There comes a time when we have to ask ourselves, How much time and effort does it take for me to stoke the flames of anger, and how much more of my life will I devote to doing this? Even in the case of serious and significant wrongdoing, forgiveness doesn’t mean that we deny the hurt, forget that it happened, or recuse the offender of responsibility or accountability; it means that we’re not going to allow this person to destroy our potential, to harm us anymore. At its core, forgiveness is a choice to give up our role as a victim.
15
My Apologies, Please
Most of our anger issues stem from our unwillingness to deal—aka face the pain—with either something someone did to us (producing anger), or something we did (producing guilt or shame—which is anger turned inward). Unless we act responsibly now, to “right our wrongs,” we will find a steady leak in our self-esteem.
FORGIVENESS BEGINS AT HOME
Have you ever noticed that when you’re angry with yourself, you’re more prone to bang into things or knock them over? Through such behavior, we unconsciously attempt to get back at ourselves for making a decision that we have remorse over. Guilt, a negative force, weighs us down, causing us to engage in unconsciously motivated self-harm. According to research—and common sense—guilt gives rise to self-destructive tendencies and makes us desire to suffer or be punished.1
We must be able to forgive ourselves for the damage we’ve done to others and to ourselves. Taking responsibility is not about being perfect—it’s what we do when we discover that we have faltered, and how we move forward to make things right after we have done wrong. The ability to forgive ourselves, rather than self-flagellate, increases our accountability—which then leads to regaining our self-control and initiating a course correction.2 Using an MRI, scientists demonstrated the neurobiological basis for why self-compassion helps us self-regulate. When we show warmth and compassion to ourselves, we elicit neuroaffective responses similar to those stimulated by an encouraging, supportive other.3 This then helps us feel loved and supported, making us aware that we deserve better, and it instills in us the will to invest in our long-term care and benefit.4 In addition, the more forgiving you are of your own setbacks—when you let yourself down—the easier it will be for you to forgive others when you feel they let you down.
Guilt (“I have hurt another; I did wrong”) and shame (“I am bad; I am less because of what I did”) are useless unless they create the impetus for action, in which case what we really feel is regret. We can’t “talk away” or rationalize our behavior, but we can transform our negative feelings into positive emotions by turning guilt or shame into regret and regret into action.
First, we must resolve in our hearts never to commit the same act again. If it was a one-time action, then there is nothing more to stop. However, if we still keep engaging in the behavior that we feel bad about, then we must stop it. If we can’t refrain immediately, we must create a plan to stop this behavior over a period of time, and we must stick to the plan. We need to create deterrents for ourselves, to avoid repeating the same transgression. In this way, we make a firm declaration to ourselves and others that we have really changed, and we’re doing what we can to ensure that our new-and-improved self thrives. Finally, we have to right our wrongs as best we can (see subchapter below).
The ego favors suffering that is known, so we retreat to the relative sanctuary of self-inflicted wounds. But the genesis of growth—the key to getting unstuck—begins the moment we look at ourselves, not with condemnation, blame, and judgment, but with love, compassion, and patience. We will come to discover that we are not bad. We are in pain from what has been done to us, and by us. We are hurt and we have caused hurt.
A person who holds on to guilt or shame is not being noble, he is being selfish. Indulging his despair is the height of irresponsibility, well beyond whatever act led to feelings of guilt in the first place. He wraps himself in the comfortable numbness of self-pity—the drug that’s always within reach and never runs out—to avoid facing the pain of himself, his actions, and his life. He declares that he is worthless—so damaged, bad, and broken that he is beyond repair or reproach. This unconsciously motivated, ego-driven tactic cleverly recuses him of responsibility because he doesn’t deserve to be happy. He thereby avoids the pain of accountability and the burden of obligation.
SETTING THINGS STRAIGHT
Forgiving and apologizing both give us a taste of emotional freedom. This is why we typically feel good afterward. We give an apology, and we give forgiveness. Only when we are free can we give, and this single act promotes our independence and builds our emotional immunity. Yet before we attempt to gain forgiveness for ourselves, we must move forward with the utmost delicacy. When we’ve clearly violated the respect, trust, and rights of another, the path to forgiveness lies in restoring balance to the relationship—be it personal or professional. In balance, we find justice, and in justice, we find forgiveness. Follow this six-phase protocol as best you can to do your part in bringing peace to your relationships and yourself.
Phase 1: Humility and Respect
If we enter the situation with anything other than complete humility, we likely won’t receive forgiveness. We must negate our ego. It’s not about us, it’s about the other person. This means we should not argue and scream our point or show up at someone’s office demanding that he listen to our side of the story. Rather, we should ask permission before we speak to him and perhaps even prior to initiating personal contact—via a note or intermediary—if the relationship is severely strained. Approaching the person with extreme deference and even reverence is a requisite for the process. We want to ask for permission before we do anything. We should leave right away if he doesn’t want to talk to us. We can try again another time. (And if we’re there only to be yelled at, that’s fine, too.) In our anger, we often do the opposite of this, and say such things as, “I drove all the way here, so you darn well better talk to me. I said I was sorry! What more do you want?” This adds fuel to the flames as we further demonstrate lack of respect. We almost don’t have to say anything, as long as the other person sees that we’re doing everything possible to make things right again.
