Ryan laughed, "No, it's not really like that. My human mind and my bear instincts are always in there. Usually the human has control, but the bear can be stronger when I am very angry or frightened. But I never slip, when I become a bear I always relinquish control voluntarily."
"Can you," Saylor blushed, "show me?"
Ryan grinned, dropping her hand.
"We are still a couple miles from campus," he said, looking around. "If you want to see me shift, I don't mind showing you. It can be alarming for a first timer, so don't be afraid to ask me to shift back, okay?"
Saylor nodded, "Should I stay here or go into the woods or?"
"You're fine here," said Ryan.
He pulled off his over shirt and jeans, suddenly in front of Saylor in just his underwear. His fingers rested in the waistband. Saylor's breath caught as she took in his near-naked body up close. The muscles that looked so good from a distance and soaking wet looked even better now. There was a light dusting of dark chest hair in loose curls across his upper chest. His nipples were a dark brown, small and pointed in the cold. Now she could see that the slight pudge she noticed earlier was lightly layered over strong abs and a ripped back. He was just, a big guy. It was not surprise he was a bear.
"When I shift," Ryan said, noticing her gaze, "I rip all my clothes unless I go naked. I really like this outfit. I'm going to take off my underwear now."
Saylor nodded, trying to keep her gaze up, away from his bulge. When the boxers came down, she couldn't help but take in his thick penis. She blushed, would all that fit inside her. Her blush deepened, she hoped it did.
Ryan turned around, preparing to shift. He walked ahead of her about thirty paces, then turned. With a wink, he started to run. With each step, his body morphed, spine lengthening, limbs moving, face turning, hair sprouting all over his body. Saylor was in awe.
Ryan stopped just short of her, fully a bear. He was huge, jaws big enough to fit around Saylor's head if he wanted. He was heavier too, she would have to ask him how he managed to gain mass during the transition. His coat was the same dark brown-red of his hair, shiny and healthy. The teeth were long, sharp, the stuff of nightmares but his green eyes held the same twinkle they always had. Saylor was not afraid.
She reached out and stroked his snout. Ryan held her gaze. He looked like he was smiling, almost laughing. Saylor smiled back.
"You're not so scary," she said. "You're just a big teddy bear."
Ryan rolled his eyes and huffed, breath tickling her hand. She gave him a firm pat.
"You are a teddy bear," she said, "whether you like it or not. I have never been less scared in my life. I think I've seen enough you can-"
A twig snapped. Ryan and Saylor snapped their heads toward the sound. In the clearing stood three people; Sean, Heidi, and Britta. From Saylor's astronomy class. Oh shit.
For a moment, no one moved. Saylor wondered if she and Ryan ran back into the woods the students would forget about what they saw. Or maybe she could say that she was considering switching to veterinary science because of her natural affinity for animals. Or maybe she could just talk to them like nothing was happening and it would all be fine.
"What," said Sean, "the actual fuck?"
Saylor frowned, she never liked Sean. He was a know-it-all and an argumentative bully, always playing Devil's advocate in class discussions.
"Hi guys," she said, trying to keep her tone even. "Are you working on the assignment, too? I was having trouble finding-"
"Professor Paulson?" asked Heidi, her hazel eyes wide and frightened. "Is that you? You're a... a..."
"Were-bear," Britta supplied, her voice hard and eyes narrow.
Sean stepped forward, trying to shield the girls. Unfortunately, he was only five foot five and a hundred and kind of skinny. Not intimidating or strong enough to take on a bear.
"Saylor, come over here," said Sean, voice tight, eyes trained on Ryan. "Walk very slowly. Professor Paulson is trying to change you. We don't want you to be bitten, come over here and we will get you to safety together."
Saylor took a step forward, back to Ryan, placing herself between him and the classmates.
"He's not going to hurt any of us," she said. "He is just the same as he was before you knew this. He's our professor, a nice man. He would never hurt any of us."
