Hilariously Ever After

by Box Set

  Harvey laughed, taking control of my cart. “Anything for my favorite handywoman. Come over to the customer service desk and I’ll get you sorted out.”

  “Thanks, Harvey.” I touched his arm with a smile. Then, turning to Brantley, I grinned. “See you Monday.”

  He sighed, but his fight against his smile was so obvious it made me laugh.

  I waved goodbye to the twins and followed Harvey to the customer service counter.

  “Business or pleasure?” he asked, ringing up the paint.

  “Business,” I replied.

  “Looks like pleasure to me.”

  I rolled my eyes. “You watch too much TV, old man.”

  His smile was lopsided as he took both my loyalty card and my debit card. “But I can see the look of a girl with a crush.” He swiped my loyalty card. “He’s handsome, no?”

  “You’ve been speaking to Mom, haven’t you?”

  “I might have seen her in the grocery store first thing this morning,” he admitted, swiping my debit card. “You seem very comfortable with him.”

  I took both cards from his wrinkled hand and shot him the hardest look I was capable of. “No.” I waggled my finger at him the exact same way I had my mom. “Don’t go there. It’s business, Harvey. All right?”

  He grinned, revealing his pearly-white, slightly crooked teeth. “Sure thing, sweet girl. Sure thing.”

  I put the last can of paint back in the cart and pursed my lips at him. “Stay out of trouble, Harvey.”

  “Me? Never.”

  Chapter 11

  If there was one thing I wasn’t prepared for on Monday morning, it was Brantley Cooper hustling his children like a boss while wearing a sharp as fuck suit.

  That’s right.

  The first thing I was coherently able to see on Monday morning was a suited and booted guy, herding two tiny humans the way a dog herded sheep.

  I stood just inside the front door, blinking at the sight before me.

  “Eli! Get your dinosaur. Ellie, I’ve asked you three times now to put on your shoes.”

  “I can’t find dem!”

  “You had them in your hands five minutes ago!”

  “Ewi stole dem!”

  “Eli, did you take Ellie’s shoes?”

  “No! I don’t want her shoes. I can’t find my dinosaur, Daddy.”

  “It’s on your bed. Eleanor, put down your juice and find your shoes now!”

  “But I’m firstyyyyy!”

  “Shoes, Eleanor! Dinosaur, Elijah! Now!” He leaned against the banister, pinching the bridge of his nose. His nostrils flared as he took a deep breath, and with his eyes shut, it was easy to say he was already over this day.

  All right, so he wasn’t hustling like a boss of herding them like sheep. He was more kinda throwing out instructions and hoping something would stick and that one of them would listen to him.

  Huh. Maybe it was kinda like herding sheep…

  “Morning,” he said, much brighter, dropping his hand from his face. His eyes sparkled a little when they met mine. “Welcome to Hell. At least there’s aircon.”

  I couldn’t help it. I burst out laughing. It took all my concentration to cover my mouth with my hand to control it. “You look smart this morning.”

  Smart. Sexy. Panty-melting. They were interchangeable, right?

  He sighed, tugging at the lapel of his suit jacket. “Work won today. I have to go and introduce myself and head up a big meeting. Easier said than done when you have to get kids to daycare first.”

  “I can’t find shoeeeees!” Ellie screamed. “Ewi stole them!”

  “I did not!” Eli shouted back. “You won’t give me my dinosaur!”

  “You can had it when you give me my shoes!”

  I slid my eyes toward the living room where World War Three was apparently starting. “Wow. That’s fun.”

  “Don’t,” Brantley groaned. “Eleanor, give Elijah the dinosaur. Elijah, return your sister’s shoes to her right now, or you go without the dinosaur and without shoes! You have two minutes!”

  “Shoeless. Pulling out the big guns,” I noted.

  “Desperate times call for desperate measures. Which is why I’ll be buying whiskey on my way home from work for my coffee next time I have to go in to the office,” he added, stalking into the front room. “Elijah.”

  “I don’t had her shoes!” Eli yelled. “She put them under the coffee table!”

