by RJ Jones
I turned to Alex, who appeared resigned to his fate of a Greyhound Bus to Beaumont. “That’s great, Mike. Thanks. Obviously the sooner the better, but we can’t do anything about the timing. Do you have WiFi here? If not, we’ll go to Starbucks down the street. I need to look up some things.”
Mike scribbled on a Post-It. “Here, this is the login and password. I don’t mind you guys hanging around for a few days if you need to. Y’all can sleep in the van until we need to work on it, but I can’t let you stay over the weekend. There’s a Best Western a few blocks north that’s reasonably priced.” I’d heard Texans were the most friendly and Mike seemed bent on helping us out. It was a nice feeling.
We thanked Mike again and Alex and I stayed in the back office while Mike headed into the workshop. It wasn’t an ideal situation, but we couldn’t do anything until Maude was fixed.
Once Alex had logged onto the office Internet, he tapped away on the laptop. “Okay, there’s a bus from San Antonio at 2:00 p.m that will take me through Houston and get me to Beaumont just before eight o’clock tonight. Then I can start work for Jed first thing in the morning. I’ll need to pack my duffel and take a cab to the station within the next hour if I’m going to make it.”
I didn’t say anything, and after Alex closed his laptop, he looked at me with a sad smile. He must’ve sensed my mood, because without a word, he grabbed my hand and led me out the back door to Maude, where he said goodbye in a way that wasn’t meant for public viewing.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
February 6th – 10th
San Antonio
AFTER ALEX left, I felt a little lost and I kicked myself for being such a sap. He’d texted me to say he was at the station, ticket in hand and waiting to board. Thirty minutes later he texted again to say he was on his way to Beaumont via Houston and he was angry at Maude for breaking down. I was angry with her too. She’d become such a huge part of our journey and we’d looked after her with regular maintenance and oil changes. Sure, she was a little dirty, but she ran well. She repaid our loyalty by breaking down and forcing us to separate. And that sucked. When I texted Alex this, he LOL’d and said if she sucked, I wouldn’t have a need for him. I LOL’d back and said I missed him.
We texted a lot that afternoon. Alex didn’t have anything to occupy him on the bus and I had nothing to do except sit in Maude and wait for the day to pass. Occasionally, I’d sit in the office with Alex’s laptop. Mike was very accommodating and said I could use anything I wanted—coffee, tea, anything. I just couldn’t stay in Maude over the weekend because the shop was closed.
Alex called me that night to say he arrived safely in Beaumont, and although he missed me, he was looking forward to working for Jed. He said Jed seemed like a nice guy and was appreciative of the help. I knew we were doing the right thing by not letting Jed down after we had committed to the work, but it didn’t help close the Alex-shaped hole in my heart.
I snuggled down in the back of Maude, buried my head in Alex’s pillow, and let his scent envelop me as sleep came.
I slept fitfully. On more than one occasion, I reached out in the middle of the night, patting the mattress trying to find Alex’s hand to hold. It took me long seconds to remember he wasn’t there anymore. Once, I woke up and thought he’d just gone outside to pee, but when I looked out the side window, he wasn’t there, and I saw only the darkened shapes of cars and barrels.
THE NEXT morning I was woken by my cell ringing. It was still dark and my heart tried to climb into my throat as I thought something had happened. The only people who called at that time of the morning were calling to tell you someone had died.
“Alex?” I said breathily, trying to calm myself and sit up at the same time. “What is it, is something wrong?”
Alex chuckled quietly, but it was a distinct laugh and I sighed with relief. He wouldn’t be laughing if something had happened. “No, dumbass. I just wanted to say good morning before I started work. I miss you.”
I flopped back onto the mattress and covered my eyes with my spare arm. “Who the fuck starts work at this time in the morning? What time is it, anyway?”
“Just after five, and people who work on a ranch do. They’re a little crazy here. I don’t think the rooster is even up yet.” Alex laughed again and it was nice to hear. We hadn’t been apart in so long and I missed him more than I thought I would. “Look, I gotta go. I’ll call you tonight and tell you how my day went. Don’t expect me to be too coherent, though, it sounds like I’m going to be run off my feet. I love you.” Alex hung up before I could reply.