"Don't be crazy," Heidi said, her voice barely a whisper. She clutched her bag in front of her chest, as though it would protect her if Ryan decided to run forward and bite her. Her usually gorgeous auburn curls looked flat with sweat and her face was pale. "We want to keep you safe."
Britta reached forward and grabbed Sean's hand. She pulled him back, eyes wary.
"Come on, Sean," she said, "if Saylor wants to risk it with an abomination let her. I want to get back to safety."
"We'll tell the administration," Sean spat as Britta herded the three of them back into the forest. "We will let them know all your students have been in danger. You're a monster. You shouldn't be around humans."
"You're an asshole," Saylor said.
Britta sneered at her. "You're a stupid little girl."
Saylor and Ryan stood still while they listened to the three students walk away in the forest. When the rustling of the leaves and the twig snapping ceased, Saylor turned back to Ryan. She sighed deeply.
"Are you all right?" she asked.
Ryan shifted back, his face pinched with trepidation. He reached for his clothes, yanking them out of Saylor's hands and throwing them on his body.
"I have to go," he said, his voice heavy and tight. "I am fucked now. They will tell the administration tomorrow. Everyone will know. I won't be able to get another job. Shit, I should have been more careful."
"Hey," said Saylor, reaching for him, "it'll be okay. Sean is just an asshole, he probably didn't mean it. Calm down, there's nothing that can be done now. I'll help you-"
Ryan pulled back from her, glaring. Saylor started. She was afraid.
"You already did enough," he said. "I knew I shouldn't shift this close to the school. I let my guard down. If you hadn't asked to see me change this wouldn't be a problem."
"I didn't force you to shift," Saylor said, tears stinging in her eyes. She would not let them fall. She would not let him see her cry. "Don't blame this all on me."
Ryan shook his head. "You're right, I'm sorry. This place, this university, it's been my home for so long. That's gone now."
"Maybe they will understand," said Saylor. "Maybe everything will be fine."
"I can't take that risk," said Ryan. "I have to go home and get ready to leave."
He leaned forward and kissed her. The kiss was chaste, sad, full of longing. When he pulled back Saylor saw that his eyes were dark.
"I'll be in touch with you when I find someplace new," he said. "I will try to leave tonight. Thank you, truly, for giving me a chance to be myself. I wish things were different."
"You're not just leaving," said Saylor. She felt like someone was sitting on her chest, her breathing quickened, her cheeks felt hot. "This can't be goodbye."
"I'm sorry," he said.
Then Ryan turned and took off running through the forest. After a few seconds Saylor heard tearing and the roar of a bear. He was upset, the bear had got the better of him.
She breathed deeply, trying to recover her wits. The woods were dangerous now, darker and thicker than when they had been together. She started at every noise, worried it would be Sean and the others back with campus police. Shivering, Saylor forced herself to follow the trail back to campus.
She felt empty. How could she have just given herself to Ryan like that. They barely knew each other, and she let him finger her on the beach? That was her first time doing anything like that and now this man might be gone forever. She thought they had something, and it was over.
The tears escaped Saylor's eyes then, hot rivers breaking down her cheeks. They washed away the memory of Ryan's hand on her cheek. She wouldn't think of him anymore.
; Chapter Nine
With morning came another round of classes. Saylor attended every lecture, taking notes in Witchcraft in Early Modern Theater and Sexual Themes in Shakespeare. However, classes that she normally enjoyed seemed like white noise, blips of distraction from her real problem.
When astronomy came, Saylor stood outside the classroom without comprehending the sign on the door. The class was cancelled, Professor Paulson was ill. The class would resume next Monday, after the weekend. Professor Paulson. Class cancelled. Tears pricked at the edges of her vision and Saylor turned away. Class would not resume on Monday. At least, not with Professor Paulson.
Instead of going home, Saylor walked to the library. Jasmine worked there, checking out books and helping the freshmen with directions. Saylor hadn't managed to catch her roommate last night, it was too late and she wasn't sure if she wanted to talk about what happened. But now, in the harsh light of day, Saylor needed to talk to someone about the bullshit life she led.