  I bit the inside of my cheek. Ha!

  Ellie narrowed her eyes. “No, I didn’t!”

  Brantley sighed and got on his knees.

  Boy, if I thought his ass was good in jeans and sweats…

  I cleared my throat and looked away.

  “Dinosaur, now.” He demanded.

  I peeked back in time to see Brantley swap the dinosaur for her shoes.

  “Car, Elijah. Now.” He pointed toward the door.

  Eli muttered something about it not being fair because daycare sucked, but he stomped off, storming right past me.

  “You. Shoes.” Brantley gave Ellie a death stare.

  Wordlessly, she put them on, redoing the Velcro four times before she was happy with it.

  “Car, please.” Brantley pointed to the door.

  Ellie stared at him, her head turning as she walked.

  “Sofa!”

  She jumped, moving out of the way of the sofa and walking into it.

  Brantley rubbed his eyes, blowing out a long, slow breath. “I need a nap already.”

  I laughed as he scooted past me and put both kids in the car. All right, I enjoyed the view as he bent over inside the car, too.

  He slammed the door shut. “You hear that? That’s silence. It’ll last for—”

  A muffled scream came from inside the car.

  “That long,” he sighed. He reached inside and grabbed the two backpacks on the floor by the door—plus Ellie’s monkey. “Okay, uh—”

  Another scream.

  “God fucking help me,” he muttered, then met my eyes with a wry smile. “You’ll be done before I get back tonight, but help yourself to coffee or water or what—”

  “Go away!”

  “Go.” I barely managed to keep my laughter inside. “I got it.”

  He smiled gratefully and headed for the car.

  I had no idea how he did it.

  I was covered in pink paint. Honestly, I looked like Barbie had thrown up on me. For whatever reason, today had not been my friend, and today was the reason I never put the flooring in before the paint.

  It was everywhere. Not only had I accidentally stepped into the roller tray, but sometime around lunch, I’d dropped the paintbrush I was using to edge around the ceiling and it had hit me square in the forehead.

  The bristle side of the brush, that is.

  So, there was bubblegum-pink paint on my forehead and in my hair. I was pretty sure it’d managed to drip down beneath my shirt at some point, so my boobs had gotten a makeover, too.

  I hadn’t dared touch Eli’s room. Not that I’d time with The Great Monday Battle of the Paint.

  Driving home barefoot had been a joy, too. The boots I always wore to work had become my most comfortable shoes, and I’d never actually driven barefoot in my life.

  I never wanted to do it again, either.

  I slammed my front door shut behind me and instantly went upstairs to my bathroom. The only thing I wanted was a shower—I needed it, too, since I was supposed to go to my parents’ to see how Dad was getting on with the twins’ beds.

  The hot water was amazing as it beat down on me. I scrubbed and scrubbed until I was red all over and there wasn’t so much as a drop of paint on me.

  It felt so damn good to be clean.

  I stepped out of the shower and wrapped myself in towels. I secured a towel turban on top of my head and killed the water. With the rush of silence as the water shut off came the distant sound of my phone ringing.

  “Shit!” I jumped from the bath rug to the carpeted hallway, o
nly just making it. The last thing I needed right now was to slip and fall on my ass and break a bone.

  I darted down the stairs to where I’d dumped my phone on the hallway side table with my keys. It’d stopped ringing, but I grabbed it anyway and checked the call list.

  Three missed calls: Brantley.

  I frowned.

  That was…overkill.

  I was still staring at my phone when it buzzed violently, following up with a shrieking ring.

  Jesus. I had to turn that volume down.

  Brantley’s name was on the screen, and I swallowed down the mild panic at the number of times he’d tried to call me. Had I done something wrong? Trodden paint through his house?

  I wasn’t sure, but…

  “Hello?” I answered on the fifth ring, only just getting it before it would go over to voicemail.

  “Thank God. Kali?” He was rushed—his tone tight, frustrated, helpless.

  “Yeah. Is something wrong? I have a bunch of missed calls from you.”

