Unfortunately, so many wives before, during, and after this book will learn or will have learned that the ring simply means she possesses what is hopefully a very nice piece of jewelry on her finger. So make sure it’s a good cut, with great clarity and size, in the event he strays, falls out of love, or otherwise violates his vows. Let there be enough equity in that bad boy to sell it or pawn it so you can take yourself on a nice post-relationship vacation and fund your divorce party.
I’m not saying meaningful and lasting proposals and marriages don’t exist—I still believe there are some. What I am saying, however, is the ring, in and of itself, signifies nothing. As we have said throughout this book, you need more than a ring, you need the man’s heart. It is also important to know his relationship with God, with himself, and with his mama.
My point is, don’t fall for the illusion that getting that diamond or band means you have won the lottery and that life is set. Look at the women who have come before you, whose stories are all around you, and learn from their experiences. Enjoy your precious moments but remain aware and not caught up in the clouds.
Now back to the question, “Why did I get married?” I got married because I was in love with a capital “L” and I was broken with a capital “B.” Plus, I had two young, beautiful daughters who needed a stable father figure. I had never felt chemistry like I did with my (now ex) husband. It was euphoric, amazing, sexy, and it made me forget about everything that was wrong in my life. I was looking to my husband to save me from my life, from my disconnectedness, and to make me feel loved (not the best reasons).
Roderick was handsome, physically fit, and seemed kind. He was somewhat shy and quiet, but sexy. He was a gentleman. He opened doors for me and treated me like a lady. He seemed genuine. He was in the U.S. Air Force and was stable.
I was a mother of two at the time, and although he had contributed to the birth of a son, while overseas in the military, he lacked the experience of being a dad. Roderick seemed okay with the idea of a “ready made family” for a while, but the days, months, and years ahead would prove otherwise.
We both came from troubled backgrounds. He came from a family of seven sisters, a wonderful, Christian mom, and a hardworking but jealous dad who had physically abused his mother on more than one occasion. I came from a family of five siblings, three brothers and two sisters, and a dysfunctional background too lengthy and disturbing to talk about. I saw my father twice while growing up, and my mom was often emotionally unstable. She married three times, was involved in a few tumultuous relationships, and struggled to find love most of her life. This left an indelible impression on me, which ultimately affected my relationships with men. Though I don’t blame her or hold her accountable, it was the starting point, the place where I developed standards for myself and for those I chose to love.
I married and divorced Roderick twice, and we dated off and on after each divorce. I was too afraid to let him go and be alone. Our marriage contained infidelity, out-of-control rage, and periodic emotional abuse. Unfortunately, when you are broken in spirit; lack a solid foundation of family values and principles; missing a clear example of what a stable marriage should look and feel like; and are unsure how to juggle being a wife, a mother, and a career-oriented woman, you are sure to run into trouble. This is true especially when your husband is just as troubled as you are. I want you to ask yourself a few questions. What is your story? Why did you get married? When you think of your husband or the guy you are dating, how would you answer the following question, “If I were financially stable, emotionally and spiritually sound, in great physical shape, and had a great support system, would I still be with this guy?” If you can honestly say yes, then you are probably in the right situation. If, however, your answer is “Hell to-the-no!!” or a milder version of that, then perhaps you married for the wrong reasons. It’s imperative that you examine where you are, how you got there, and what you’re going to do about it.
The key is to find out why you and your husband married or why you and your significant other are thinking about marriage. If it was or is for superficial reasons like, fear, insecurity, or to be with someone until something better comes along, you may want to re-evaluate your situation. I learned this the hard way.
Chapter 8
Understanding Your
Baggage
The past lives in you as memories, but memories in themselves are not a problem. In fact, it is through memory that we learn from the past and from past mistakes. It is only when memories, that is to say, thoughts about the past, take you over completely that they turn into a burden, turn problematic, and become part of your sense of self. Your personality, which is conditioned by the past, then becomes your prison. Your memories are invested with a sense of self, and your story becomes who you perceive yourself to be. (Tolle, 2008, p. 140)
The perception we have of ourselves is what has the potential to destroy our ability to enter into relationships worthy of our time and commitment. When you first read the title of this chapter, you probably thought, “Baggage?” You might have even thought, “Okay, I have a little debt, a few too many kids, and I could stand to go to the gym to shrink this pouch. Well, that’s surface level baggage. We are going to take it a little deeper and talk about the baggage we carry within us.
Shanae
At the end of my marriage, I knew that I had healing to do. No matter what people say, it takes two people to have a great relationship, and one person to destroy it. When people that we love do things that hurt us over and over again, it is human nature to build up some form of a defense system. Some people will become very angry with the world, some will go through life always playing the victim role. I chose to heal and live a great life, but I knew that I needed to acknowledge that I was wounded and only time and God would allow me to heal properly.
