Mark and Perry might need help and, if so, the clock would be ticking.”
“But you think they’re dead.”
He hesitated, but her clear eyes had him telling the truth. “That’s the worry, yes.”
Thundered cracked in the distance and rain pounded the window. Being out in this would be rough on an experienced camper. He doubted two soft businessmen with little experience were faring all that well. Which left Joel with no choice—he had to get out there at sunup.
“I’m going with you.”
“Not going to happen,” he said in a scratchy voice.
The soft touch of her fingertips against his skin set off a fire inside him. He wanted her, would have been all over her, but he had promised. She’d set down the rules, and he intended to follow them. Even if it killed him, and he was starting to suspect it would.
She lifted her head and treated him to a lingering kiss before dropping back down again. “Then you really better sleep because tomorrow you’ll have a fight on your hands.”
The playful side of her...he loved this part. “Is that a threat?”
She winked and flipped over again, facing away from him. “You’ll find out in a few hours.”
Chapter Seven
The monster thunderstorm moved out, but the rain continued to fall in an annoying drizzle the next morning. The sky turned a hazy gray as the temperature held steady and the humidity rose. Dampness hung on the air and highlighted the smells of the forest. Fresh evergreen and the earthy scent of dirt and grass.
The scene f
elt familiar and, except for feeling sticky in her clothing, comfortable to Hope. She thrived in this environment. She also had packed the right gear. Sitting on the log turned into a makeshift seat, she wore a rain jacket and kept the hood up, ignoring the pings of raindrops against her face.
She would have stayed inside, where it was safer and certainly drier, and waited for the official breakfast hour to begin, but she had to deal with Joel. More like it, she had to deal with him being gone.
“There he is. Finally.” Cam stood over her, staring into the mass of greenery off to the right of the cabins. “He’s headed back in.”
She could hear the relief in Cam’s voice. The same feeling flooded through her. Joel had taken off, without a word to either of them, and headed out to sniper territory. In the world of dumb ideas, that one ranked pretty high up there.
“I should have known he’d skulk off.” She blew out a long breath as the anxiety pinging around in her belly slowed. She stretched her legs out in front of her. “He’s good at that.”
“Not that I know anything about what happened between you two, because I don’t.” Cam sat down next to her and mimicked her position. “But he’s not out in Annapolis partying with other women. I’ve never even see him checking out the ladies or making moves, and he’s had opportunities.”
That grumbly sensation came rushing back. “I bet.”
“I’m just saying he attracts attention now and then, not that I’d ever admit that in front of him because I’m pretty invested in telling him how he lacks game.”
She tried not to smile at that, at all of it. “Sure.”
“At least now I know why he keeps the monk’s existence.”
That part made her beat back a dose of skepticism. Even when they were together she’d see women check him out and look for the chance to make a move. The fit body and hot smile combined with those dark looks and that bit of naughtiness in his eyes. Many women took a second look. He never noticed, that she could tell, but she’d assumed once he was free of their relationship he would. Just one more example of Joel reacting the opposite of how she thought he would.
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