He could hear whispering, lots of it. What kind of relationship advice could my three-year-old possibly be giving right now? he thought to himself before letting out a long, frustrated sigh. He just froze there like a statue, trying to think of what to say, contemplating every possible scenario, which ranged from a slap across the face to a wedding in Cancun.
“You know, Daddy never makes me sad,” he heard Ava say. Rubbing it in her face much? That’s my little girl! It never occurred to him how much Ava truly loved him but then he spotted her peering at him a bunch of times, her eyes so full of life, their blue hue carrying all sorts of emotional currents. Kade felt like he was drowning in his daughter’s eyes. Bria whispered something back but he couldn’t hear it; Are you ladies done with your chit chat? He stared out the broken glass window instead.
There wasn’t much to look at besides a bunch of kids playing basketball downstairs, but they didn’t go to Ava’s school. They were playing in the street, passing what looked like a sockball to each other, breaking the first rule of basketball because the ball didn’t bounce off the ground. Kade watched them attentively, eventually drowning out everything else. Bri and Ava’s conversation faded into the background and all he could think of were those boys, skidding across the floor with their worn out shoes, hugging themselves every now and again to keep warm.
Kade felt grateful. A couple of years from now, when she was old enough to play sports, he said he would buy her a basketball and a soccer ball and a pair of ballet shoes. He said he would buy her the world because she deserved it. Kade must’ve heard Bri sniffing a couple of times and that was when he rose to his feet, went over, and sat next to her. She wouldn’t look at him at first and when he looked closer he saw that her makeup had streamed down her face.
“Well, this is embarrassing,” she said, brushing the hair from her eyes. Meanwhile Ava was waddling around like a not-so-clueless penguin.
“It’s okay,” Kade said, feeling the urge to stroke her hair but refraining from it. Just as he was about to touch it Bria closed her eyes and cocked her head towards him, which gave him the green light to pet her a little. He twirled one golden lock around his index finger, let it go, and then moved on to the one next to it. “How come you never told me any of this?” he asked her.
“Told you what? That you broke my heart?” she said with her head tilted to the side. “I’m sure if you followed me on Twitter at the time you would know that I’ve spent months doing nothing but listen to sad Nickelback songs.”
“No, I mean,” Kade said with his finger raised in the air. “How come you never reached out to me afterwards? You never called, you never texted.”
“It’s because you fucking got married!” Bri said, her eyes fixated on his. “Sorry,” she whispered, covering her mouth with three fingers. “But what was I supposed to do, you tell me? What was I supposed to do?”
To Kade it sounded like a cry for help. He had no idea she was feeling this way. All of a sudden he saw a fierceness in her eyes that he’d never seen before. It was all a part of her, a part that he’d never come across. “You’re right, you’re right,” he said, cupping his right hand and putting it over hers. Her fingers curled a little and it was almost as if he could feel the adrenaline course through her veins.
“I’m pretty sure she’s bored of us,” Bria said, turning to Ava, whose attention had shifted to the boys playing in the street.
“I’m going to spoil her so much,” Kade said, smiling to himself. “I don’t want her to miss out on anything.”
“How could she possibly miss out when she has an awesome dad like you?”
“How are you this good?”
“What do you mean?”
“After all this time, you’re still good to me. You still want me to be happy.”
“Come on, Kade, if you knew me at all you would know that I’m not the type to wish ill upon people.”
“I mean, I never thought you were wishing ill upon me,” he said, squirming in a joking way. Suddenly this reminded him of the way the two of them used to joke in high school. “Doesn’t this remind you of something?” he asked, looking around.
“The stairwell!” she clapped.
Kade was catapulted back to a simpler time, a time when kids used to skip class to make out in stairwells. He and Bri were those kids. “Oh, God. Remember how smelly that place was? I’m pretty sure that was the only spot that Denny the janitor didn’t know even existed.”