Shortly after Cory and I separated, I recognized that I carried a lot of baggage and pain as residue from our marriage. When I looked in the mirror, all I saw was “little me” who had been picked on, mistreated, and who had an extraordinary hill to climb if I ever wanted to be in a healthy trusting relationship again. There are so many stories that come to mind that I could share with you as an example of things that men do that hurt us and leave permanent scars, but one particular incident, that happened to me really sticks out.
It was a Wednesday night in March, my husband was in Florida, training for his seventh season in the NFL. The kids and I were still in Georgia continuing our daily routine of school, work, and sports. This particular night I had tucked the kids in bed early so I decided to surf the Web for a few minutes before I went to bed. The computer was already logged into Cory’s AOL account so I decided to use it as my browser. As I was surfing the net, I noticed an unfamiliar name in the Buddies Box. I clicked on the name and started an IM (instant messaging) chat. I typed “hi,” and waited for a response. “Your wife must be upstairs, asleep. You already told me good night. What are you still doing up?” was the response I received back. I continued to talk to her as if I were Cory. She proceeded to tell me (Cory) she loved me, she would take care of me, and that she didn’t understand why I kept trying to make it work with my wife. For twenty-five minutes she told me about “our” relationship (my marriage). Then she asked me (Cory), how I felt about her. I told her I had to go. She was pissed. She said I made her expose herself and then didn’t answer the question. So, of course, she’s calling him at the same time I’m calling him. She kept instant messaging me (Cory), telling me to answer the phone.
When he became aware of the situation, Cory caught the next flight home. After I heard his lame-ass story, I sat on the bedroom floor with my laptop and pulled up his phone bill online with him in the room, and pointed out all of their phone calls. Some of which were as long as five hours in one day. Most of them were forty-five minutes, a couple of times a day. Quick tempered, Cory jumped up out of his chair, smashed the laptop with his foot, and threw me around the house for an hour. He said I should have j
ust stopped while I was ahead.
When he got tired, he said he was going back to Florida and left. I called the police and they immediately issued a warrant for his arrest. He turned himself in, and guess who bailed him out? You guessed it; I did. I bailed out the man who had just assaulted me. After he was released, Cory stayed at a friend’s house for a few days and then came home. About a week later, we got into another big argument. This time, I told him to pack his shit and leave. He said he wasn’t going anywhere. Needing to prove to him that I had the upper hand, I went down to the courthouse, filed a restraining order, and came back to the house with seven police officers. They gave him ten minutes to get as much as he could and leave the house. They also made him leave his opener to the entry gate, his garage door opener, and all the keys to the house. Looking back, I could have handled things differently. I could have left. I should have sought help. I am not saying he was right, I am just saying that I added fuel to the fire every chance I got. I wanted Cory to understand that I was going to pay him back for every time he hurt me, every time he lied to me, and every time he made me cry. My ego was in full gear, and I sought revenge. The last two years of our marriage were not sexy. I suffered and my children suffered unnecessarily.
Then one day I realized I was tired of fighting. I realized my ego was not as big as his desire to win, even if it meant losing in the end.
Eckhart Tolle says it so eloquently in A New Earth:
Very unconscious people experience their own ego through its reflection in others. When you realize that what you react to in others is also in you (and sometimes only in you), you begin to become aware of your own ego. At that stage, you may also realize that you were doing to others what you thought others were doing to you. You cease seeing yourself as the victim . . . You are not the ego, so when you become aware of the ego in you, it does not mean you know who you are—it means you know who you are not. But it is through knowing who you are not that the greatest obstacle to truly knowing yourself is removed (p. 189).
It is our job as women to find out what internal baggage we carry. This is important because it is virtually impossible to have a healthy relationship when we are unconsciously seeking drama and chaos. My life has gone from fighting, crying, and arguing every day to peace, quiet, and days full of joy and laughter. I had to re-evaluate myself to find my true sense of tranquility. Obviously, I had to undergo a lot of spiritual uplifting to get to the mental space I’m in now, but there is no other place I would rather be. My entire soul and spirit are now at peace. Sometimes just saying, “I’m tired and I deserve better,” is half the battle. Getting on the right path and finding your way is the other half.
Rhonda
The journey toward identifying our own baggage is sometimes very challenging and scary. Looking in the mirror and evaluating our flaws is something most of us don’t want to do. I certainly didn’t want to see mine. It was far easier to look outside myself and point the finger than to go within. We often seek to blame other people, including men, for the breakdowns, the BS, and the state of our lives, particularly if where we are is not where we want to be. This doesn’t mean the blame isn’t justified toward the other party, it simply means, the blame mirror should be fully extended to show the full view of both parties.