  “Yes. No. I need your help—do you know anyone who would be able to get the twins for me?” he said quickly, almost too quickly.

  I clutched my towel at my chest. “Whoa, whoa. Slow down. Why do you need someone to get the twins?”

  The line crackled as he exhaled heavily. “My meeting got pushed back. The other company was flying in from out of state, and their flight got delayed. We’re almost done, but it’s rush hour and I’ll never get back to town on time to get them.”

  Crap.

  “Can’t Summer keep them a little longer?”

  “No. Something about her grandparents coming to town for her parents’ anniversary dinner or she would.”

  Double crap.

  “You’re the only other person I know. Can you think of anyone?”

  I nibbled the inside of my lip. It stung slightly, and I thought of how I’d have to explain this one to my parents without my mom getting ideas…

  “I can get them,” I said before I could change my mind. “They know me, right? I know where the spare key is. I can take them home.”

  “Are you sure? Fuck, no, Kali. I can’t ask you to do this.”

  “You’re not asking me. I’m offering. You’ll be what, an hour? Two?”

  “Two if I’m lucky.” He paused. “How soon can you be there?”

  “Uhh…” I pulled my phone away from my ear and checked the time. “At least half an hour. I was in the shower when you called.”

  Silence for a moment.

  “Brantley?”

  “Sorry. Someone yelled at me.”

  Hmm. I smelled bullshit.

  “Half an hour should be fine. Jesus, Kali. Thank you so much.”

  “It’s not a problem,” I replied. “I’ll head over there as soon as I can, okay?”

  “Thank you. Hey—there’s ground beef in the fridge. I was going to make them spaghetti…” He trailed off.

  “Stop panicking. Aside from the fact Eli barely speaks to me, I’m sure I can manage for two hours.”

  He laughed, albeit a bit nervously. “Keep that confidence. You’ll need it.”

  “Reassuring,” I said dryly, heading upstairs. “Call Summer. Don’t panic. I got this.”

  “Brave woman.” Then, he clicked off the line.

  I stopped at the top of the stairs.

  What the hell was I doing?

  Brantley: Summer has spare car seats and she’ll fit them. I’m trying to get out of here.

  Me: I told you. I got this.

  And I did. Summer was fitting those seats in the back of my truck as I texted him back. I tried not to put his panic into a box that said he didn’t trust me, because he had to know they’d be safe with me.

  Whether I’d be safe with them was another matter entirely.

  No, he wasn’t panicking because he didn’t trust me. He was panicking because he didn’t want to be that person who imposed on another.

  Hell, I’d already lied to my parents.

  No, it’s fine, I’d said. Just something in work that I have to deal with. I’ll come by tomorrow, I’d promised.

  Something else I would do tomorrow would be to get back to basics. Just do their rooms. Not help him. Show up after he’d left and leave before he got home where I could.

  I had to put some distance between myself and this family, because as I watched the twins grin as Summer ushered them over to my truck, my heart softened.

  I was getting a little attached to these adorable kids, and it was no wonder. They fought like cat and dog, but they were the sweetest things.

  Yeah, shit. I needed distance. Soon.

  “Kawi! Where’s Daddy?” Ellie bounded up to me and hugged my legs.

  Awkwardly, I patted her shoulder. “Daddy’s stuck at work, so I’d said I’d take you home and make you spaghetti. Is that okay?”

  She nodded enthusiastically, eyes sparkling with a larger than life grin on her face. “Yes! Are we going in your big car?”

  “Sure are. Miss Summer put seats in the back for you. See?” I pointed. “Climb up and over.”

  Ellie examined the height of the truck for a moment. Then, she cocked a leg, put her foot on the door, and tried to heave herself up.

  Summer burst into laughter. “Come here, chickee. You’re never getting yourself in there.” She left Eli standing on the edge of the grass and helped give Ellie a foot-up into my truck. “Eli?” she said, turning back to him. “Come on, sweetie. I’ll help you into Kali’s truck.”

  Silently, he walked over and waited for Summer to lift him up and into his seat. She did the straps that went over his arms, clipped him in, then shut the door and went to do Ellie’s seat, too.