“I mean, if he knew it existed he would’ve never left it like this. Do you not remember how spotless our school was?”
“Pretty spotless,” Bri said, nodding solemnly.
She felt like she was in high school again. All that was missing was the occasional cigarette and the fishnet leggings. Back in the day Bri tried so hard to be rebellious but it never really worked out for her. Kade, on the other hand, was your typical bad boy and she’s always found that a bit intimidating.
“I’m sorry, Ari,” Kade said. It had been a while since he last called her that.
“It’s alright, K-dog,” she teased. It had been a while since she last called him that, too. The whole football team called him K-dog but he absolutely hated it when the name caught on and the next thing he knew, everyone, teachers included, were calling him that.
They sat in silence, listening to the sound of the wind and the kids playing. Ava’s laughter echoed across the walls, mimicking the laughter outside. Bria found herself lost in the sounds, the spirals of happiness, and Kade’s eyes. The world around her seemed to slow down, treat her differently than it did the past couple of years. The air felt gentler and her thoughts didn’t bombard her as they used to. This was a moment of peace, one that she appreciated more than anything. The sun peeked above the horizon causing red streaks to cut into the darkening sky. Ava’s brown hair flowed free around her face and a slight smile curved her lips. She had the appearance of someone completely at peace, without a care in the world; a child.
Chapter Twelve
Kade watched Bria watched Ava. It was the most beautiful thing in the world. She looked at her with the concern of a mother, totally fixated on what she was doing, guarding her. Every now and again they would look at each other, smile, and then watch the little girl in unison. For a while all they did was gawk at Ava carefully and exchange whispers about all the cute things she was doing. Kade still felt like he owed Bria an explanation, even though all she did was nod and accept his apology. What an angel, he thought to himself. Just hearing the word “sorry” made her forget about everything, or at least that was what he thought. Bria was probably the most forgiving person he’d ever met; she had a grace about her, a softness of the spirit, a gentle nature, an openness of the soul, and humility.
“I was stupid, you know,” he said, turning to her again. “I was young and weird, Bria. I was young and weird.”
“Oh, I know you were,” she said, raising her eyebrows at him. Then she giggled, like she felt guilty somehow.
“I deserve that,” Kade said, staring at his own two feet.
“Can I ask you a question? And this is going to sound petty,” Bri said, playing with the tips of her hair.
“You can ask me anything.”
“What did you see in her?”
Kade paused and clasped his hands together.
“You know what, you don’t have to answer that,” Bri said, shaking her head from side to side.
“No, no. Let me answer you, I’m just trying to think of the right words to say.”
“I feel like a horrible person. You just lost your wife and I’m here interrogating you about things that happened ten years ago. I’m sorry if I’m like this. Sorry for being horrible.”
“Woah, woah. You’re not horrible,” Kade said, snapping up and looking at her. “You have every right to ask, and I owe you an explanation. I care about you, Ari.” He looked up at the ceiling, like he didn’t know where to start. “Well first of all, we can check off all the conventional excuses, not beca
use they’re fake but because they’re true. I was young and stupid, check. I didn’t know what I wanted, check. I was reckless and immature, also check. I was all of those things, Ari. But I’m a grown man now.” He paused for a moment, trying to gather his thoughts. The last thing he wanted was to sound like he was talking bullshit. “I’m not gonna say I have all the answers, I mean look at me, I really have barely an idea of what I’m doing.” He shrugged and cocked his head towards Ava, who was still distracted. “I’m a single dad, I live with my mom, I barely know how to cook.”
Bria giggled.
“It, it took me two whole months to figure out how to change a diaper. I can barely tell what would be a good cereal to milk ratio … I can go on like this forever!”
“Believe me, you don’t have to,” Bria said. “Although I am finding this quite entertaining.”
Kade’s laughter was always a kind laughter. It was the sound of his soul, something that came when the smile of his eyes overflew into the air. Bria marveled at his eyes, only to be reminded every now and again that she needed to keep it together, that this wasn’t high school anymore.