I can remember my husband and the guys I dated making comments like, “You don’t respect me when we are out in clubs. You don’t know how to act,” or “You feed off the attention of other men.” Instead of looking at myself, I dismissed their comments as jealousy and immaturity. At the time, I didn’t care what they said or how my alleged behavior impacted them. I accepted offers to dance while walking back from the restroom, and danced several songs while my date watched me from the bar. I also took telephone numbers on folded napkins when my date was away getting me a drink. I did these things on a regular basis, without considering what these actions meant. They were just a part of who I was. My disrespectful actions led to the demise of several of my relationships. I was only concerned about myself. There were deeper issues underneath.
On the surface I was an attractive and smart woman who had it “going on.” Yet, internally, I didn’t respect myself or men. I was trying to fill an empty well with attention from everyone. With my ego in charge and my emotions disconnected, I created a lot of suffering for myself and others. This was my baggage.
Now, at age forty-five, with my past behind me, I look back over the years and take full responsibility for the life I lived. I recognize my inappropriate actions and the insecurities that led me to select men who were not good for me, despite the red flags. Because I failed to set high standards for myself, I created much of my own pain.
Today, I see things much more clearly. I say, “No thank you,” to men and situations that aren’t good for me. I have rid myself of many of the old thoughts and ways and I make it a point to keep company with positive, fun, and spiritual people. I live a virtually drama-free life most of the time.
When you look in the mirror and ask yourself honest questions while admitting the truth, breakthroughs can occur. Only you can change your situation. Until you decide to change, however, you will repeat the same behaviors, make the same mistakes, and end up in similar situations. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I can relate, and perhaps you can, too.
Chapter 9
Differentiating Needs from Wants
Shanae
For me, I need my man to pull a gold wrapper out his pocket when it’s time to get it in, and a black card out of his wallet when it is time to shop. Okay, let me stop playing.
Since the Word of God says, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him” (Gen. 2:18;KJV), I think it is safe to say that we need a mate in our lives, but picking the right one is the hard part. According to the Marriage Builders web site (www.marriagebuilders.com), the top five emotional needs that should be met in order to maintain a healthy relationship are affection, sexual fulfillment, conversation, recreational companionship, and physical attractiveness. Unfortunately, men and women tend to place a different level of importance on each of these emotional needs. I don’t think conversation is on any man’s top five picks (or twenty-five, for that matter). As women, it is important that we choose our battles with our partners. It is naïve to think he’s going to go to work, come home, help the kids with homework, cook dinner, wash dishes, talk about his day, and then have sex with you (although that is what they expect of us). Unless your man’s name is Baby Face, this is probably not going to happen.
The truth is cooking, cleaning, sewing buttons, and making sure everyone has clean clothes to wear is more important to us than it is to our men. When I was married, I used to crack jokes with my husband and say, “You could care less about how much I spent or if the house is clean, as long as there is enough money in the bank for you to make a withdrawal from the ATM, there’s something to eat on the table, and you get some that night.” He would laugh and say, “Yep.” The only time we had an issue was when I said no to sex. Then everything was a problem. Clearly, if he had to choose between eating and having sex, he would have chosen sex and starved.
Ladies, believe it or not, men are very clear about what they want, whether they deserve it or not. So, it is time we figure out what we want so we can communicate our needs and choose our battles wisely.
If your man is a great provider, does it really matter that he didn’t wake up with the baby? Or that he didn’t fill up your gas tank after he drove your car to work? I read one woman’s story in Jill Eggleston Brett’s article in Today’s Christian Woman that said:
I felt what I did all day was meet other people’s needs. Whether it was caring for my children, working in the ministry, or washing my husband’s clothes, by the end of the day I wanted to be done need-meeting. I wanted my pillow and a magazine. But God prompted me to ask myself: Are the “needs” you meet for your husband, the needs he wants met? If our dau
ghters weren’t perfectly primped, he didn’t complain. If the kitchen floor needed mopping, he didn’t say a word. And if he didn’t have any socks to wear, he simply threw them in the wash himself. Soon I realized that I was saying no to the one thing he asked of me. (p. 68)
Men are very consistent on a universal level. It is time for us to start deciphering between our wants and our needs and stop jumbling them together. If we only asked for the thing we really needed, our men would view it as obtainable and not overwhelming. The problem is, we ask our men for both our wants and our needs and aren’t consistent about either.
Why Do I Have to Think Like a Man? Page 9