Barbara was a mixture of sadness and anger, her opportunity of a grandchild had been ripped from her clutches and the reasons for how that came about and what that tramp had done to Jonas made her rage. Barbara told me that the disappointment he was feeling was long gone and had been replaced by hatred.
Some seven weeks had passed since that one night and I was slowly beginning to push it to the back of my mind. Thinking about it had my emotions warring, it made me angry, sad and upset but a lot of time it made me horny. Sexually, it was still the best experience I’d ever had and I relived it many nights but with my vibrator for company.
Chris decided to have a late summer BBQ at the ranch, he rang to invite me and told me he wasn’t taking no for answer. If I wasn’t there, he was coming to get me, he also said that he hadn’t asked Jonas, he knew he had some stuff on, so I was good to come and enjoy myself. I couldn’t let him down, he'd done so much for me, it had been a while since I'd seen all of the crew together and if I was trying to get back into my normal world life then this was something I had to do. Jonas may be dead to me but everyone else wasn’t. I agreed to drive and picked up the other girls, alcohol still wasn’t on my to do list, at all.
A couple of hours in and we were having our usual girl chat whilst the boys were standing to attention at the grill. The discussion moved to Tits and her non-baby and we started to openly talk about who we thought would be the first to have kids and settle down in our group. I was about to shout ‘not me’ when I had the biggest rude awakening moment ever. I’d missed my period completely last month. I mentally did some calculations whilst the others were babbling on and nausea or rather panic started to get a grip of me. Jonas and I hadn’t used any protection and I wasn’t on birth control pills. My sex life wasn’t solid enough to warrant it. Neely and her keen eye noticed the change in me, “You OK Dolly?” she asked.
“I’m not feeling well again, I think I need to go home and sleep,” I replied.
“Come on, I’ll get you home, but I think we need to get you a doctor’s appointment soon, you’re not getting better and you’re starting to lose weight,” she said.
Flo and Lottie agree to get a cab home, but I could see they were worried for me. Neely and I said goodnight to everyone and made our way home.
“Dolly, I just need to run and check something over at my apartment, you head in; I’ll be over in a minute and get you settled OK?” she says as she disappears into her apartment.
“No need, I’ll be fine,” I said. I needed space and I needed it now, I had to calculate and recalculate as well as go back to Google and see if there was some other rare and complex disease or explanation I’d missed. There had to be something else, anything!
“OK,” she agreed and we went our separate ways. I hit the couch in my apartment and sat motionless trying to rationalize what could be going on. I’d not been sitting there too long when I heard a key being inserted in the lock on the door, as I turned around Neely came in holding a brown paper bag.
“I used your emergency key so get over it; you know why I’m here.”
“I told you, I’m tired and the meat smell from the BBQ sent me a bit funny,” I tell her.
“Bullshit, this is me you're talking too. Is there a chance you could be pregnant?” she asks. I didn’t know how to answer this, but my hesitation and then lack of an actual answer seemed to confirm I was giving it serious consideration. “Come on, let’s go and see,” she says shaking the paper bag at me. Bravely I head for the bathroom, pee in a cup and then bring it back out.
“Shit, gross Dolly, why didn’t you just pee on the stick?”
“I didn’t want to pee all over my hand,” I reply as she dips the stick in the cup of fluid. I don’t watch and I certainly don't look at the stick as Neely reads the instructions.
I’m fairly sure I already know what the answer will be.
I don’t need to take this test and with my luck lately there is only one possible answer so I head in to the kitchen to fake being busy.
“Results are in,” she shouts, “do you want me to look for you?”
“Yep,” my answer is short and stressed.
“OK Dolly, not sure whether this is the answer you want but...” When she doesn’t continue I turn around and see that she’s holding the test up and clear as day is the word PREGNANT in the little window of doom. I consider asking her to check the result again but there are no + or – signs or single or double lines to misinterpret. The word is pretty conclusive.
Fuck.
Now I’m well and truly up shit creek, but only because I know how I feel about terminations, having one is out of the question, I totally don’t agree with them. It looks like I’m going to be a mom and my baby’s daddy has already had this trick pulled on once, he won’t be happy, but never mind, there is no future for us, he said it and I’ve declared he’s dead to me.
What a fucking mess.
Neely has left me to my thoughts for a little bit and I assume she’s waiting for panic to set in “What are we thinking Dolly?” she asks.
“Firstly, we tell no one,” this I am certain about.
“OK, silly question, but is it his?”
“Yes,” I may as well get used to admitting that.
“I’m going to be honest, I’m waiting for some kind of extreme reaction here Dolly, should I hide the alcohol, pills and sharp knives?” I laugh back at her, but there is nothing funny about this at all.
“I’m terrified, but I can do this Neely. I can be everything to this baby and give it the life and childhood I didn’t have until Barbara saved me. Being a single parent is a shitter but people do it all the time. Let’s look at the facts, as serious as this is I’m not dying, no one else I love is dying and at least now we understand why I've been feeling so bad. But one thing is for sure, I will do this.”
“What about Jonas? He’ll want his baby in his life,” asking the question she’s been desperate to ask since she saw the word on the pee stick.