“I love you too,” I whispered before rolling back over and falling into an easier sleep.
I woke later that day, then said good morning to Mike before heading to Starbucks for breakfast with the laptop. I couldn’t go far with no wheels, so after a coffee and muffin, I walked the couple of blocks in search of the Best Western Mike had mentioned the day before.
The prices weren’t too bad and best of all they had a communal laundry and in-room WiFi. I texted Alex and told him staying at a hotel for the weekend wouldn’t the same without him. He didn’t reply but I didn’t expect him to; he’d be too busy playing cowboy on the ranch.
Alex called later that night sounding exhausted. “Oh my God. Now I know what you went through in Montana. Mucking out stalls is hard work. Even my blisters have blisters.”
I laughed, feeling a little smug.
Alex’s voice took on a needy tone. “Don’t laugh. I need you to massage me back to normal. I need you, Josh.”
“Stop complaining, you’ll be fine… in a week. Now tell me what they’ve got you doing.”
“Most of the hands are out with the round-up so I’m staying at the ranch helping the couple of guys left behind to do the general chores. Mucking stalls, oiling the tack, stacking the hay, that sort of thing. I rode an ATV this afternoon and helped fix a fence. Well, sort of. I basically handed the guys the tools they needed and unraveled a length of wire for them. They won’t let me ride a horse because I confessed I’d never done it before and they don’t have time to waste on a rookie.”
“Sounds like you’ve been a big help. Are the people there okay?”
“Oh yeah, everyone has been really welcoming and friendly. I met everybody last night when I arrived.” Alex grumbled incoherently and I heard the rustling of fabric.
“Did you just roll over in bed?”
“Yeah. Fuck, I hurt. Now I know why you were such a crabby bastard. Tomorrow will be easier, I’m told. I’m helping Katy, that’s Jed’s wife, in the kitchen with the meals before going back out to the yard.”
“Go have a hot shower, jerk off, and take some ibuprofen if you can. You’ll feel worse tomorrow when your muscles stiffen up.”
“I don’t have the energy to jerk off,” Alex whined.
“Just think of what you could be doing to me right now if you were here.”
“You’re a cock tease, but I love you anyway.”
I SPENT the weekend watching crappy TV, surfing the Internet, and doing laundry. I wandered around the local area for a while just to get out of the hotel room, but there wasn’t much in this part of town within walking distance. I dabbled on the laptop, creating a few designs using a new paint app I stumbled across during my web browsing, and I made a logo for the travel blog Alex kept. I had a degree in graphic design so it wasn’t long before I immersed myself in the creative bubble that I hadn’t been in since leaving college.
Communicating with Alex was hard. He was so busy that most of the time all I got was a quick I miss you. I’m so fucking tired text. It seemed he had no time, yet I had all the time in the world.
Alex and I were close. We’d always been close, but being on the road together had brought us closer still, and I don’t just mean in the physical sense. Although there was that. I knew Alex loved me as his best friend and I could almost say with certainty that he was in love with me. We hadn’t defined or discussed our relationship yet, and the more time we sp
ent apart, the more I needed the confirmation of what I was to him.
We’d had our usual end-of-day texts with Alex stating how tired he was and that he missed me. I had nothing to report because, well, I hadn’t really done anything except dabble on the laptop. I knew I had to ask the question before my courage abandoned me again.
Things are sometimes hard to say face to face as nerves and emotions can often get in the way of asking for what you want. It was one of the reasons why I hadn’t yet asked him what I meant to him. Rejection always stung, no matter who it came from, and I felt like a coward for sending a text. It should have been a conversation we had in person, but if it wasn’t what he wanted, I didn’t want him to see my disappointment. So, being a yellow-belly, I was going to ask Alex if we were boyfriends or partners or something else via text message. It was a couple of hours after our last exchange and I was sitting cross-legged on the hotel bed as I stared at the phone in my hand and the text I’d drafted. I squared my shoulders, took a deep breath, and pressed Send.