In a situation where the person won’t even talk to us or we haven’t been in contact for some time, we might need to jump-start the relationship and put in a great deal of effort, such as flying to where the person is, dropping off a letter of apology, and then leaving without speaking to the person. If we can make an investment—emotionally, financially, or any other way—and show genuine effort, even without immediate success, we will gain traction.
Phase 2: Be Accountable
It’s important for us to take full and complete responsibility for our actions. We must not shift the blame or make excuses—this will only exacerbate the situation. We shouldn’t say, “I got so upset because we did…,” or, “I didn’t think it was a big deal to…” We must not blame the person for anything—his actions or ours—and we mustn’t minimize our role.
Phase 3: Sincerely Apologize
Sometimes we forget to actually say the words I’m sorry. Though these words are rarely enough, they are necessary to gaining forgiveness. Moreover, we must acknowledge that our actions hurt the other person: I’m sorry, I know I hurt you and caused you pain. We need to ensure that our sincerity comes across. An insincere apology won’t be believed; and if we’re not believed, we won’t be forgiven. If we aren’t truly sorry and remorseful, then we may repeat our behavior and put this person through more pain—in which case it might be time for us to reevaluate the relationship and ourselves.
Phase 4: Be Willing to Accept—and Even Offer—Consequences
It’s one thing to talk the talk, but things can fall apart if he thinks that we’re trying to escape unscathed. Let the other person know that you’re willing to face and accept all consequences of your actions. Putting ourselves in the hands of someone we have harmed and being answerable for our conduct and the aftermath will help to miti
gate that person’s feelings of vulnerability and insecurity. Our initial act, which requires forgiveness, pulled the emotional rug right out from under him. Our behavior violated trust, which is the cornerstone of a relationship. By putting this person in charge of your fate and the entirety of the relationship, you help to reestablish a sense of security and give back, in a way, the power that you took.
We can start by saying something like, “I know what I did was wrong. You have every right to be angry with me. I’m willing to accept the full repercussions of my actions.” We must begin to cede control with our words, or he may further castigate us as his way of setting things straight.
Phase 5: Make Things Right
If we profited in some way, then we must give back what doesn’t rightfully belong to us, in order to set things straight—whether it be money or other items. If we don’t have what we wrongfully took but we can replace it, we must make every effort to do so as soon as possible—and when feasible, we have to let the person know our plan and our progress. And remember: It’s essential to continue on this path even if he still isn’t talking to us.
Regardless of our relationship with the person, by doing what is right, despite not getting what we want (the relationship), we can prove that we are the kind of person he wants back in his life. It is important to stress here that whether or not there is something tangible to return, we are obligated to work on the character flaw or emotional issue that led to our hurtful actions. Only in this way can we authentically declare what we are now—or are working hard toward becoming: a different person who is no longer capable of such abhorrent conduct.
Phase 6: A Painless Game Plan
Let the person know that he has full power over how things proceed, that he is in control every step of the way. You suggest a game plan that moves slowly but surely toward reestablishing the relationship while ensuring that at any time, he can opt to continue, stop, or change course.
NOT SUCCESSFUL, NO PROBLEM
Have you ever driven by a bad traffic accident and noticed that the passengers in your car suddenly become nicer to one another? There’s a sort of quiet kindness that permeates. Have you ever been to visit a friend at the hospital, and the second you walk out the lobby doors you look around and see the world just a little bit differently? You feel a mixture of relief, sadness, and optimism. The experience produces a shift in perspective. You feel happy to be alive, grateful for what you have, and in a more giving and forgiving mood.
Indeed, studies confirm that people are more charitable and forgiving after they have spent some time contemplating their own mortality.5 Therefore, be alert for any such opportunity to try to make peace with the person you wronged. It doesn’t have to be something sad, but rather any significant event—be it a birth or death, a wedding or a divorce—that brings a little perspective into his life. During these critical life-cycle moments, our values and priorities become realigned, and this provides the opportunity to open the gateways of communication. Any action—a phone call, card, gift, or something, anything—gives you a chance to reconnect and pave the way for a resolution.
If, over time, we make several attempts at reconciliation yet continue to meet with great resistance, then it might be necessary for us to move on. The quality of any relationship is determined by the one who wants it the least, not the most. But there’s a difference between someone not wanting to forgive and someone who is uninterested in having any type of relationship. If the other person has no interest in reconciling, perhaps it’s best to let things be. If, however, the other person’s hurt feelings are too intense for him to move past them now, we should revisit the situation after a few months or a year, depending on what happened, and try again. Because in this instance, it’s the freshness of the pain, rather than a lack of desire to reconcile, that impedes reconciliation. If we still meet with resistance, remember that we can only give away what we have. If we want to be forgiven, we may need to forgive others. If we hold on to ill will over what someone has done to us, we can’t be authentic with the person we have injured. If we can resolve any anger we’re sustaining—be it toward ourselves or toward another person—we will find a smoother path ahead to achieving peace in the current situation.
