Anger begets anger, and silence begets calm. King Solomon said, “A gentle response turns away anger; a harsh response increases anger.”8 Most people traditionally interpreted this as referring to the person we speak to, but the anger he refers to is also our own. We can retrain our brains by establishing a different meaning for the situation—an intellectual or cognitive approach, in which we ask ourselves, “What does this mean?” and come to the non-ego-oriented reality that we have spoken about in the first several sections. This then resets our emotional response. Another way we can retrain our brains is by forcing ourselves to go beyond aiming for a neutral, calm demeanor, and display the opposite behavior. If you recall the previously mentioned phenomena of facial feedback hypothesis, the very act of smiling sends the brain a message that the situation is nonthreatening—not only that it’s safe to relax, but also that we’re already relaxed. In Chapter 27, we will examine a highly effective application for this: to calm ourselves in the heat of the moment.
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Change Your Self-Concept, Change Your Life
Self-esteem reflects how we feel about ourselves, while the self-concept refers to what we know about ourselves. Up until now, we’ve focused on increasing self-esteem, but now we’ll introduce a way for us to positively reshape the self-concept, and rather than change the lens through which we view ourselves, we’ll change who we look at.
Researchers posed as safety inspectors and asked homeowners whether they would allow the inspectors to place a large DRIVE CAREFULLY sign in their front yards. Only 17 percent gave permission. Other residents, however, were first approached with a smaller request. The “safety inspectors” asked them to hang a three-inch BE A SAFE DRIVER sign in a window. Nearly all homeowners immediately agreed. A few weeks later, the inspectors asked these homeowners to place the gigantic sign on their front lawns. This same group overwhelmingly agreed—76 percent consented to having the unsightly sign in their front yards.1 Why the radical discrepancy between the two groups? It’s simple: Those who first agreed to the smaller request had reshaped their self-concept and now defined themselves as being serious about driver safety. Therefore, by agreeing to the larger request, they signified their ongoing internal commitment to the cause.
Human beings feel driven to act in accordance with how they see themselves. Like a rubber band, we will stretch only so far before snapping back into our original position. Yet revising our self-concept doesn’t happen only through our actions, but via the faculty of imagination. Visualization has an amazing ability to transform us because the subconscious mind can’t distinguish between imagination and an actual happening. In fact, neuroscientists have identified which parts of the brain light up when a person has a genuine experience and found that the same regions activate when the person simply imagines the experience.
Visualization is so potent that experiments show it producing changes in the body as well as in the mind.2 For instance, our muscles gain similar strength whether we actually do an exercise or merely visualize ourselves doing it. One study found that if participants imagine doing finger exercises, their strength increased by an average of 22 percent. By comparison, another test group that actually physically did the same regimen increased their strength by an average of 30 percent.3
Repetitive action patterns also have long-term neural consequences. Scientists have observed these effects at the cellular and the systemic level, even extending to the motor cortex, the muscles that people imagined exercising, along with related muscles. Sixty studies on the power of mental imagery show that the effect was least significant on strict strength tests, better for motor tasks, and best of all for performance with a mental component—most notably, to exercise control over our anger.4
We don’t need to wait for a challenging situation to occur and then rely on sheer will to overcome our emotional reaction. If we imagine ourselves responding in a certain way, it reshapes our self-concept and produces the same changes in the brain that the actual behavior does. Mentally rehearsing a calm, patient response, for instance, will help our brain reset itself and can accelerate our ability to maintain self-control, even under the most daunting of circumstances.
We can also benefit by reflecting on actual or imagined instances when we displayed a particular trait. A mental peculiarity called availability heuristics shows that people often base their self-concept on availability, or how easily they can bring information to mind. For instance, if we could think of several times when we acted calmly and could recall these events quickly, then we would see ourselves—at that moment—as someone with self-control. However, if we had difficulty recalling ever being in a calm state, we would feel that we characteristically react anxiously or angrily. For this reason, some people have a warped perspective of themselves. They have a computer-like memory for remembering their failures and mistakes in life, so they see themselves as failures. Even if our triumphs far outweigh our mistakes, what we readily remember will dictate how we see ourselves.
We can accomplish something else by using this technique: We can become more at ease in asserting ourselves. By rehearsing those times when we stood up for ourselves and expressed our thoughts in a calm and clear way, our memory will be flush with these scenarios, and our self-concept will shape itself around this persona and prime us to behave in this way. Simply recall five to seven times that you asserted yourself and string them together to create a vivid sixty-second “movie trailer” that you can play in your head several times throughout the day, and at those times when you need a turbo boost of assertiveness.
THE COST AND THE CONSEQUENCES
The most valuable way to use visualization is not simply to uproot individual traits, but to acquire the habit of stopping, thinking, and feeling the consequences of our conduct—to fully absorb where our choices will lead us. If we want to control our anger, we want to get real. We must recognize what’s at stake, and permit ourselves to feel the unadulterated pain of the wrong choice—as well as the purity and pleasure of choosing responsibly. As we move beyond rational arguments about long-term costs and benefits, it’s essential that we immerse ourselves in the travesty of the trade-off and the actual harm to us and to our loved ones.