As Kade spoke Bria couldn’t help but stare at his lips. The truth was, all she wanted right now was to kiss him, to have him hold her in his arms. But she waited, she waited for him to explain himself so she could finally be at peace.
“Anyway, I don’t have it all figured out, but I can promise you that I’m better than before. I’m not the kind of guy that gets married on a whim, or just because his girlfriend’s father wanted him to.”
“You got married on a whim?” Bria asked.
“Yeah, I guess you can say that,” he said. “Scarlett’s father was very … conservative. As soon as her and I graduated college he started pushing me to propose and she acted as if she didn’t know.”
“How did you feel about it?” At that point Bria didn’t care about prying. She just wanted to know the truth, the whole truth. Suddenly she felt obsessed, but for the first time ever, she didn’t care. It was liberating, feeling like you had nothing to lose.
“I felt trapped,” he spat. “I felt like my life was going by too fast, that I was making all of these decisions despite myself. I didn’t choose any of this, all of this was done for me.” He stared into space for a while, as if coming to terms with everything, reaching his own conclusions and making peace with the world. “And I was really close with her father, too. It was almost like she had reeled me in and I was too caught up to hit the brakes on everything.”
Bria nodded. All she could do right now was listen. She didn’t want to interrupt Kade because she felt like this was a moment of reflection for him, in fact, most of the time it sounded like he was speaking to himself rather than to anybody else.
“And then one day he came up to me and he was like, “We need to talk, son,” and that was when I knew shit had gotten real. I thought his daughter wanted to leave me but it turned out she wanted to marry me, instead.”
Bria uncrossed her arms and shifted in her place. Kade was caught up with his story, weaving his way through the events, reliving them as though they had just happened. She wondered how that made him feel. Deep down she hoped he wouldn’t get to the part where his wife dies, but she felt as though she had no control over the words that were now rolling off his tongue and exploding into the world.
“And how did that make you feel?” Bria asked, despite herself.
“I was conflicted,” Kade said. “See, I had no reason to say no. The two of us had been together for years; we went to high school together, we went to college together, we even moved in together. This woman knew me inside out and I knew her. And yet a part of me yearned for something different. But I pushed those feelings down the way you would when you’re trying to drown someone.” He paused and looked up again. “Not that I’ve tried to do that before.”
Bria had no choice but to nod. She knew more was coming, she just had to sit there and take it.
“I’m really good at convincing myself, so I said yes. That’s something that I learned never to do again. Never try to convince yourself if something doesn’t feel right. But what can I say? I was stupid and reckless.”
“And young?” Bria said, rather mockingly.
“And young,” Kade replied. “The wedding was nice, and for a while I was happy. But as the years dragged on something started to feel wrong again. It was like all those feelings were resurfacing again, sort of like a little kid tapping at my window every morning reminding me that something was horribly wrong, that I had made a mistake.”
Ava waved at the kids. They waved back at her and resumed playing.
“I remember for a month straight, I would sit up in bed and just watch Scarlett sleep. That was my window to feel something, anything, but it never happened. It sounds stupid now but I would go hours just staring at her, staring at her bare shoulders, staring at her freckled skin, waiting for feel something. Waiting for all this love to come flooding in.”
Bria thought he spoke in poetry. She didn’t know Kade was this eloquent, she didn’t know it at all. The world slowed down even more and everything else seemed to swim out of focus. She felt like a therapist now, listening to every word he had to say, asking him how it made him feel. She was always wary of becoming someone’s therapist. “Women weren’t made to fix men,” her mother would always say. “A man needs to fix himself first and only then can he come back to you.” Bria thought long and hard about her words and began to wonder if Kade was a broken man that needed fixing. But it wasn’t long until that thought dissipated, faded into thin air in favor of all those memories she had with him.