“I’m not ready for him to know yet and when I decide the time is right, I’ll tell him. He can be a father to his baby, but I’m doing this without him, he won’t feel any obligation to me and I don't want or need anything from him apart from his commitment as a parent, he cannot float in and out of a child’s life because it’s not fair, so he’ll either be in it as I agree or out of it completely.”
“Should I be worried that you’re not panicking?” she asks.
“I’m not panicking because I’ve realized I’m not going to be alone. I have someone who will love me with no conditions or drama.” As I finish the sentence I realize that this reason makes perfect sense to me and I've never been more certain of anything else in my life. I am completely capable of giving this baby everything it needs. I will be the one he or she depends on and I will the best possible mother I can be.
“Barbara is going to be a grandma, I mean once she gets over the shock, but she’ll head into extreme fuss mode pretty quickly.”
“Yeah, that’s also another conversation I’m not ready to have yet, but first things first, I need that doctor’s appointment, I haven’t been well or taking care of myself and I’m a bit worried about all that booze I put away.”
“I’m sure it’ll be fine, but it’s a sensible plan so we’ll check it out,” she says.
“We?”
“Hell yeah, you’re not in this alone,” she says smiling and coming over to give me a hug. I love this girl and even if we shared the same blood and were true sisters, we wouldn’t be any closer than we already are.
“Thanks Neely. Love you girl.”
“Love you too,” she replies.
That night is the first where I fall asleep without feeling utter dread. I’m apprehensive about the unknown but as I lay there with my hand on my tummy I tell myself I’ll be fine.
I can do this.
I will always love my baby and always, always want them. With that I fall asleep knowing that everyday my life is going to be different no
w, and I can’t wait.
Chapter Eighteen
After the discovery of my news I made an appointment at the doctors office who confirmed my impending arrival. It was real. We had some discussions around my recent stress levels, nutrition problems, my Jonas coping mechanism and as a result he recommended I go for an ultrasound to ensure that things were as they should be.
Neely came with me and I’m glad she did, it wasn’t the most pleasant experience because they performed an internal ultrasound to achieve a more detailed set of results. I was a brave girl when the nurse came at me with a twelve inch vibrator looking stick covered in a condom and lube and said “Just relax.” For a while everything was quiet, I couldn’t see the screen at first but after a few minutes she turned it around so I could see a picture that resembled the 1950’s moon landing.
“Things all look perfectly normal Miss Frobisher; there is however, some news you may or may not have been expecting,” the nurse tells us whilst watching me freeze on the spot and Neely lean in to provide a comforting hand. Sensing my panic the nurse hurries the speech along “Are there any twins in either yours or the father’s family? This little thing here is baby one and this is baby two. You’re carrying twins, congratulations!”
“Holy Shit!” was all I could say whilst Neely burst out laughing, I was beginning to think the universe was out to get me. The nurse printed me a picture of peanut one and two and then an underwater bumping noise filled the room, my eyes welled up as I realized this was their hearts beating.
I could hear the hearts of my babies. Totally freaking amazing.
She told me that they were both beating strong and that she’d like to see me back in four weeks for another check up.
As the weeks went by my sickness abated, it was still random, but I just went with it, I also noticed my body changing. My waist was getting thicker, my hair was growing rapidly and I looked like I’d had a boob job.
The doctor has also explained to me about the twelve week threshold, he explained that many women can miscarry before twelve weeks whilst the babies are trying to get established in the womb. I didn’t want to jinx things so I decided to wait until this marker before I told anyone else. I know I should have told Jonas, but I didn’t feel the desire too, because I didn’t need anything from him, so what did it matter if he knew now or when the babies came. At least this is the reasoning I kept telling myself, Neely however, felt differently and it was the one thing we argued about. In the end though, she respected my wishes and let me be.
Slowly my appetite came back, but my body and my peanuts still told me strongly if there was something they didn’t want me to eat.
At twelve weeks I had another ultrasound and my peanuts were starting to grow and take shape. It was like watching a magic show unfold on the screen and even though the unknown was still daunting, I was positive I could do this and be everything my peanuts needed. With this milestone out of the way and my body expanding by the day, I knew it was getting harder to hide under baggy and boring clothes so I made the decision to tell Barbara and Harrison. Telling them this and not being in a committed relationship was going to be tough. My usual visits to see them had been infrequent using work as an excuse but that was as much to do with not wanting to bump into Jonas as it was my expanding waistline and family situation.
“Hi Barbara, how are you? Are you in today? I thought I could come over and see you.”
“I’ve no plans dear, just head over when you’re ready. Dolly...have you seen Jonas lately?” she asks tentatively.
“No Barbara,” I reply without asking her why which is rare for me, she knows this.
“Oh OK, just wondered, never mind, see you when you get here love,” she says and we hang up.
Around 2pm I head over and I’m worried that she’ll notice the change in my body and guess before I can tell her, so I choose a top that’s gathered around the middle but looks baggy. The ultrasound pictures feel like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode in my purse and I’m nervous about doing this but I owe it to her as my mother figure, she should hear it first and definitely not in the supermarket from Dilys.
