by Riley Hart
“Old man was a bastard. Didn’t want to take care of his son.”
“Do you ever talk to him? At all?”
There was a roughness to Dare’s voice when he said, “Nope. Not once.”
Miles assumed the reason was because his father had made his choice the same way Thea Jane Clements had made hers.
“I’m not saying that’s right. There’s no right or wrong answer to something like this. All any of us can do is what we feel is right for us and hope for the best. Why do you ask?”
“No reason,” Miles replied.
“Bull shit,” Dare answered.
Miles looked up then and made eye contact with him. “None that I want to share.”
Dare nodded once. “I can accept that. I’m always here if you want to talk. Austin and I have taken a bit of a liking to you guys.”
“Thanks, man. I appreciate it.” He looked down again, wished he hadn’t come here. Wished he could be alone.
“Do you need some space?” Dare asked prompting Miles to let out a relieved breath.
“Please.”
Dare pushed to his feet, walked over and squeezed Miles’s shoulder in support. “Like I said, I’m always here if you need something. Don’t hesitate to ask.”
The office was silent when Dare walked out.
Thea Jane Clements. His birth mom’s name was Thea Jane Clements.
Veronica Sorenson would always be his mom.
He couldn’t be here tonight, he realized.
But he also couldn’t be alone.
It was only a few minutes later when Miles pulled out his phone.
He hit Chance’s name and when his friend picked up he asked, “Are you home?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m walking over from Wild Side. Call Ollie and Matt and have them come over please.”
“What’s wrong, Miles? I’ll come get you—”
“No,” Miles cut him off. “I’ll be okay. Just…call Ollie and Matt. I’ll be there soon.” He ended the call before Chance could argue with him.
When he got back into the main part of the bar, he found Dare and handed over his keys.
“I’m going to Chance’s. One of us will be back for those.”
He was in no shape to drive—emotionally, or with the alcohol he’d drunk.
“I’ll take care of them.” Dare shoved the keys in his pocket. Miles said thank you and then walked toward Chance’s apartment. Two names ran laps in his brain the whole time, each fighting for his attention.
Quinn and Thea Jane Clements.
The woman who had given birth to him.
The one who’d thrown him away.
“Hey.” Miles looked up to see Chance walking toward him. “Sorry, I couldn’t stay home and wait. What’s wrong, boo?” he asked.
Miles shook his head. Chance frowned but didn’t push it. He threaded his arm through Miles’s, locking them together before the two of them walked in silence to his place.
They went inside and Miles sat on the couch to wait for Ollie and Matt. This reminded him of the last time they were here like this, because Matt had broken Oliver’s heart.
Quinn hadn’t done that, though. Not in the same way, so his gut twisted in confusion. He couldn’t make sense of it all and didn’t want to. Not now. Right now he was too fucking tired.
It didn’t take long for Matt and Oliver to arrive.
The moment they were all inside, Miles spoke, just wanting to get it over with. “Quinn and I are over.”
“What?” Chance asked.
“Why?” Oliver added, but Matt didn’t speak. Miles locked eyes with him, saw how Matt studied him, cocked his head as though he could look deeper that way, and Miles had to turn away. It felt too intense, as though Matt saw something in him the rest of them didn’t.
“He betrayed me,” Miles told them. But had he? Had he really betrayed him? It felt like it.
“He cheated on you?” Oliver asked. “That doesn’t sound like Quinn. Are you sure?”
“He didn’t cheat on me.” He rubbed a hand over his head, looked down because the attention on him was too much.
“What did he do?” Chance asked.
“It’s…” He found my birth mother… I don’t know how I feel about that… What about Mom and Dad? “It’s between us.”
Chance opened his mouth to speak, but Miles cut him off, “It’s between us,” he repeated. He couldn’t do this tonight. His brain was a minefield with so many triggers that were ready for explosion.