  I swallowed hard.

  The gravity of the situation weighed down on me quickly and heavily.

  I have no idea how to look after two children.

  I mean, I’d known that before I’d agreed, but it seemed like a good idea until they were in my car. Now, I was actually in charge of them, and Jesus—I couldn’t keep a house plant alive!

  How did I keep children alive?

  Two hours, but still.

  A lot could happen in two hours.

  Like regret.

  Summer half-smiled as she came back around to my side of the car. “You’re regretting this already, aren’t you?”

  “Let’s say I agreed before I’d thought it through and leave it at that,” I said warily. “I don’t have the tiniest clue how to look after kids.”

  She laughed, a tiny, tinkly giggle that made me jealous of the fact I tended to snort more often than not when I laughed. “Don’t worry,” she said, tucking her bright, blond hair behind her ears. “You’ll be fine. They know you, right? Ellie’s done nothing but talk about you all day long.”

  Oh, boy.

  “She has?”

  “You sound alarmed.”

  “I am.” I laughed nervously, glancing in my truck. Ellie bobbed her head from side to side, singing something I couldn’t make out. Eli sat quietly, poking the spots on his dinosaur one-by-one. His lips moved, but if he was counting out loud, I couldn’t hear it over his sister’s din.

  Summer’s smile became a wide grin. “He’s a cutie, isn’t he? Shy as anything, though. They’re total opposites to say they’re twins.”

  I nodded in agreement. “If he says anything above a whisper to me today, I’ll count it as a win.”

  More laughter. She touched my arm. “You’ll be fine. Honestly, have a little faith in yourself, Kali. You’ll do perfectly.”

  “Have fun at dinner tonight.”

  She beamed. “Thanks! Have fun with those sweethearts!”

  I smiled.

  Honestly, I think it came out more alarmed than anything else. If she was referring to them as sweethearts, they’d obviously snapped out of this mornings’ dreadful mood.

  I got into the truck and started the engine. “Right. Ready to go?”

  “Woohoo!” Ellie threw her arms in the air. “Yes! Wet’s go!”
/>
  Eli nodded, a move I saw in my rearview mirror.

  I took a deep breath and pulled away.

  And said a little prayer we’d all make it to bedtime without anyone getting hurt.

  Chapter 12

  “Okay, no.” I waved my arms. Literally waved them. I imagined I looked like a baby bird trying to fly for the first time. “We’re not fighting over the remote control.”

  They both swiveled their heads toward me. Their expressions were identical—wide eyes, parted mouths, red cheeks.

  God, it was so weird.

  “It’s been twenty minutes. We’re not fighting already. I’m trying to cook. So, here’s what we’ll do. We’ll pick a show everybody likes, and then I’ll look after the remote.” I plucked the controller from their hands.

  Or…I tried to.

  What really happened was that I wrestled it.

  I’m not proud of that.

  Several tugs and gentle chops on their wrists later, I managed to extract the remote from their surprisingly-tight grips and held it up high.

  “Okay,” I said slowly, going to the TV guide and finding the ‘Kids’ section. “What are we watching?”

  “Sofia!” Ellie shouted.

  “No, Twansformers!” Eli yelled at her.

  “No, Sofia!”

  “No, Twansformers!”

  Help. Someone help.

  “Well, you can’t both watch different shows,” I talked over them. “You have sixty seconds to agree on a show I’ll read out to you before I make a choice for you. Deal?”

  They both grumbled about it.

  “Okay. There is Sofia the First, Peppa Pig, Calliou—”

  “We’re not awowed to watch Cawiou,” Eli said softly. “Daddy said he’s naughty.”

  Ellie nodded enthusiastically. “Daddy said Cawiou is a little shit.”

  I froze.

  Did she just—

  I choked back a mixture of shock and laugh. “Well, Daddy is very naughty, too. That’s a bad word, Ellie, and you shouldn’t repeat that.”

  “It is?”

  “Yes. It’s only for grown-ups.”

  “Can I say it when I’m firteen?”