PART V
HOW TO LOVE BEING ALIVE
16
A Date with Destiny
Although we shouldn’t preoccupy ourselves with thoughts of our demise, the only way we can live with intellectual honesty is to acknowledge that one day the sun will rise and set without us in this world. If we find this depressing, rather than motivating, we are not alone. In truth, we belong to the overwhelming majority.
The approaching threat of death as a positive motivator has zero traction in the lives of those who have no life. On the contrary, thinking of death doesn’t make them want to live, but, rather, they welcome their final exit, so that they can permanently escape. Dr. Dean Ornish, Harvard professor and president of the Preventive Medicine and Research Institute, writes:
People may initially get interested in changing their lifestyle because they are hurting, but what sustains these changes is not fear of dying, it’s joy of living.… What often lies at the root of self-destructive behaviors is loneliness, depression, and isolation. The number-one epidemic in America is not obesity or heart disease, it is depression. The most commonly prescribed prescription drugs last year were antidepressants. We assume that people want to live longer, but telling somebody that they will live longer if they just quit smoking and change their diet is not very motivating if they feel depressed, stressed out, and unhappy.
People are trying to kill themselves because they want to die, and being informed that their actions will hasten their death incentivizes self-destructive behavior. When death is not a deterrent, it doesn’t stop their self-destructive behavior and only incites their insolence in regard to life.
THE KEY TO SELF-CONTROL
A well-lived life gives meaning to death, and in exchange, death gives renewed meaning to life. Therefore, the constructive power of contemplating death is in force only when we appreciate life itself, and our lives in particular. Otherwise, we experience no real shift in our mind-set; we just slide along the spectrum to another shade of gray. Coupons have an expiration date to force us to act, but if we’re not interested in the products, then the coupons are just as useless to us before the date as they are after the date.
Having purpose in our lives gives us a broader perspective on life and on death. This is crucial, because a pivotal factor in our ability to exercise self-control lies in how we manage our fears. Terror management theory explains that we deal with the fear of death and the resultant anxiety in one of two ways. When we live full, robust lives, we tend to embrace our values and beliefs—whatever brings meaning into our lives. Known as the mortality salience hypothesis, it promotes self-regulation. Alternatively, if we already have one foot in the Land of Escapism, we are inclined to pacify our fears by further indulging ourselves—in anything from chocolate to extravagant vacations. This is known as the anxiety buffer hypothesis. For this reason, stories on the news relating to disaster and death make viewers respond more positively to advertisements for status products, such as luxury cars and designer clothes.1
A shrinking world compounds our prospects for experiencing emotional distress because terror management is no longer confined to our own lives and experiences. Thanks to the technological age, our brains must process a confounding number of calamities and catastrophes—all of which we log and lodge as clear and present dangers. In the days of our ancestors, or even through a good portion of the 1900s, by the time one heard the news, it was not news anymore; our forebears’ senses were not constantly overwhelmed with photos and videos of every natural or manmade disaster that took place within the past twenty minutes. We are too easily overloaded by all the horrors we witness via technology—right in our living rooms, bedrooms, or even cars. As we become aware of the myriad mishaps and misfortunes happening all around us, our
brains react as if we’re experiencing them in real time.
The dry cough that turns out to be lung cancer for 1 in 3.5 million nonsmokers becomes the source of incessant worry because we “know so many people” who had such a diagnosis. We turn away from the statistically improbable in favor of fear because of all of the people “in our lives” whose stomach aches turned out to be a tumor, who were randomly attacked in broad daylight, or who became paralyzed from a mosquito bite. An endless onslaught of unpredictable and unavoidable horrors awaits us at every turn. It’s to be expected that neurotic has become the new normal.
THE EVIDENCE
The consequences speak for themselves. An estimated 67 percent of the population is overweight or obese. The result: Cardiovascular disease, cancer, and diabetes account for nearly two of every three deaths in the United States. Sales of antidepressant, antianxiety, and mood-stabilizing drugs have hit record levels, and today, one in four Americans suffers from mental illness (and Americans today are ten times as likely to suffer from depression as they were in the 1960s, even accounting for increased awareness and diagnosis).
Our coping mechanism for physical pain has been similarly compromised. In the United States, the number of prescriptions written for major painkillers rose 90 percent between 2003 and 2011. In total, according to the New England Journal of Medicine, 116 million Americans suffer with persistent pain—an astounding 1 out of 3 people. Our tolerance for reality—much less pain of any sort—is crippled.
This crystallizes the crucial necessity to know exactly what we are living for. Nothing other than a clearly defined purpose with meaningful growth will insulate us from the quakes of insanity that would otherwise shake our emotional foundation and force us to flee from reality. Our lives fill with ever-vivid reminders of the true nature of this world. As we snap into heightened awareness, so much seems irrelevant—at least, in the moment. Our soul wants to attach to the one true reality, where we find permanence and meaning. Yet without a sense of purpose in our lives, we don’t have the anchor of trust, and without this unspoken assurance, we shift to a mentality of “Let us eat and drink; for tomorrow we shall die.” The Achilles’ heel of anger control—the foundational trigger of all susceptibility—lies in how we manage our fears.
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