“I just…”
Oliver sighed. Was the first to walk over and sit beside him. Chance came next. Miles dropped his head to Oliver’s shoulder the same way Oliver had done with him not too long ago. Chance wrapped an arm around him, but Matt? Matty just watched him, and Miles knew that out of everyone in the room, Matt somehow understood what he was going through more than anyone else.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Quinn sat in his car outside of the LGBT youth center and didn’t want to go in. He would do anything not to have to walk through those doors, but he felt as though he had to. Felt like it was the right thing to do.
Still, dread pumped through his veins. A heavy weight pulled down his heart and he wished things could be different. Wished everything hadn’t gone down the way it had.
That he would have spoken to Miles first. That he would have let Miles handle his life in his own way.
That he hadn’t been so damn afraid of losing him, that he forced an issue he thought would help when he didn’t have a fucking clue. Everyone handled their shit differently. Everyone felt differently about their lives and choices and what was right for them. What Quinn thought was best, wasn’t necessarily best for Miles, and he should have seen that.
Before he changed his mind and slunk away with this tail between his legs, Quinn got out of the car. He was five minutes late, which wasn’t like him but considering he didn’t want to be here, it made sense.
The receptionist smiled when he walked inside. She was obviously expecting him, but he still signed in the way he was supposed to before telling her he could get to Austin’s office on his own.
When he reached the door, he saw it was open. Austin sat behind the desk as he did the last time Quinn was there. Oliver was in the same chair he’d occupied before too. He stood automatically and hugged Quinn.
“Hey, it’s good to see you,” Oliver told him.
“It’s good to see you too.” And this reaction? Oliver welcoming him like this meant every fucking thing in the world to Quinn. Their devotion would always be to Miles, as it should be, but he’d hated the thought that they could be angry at him.
For all he knew, maybe Miles hadn’t even told them what happened.
When they parted, Austin stood and shook hands with Quinn.
“Is everything okay?” Austin asked as the three men settled in their seats.
No, no it wasn’t. “Yeah,” he replied. “I just wanted to let you know that because of a few new developments, I’m going to have to step down in helping you guys with our project. All my promises will still be fulfilled of course. I have the name and phone number of someone else who works with me, and they’re incredibly excited to head up the tour of our facility. His name is Tim, and he’ll also be in charge of the game day we have planned here.”
Austin’s forehead wrinkled. He likely had no idea that anything had gone down with him and Miles. “Is everything okay? I know how excited you were to work on this.”
He really had been excited. He’d wanted it so much, but… “Yeah. I’m okay. And it’s still happening, which is all that matters.” The youths would still get every benefit they were before. Quinn guaranteed it. He just couldn’t do this to Miles. He thought about what Miles had told him about the pacts and contracts and why he’d struggled with Matt. Quinn wouldn’t be a source of tension between their friendships. The four men had one of the most beautiful relationships Quinn had ever seen.
“Quinn,” Oliver started, but Quinn shook his head. He e
xpected Oliver to try and talk him out of it.
“No. It’s important I do this.”
Oliver sighed. Austin told Quinn that he hated to see him go but he understood if it was a commitment Quinn could no longer make.
The conversation went rather quickly. Quinn didn’t want to be there any longer than he had to.
He wasn’t surprised when Oliver walked out with him. He wasn’t surprised when he stopped Quinn in the parking lot and asked, “Why are you doing this?”
Quinn shrugged and answered honestly, “Because I think it will be easier for Miles.” After the way Quinn hurt him, totally sideswiped him with information he didn’t expect, being around Quinn or knowing that Quinn was working closely with his friend would be the last thing Miles needed.
“What happened between the two of you?” Oliver asked next.
He wouldn’t give specifics. Miles likely wanted to forget whatever information he saw on his mother. If he hadn’t told Oliver himself, Quinn wouldn’t be the one to do it. “I hurt him.” He’d taken Miles’s choice away from him, the same way his mother had taken Miles’s life into her hands.
