TRUE PEACE
True peace does not mean the absence of difference, but the symphony of unique expression. If we forcibly diminish our individuality, this doesn’t produce peace—it produces problems. We might easily acquiesce when we subjugate ourselves, but inevitably resentment builds and relationships suffer.
Seeking peace doesn’t mean that we let people push past the boundaries of acceptability. At times, the right thing to do is not remaining silent, but to speak up—and stand up—for ourselves and what is right. An obligation to the truth at times supersedes a transient peace, and we can’t default to a position of wholesale compliance when common sense dictates that our voice be heard and our position be known—even when it will cause friction. Authentic peace without truth is an oxymoron. It doesn’t exist, and those who would recklessly or sheepishly sacrifice the truth will lose both truth and peace—and instead be full of anger and resentment.
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How to Talk to People Who Don’t Listen
“But he’s smart! Successful! Talented!” All of this is irrelevant. We must not confuse intelligence with emotional health. As was discussed in Chapter 5, in any given situation, a smart person can make a poor decision, while his less-intelligent counterpart might make a wiser, more thoughtful choice. Our self-esteem, not our intelligence, determines the direction of our behavior. An intelligent person has the potential to make better choices, but his motivation and capability to do so are determined by his perspective or emotional health.
The egocentric person will often pride himself on his instincts because he will routinely disregard logic (though he paradoxically sees himself as a man of intellect). He’s someone who says, “You have to go with your gut” and “Trust your intuition, no matter what.” When the facts invariably conflict with his position we wonder, How can he be so foolish? We’re looking for the logic behind a rationale that doesn’t exist, reason in a psychological landscape devoid of reason. If we become frustrated because someone else simply doesn’t get it, we’re behaving even more irrationally than he is. The other person can’t help himself, but we know better and can choose to end this exercise in futility.
We would do well to abandon the belief that we are only one perfectly crafted sentence away from showing this person reality—that he is wrong and we are, in fact, right. We often persist in believing that if we just present a rational argument and explain the facts clearly and logically, the other person cannot draw anything other than the right conclusion and will then see things our way—the right way. It’s similar to an individual who, when conversing with someone who doesn’t know his language, speaks slower and louder, enunciating each word and making animated facial expressions. On one level, he recognizes that the other person doesn’t understand a single word that he utters, but his emotional self cannot fathom how this can be, when the words seem so clear to him.
When dealing with someone like this, we need to muster up as much empathy as possible. Such a person is disconnected from his true self—the soul—and from others, and suffers from intense feelings of loneliness, regardless of the crowds around him. As we explained in Chapter 3, his inability to connect with others is extremely painful and isolating. Moreover, despite what we may want to believe, this person probably doesn’t wake up in the morning with the thought, How can I make your life miserable today? Hurt people hurt. Not because they are bad, but because they are in pain. Though we all bear responsibility for our behavior, we must not assume a conscious intent in others (and if the behavior is conscious, all the more reason to have empathy, because this person is quite unwell).
DEALING WITH BOUNDARY BREACHERS
Boundaries are not selfish—they are responsible. We need to establish healthy boundaries to give the relationship a chance to survive and perhaps even to thrive. Moreover, our efforts help the person become more self-aware and prevent him from doing psychological harm to himself. How? Because it damages him emotionally every time he takes advantage of us, and it reinforces his corrupted thought process, not to mention the quality of the relationship.
Because of porous boundaries, he will try to take things that don’t belong to him without compunction—our time, our energy, our attention—in much the same way that a thief would take our money or possessions. We need to remember that words are rarely enough, and we will find it futile, time and again, to merely state, Please do not cross this boundary. The same applies to physical boundaries. If we don’t want someone to break into a sensitive area, such as private building, we put up a fence and install an alarm; we might even remind the would-be thief that trespassing is a punishable crime—and spell out the exact penalty. We wouldn’t, however, put up a sign that says, DO NOT STEAL. Those who respect boundaries don’t need it, and those who do not won’t respect the sign.
To set boundaries with unhealthy people, we cannot tell them what to do. Rather, we must tell them how we’ll respond if they breach our boundaries. To be certain, we don’t have to convey this harshly or bluntly—to the contrary. With kindness and compassion, we want to explain our boundaries and the consequences for violating them with unacceptable behavior.
DRAW THE LINE AND STAY STRONG
Low self-esteem will make us wary of confrontation, fearing that we will be rejected or abandoned; but we can’t shy away from being responsible because someone might be upset with us. He probably will act irrationally (and become angry) if we don’t do what he wants (which is, in fact, irresponsible). We cannot, though, give in to his demands (and act irresponsibly) to prevent him from acting irresponsibly. Do you see the lunacy of this? It is sheer foolishness and utterly pointless for us to deviate from behaving responsibly simply because someone will get angry at us if we do. We cannot allow another individual to force us to do something that is wrong merely because he’ll respond unreasonably if we do what is right. In that case, not only would we be acting irresponsibly to avoid his anger, we’d end up getting angry with ourselves and become resentful toward him.