Jasmine was leaning on the desk, twirling the end of her ponytail around her finger. She lit up when Saylor walked through the doors, waving her over.
"Ohmigod," she gushed once Saylor was in earshot, "have you heard the rumors?"
Saylor's stomach sank. "About what?"
"About your Professor Sexy!" Jasmine grinned, leaning forward and lowering her voice. Saylor leaned forward too, trying not to look too upset. This is not how she wanted to start the conversation.
"I heard," said Jasmine, "that some students were walking around in the woods last night and they ran into the professor. They found him shifted. He's a bear! Can you believe it?"
Saylor shook her head and looked down.
"They said," Jasmine continued, "that he was trying to turn one of the girls from his astronomy class. How scary is that? Creepy old shifter men walk among us, ready to snap up young girls like you and me and make them join the flock."
"Or maybe you'd like if he bit you," Jasmine said, winking at Saylor and dissolving into giggles. When she saw Saylor wasn't laughing with her she frowned.
"What's up?" she asked, glancing at the clock. "Hey, aren't you supposed to be in class right now?"
Saylor nodded, "I am but it was cancelled."
"Oh?" said Jasmine. "That's great! You have a free hour."
"Yeah," said Saylor, "but it was cancelled because Ryan... Professor Paulson is a shifter. And we kind of went on a date last night because I caught him shifting two nights ago and he felt he could trust me. And we made out a little. But then our classmates saw us and they threatened to tell the administration so he said he had to leave even though we were probably going to date."
Jasmine blinked.
"Well," she finally said, "that was pretty heavy. So like, let me get this straight."
"Go for it," said Saylor.
A student walked up to check out a book but Jasmine waved them away to the other check out assistant. She looked annoyed they even bothered to come up.
"Professor Paulson is a shifter," said Jasmine. "You two went on a date. You made out and 'stuff.' You got caught. He left. And now you're here instead of with him?"
"Pretty much," said Saylor.
"You're an idiot," said Jasmine.
"What am I supposed to do, Jas?" Saylor asked. "It's not like I can say 'hey, ignore all the haters and come live with me! Sorry about oppression and mean people!' That would never work."
"Do you like him?" Jasmine asked.
Saylor ran a hand through her hair. "I do, I really like him, but how can I ask him to stay with me if we only got to know each other yesterday? I don't even know if he is still in the city. And he is my professor. What am I supposed to do?"
"You can try something," said Jasmine, "instead of whining to your roommate in the library. That is what I would do."
Saylor frowned, "That's easy for you to say, you didn't see the way he looked after someone called him a monster."
"I wasn't there," Jasmine conceded, "but I know that you won't get anywhere if you don't try. If you like in, Say, you have to do your best to get him back. So what if he doesn't stay? What if you convince him that the two of you have a future? You graduate next year, you can be long distance and then follow him."
"And leave the UP?" Saylor asked.
Jasmine rolled her eyes, "You have to think about what is more important to you. Do you love him?"
Saylor thought about this. She considered the way she never felt happier than she did in her hometown, except when Ryan smiled at her. And how she always felt safest curled up in her home in the woods, but now she felt safest in Ryan's arms.
"I am falling in love with him," she said.
Jasmine smile, "That's wonderful! You need someone. Are you in too deep yet? Or do you think you can get out now without a little heartbreak?
"Oh," said Saylor, "I am definitely in too deep. But last night he left me in the woods. He knew how hurt I was and he left me there. I don't think that is a good sign."
"Did you tell him not to leave you?"
Saylor shook her head, "No, but he shouldn't have left me. And he shouldn't have shrugged me off so quickly."
"I think," said Jasmine, "you're behaving like a child."
Saylor rolled her eyes.
"Seriously," said Jasmine. "You just told me he felt exposed and hurt, like he had to run and hide from everyone. It is scary to be outed like that, he had a good reason to be selfish. It wasn't about you, it was about him."
She was right, Saylor knew. But it still hurt.