“Then one day I woke up,” he said, leaning forward in his seat. “And I decided to leave her.”
“Oh.”
“I crept down the stairs and prepared myself. I thought about what I was gonna say, I even wrote it down. She was alone in the kitchen, so I went up to her, kissed her on the cheek and sat down at the table.”
To Bria it sounded like Kade had been plotting a murder. She stared at him, wide-eyed, waiting for what was going to happen next.
“She was making breakfast. I remember she asked me questions but I never answered her and then finally she turned to me. “You’re still asleep, aren’t you?” she asked me. “Well, I need you to be awake for this.””
“Scarlett,” I said. “I-” But then she pounced on me like a tigress and kissed me wildly; I didn’t remember her kissing me with so much passion in a long time. “I have news for you,” she said, and I braced myself. Deep down I was hoping she’d break up with me and that this would be our last kiss. “I’m pregnant.”
Kade felt his heart sink as his story came to a finish. He was still staring somewhere far away, almost like he was disconnected from everything and everyone. He knew Bri was looking at him, anticipating his next word, waiting for more, but then he fell silent and exhaled so hard that he felt his lungs shrivel up and die. He felt like he’d been running a marathon and that he had just reached the finish line. It was a tough marathon, the toughest one he’d ever had to run, but he made it. “You know, I’ve never told anyone that story,” he said, his voice boiling down to a hoarse whisper. “It’s been eating at me for years now, gnawing at my insides.”
“Well, doesn’t it feel good to let it all out?” Bria asked him, but his face remained frozen.
“I don’t know,” he said, shaking his head slowly. Whenever he thought back to that day, all he remembered was the anguish that he felt at the news of her pregnancy. “You know what it felt like? It felt like I had no way out of this, that I would be stuck for years and years.”
Bria frowned and averted her gaze to the window again.
“I hope you understand that I’m not a horrible person. I fell in love with Scarlett and our family all over again when Ava was born.” He brought his hands together and squeezed his eyes shut. “But then a year later, everything changed, everything fell apart. My relationship with Scarlett was a work in progress, and when
she died, I felt like a part of me died with her.”
Bria’s eyes started swelling up with tears, then she started crying. It was more than crying, it was the kind of desolate sobbing that comes from a person drained of all hope. The pain that flowed from her was as palpable as the frigid fall wind and soon the only person at her side was Kade, struggling to keep his tears silent, looking up to the watery skies and clouds beyond. She didn’t know why she was sobbing but all she knew was that her chest was heavy with feelings she never thought she had. All of a sudden she glanced up at Kade, her eyes wide and teary, and then she held his face in her hands.
“I love you,” she said against all expectation. Then, without thinking, she leaned in and pressed her lips to his. She felt his body loosen and his arms touch her shoulders. This time it was different. It wasn’t like one of those close-mouthed kisses like you do when you’re in high school and you’ve never been with anyone before. It was full on, open-mouthed, passionate. And Bria loved it. She loved the way her small body melted into Kade’s. The way their lips fit like two puzzle pieces. The way she relented as he played with her hair and held her tighter and tighter. When they broke away after what seemed like ages she looked at him.
“Wow,” he said, almost like he was in denial. “What was that?”
Bria chuckled beneath the salty tears. “What was what?”
Kade leaned in and kissed her again. “That.”
“What about it?” Bria asked.
“It was,” he kissed her again. “Amazing.”
Bria heard something in the background, almost like clapping, and when she turned around she realized Ava had been cheering. “Hey there, little girl!” she said, reaching her hand out to her. “Come here, join us!”
Ava waddled in their direction and they took her in their arms. Bria felt the heat rush to her cheeks and radiate through to her limbs. It wasn’t that cold anymore; the clouds had drifted away and the air felt somewhat warm. The kids outside had quieted down and the world fell silent. Kade took Ari’s hand and squeezed it and despite all that’d been happening, all the confusion, she felt home.
Second Chances Page 10