Disregarding his initial warnings, I still proceed as I would with any other man who I believed was genuinely interested. I will never forget one day when I was on my way to Los Angeles for a quick getaway to see my daughter. He and I had just spoken while I was driving to the airport. He called, like he often did, and told me that he would be out of the country for several weeks for work and asked what I was up to. I told him I was traveling to Los Angeles. He seemed mildly upset and said, “You’re always going somewhere; stop being so fast.” I took his comments lightly. We laughed and chatted some and then he wished me a safe trip.
Just before taking off, I made my final calls and sent my texts to loved ones to let them know that I loved them and that I was on my way to Los Angeles—a practice I do before every flight, just in case. On this trip, however, I also sent Mr. Alabama a text and for the first time, I said, “I want you to know that I love you. I need you to know this, just in case something happens on this flight.” Then I turned off my phone and endured my four-hour flight. I couldn’t wait to land, not only because I missed my daughter, but I couldn’t wait to turn on my phone and see what he said in return.
When I arrived in Los Angeles, I turned on my phone— and guess what? I had messages, but not one damn response from my knight in shining armor! Not one! I could confirm he received the message because I set my phone up to show when messages have been read (y’all know what I am talking about). I have to be honest, I was a little disappointed. No, I was a lot disappointed. Surely he felt something close to what I felt, right?
Okay, so the next day I was getting dressed to go out when Mr. Alabama called me (mind you, he was out of the country). We are chopping it up like we always do and somehow we get on the topic of love and somewhere in that discussion he says, “Baby girl, it’s not like that for me.” With my self-esteem in pieces and my mouth slightly stuck in the open position (like “Oh, My God”), somehow I muster up some discombobulated conversation, a little laughter, and then told him that I was headed out “to make it do what it do.” We closed out the call cordially and I went out.
Do you see any red flags or confusing messages? Although I had read many relationship books including Steve Harvey’s, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, I fell for someone who clearly stated, in the beginning, that he didn’t want a relationship! He maintained his “single and loving it” position, even though he was very attentive and warm toward me. Yet, I didn’t want to see the signs on the wall. This goes back to Chapter 1, “You Can’t Change Him.” Both people have to have their minds and hearts in the same place to consummate a mutually exclusive relationship.
So much for Mr. Alabama; back to Facebook. Just as I completed my Facebook page, I got a “friend” request from an old college boyfriend from California. I will call him LT. I couldn’t believe my eyes! My bodybuilding cutie pie still looked great! He told me he had “been looking for me for over twenty years.” I was ecstatic. I needed a distraction from the confusion. He asked for my e-mail address and telephone number, and I gave them to him. Later that evening, he called.
Although Mr. Alabama and I continued to talk from time to time, I began talking to and eventually going to see my old college sweetheart. Mr. Alabama seemed a little taken aback when he found out I was talking to someone else. “I didn’t know you were going to start dating so soon,” he said, in a very gentle voice. “You are moving too fast, baby girl.” Excuse me? I wasn’t moving too fast. I was getting over one man with another. It felt nice to be wanted.
LT was dark chocolate, five foot ten, forty-six years old, and funny. His smile was killer. Skin smooth as silk. His body was better than I remembered. When LT and I first began talking, I made it clear that I didn’t pay for trips to see a man. If he wanted to begin seeing me, he would have to make it possible given we lived on two different coasts. LT sent for me several times over the next few months, including a trip to Vegas.
On a visit to Sacramento, my hometown, LT took me down memory lane. He kissed my hand while he drove me to the college where we met. He hugged me in front of the school hall where he used to carry my books to class. He looked in my eyes and reminisced about details that even I had forgotten. He drove me to the home that I had lived in with my Mom—I would have never been able to find that house! When we pulled up, I think I saw tears in his eyes. He drove me by his old apartment where we spent many fun days and nights. In my mind, I hoped I could get over Alabama and engage in the romantic story that was evolving between LT and me. LT suggested that I write about it after the wedding. Yes, I said wedding. He had asked my ring size, told me, “I am never letting you go this time.” Talk about being overwhelmed! For several months, we spent quality time together. He massaged my feet as I watched television. He held me, talked to me, and made me laugh. He was fun and sexy.
LT lived alone in a home he had owned for many years, drove a nice BMW, and he gave me his undivided attention. By week three, LT was saying, “I love you, Rhonda. I always have.” And every text and phone call ended with “I love you.” I told my friends and family about how we became reacquainted and how happy I was to be back in his life. He put it on Facebook for all his friends and family to see. I lived in Georgia and he lived in California, but I was willing to try a long-distance relationship with LT. I had forgotten why we broke up years ago. Although I felt something wasn’t quite right about him, the distance would give me time to examine what I really wanted and needed in a man.
One weekend Alabama called and asked what I was doing. After telling him my plans for the evening, I asked him when he was coming back to Atlanta. He said, “I am headed there now. I’ll be crossing over the state line in about twenty minutes.” Butterflies began floating in my stomach and my hands became sweaty. I then said, “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming to town?” I listened, waiting. Finally, “Baby girl, the way you have been traveling, I just thought you might be on a flight somewhere,” he said. We laughed and talked a bit more. Then he told me that he had to meet a few guys from his military unit and inquired if he could see me later.
