I whipped off my clothes before pulling on a pair of pyjama shorts and a vest top. I pulled back the duvet and climbed into the cool sheets without taking off my make-up. I knew I’d regret it in the morning, but right then I was beyond caring. I grabbed the spare pillow and hugged it close to my chest, before wrapping myself up in the duvet. I prayed for sleep to take me away.
I tossed and turned all night, only managing to catch short bursts of slumber. Every time a car drove past I stirred, holding my breath, hoping it was Dan coming to tell me he was sorry for the way he over-reacted. Then my heart would sink all over again as the engine noise faded into the distance.
I knew it was ridiculous to feel so strongly about him, I’d known him for such a short space of time. But no matter how many times I tried to console myself with that fact, it didn’t help. I wanted Dan so much, I ached for him.
CHAPTER 14
.
A Mess
.
My phone, lying by the side of my bed, beeped to indicate I had a message. It was a struggle to open my eyes. After tossing and turning most of the night, I must have fallen into a deep sleep in the final hour and my head felt tight and crumpled. I closed my eyes and tried raising my eyebrows to straighten everything out and release the pressure.
I reached over to the bedside table and grabbed the phone, guessing the message would be from Kerry. I’d asked her to let me know as soon as she heard anything from Joe. I had to wait for my eyes to adjust to the light before I could read the screen. My heart thumped when I saw Dan’s name displayed under ‘sender.’ I stared at it for a few moments, before taking a deep breath and pressing ‘view.’
‘Just wanted to let you know everything is OK and we’re out. I still think you’d make a great PSP and if you ever consider doing it, here’s the name of a good guy who would be happy to act as your mentor.”
I quickly scanned past the name and number to the final sentence.
“I hope everything works out for you Gracie, but I think it’s best if we don’t contact each other anymore.”
Tears stung my eyes as I re-read the text. It wasn’t anything I didn’t know, but it sounded so final, and so casual. And as for that first line; how could he say ‘everything is OK?’ Everything was not okay. It was about as far from okay as it could possibly be. One thing I was sure of, I wouldn’t be contacting mentor guy. I hit the delete button, pinging his text into the ether. The only SP I wanted in my life was Dan. If I couldn’t have him, everyone else could take a running jump.
~
After struggling through work on Friday, I spent the weekend in limbo. I had no motivation to do anything, so flopped in the living room, amongst the pile of ironing I should have been tackling and the coffee mugs I was yet to wash. I tried to lose myself in a book or magazine, but instead ended up watching one trashy TV programme after the next. Everything seemed grey and pointless without the reward of seeing Dan at the end of it.
After a particularly boring reality programme about losing weight, I realised I’d gone hours without eating. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t felt hungry. I think they called it the heartbreak diet but it was a novelty to me because I was used to the opposite, my appetite never quite satisfied. I decided I to get off my butt and eat something, or I would suffer later.
I wandered through to the kitchen and flicked on the kettle. As I did, I was reminded of the time he was standing in the same spot, making me a cuppa. I remembered how embarrassed I’d been when he asked me about the sugar; I’d stuttered and stumbled and sounded like a right numpty. It would have been blatantly obvious to him the effect he had on me. Right now, I thought sadly, I would do anything to go back in time to that day and change the course of events.
I opened the fridge door, and sighed at the contents; half a pint of skimmed milk – something I hated but thought I should have in order to lose the pounds, some out of date yogurts, a couple of wrinkly onions – because I was always kidding myself I was going to cook a recipe from scratch, and a bottle of pinot grigio. My emergency chocolate bar was long gone.
Looking in the cupboard wasn’t much help either. The only items I found in there were tins of ravioli and macaroni cheese that Terry donated because he knew I was hard up – he wasn’t to know I didn’t like either, and some pasta sauce, which would have been perfect, if only I’d had some pasta. I made a mental note to go supermarket shopping in the near future or else I’d starve.