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As we explore the psychological dynamics more closely, we find that what really bothers us is that we get bothered; what really annoys us is that we get annoyed. If we become angry—or act otherwise negligently—we move to a state of dependency, because someone “causes” us to respond in a way that we do not choose. Unpleasant circumstances in general, and difficult people in particular, push us toward an irrationally charged reaction. Choosing to respond calmly, irrespective of our negative emotional state, epitomizes mental health. Whatever such a person asks of us, we either say, “Yes,” with joy or “No,” calmly and guilt free. Giving in out of fear or guilt does nothing to enhance our self-esteem. To the contrary, giving in diminishes it. Such a situation is not really giving; it is the other person taking.
You probably know from your own life experiences that when someone tries to guilt you into doing something and you stand up for yourself—just say no—you feel better about yourself. You also experience a similar empowerment when you say yes to a request that you believe you should accommodate, even if you aren’t in the mood. The bottom line is that whatever you say or do, if it’s from a position of strength—that is, you choose your course of action—you will infuse yourself with an unwavering sense of self-respect.
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Speak Now, or Forever Be in Pieces
In learning how to express ourselves, it’s useful to be aware of our usual modus operandi, or method of operating. People respond to conflict in one of five ways: (1) by accepting it; (2) by retreating from it; (3) by surrendering to it or suppressing it; (4) by fighting; or (5) by shutting down.
Acceptance is the healthiest response. This person sees and accepts the situation for what it is and doesn’t become angry or allow his emotions to dictate his response. Rationally and objectively, he weighs the options and then fortifies his decision with the necessary emotional weight. Retreat is typical of passive-aggressive individuals, who withdraw to avoid confrontation. The passive-aggressive person lacks the co
nfidence and courage to face the situation head on, so he backs down in the moment, but gets back at the person in another way, at another time. His retaliation, or revenge, may take the form of being late, “forgetting” to do something important for the other person, or just generally inconveniencing the other person in some way.
The person who surrenders his anger simply gives up and gives in, a response that often reflects codependency and a doormat or compliant personality type. He doesn’t feel worthy enough to stand up for himself and/or feels incapable of advancing his own agenda, needs, and wishes. If he is not conscious of these thoughts then he suppresses his anger and is unaware that it is eating him up inside; in fact, he may declare—to both himself and to others—to be a very calm and easygoing person who just “rolls with things,” and doesn’t get too ruffled (while the anger manifests into myriad physiological and emotional issues). The distinction between this class and the passive-aggressive is that the latter doesn’t feel entitled to assert himself while the former does, but feels unable to do so directly. The fourth potential response, fighting, produces direct, unhealthy conflict. This person, emotionally charged and enraged, chooses to battle it out head-on without the benefit of composure and reason. Finally, if one’s emotional state is fragile and the circumstance too overwhelming, he may shut down in an attempt to shut out the pain.
EXPRESS YOURSELF
Whether we are the type to convey our anger passively or openly—or to swallow it or wallow in it—we must learn to express ourselves in a way that optimizes how the other person will hear what we say. As we discussed, we want to approach the person with humility and respect, and calmly communicate how we feel without necessarily assigning blame or assuming a malicious intent. Most importantly, we have to say something! The single biggest killer in any relationship is resentment. Resentment is frozen anger from the past that continues to rear its head. When something distresses us, and we can’t deal with it on our own in a healthy way, then it’s time to do something; because if we don’t speak up when necessary, we may act out in inappropriate ways.
Need a little help asserting yourself? Here’s a simple technique from cutting-edge research, and in an upcoming chapter we’ll learn an additional strategy to radically transform our self-concept to become more confident, which makes it considerably easier to assert ourselves.
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Research out of Harvard University has found a direct correlation between body language and the release of hormones. For both men and women, higher levels of testosterone increase feelings of confidence, while lower levels of cortisol (the stress hormone) reduce anxiety and improve your ability to deal with stress. In just two minutes of maintaining a high-power pose—which is open and relaxed—hormone levels shift dramatically, with a 20 percent increase in testosterone and a 25 percent decrease in cortisol.1 The Wonder Woman stance is a good example of the power pose: Stand with feet apart, hands on hips, shoulders back. Holding this stance for just two minutes offers immediate results, because you will be physiologically primed and inclined to assert yourself with greater ease; and practicing this pose several times a day can increase our confidence levels in the long-term. Because the research is new, conflicting findings question the extent of hormonal fluctuations, but what remains certain are the multitude of studies with unanimous agreement that such postures and poses have a direct impact on mood and produce a wide range of near-instantaneous cognitive and behavioral changes. For example, in one such experiment, subjects were randomly assigned to adopt one of two postures—either slumped in their seat or sitting straight up—while filling out a mock job application. Asked for an honest self-evaluation, those in the latter group rated themselves more competent and capable than their slouching counterparts.2
UNFREEZING RESENTMENT
There’s a right and a wrong way to express ourselves, and our approach can make all the difference in the world. As we know for ourselves, sometimes we’re more open, and other times, the slightest critical comment can send us crawling under the nearest rock or make us defensive and argumentative. What we say, how we say it, where we say it, and when we say it will influence how other people receive our comments. The following ten steps will help ensure that we express our words in the optimum ego-free manner, so that people hear them in the kindest way.