Have you ever had that weird feeling in your stomach when you know you are about to do some crazy shit— something that won’t make much sense the next day? “Well, if time permits, before I have to meet my girlfriend,” is what I finally said. My hair wasn’t done, and I had no idea what I would wear. He called about two hours later. The first time, I let the call go to voicemail. The second time I answered. He was at the sports bar where we had watched the college games. He was in my neighborhood!
I told him that I would meet him there, but I wouldn’t stay long because I was meeting my girlfriend. He said, “We could just grab a bite to eat and you can carry on with your plans.” I got dressed and headed out. Driving over there my head was spinning and my heart was skipping a beat. I was excited about seeing Mr. Alabama.
I walked into the bar and our eyes met. He gave me a warm hug and a quick kiss. We sat across from each other. And within seconds he came and sat next to me. He was in a Polo pullover, some jeans, and the perfect loafers. Plus, he was smelling good as usual. We ordered our food and began small talk when my phone began ringing. It was my girlfriend. I didn’t answer. She sent a text: “How long before you get to the spot?” I didn’t respond. She called again and again. I received several other calls. I didn’t answer. If Jesus himself had called, I don’t know if I would have answered! Okay, maybe if Jesus called I would have answered, but it would have been a quick talk!
We finished dinner an hour and a half later. He walked me to my car and we reluctantly said goodbye. I called my girlfriend when I got in the car to ask where she was. She said, “Girl, I’m back home.” I made up some story about why I didn’t get her calls or texts, and apologized. I immediately called Mr. Alabama. He was headed back to his hotel. He asked if I was still going out, I told him unfortunately not because my girlfriend had gone back home. He suggested we meet at a lounge, have a drink, and talk some more. I agreed. We had a great night together,
and then I went home and went to sleep in my own bed.
The next day I noticed I was missing the necklace I had been wearing the night before. I sent a text message and asked him to look for it. I told him what a great time I had and how nice it was to see him. Moments later, I got a text that read, “No necklace found.” That was it! “No necklace found.” I responded, “Thanks. Yes, I made it home safe. Yes, I am okay, and yes, it was good to see you, too.”
Moments later the phone rang. “Sorry doll, I should have made sure you were okay,” he said. I didn’t hear from him again for over two weeks. I sent a text to see how he was doing. No response. A day or so later, I sent another one. No response. WTF? Didn’t he feel all that amazing energy we shared just weeks prior? Eventually, I heard from him. He said he had had a “family emergency.” Yeah, right and I am the tooth fairy!
He started calling again. I began to ignore his calls. After I didn’t answer a few times, he got the message. It was clear that I liked him and I believe he liked me as well, but I also realized that this relationship was at a standstill. It was never going to go to the next level no matter how many sweet talks we shared or baby girls he called me. I took my power back. Today, we still talk on occasions but I hold my ground.
Trying to reconnect, LT and I began to talk on the phone again. We never discussed monogamy per se, but we did talk about a future together. Yet, something had changed. He was still verbally affectionate but still something felt different. Then one Friday night, while I was out with some friends, I received a text message that he had purchased a ticket for me to come to Sacramento. I had mixed feelings about the trip, but I decided to accept his invitation.
That same night while I lay sleeping, I received two calls from an unknown caller, back to back. When I woke up the next morning, I saw the missed calls and listened to the messages. It was a woman who identified herself as “LT’s ex-girlfriend, Linda.” “LT ain’t the man you think he is,” the female voice said. “He’s a liar, a cheater, and he’s been begging me to come back to him for the past month.” As if that were not enough information, in the second message she left her phone number and asked me to please call her. “Listen, I know you know him from college,” she continued, “He’s told me all about you over the past five years. LT is not the same guy you knew in college. Please call me so we can talk. I have e-mails and text messages to prove everything. He has been begging me to come back to him also.” Then she hung up the phone.
I was surprised, shocked, and disgusted all in the same breath. Do single, college sweethearts hunt you down for twenty years, fly you out to see them, take you shopping, drive you down memory lane, say all the right words, massage your feet, tell you they love you and want to marry you, and take you to Vegas only to make their ex-girlfriends jealous enough to want them back? Do they? Yes, they do.
I called Linda back. She talked and I listened. I asked for proof of what she was saying. She forwarded me numerous e-mails and text messages he had sent her over the past few months. Some of them read, “I love you, you are the only woman for me.” “I want to marry you, please call me.” Others were, “No one can ever take your place, I love everything about you.” And, “I miss you so much, please come back.” They were all sent on different dates, at different times, but during the same time he was showering me with so much attention. Now, I was smart enough to know to take everything with a grain of salt because I had been in Linda’s shoes before. I’ve called the other woman to tell her the “truth” so that I could “protect” her from the pain and lies, and all that other stuff. Yet, some of this was indisputable. I was perplexed. What did all this mean?