“Shit,” Oliver cursed quickly, then locked eyes with Quinn. “Why do I have the feeling you’re just as hurt as he is? That whatever happened wasn’t intentional and your goddamned heart is breaking?”
Because it wasn’t intentional. Because his heart was broken. Rather than answering Oliver, he asked, “How is he?” It had only been a few days since everything went down between them. Since Miles left work early to surprise Quinn and had felt betrayed instead.
“He’s hurting too…not like he’ll share it with us. You know how he is. He loves the rest of us so damn much that he couldn’t live without knowing what pained us, but when it comes to himself, he just doesn’t feel the same.”
This time it was Quinn’s turn to curse. “Fuck,” he mumbled before running a hand through his hair. “Don’t let him close in on himself, okay? Just be there for him. Make sure he knows he’s not alone.”
“He’s never alone,” Oliver answered.
“I know.”
“Are you?” Oliver questioned. Was Quinn alone, that’s what he wanted to know.
“I’m fine,” he lied.
“Are you alone, though?”
Quinn shook his head. “I’m thinking about going to see my best friend, Christian, for a little while. Just to get away.”
Oliver nodded but looked a little sad. He frowned before he pulled Quinn in for another hug. “You’re our friend now too. You call any time.”
“I will. Thank you.”
Oliver pulled away and added, “You look tired. Get some rest.”
He was tired—both physically and emotionally. “I will.”
He watched as Oliver walked away. Quinn had never felt so alone in his whole life.
*
It was Saturday evening.
It had been a week and a day since Miles walked into Quinn’s apartment and saw what his mom looked like for the first time. A week and a day since he learned her name.
A week and a day since he walked away from Quinn.
He sat in front of his computer where he spent most of his spare time over the past week, the name Thea Jane Clements Sacramento typed out, but he had yet to hit return. He had yet to actually search for her. He’d delete her name, shut down his computer, only to open it back up and type the name again.
Why did he need to know so much? Why did the lack of knowledge eat through him every day of his life?
He didn’t want her to be his mother. He had one of those. But he needed to know. He needed an answer he could understand, one that made sense.
That wasn’t the only thing on his mind either.
He missed Quinn. He was this constant ache in Miles’s chest. This need that coursed through him every second of every day.
But what he’d done had hurt.
Miles’s eyes darted up when there was a knock at his door. It was close to seven. He wasn’t expecting anyone, but that didn’t mean much of anything. He’d been horrible company at Wild Side the night before and he wouldn’t put it past his friends if he found the three of them standing there waiting for him.
He thought about ignoring it but found himself pushing to his feet. Found himself walking over. Found himself frowning slightly in surprise when he opened the door.
It wasn’t Chance.
It wasn’t Oliver.
But it was Matt. Alone.
“Can I come in for a second?” he asked.
“Yeah, sure. Of course.” Miles let him inside, before closing the door behind him. “Do you want something to drink?” he asked, but Matt shook his head. The rigidness in the set of his shoulders immediately told Miles something was wrong.
“Is Ollie okay? There’s nothing wrong with Oliver, is there?” His heart beat double time.
“No, he’s fine.” Matt turned to face him. “But I don’t think you are. I don’t think you’ve been fine for a very long time. I know because I was the same way.”
“Fuck,” Miles cursed quietly. He didn’t like being called out on his shit. The instinct was there, building inside of him to tell Matt he was fine. To tell him to mind his own business…but he was right. There wasn’t a part of Miles that didn’t know he was right.
He’d been suffering in silence ever since he was a child, which made him feel guilty and weak because he had an incredible life. The best of friends. Parents he wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. A career he loved.
He’d had a man he loved too.
Life wasn’t always that easy though, was it? Maybe he’d been wrong all along and one plus one rarely made two.
When Miles didn’t reply, Matt continued. “I used to get so upset with myself. I couldn’t understand why I just wasn’t happy. My life wasn’t perfect, but it could have been worse. Regardless of how I struggled sometimes, I knew I had family who loved me. I had everything going for me. I had this beautiful man who would have done anything for me but I fought happiness, fought it because somehow, there was a part of me that believed I didn’t deserve it. I realize now that I deserve it, and you do too.”