My heart lifted when I remembered I had some leftover ice cream in the freezer. I opened the door and using a fish slice, managed to free the cookies and cream tub out of the ice that had frozen round it. Not bothering to put it in a separate bowl, I grabbed a spoon and slammed the drawer behind me.
I wandered back through to the living room and flopped on the sofa, ready to indulge my self pity. I forced my spoon into the extra-frozen ice cream just as the intercom buzzed.
Damn. Why did people only come to visit me when I was in a mess? Maybe it was because I always seemed to be in a mess just lately. All I wanted was five minutes warning so I could at least look presentable and kick a few things under the sofa. Surely that wasn’t too much to ask?
I stood up, stretched and padded over to the intercom.
“Hi, who is it?” I asked, trying to mask my irritation.
“Hello, Gracie, it’s me, Terry.”
“Oh hi, Terry, come on up.”
Terry had to go past the flat on his way to Mum’s and he often popped in to see if I wanted to join them. It was really sweet of him. I imagined most people didn’t want company when they were off to visit their girlfriend.
As it was only him, I decided to stay in my pyjamas, but pulled on a dressing gown so I was semi-decent.
I walked back to the door and let him in.
“Hello love,” he said, planting a kiss on top of my head, “sorry to drop in like this. I was just passing and I really need some advice.”
“No problem,” I said, smiling. It was good to see him.
We walked through to the living room and for someone who was such a tidy freak, he was kind enough not to bat an eyelid at all the mess.
“Can I make you a brew?” I asked, waving my arms in the direction of the kitchen.
“No, you’re okay love, I’m not staying. I’m due round at your mum’s in half an hour.
I swiftly moved a box of tissues, the ice cream tub and a pile of magazines off the sofa so Terry could sit down. I perched on my usual spot when I had visitors, the arm on the other end.
Terry straightened the cushions and then sat down. “Listen, I need your help. Your mum’s birthday is coming up…”
I nodded, grateful for the reminder.
“…and I’d like to spoil her, but I want it to be a surprise. Trouble is I’ve drawn a complete blank. I wondered if you could come up with something.”
I smiled as he spoke. He would never understand how much I appreciated him being there for Mum.
“Hmm, what sort of a surprise were you thinking – a trip or something?”
“Erm, no. It can’t be a trip. I was thinking more of a gift.”
I scratched my head and tried to think of something she would like. As I thought, I caught sight of my toes and noticed the varnish I’d applied the other evening was badly chipped. I tucked them under my feet to hide the evidence.
“I know. How about a locket? She used to have a beautiful one in silver, but my dad pawned it without telling her. She never did get it back, and I know she loved it.”
Terry shook his head and sighed.
“Great husband, eh?” I added.
He frowned and I wondered if Mum had told him the full extent of our past. I got the impression he knew. When he looked at me again, his face had softened.
“You’re a genius. I think it’s a fantastic idea, Gracie. Could I be cheeky and ask you to choose one for me? I’ll give you the money. I’m not very good at shopping.”
“Of course I will. I need to go and buy my own present
, anyway. I just need to think of something of my own first.”
Terry put his hand in his pocket and pulled out some notes. He peeled a few off the top and handed them to me.
“That’s for my present...” he peeled off a couple more and pressed them into my other hand, “...and that’s for your present for your mum.”
I held the money back out to him. “Terry, no don’t be silly. I can afford to pay for my own present.”
He withdrew his hand. “I insist. Call it petrol money, or pocket money, or whatever you like. You’ve really helped me, and I won’t take no for an answer.”
I sighed. “If I argue, will you change your mind?”
He shook his head, shifted position to stand up, but then hesitated.
“I hope you don’t mind me asking love, but is there something wrong? You don’t look too good.”
His concern caught me off guard and I felt my chin start a little tremble.
“I’m fine, honest. I’m just feeling a little under the weather today.”
Terry rested his hand on my arm. “Gracie, you know I’m here for you as well as your mum, don’t you? If I can ever be of any help, all you need to do is ask.”