I wasn’t angry. I was surprised and caught off guard. I had been here before. It was quite familiar. I knew the drama all too well. I knew the break up, the make up, the in-between relationships, the fear of letting go, the fear of someone else getting “my man,” and the ego-based holding on. Yep. Been there, done that. I called LT and shared with him what I had learned. Of course he denied it and called her the infamous “crazy” and said she was just trying to mess things up for him. I have heard that somewhere before, but I digress yet again. When it was all said and done, I told my old college friend that it appears he had some unfinished business with his “ex”-girlfriend. I bid them both good luck and went on about my life. Both Alabama and LT were amazing parts of my journey toward understanding single men and myself.
Lesson Learned from Mr. Alabama
When a single guy says, “I am not looking for a relationship. I like being single,” believe him! Appreciate him for his courage and realness. This type of single guy is a rare commodity. If you choose to continue to date him and it does not materialize into love, even after your sexiness, beauty, long talks, great laughs, wonderful dinners, and love-making, you cannot be mad at him. He was honest. But remember, if he likes you at all, he will continue to partake of the goodies as often as you let him. He will continue to call and hang around as long as the situation works for him. If he doesn’t like you or isn’t attracted to you, you won’t have this problem. He will be long gone after he gets the goodies the first time. Shout out to Mr. Alabama! I love that guy.
Lesson Learned from LT, My College Sweetheart
Even when a single guy lives alone, says and does all the right things, takes you shopping, makes you laugh, kisses your hand while driving, tells everyone in his circle that he found you again, and tells you he loves you and promises to marry you, there are still no guarantees about his faithfulness and who holds his heart. So be patient, be careful, and make sure you get what you want and need out of the situation. Even if the old girlfriend comes back, you can move on, knowing that you gained something— besides another lesson. LT and I remain friends but it was a situation best left in the past. What I learned from all of this was that I needed to slow down.
Remember, single means there is room for you, but sometimes the wall around a man’s heart is too thick to penetrate. We have to ask the same questions about men that they ask about us. Why are you single if you have all these great qualities? Sometimes they are hiding secrets or haven’t told you the whole story. Dating is all fun and games (meaning no real expectations) until you are both committed and married. If you have a man that you like, enjoy what you have with him when you are together and take your time before escalating your feelings and the relationship to the next level. It all must be mutual in order for it to work.
Chapter 4
The Man Looking for Love
This man is a rare commodity. The disturbing thing for the man who wrote the letter that follows is that women have been put through so much foolishness that it’s hard to decipher between the jackass and the man who genuinely wants love. But if I had to show you a letter from a man looking for love, this would be it.
Love Letter to Rhonda
Rhonda, thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with me today. You are a beautiful woman with a wonderful spirit. I’m very happy that you’re comfortable enough with me to share some of your personal thoughts, experiences, and emotions. That means more to me than words could ever express. You’re something very special, Rhonda—a gift. I felt something unique about you when I first saw the flash of your precious smile and the gleam in your eyes. Your pictures portray the warmth and gentleness that is reflected in your letter to me. Meeting you is no accident. I am certain that our meeting was predetermined by a higher power to let us both know that we can find our heart’s desire again, if we are patient. You are the essence of what I want in my life as my friend, lover, and partner. What I feel in my heart toward you is not a crush nor an infatuation. It is a genuine admiration for your style, grace, and personality. Please don’t misunderstand what I’m saying to you. I realize we just met and there is soooo much we have to learn about each other. But, you have my full, undivided attention. I’m very poised, very patient, and understanding. Rhonda, I know an angel with only one wing, with a song in his heart he has yet to sing. He wanders without aim b
etween earth and sky, searching for his soulmate to help him fly. He asked the Lord one lonely night, “With only one wing, Lord, will I ever take flight?” The Lord then answered in his mysterious way, “The wing you are missing will find you one day. I created my angels with only one wing, each one a king in search of his queen. When you see her, then you’ll know why. She too is without aim between earth and sky. Until that time, angel, don’t lose sight. Your missing wing is searching tonight. And when she finds you, then you’ll finally see, that your wings joined together will set you free.” I have been waiting for my missing wing and I may have found her. Seeing and meeting you on this site some time ago, then canceling my membership approximately the same time you did, then coming back within literally days of you rejoining is no accident. I am certain that our meeting was predetermined by a higher power. However, I will reluctantly fade away into the background if you’re not interested in pursuing something serious with me. And I will always wonder, “Are you my other wing?” And what a life with you would have been like. Will I ever know? I hope so.
Very truly yours,
Nathaniel
Rhonda
Wow, what a letter! First and foremost, I discovered through the editing process that the “wing” portion of this lovely letter was from a poem written by RosesAreBlue so we want to ensure they get proper credit for their poetry. I guess we have to start “Google-ing” our love letters now to make sure they are authentic works. Wow! On to the point, there is something to be said about a man who can put a love letter together. But there is more to be said about a woman who can see past the words and get to the heart of the man writing it. I loved Nathaniel’s letter. It was very touching, but something made me question his sincerity. Intuitively, I felt I needed to pay close attention.
Why Do I Have to Think Like a Man? Page 5