We need to vividly imagine the painful consequences and become realistic about what our behavior has cost us thus far. We must visualize what our lives will look like—in five years, in ten years, or in old age—if we don’t change our ways. We should also reflect deeply on how we will feel about ourselves and how different our lives can be if we become anger free.
The research is definitive. In his book We Have Met the Enemy: Self-Control in an Age of Excess, Daniel Akst writes, “… what matters, when it comes to self-control, is not so much willpower as vision—the ability to see the future, so that the long-run consequences of our short-run choices are vividly clear. In that sense, our shortcomings in this arena are really failures of imagination.”5 Drenching ourselves with total awareness of the consequences is a powerful remedy for impulsiveness.6
Yet consequences matter to us only if we matter to ourselves. Strategies can help us exercise self-restraint, but the only way to rouse our emotional forces is to remind ourselves that we have a higher, more noble purpose.7 Reaffirming our core values—knowing what we are living for and who we are (a soul, not a body or an ego)—is the strongest factor in replenishing strength of will.8
25
Taking Advantage of the Mind/Body Connection
Anger inhibits our ability to see clearly (because the ego distorts our perspective) and our ability to intellectually process information (due to the impact of elevated cortisol levels). Moreover, coping with any kind of stress depletes our willpower, and a chaotic mind and tense nervous system strain our efforts to maintain our calm, regardless of our finest intentions.1 Common sense testifies to the conclusion of innumerable studies: The calmer we are in ordinary times, the easier it is for us to control our anger in difficult times. The following physiological factors are highly beneficia
l in reducing our overall stress and anxiety level.
MEDITATION
One effective way to relax the nervous system is through meditation, which, interestingly, has deep roots in almost every major religion or spiritual practice. While a variety of effective stress-management strategies can help us exercise self-control, meditation has proved to be especially useful, and you can enjoy the dividends remarkably fast.2 Studies show that people who meditated for about thirty minutes a day for eight straight weeks had noticeable increases in gray-matter density in the prefrontal cortex. At the same time, MRI brain scans showed a reduction of gray matter in the amygdala, a region responsible for anxiety and stress.
More than one thousand independent scientific studies conducted at two hundred universities and institutions in twenty-seven countries, published in leading scientific journals, attest to the psychological and physiological benefits of meditative practice. Herbert Benson, M.D., a professor of medicine at Harvard Medical School who has authored or coauthored more than 170 papers, reports that frequent meditation reduces the level of anxiety, worry, and unconstructive thoughts and fears, as well as increasing the individual level of happiness.3 He writes, “Meditation induces a host of biochemical and physical changes in the body collectively referred to as the ‘relaxation response.’ The relaxation response includes changes in metabolism, heart rate, respiration, blood pressure, and brain chemistry.”4 Other findings show that meditation promotes overall psychological health, with benefits that include enhanced confidence and greater self-control, empathy, and self-actualization, as well as decreased anger in high-intensity situations.5
BREATHING MEDITATION IN 5 QUICK AND EASY STEPS
Breathing is most effective because it is among the few biological processes that are involuntary and unconscious and yet, we can easily alter it through conscious thought—thus creating a bridge between the unconscious and the conscious minds. In time, this helps us gain control over untamed and unwelcomed thoughts and feelings. Here are the basic steps:
Step 1: Make the atmosphere conducive. You can step out and feel the warmth of sunlight or go for a darkened room. Look for a quiet and serene place that is completely free of distractions or just from extraneous noise. This could be an extra room in your house, the woods, or anywhere that is tranquil.
Step 2: Take a comfortable position. The traditional cross-legged lotus position is fine but unnecessary. The objective is to be comfortable and to assume a position that will not make your body ache or cause distractions during your breath meditation. The simplest position is to sit in a comfortable chair with your feet flat on the floor, hands resting on your lap or armrests.
Step 3: Start by slowly breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth. Each breath in should be held for about four to six seconds and then slowly released. Be mindful of your breath, how it feels as you inhale, then as you hold it, and then as you slowly exhale. After five minutes or so move on to the next step.
Step 4: Now breathe effortlessly without any interest in managing the pace or rhythm. Your attention is still on your breath, but do not be concerned with how and when to breathe in or out.… Just breathe comfortably, naturally. It is inevitable that your mind will wander and thoughts will enter, and that’s okay. Whenever you become aware that your attention has drifted, gently turn your focus back onto your breath.
Step 5: After fifteen or twenty minutes (or even after just a few minutes, if you are pressed for time), end your breath meditation session by slowly opening your eyes and taking a moment or two to acclimate to your surroundings.