"I think you need to forgive him for that," said Jasmine. "If you can."
"I can," said Saylor. Truthfully, she already had. She missed his touch, the way he talked about the stars, his lectures, his smell.
"So go find him!" said Jasmine.
"And look for him where?" Saylor said. "In his office? He isn't on campus today. I don't know where he lives."
Jasmine grinned, "I might be able to help you with that."
She turned to the computer and started tapping away. When she typed she looked like a serious hacker, focused and precise. Jasmine could be pretty intimidating when she set her mind to something. Her ponytail bobbed with each stroke, swinging gently behind her head.
"What are you looking for?" asked Saylor.
"The staff directory," said Jasmine. "The library computers have too high security clearance for the assistants because the head librarian always forgets to log out. It doesn't matter because we are model students. Of course," Jasmine paused her typing to flash a smile at Saylor, "that doesn't mean we don't poke around."
Jasmine typed some more, throwing a furtive glance over her shoulder. Then, with a triumphant click she turned the computer screen towards Saylor. Ryan's home address was on the screen.
"You're a genius!" Saylor squealed, shushed by the head librarian for being too loud.
"Let me write it down for you," Jasmine said, cheeks pink with pride. She ripped a piece of notebook paper and scribbled down the address. She slid the paper and her car keys over the desk.
"Here," she said, "take my car. I'll walk home. His house is a little out of the way. Just promise me you'll have my car back Sunday night."
"He might not even be there," said Saylor, taking the items.
"You'll never know until you try," said Jasmine, patting her hand for good luck. "Now go! My supervisor is coming over! I don't want to get in trouble."
"Thank you, Jas," Saylor said.
"Go!" Jasmine waved her out. "My car is parked in the back row, by the street light."
Chapter Ten
Ryan's house was small. A log cabin in the woods, far off the road, surrounded by trees. The road was so small Saylor drove past it three times. She parked off to the side, in a patch of grass by some trees. The trail was so narrow she was dreading turning around.
She got out of the car, not caring that the car door slammed a bit louder than she would have liked. So what? Ryan might not even be in here.
The mature trees
surrounding his house looked worn. She took note of the claw marks around the bases of the trees. They were fresh. She remembered the roar from last night, the frustration Ryan felt when they parted ways. He must have come back here and scratched out his frustration. The bear won control.
Saylor stood in front of the door, building up the courage to knock. He might not even be here. This could be a mistake but it might be a mistake that no one knows about. Breathing deeply, Saylor reached up and knocked three times.
The door swung open.
Ryan stood before her, disheveled. His normal bed head was crazy, sticking up in points all over. His stubble had grown into a short beard already, he hadn't bothered to shave. His eyes were rimmed with red, exhaustion, he hadn't slept much either. He wore a pair of worn jeans and a white undershirt. Still, Saylor's breath caught when she saw him. This was her man.
"What are you doing here?" He asked, his voice was hoarse. She wondered if growling affected him just like screaming would.
"I came here to beg you not to leave," she said. Saylor wanted to step forward, pull Ryan into a hug. She wanted to smooth his hair, tuck him into bed, help him go back to sleep. He didn't deserve a life like this.
"I can't stay here," Ryan said.
"Have you heard from the administration?" Saylor asked. "Have they asked you to leave?"
Ryan shook his head. "Not yet, they will probably tell me in person."
"So you're running from something rather than facing your problems?" Saylor asked. She was annoyed! He didn't come to class today because he didn't want to come to class. He didn't know yet if anything had gone wrong.
"You don't understand," Ryan said, leaning heavily on the doorframe.
"Don't talk to me like I am a child," said Saylor. "I understand that you are afraid. I don't understand why you would be so willing to give up the life that you built for yourself."
"What do you know about building a life?" Ryan asked, his voice hard.
"I don't know as much as you," Saylor said, "but I know that I am here. I am trying for you. Because... because I love you Ryan. I don't think I can bear to look at a life without you."
Bearly Passing: Saylor and Ryan Page 4