That did it. I felt hot tears plop onto my cheeks. I smudged them away on the back of my dressing-gown sleeve, while he opened his arms and nodded. I didn’t hesitate throwing myself into them. It felt good to be held.
“That’s it love, have a good cry and you’ll feel better.”
I soaked Terry’s polo shirt with my tears. I imagined this was how it felt to have a proper dad – someone to look out for me, and make me feel safe. Maybe I’d been looking for that in Dan and that’s why it hurt so much when he abandoned me.
After a good five minutes the tears faded and I straightened up, sniffing.
Terry held out the box of tissues. “Do you want to talk about it? I’m a good listener.”
I managed to smile as I shook my head.
“Okay love. If you ever do, you know where I am. Or I can make myself scarce if you want to chat with your mum.”
“No, it’s nothing really,” I said, blowing my nose. “Please don’t tell her about this, she’ll only worry.”
“Okay, but don’t forget what I said.”
After making sure I really was safe to be left on my own, Terry got up and made his way to the front door. He gripped the handle and turned to face me.
“You’re a lovely girl, Gracie. Things will work out just fine for you, you’ll see.”
As he walked out, the door clicked shut behind him. I stood staring at it, wishing I could believe him.
For the rest of Sunday afternoon, I went back to torturing myself about Dan. I didn’t want to think about him, but like an angry spot I couldn’t help picking away, going over and over events in my mind and wondering if I could have held onto him for longer if I’d done things differently. And because I picked away, I allowed it to fester and become more painful.
I couldn’t see how I was supposed to manage without him. It had only been one day and I was already driving myself crazy. I’d always had the feeling something was missing from my life, but I’d put it down to my childhood and not having a proper father figure. Now I realised a father figure wasn’t the only thing I’d been missing.
When I met Dan, after the initial shock of finding out I was a Soul Protector, it felt like the missing piece of a jigsaw had finally come to light. Now he’d left me, I felt lonelier than ever. How strange that you can meet someone only briefly but know they’ve changed your life forever.
Sleep didn’t come easily that night either. When I woke up on the Monday I was experiencing a new feeling towards Dan, anger. He’d completely over-reacted to the situation. Yes, I had been upset over the break-up with Mike, but if he’d been willing to talk further, he would have found out it wasn’t just because of Mike, it was the whole double betrayal issue that floored me. And who escaped their teens and twenties without getting their heart broken at least once? The important thing was, I was over Mike, and I had tried to convey that to Dan. If he didn’t believe me, that was his problem, not mine. That was the spin I was putting on things anyway. The trouble was it didn’t make me feel any better.
CHAPTER 15
.
A Surprise Visitor
.
What got me through the next few weeks was work. I literally threw myself into it, working harder and staying later than ever before. Every day I rushed through reception unable to face the morning chit-chat with Nisha. I practically alienated myself from the rest of my colleagues too. All I wanted was to be left alone to get on with my job. Poor Arthur tried his hardest to cheer me up, but after a couple of weeks of getting nowhere, even he gave me space.
Kerry had been in touch regularly. It was probably getting boring for her, trying to chivvy me on through a rough patch. We had plenty of chats late into the night, either by phone, or whenever she turned up at my flat unexpectedly.
I did my best to convince her there was nothing to forgive, that it wasn’t her fault. Of course it would’ve helped if she’d kept her thoughts to herself, but I knew Dan would’ve found out about Mike eventually, and if he was that hung up on exes, it was only a matter of time before he dumped me anyway.
~
During those dark days Kerry wasn’t my only visitor. I had a surprise visit from Dan’s twin, Tom. He turned up one evening out of the blue.
When the intercom buzzed and I first heard his voice, my heart skipped a beat, but after he said his name I sagged with disappointment.
“Hello there, missus. It’s Tom, Tom Sullivan.”
“Oh, hi, Tom. Erm, do you want to come in?”