I’ve been here for about an hour and I’m nervous as hell, Harrison is out in the yard or shed doing stuff and I decide to suck it up and get on with it, tell her first and then refine my method for Harrison depending on how she deals with it.
“Barbara can you sit down for a minute?” I ask.
“I wondered when you were going to get round to it.” Err what! She can’t know, there’s no way she can know and I’m lost for words. “I’ll start then shall I? I always knew how you felt about him but I couldn’t let it happen while you were still so young and wards in my care...”
“What? Barbara, I don’t...”
“Let me finish Dolly, I always thought you’d get over him once he left. I think I underestimated how much you felt and how much of an old soul you were. That boy was so good at hiding his feelings that I never spotted that he felt the same. I want you to know that I, well, Harrison and I always thought we’d made the best decision for the both of you. But seeing that boy when he came back, knowing he'd left the navy for you...,”she says on a roll.
“What? Barbara, I didn’t come here for this...”
“I just needed you to know this and also that he’s a stubborn man who’s stuck in his own head a lot of the time. I know you don’t need it, but you have my permission. If you want him, go get him,” she says pleased with her herself.
“What? Barbara, listen to me,” I’m getting frustrated and my voice is getting louder. “I didn’t come here to talk about this, I came here to tell you I’m pregnant. I’m having a baby, well two actually, you’re going to be a grandma and I’m having twins!” I finish on a shout and release the large breath I’ve been holding. As I finish shouting this news at her the door shuts behind me and there in the room is a speechless Harrison and a dumbstruck Jonas.
Chapter Nineteen
Well that didn’t go according to plan.
My actual plan was to not tell him for a while, or like ever.
I was quite content sticking my head in the sand like the proverbial ostrich about this one. I didn’t want to have this conversation with her in front of him, but it didn’t look like he was going to be capable of moving anytime soon.
“Dolly dear, are you sure?” Oh Barbara.
“Yes, I’m sure, I’m sorry it came out like that, but I didn’t want you to hear it from anyone else.” I’m not looking at Jonas or in his direction as I answer her, it needs to be clear to him that he’s off the hook as far as this is concerned. Harrison who was speechless and doing a goldfish impression now chips in with “Are you OK? I didn’t even realize you were in a relationship, is the father around, are you going to do right by these kids and raise them as a family?”
I tip my head to the floor because I’m disappointed that they think I can’t do this.
“Harrison, I know you're disappointed...” I start.
“No Dolly, it’s not that. It’s not going to be easy, shit a single mom is hard enough but two will be a struggle,” he explains. I can tell from his face he’s not disappointed, he’s genuinely concerned about how I’ll manage.
“I’m going to be a grandma!” Oh hello, the news has sunk in at Barbara’s end. “Admittedly your delivery skills of life changing news suck, but I’m going to be a grandma!” She’s got tears in her eyes and a big smile on her face, she looks genuinely happy.
“Yeah, well, sorry Barbara, you were off on a conversation tangent and I needed to get it out there.” Reaching into my purse I get the pictures, “Here’s a couple of ultrasound photos for you. Thank you for not shouting or making me feel bad, I know this isn’t ideal or what you wanted for me, but I can do this. Me and my peanuts will be just fine on our own,” I finish quietly, I’m still conscious of the sperm donor in the room.
“Dalton...Are they mine?” Everyone in the room freezes and then starts shouting new questions all at once. I don�
�t answer him. I still haven’t acknowledged he’s in the room. Barbara continues to cluck like a hen firing questions at a machine gun pace and Harrison is doing his best to shut her up. Interestingly though he doesn’t seem surprised by the possibility that Jonas and I may have gotten together, does this mean he knew?
The penny suddenly drops and it’s clear who’s been Jonas’s confidant.
“Dalton. I want an answer. Are the babies mine?” he asks again and I’m scared about how he’ll take the news.
“Yes. They are. But I don’t want anything from you. You can be a father to them, I would never keep you away or deny you that, but otherwise I don’t need you, I can do this alone. I am doing this alone.” I look at him as I finish my speech because I need him to see I’m serious about this.
“But...” Barbara starts and Harrison steps in to stop her from completing her sentence. Jonas doesn’t reply or hasn’t commented on anything he’s heard since I confirmed he was the father and the speech I just made hasn’t prompted him to comment either.
“I think you two should to talk,” Harrison surmises, quickly reading the situation.
“No not really. What’s done is done, there is nothing to talk about anyway. Barbara, I just wanted you and Harrison to know, I’ll leave you to it and talk to you later.” I say as I lean in and kiss them both, leaving them with the peanut pictures, without looking at Jonas I walk around him and leave. When I get to my car I realize I’m shaking, but relieved it’s out in the open and even though I didn’t plan to tell him yet, I’ve killed two birds with one stone. Driving away, disappointment starts to creep in. He was so adamant about being involved in his other fake baby, yet not with me, he didn’t say anything, protest about my decision and hasn’t followed me like I assumed he would. Never mind, at least I know how he truly feels.
That was the last I saw or heard of Jonas for a while.
Our paths just never seemed to cross.
Fostering Love (The Soul Sisters Series Book 1) Page 18