Then instantly regretted it.
I didn’t receive a reply immediately and I remembered Alex had said he was going to have dinner and take a shower, but an hour later I still hadn’t heard from him. I worried myself sick all night. I tried to take comfort in the fact that I would have an answer soon, but when I didn’t hear from him that night, I was scared I’d done the wrong thing. I had gone from being a normal levelheaded guy who just happens to be in love with his best friend to a paranoid idiot in a few hours flat. I worried all night, sent another text message to make sure he got the first one, then sent Julie a text message to see if my phone was working when I didn’t receive a reply from Alex. Julie’s reply was immediate and told me if I was having trouble with my phone I should Pay the bill like a normal person, Jerkoff. P.S. I miss you.
I reassured her that my bill was paid, then made up some story about needing to update the apps before telling her I missed her too. At least my sister made me smile, if only for a few minutes.
I stayed up most of the night watching stupid B movies, unable to sleep. With my stomach in knots, I worried I had pushed Alex into making a decision about us he wasn’t ready for, then I worried that something had happened and he couldn’t contact me. I must’ve fallen asleep, though, because when my cell rang, it woke me up. I looked at the clock on the bedside table. Five a.m.
“You’re a jerk. I can’t believe you sometimes,” Alex said as I put the phone to my ear. He didn’t even give me a chance to say hello.
“Alex? What’s going on?” I was only half-awake as I sat up against the headboard.
“You! I can’t believe you felt you had to ask that stupid question. Geez, Josh. I love you. I’m in love with you. You’re my boyfriend, partner, whatever you want to call it. Haven’t I made that clear to you already?”
I rubbed my eyes, trying to focus in the darkness of the hotel room. “We’ve never discussed it, so I didn’t know.” My voice was strained and I didn’t know if it was caused by the lump in my chest or the fact that I’d only had two hours of broken sleep.
“Me telling you how much I love you every day isn’t enough?” Alex sounded incredulous, and now that he pointed it out to me, I realized what an idiot I was not to notice the small things he did each day. He played with my hair as we watched a movie, brushed his fingers over the skin at the back of my neck as he walked past, then came back and kissed the spot he’d just touched. Holding pinky fingers. The way he held me after making love every night before we fell asleep.
“You’re right, I’m sorry. You show me every day. I guess I just—”
Alex’s voice softened. “I’m sorry, Josh. You’re right. We’ve never discussed it, but I didn’t think we needed to. I thought we were on the same page.” He paused but when he spoke again, his voice was sad and quiet. “Are you telling me you don’t… feel that way about me?”
“God, no. Geez, we suck at communication, don’t we? No. I love you, Alex, and I miss you like nothing else. It sounds corny and a little weird, but… I want to be your boyfriend. I’ve never wanted to be anyone’s boyfriend before but maybe that’s because no one was right for me. We hadn’t talked about it so I had my doubts. I guess I just needed the confirmation of what we were to each other, that’s all. When you didn’t answer my texts last night, I thought… Well, you don’t want to know what I thought.”
“I never saw the texts last night. After I had a shower, I crashed. I didn’t even make it to dinner, I was so exhausted. I’m sorry.” Alex paused. “Josh?”
“Yeah?”
“Will you be my boyfriend?” Alex asked. I could almost see him batting his eyelashes, but I knew he was serious.
“Idiot. Of course I will. I’m sorry I doubted you. I love being with you and I guess this time apart has reaffirmed things I already knew.” I took a deep breath and prepared myself to say something I’d never said out loud before. “Alex? I’m gay.”
Alex laughed a little and all the tension that had flowed over the line disappeared. “Huh. You’d think so after all the times you’ve had my dick in your ass.”
I laughed. “Yeah, I guess so.”
An ominous silence followed.
Alex’s voice quieted. “Shit. I think I was just overheard. The last thing I want is to be outed here. No telling what some of these cowboys will do. They still talk about George Bush, for crying out loud.”
“Who, W?”
“No, George Senior!”