ADRENALINE AND EXERCISE
Caffeine activates the body’s fight-or-flight response, triggering the release of adrenaline and cortisol just as it would for any stressful situation. Indirectly, yet equally injurious, is the role of glucose. When we eat foods high in sugar or refined carbohydrates, blood sugar spikes and then sharply decline, which then stimulates the adrenals to regulate blood sugar levels. While the cumulative effect can wreak havoc on the nervous system, the immediate impact is staggering. A Yale University study found that a single serving of a sugar-sweetened beverage caused adrenaline levels to double in adults and quadruple in children. Recent studies also show that those who suffer from obsessive/compulsive disorder (OCD), panic attacks, and anxiety may find relief with a diet low in refined sugars and simple carbohydrates. Our diet is important for another, unrelated reason. Anger-prone moments require the mental muscle of self-control or willpower, which, much like physical muscle, utilizes glucose.6 Findings show that we are most susceptible to losing our temper when glucose levels are low or not metabolized properly.7 A diet rich in complex carbohydrates, healthy fats, and proteins helps to reduce the fluctuation of glucose levels, and thus tilts physiology in our favor.
The stress-reducing effects of physical activity are well-documented in cross-sectional studies. Regarding anger specifically, Dr. Nathaniel Thom, a leading stress physiologist, finds that “exercise, even a single bout of it, can have a robust prophylactic effect” against the buildup of anger.8 Prudence, however, is advised, as a worldwide study published in the American Heart Association’s journal Circulation cautions that a person should not exercise while they are angry because it can triple the risk of a heart attack within the first hour.9
DEEP BREATHING & PROGRESSIVE MUSCLE RELAXATION
And we’re back to breath. As we noted, anger is directly associated with the fight-or-flight response, and deep breathing and muscle relaxation exercises outside of a high-arousal situation are effective at reducing our anger within the situation. Notice how high-strung, nervous people carry themselves. Their bodies are often tense and stiff. The central nervous system is made up of our brain and spinal cord, and it is difficult to completely relax the mind unless we relax our physical selves as well. A daily five-minute breathing and muscle relaxation routine will be beneficial to raising your overall anger threshold. Let’s take a quick look:
DEEP BREATHING
This highly effective technique can quickly relieve tension, increase oxygenation, and release toxins.
Step 1: Find a quiet spot where you can either sit comfortably or lie down. Breathe normally, focusing on your breath.
Step 2: After a minute or so, inhale deeply through your nose, filling your lungs with air.
Step 3: Once your lungs are full, slowly exhale through your mouth, with your attention on your breath. Continue to breathe in for about six seconds through your nose—hold for four to six seconds—and breathe out for about six seconds through your mouth, slowly. Repeat for several minutes.
Most of our breathing is shallow and constricted, so if you are not familiar with deep breathing, you may find it easier to practice lying down and to place your hand on your stomach; as you slowly inhale, expand your chest and abdomen and feel your hand rise and then fall with each exhale.
PROGRESSIVE MUSCLE RELAXATION
This exercise offers relief for a wide range of emotional and physiological ailments, as well as for overall stress reduction. Through practice we can better recognize when we are experiencing physical tension and learn to quickly relax those muscles to ease the accompanying stress and anxiety. We start by slowly tensing and then relaxing each muscle group and progressively working our way up the body. Here are the areas to focus on: a) each foot; b) each thigh; c) buttocks; d) stomach; e) each hand; f) each arm/bicep; g) neck and shoulders; h) jaw; and i) eyes and forehead.
• Find a quiet place to lie down and loosen any clothing that might prevent you from relaxing properly.
• Next, close your eyes and take a few deep breaths and begin to feel the tension flow out. Relax your jaw, your eyes, your forehead, and slowly scan your body, relaxing those areas that are tense and tight, and let yourself sink down. The entire first step should take no more than two minutes.
• Now, focus on your right foot. Slowly move it around and notice how that feels. Tense your foot muscles gradually until you feel as though t
hey are as tense as possible (without causing yourself pain), count for about five seconds, and then release the tension slowly. Notice how limp your foot feels.
• Relax for 30 seconds, breathing deeply and slowly.
• Then place your attention on your left foot. Follow the same pattern of gently moving, tensing, and then releasing.
• Make sure to take 30 seconds or so to relax with some deep breaths before moving on to your calf—and in between each body part—and then progress gradually up through your body, contracting and relaxing the muscle groups along the way.
WHOLESALE VISUALIZATION
When you have the time, fold in this quick visualization exercise. Close your eyes for a moment, and get comfortable. Now imagine moving through your day anger free and the impact that has on various aspects of your life and relationships. What do you look like? How do you feel about things? What are you saying to yourself? What is your environment like? Has it changed?
Who are the people you are surrounded with? How are they looking at you? What are they saying to you? How do you react and interact with them? Now take a moment and step back into your own body, feeling both calm and energized about who you can become.
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Getting Real with Meditation and Visualization
Never Get Angry Again Page 12