“I know,” Miles replied, because he did. He didn’t believe he didn’t deserve happiness. He was just… “I don’t want to get hurt.”
“Does anyone want to get hurt? Denying yourself is just a different version of pain. Believe me, I know.”
He was right. Jesus, he was so fucking right.
“Quinn found my birth mother,” Miles admitted. He walked over and sat on the couch, and Matt joined him. “He didn’t tell me he was going to look. I didn’t ask him to…but God, I think a part of me was glad that he did, while at the same time, I felt betrayed. I was jealous because he had the strength to do something I didn’t.”
“That doesn’t make you weak, Miles. That makes you human. You have fears and worries, just like the rest of us, and they’re all different for everyone. And you have to remember, Quinn wasn’t as emotionally attached as you. Is that what happened? You told him you didn’t want to look for her and he did it anyway?”
He shook his head. “No. I told him that it was the one thing I’d always wanted to do but was too afraid.”
So Quinn had done it for him. Quinn had tried to bear that weight. And no, it wasn’t the right decision. It was and should have always been Miles’s choice to make, but Quinn did it out of love. There wasn’t a part of him that doubted it.
“Ollie said he stepped down from helping with the youth center. He’s having someone else fill his obligations. I wasn’t sure if you knew but figured you’d want to.”
Miles’s eyes snapped up and met Matt’s. “He did?”
“Yeah.”
For him. Miles knew Quinn did that for him. He was giving Miles his life but…he didn’t want it. Not from Quinn. He really fucking didn’t.
“I have to go.” Miles shoved to his feet.
“I thought you might,” Matt teased.
“Cocky so
n of a bitch,” Miles tossed back at him as he stepped into his shoes. He took a moment then to look up at Matt and get serious. “Thank you.”
“All I did was talk to you.”
“Yeah, but you didn’t have to. And I don’t think anyone else would have been able to get through to me yet, other than you.”
“I’m glad I could help.” He shrugged, and Miles smiled at him. He shoved his phone into this pocket and grabbed his keys.
He needed Quinn.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Miles knocked for the second time on Quinn’s door. He’d seen Quinn’s car out front, and even if he hadn’t, somehow he would have known his guy was inside.
He didn’t call out, didn’t alert Quinn that it was him. He only waited, and when Quinn didn’t answer the door, he pulled his keys out of his pocket and unlocked it himself.
If he hadn’t known in his heart that he would be back here again, he would have gotten rid of it, but he hadn’t because this was Quinn and his heart would always be tied to this man.
“It’s me,” he said as he pushed the door open. The apartment was dark. It was only a little after seven, but with the lights out and the blinds closed it looked later.
Quinn’s computer screen was the only thing that glowed.
“Miles?” Quinn sat up. He’d been lying down on the couch, but as Miles walked over, he knew Quinn definitely hadn’t been sleeping.
Not just in this moment either. He hadn’t been sleeping well, at all.
He had a few days’ stubble on his face. His normally wide eyes were narrow and red.
“Fuck,” Miles gritted out as guilt flooded his insides.
“What are you doing here, Counselor?” Quinn asked.
Miles replied with, “Shh,” before bending over and picking Quinn up. Miles lifted Quinn into his arms, holding him.
Quinn didn’t fight him, which spoke to how tired he was. How long had it been since he’d had a good night’s sleep? Christ, Miles should have known better. He should have checked on Quinn. He should have been there for him.
“I got you, baby boy,” Miles said as Quinn wrapped his arms around Miles’s neck. “I got you. I’m here.” He kissed Quinn’s forehead. Held him tight. In this moment, nothing else mattered—not that they’d had a fight or that Quinn had gone behind his back, even if it was to help Miles. The only thing he cared about was taking care of the man in his arms the loving way Quinn took care of his heart.