I hated being helpless and miles away from him. What if they found out Alex liked sucking cock? I shuddered. “What can I do?” I asked, trying to keep the desperation from my voice.
“It’ll be fine, I think. If they question me, I’ll just say my girlfriend is kinky.” I heard someone yelling in the distance over the phone, but before I could question Alex, he said, “Shit! I gotta go. I’ll call you again tonight. I love you.”
I worried all day, and after breakfast I tried to immerse myself in creating some more designs. When that didn’t work, I went for a walk and found a park with a lake and some ducks. I bought a sandwich from a local bakery and sat on the edge of the water, soaking up the weak sunlight. I fed the ducks the crusts and tried not to think about Alex. Luckily, he called me just after lunch, saving my sanity.
“Are you okay?” I asked after I thumbed the screen.
“Yeah, I’m fine. If anyone heard me, no one mentioned anything. Apart from a couple of raised eyebrows, it was business as usual. I knew you’d be worried and I’m sorry for hanging up so quickly.”
“I’m glad you’re okay.”
“I can act straight pretty well, I guess. No one thought I was gay in college, not even me.” Alex laughed.
I laughed with him. “Nor me.”
“Things are slowing down here now so I’m finishing early. I’ll call you later. Love you.”
“Love you too.”
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
February 10th
San Antonio, Texas
I CHECKED in with Mike around lunchtime Monday, hoping the part we needed had arrived from California.
“I’ve got some good news for you, Josh.” Mike grinned at me from behind his desk. “The water pump just showed up. We can start on the van later this afternoon and have you on the road tomorrow.”
“Thank God. Thanks, Mike. I’ve gotta call Alex and tell him the good news.”
I walked out of Mike’s shop and down the street, pulling my phone from my pocket. I called Alex and was surprised when he answered. “Hey, I was going to leave a message. I didn’t think you’d answer.”
Alex almost had to yell to hear himself. The noise in the background was deafening, calls and whistles and the stomping of hooves. “It’s lucky I had my phone on vibrate because it’s so noisy here. The cattle just arrived so I’m taking a quick break. I have no idea what I’m doing and it’s too dangerous, so I’m just standing around watching all the guys sort the herd into different pens. It’s quite fascinating to see. They al
l look the same to me. What’s up?”
“The pump came in today. Mike’s working on Maude and I should be out of here tomorrow.”
“That’s great. I should be finished up here tomorrow anyway, as the trucks are due to arrive first thing in the morning to take the cattle to Crockett for the auction. I’ll confirm with Jed when he’s free and let you know when I can leave.” Alex’s voice turned quiet. I suspect he didn’t want to be overheard. “I’ve missed you, Josh.”
I ARRIVED at the ranch a little after three o’clock the following afternoon and Alex was standing on the homestead’s porch, duffel at his feet, talking with someone I assumed was Jed. When he saw me, he picked up his bag, shook the other man’s hand, and sauntered casually down the steps, but the excitement on his features contradicted his easy gait.
I jumped out of the van and raised my arms for a hug. I couldn’t wait to kiss him. Alex’s eyes went wide and he shook his head quickly, telling me there’d be no PDAs here, so I lifted my arms and stretched, hoping it looked natural. It was then I looked around and saw a few of the ranch hands watching us. Some had scowls on their faces, as if they knew what we meant to each other and didn’t approve, others looked on blankly, but there was one guy leaning against a wooden post who looked positively pissed.
I angled my head toward the angry ranch hand. “What’s his problem?”
“God, I’ve missed you,” Alex whispered so he wasn’t overheard. He turned and waved goodbye to the onlookers, an easy smile on his face. They waved in return, even the pissed-off guy, before heading back to their work. “I’ll tell you as soon as we’re on the road. Come on.”
We climbed into Maude and I turned her around, pointing her in the general direction of I-10. Alex spoke as soon as we cleared the ranch gates. “We need to find an RV site and pull over. I need to kiss you.” He undid his seat belt and slid across the bench seat before burying his face in my neck. “I’ve missed you.” His warm breath tickled my skin and my cock filled.