If, despite our best efforts, we know the person will become defensive and angry with us, a great technique is to preface our words with something like this: “I’d like to talk with you about an important issue, but I’m concerned that you might get upset with me for bringing it up.” Usually, curiosity will get the better of him, and he will assure you that he won’t get angry. Believe it or not, this assurance will likely hold true, because his ego won’t want him to feel foolish by going back on his word.
According to research, people who are in a good mood are more likely to purchase a lottery ticket.3 When we are joyful, we tend to be more optimistic and are open to possibilities.4 Try not to allow your desire to speak your mind derail your ability to successfully plan your approach. Wait until you’re both in a positive mood, so you both have the capacity to give. When we’re in a bad mood or constricted state, we are only capable of taking, making it difficult to see the situation from the other person’s perspective. When either one or both of you are hungry, tired, or plainly angry, do not expect that you will have a productive conversation. It’s not going to happen too often, if ever.
TEN STEPS TO EGO-FREE COMMUNICATION
1. They Don’t Care What You Know, Till They Know That You Care
Without making a big deal about it, let the other person know you’re saying this because you care—you care about him and your relationship. There is an age-old maxim: “Words that come from the heart enter the heart.” Indeed, only a sincere and heartfelt expression of feelings—and more so, criticism—has a chance of being effective. If you communicate your genuine concern for, and interest in, this person and your relationship with him, he’ll receive your words the way you intended.
2. Privacy, Please
Always express yourself in private. Even if you feel that he wouldn’t mind others hearing your comments, do it behind closed doors.
3. Always Begin with Praise
First, emphasize the person’s many good qualities and remarkable potential, to pave the way for him to hear your point with equanimity. When this person knows that you have genuine respect and appreciation for him—perhaps even reverence or awe—then he’ll hear your comments in a way that doesn’t engage his ego. For instance, “You’re one of the most productive employees, and I’m continually in awe of how you do what you do. I was just wondering about…”
4. Depersonalize the Impact
Comments and critiques should address the act, not the person. In other words, instead of saying, “You’re incompetent or reckless,” it’s better to say, “You’re such a wonderful person, and this behavior doesn’t seem suited to someone of your principled character.”
5. Accidents Happen
Don’t assume or insinuate that this behavior is something that he’s doing knowingly, consciously, or deliberately. If the situation allows, approach it as something he’s doing unwittingly, or even unconsciously.
6. We’re In This Together
Share some of the responsibility, if you can. The approach of shared responsibility makes it you and him against this “thing”—not you against him. You might say something like, “I should have been more specific when we covered this.” This approach is, of course, more effective than “I hate it when you…” Or try, “I’m having a hard time when you…” rather than, “You have no right to…” or “Because you don’t care enough…”
7. Identify the Problem, and Put Energy into the Solution
Expressing ourselves can be both empowering and cathartic, even when the other person is unable to fully understand what we’re saying or how we’re feeling. But if we are speaking out only to correct this person’s behavior, then we want to be solu
tion-oriented. If there is no answer, then you should never have brought it up in the first place, because it serves no purpose. And if you believe that no matter what you say, he won’t take your advice, then it’s also best not to bring it up. If you do, then you only serve your own interests, and you won’t help the situation.
8. You’re Not Alone
Criticism is most effective when you tell him that he’s not alone. If you convey that whatever he has done or is doing is very common (and perhaps even something that you’ve done yourself), this diffuses the impact on his ego, so that he won’t take it so personally. And that’s really the reason he might become so offended. When we openly acknowledge our own faults to the person we criticize, our humility then keeps the other’s ego from engaging. Conversely, an attitude of self-righteousness will automatically galvanize the other’s ego, and he will likely become defensive.
9. Speak Softly and Forget the Stick
Be calm and pleasant. King Solomon stated, “The words of the wise, when spoken gently, are accepted.” When these conversations take a turn for the worse, it’s got less to do with who’s right and who’s wrong, and more with the wrong tone of voice. Speaking softly and politely will help the person digest your message in the manner you intend. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman reports, “Ninety-six percent of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of the fifteen-minute interaction. A harsh startup dooms you to failure. The rule is, ‘If it starts negative, it stays negative.’”5
10. Far and Away, Then Bomb’s Away
The best time to criticize is when you are distanced from the event in proximity and in time. Being removed from the environment and putting time between the event and your criticism produce quite different results from speaking up immediately. Although you may verbally assure the person that the criticism is no big deal, you don’t convey that attitude by offering your observation in the moment. By waiting a few days, you reduce his ego attachment to the situation, and he feels less sensitive to criticism. But the closer to the event (in both time and proximity) that you criticize, the more he identifies with his behavior, and the more defensive he will become.
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