“Yeah, cheers, Gracie.”
I opened the door, and heard him running up the stairs. I hoped raising my eyebrows would drag my expression away from disappointment.
He arrived with a big grin on his face looking so much like Dan it hurt.
“I’m not switched, but you could probably tell that by the superior body,” he said winking, and gave me a hug. He made his way into the flat, ducking like Dan had in the very same body.
We walked through to the living room, and I thought back to the time when I’d first realised Dan wasn’t in his own body. I remembered wondering how shallow I was, and if I’d fancy him in a different one. But as Tom sat on the sofa and I perched on the opposite arm, I looked at the face I’d first fallen in love with and realised there was no strong attraction. Don’t get me wrong, I liked Tom, and while I had to admit he was gorgeous-looking and fit, quite simply, he wasn’t Dan. He was extrovert and cocky while Dan was more the strong, steady type.
A tiny bubble of hope formed as I wondered if Dan had sent him. But after the usual small talk, it turned out Tom was on a business visit. The Office had sent him because they were recruiting PSPs and my name was listed as a suitable candidate.
I didn’t waste any time telling him, as I had told Dan before, I was a definite no. I didn’t add that aside from the whole switching and recovering issue scaring me half to death, the thought of reporting into the Office and bumping into Dan from time to time would have been more than I could bear.
Tom didn’t seem too disappointed. He’d shrugged his shoulders, saying, “Okay, but never say never.”
I wondered if that was their motto. Dan had said the same line to me when I’d dismissed the idea before.
Tom handed me the number for the Office, highlighting which department I should contact if I ever changed my mind.
He hadn’t even taken his jacket off, and after it was clear I wasn’t interested in the job, he told me had to be on his way.
He stood up, and I followed him over to the door to say goodbye. I was about to open it and let him out, when he turned and frowned.
“Listen, I’m sorry that you and Dan split up. I was surprised to be honest. I thought you two were smitten with each other.”
I swallowed hard. I’d hoped we would be able to avoid speaking about him.
“What do you mean?”
“I’m talking about being a Soul Protector. When Mum and Dad took us to the Office to get registered, Dan got picked out as a potential PSP. But Dan being Dan turned his back on it, didn’t want to know.”
I thought back to the conversation we’d had in the restaurant, when Dan told me how he’d hated the whole business to start with and just wanted to live a normal life.
“So what made him change his mind?”
“The incident at Uni…”
I pulled a puzzled face.
“He didn’t tell you?”
I shook my head.
Tom leant his arm against the door jamb and his cheerful expression faded. “Dan was at Uni following his original plan to become a pilot. He ended up flat-sharing with two of the other guys on the course, Jerry and Mitch.”
The name Mitch rang a bell. I thought again to our night at the restaurant. Dan had brought his name up but had been unwilling, or unable, to finish the sentence.
“The three of them got a reputation for studying hard and partying hard. I used to go up North and stay with them for the weekend sometimes and it was pretty wild. Mitch was the life and soul of the party, great fun to hang out with, but he had a serious side too. His dad was a pilot and he was on the course to follow in his footsteps. I got the impression pleasing his dad was the only reason he was on the course.
Tom stopped talking and drew in a deep breath.
“Towards the end of the first year, Mitch was struggling to keep up with the coursework. Dan and Jerry tried to help him, but he just laughed it off and said he had to cut down on the partying. He did as well. He stayed in more to catch up on his studies.” Tom’s paused for a moment, and his jaw muscle twitched the way Dan’s did when he was stressed. “To cut a long story short, one night Dan and Jerry came home from a night out and found Mitch hanging from the stairwell.”
“Oh no... Tom, that’s awful,” I said, rubbing my arms as shivers went through me.
Tom was shaking his head. “There was a note nearby. He said he knew he wouldn’t make it as a pilot and was sorry he’d messed everything up.”
Soul Protector (Soul Protector Series) Page 15