by Ollie Perks
Homebrew: With the increasing numbers of householders brewing their own, homebrew is more accessible to the average drinker. With variations that encompass everything from raspberries and vanilla right through to wood smoke and burning tyres, there’s something for every palate. Ideally should be served from someone else’s garden shed, but may be found in gallon drums ditched by remote rivers. Best served out of a shoe.
Perfume tester bottles: Generally come heavily scented but in very small doses – rewards persistence. Best served as a dessert drink.
Anti-freeze: Served by some of the bitterest ex-partners and mafia bosses, this tipple may not warm the cockles but will stop them icing up. Perfect for those wishing to get blindingly drunk. Best served with homicidal intentions. Or fish.
Meths: “The old original”. As effective as battery acid but less astringent. Best served with nose-peg (clothing peg taken straight from a washing line will work nicely.).
Your own piss: Desperate times can call for desperate measures. If you find other drinks, and cash, every bit as scarce as wine then you could try pissing in a cup and drinking it. It might not be pleasant, but there’s every chance it will have at least a moderate alcohol content. Best served early in the morning for a fuller, richer flavour.
Lambrini: Actually, that’s going a bit far. Forget that one.
And that’s your lot.
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