by Kat T. Masen
Seven
Amelia
We stand inside the dorm room, the last of my boxes placed on the wooden floor.
“It brings back memories,” Mom confesses, her eyes wandering around the room fondly. “I stayed in this very room.”
“Are you sure? They all look similar.”
“There are some things you never forget,” she tells me with a smile, then points to the room on the left. “By the way, that’s the room where I caught your Aunt Nikki and Uncle Rocky, naked, my first day here.”
I screw up my mouth, folding my arms as if it will shield me from the unwanted memory.
“Thank God I chose the other one. Though I’m sure you have stories you could tell. College years, aren’t they supposed to be the best years of your life?”
Mom takes a seat on the small tan sofa. “Everyone is different. For me, I was learning how to overcome trauma. I used studying as a coping mechanism, so dating and parties were the least of my priorities.”
I sit beside her, leaning my head on her shoulder, something I’ll miss dearly.
“You never did explain what happened back then, aside from you and Dad spending time apart.”
Mom releases a sigh, and perhaps I have pushed her too much, though I often find myself curious about what really happened.
“We were young. Well, I was young. Your dad and I started something when I was in my senior year, and he was married, just out of college. It didn’t end well, and it really broke me.”
“Of course, you loved him, right?”
Mom’s lips curve upward, an endearing smile gracing her entire face whenever she’s asked about her love for her husband. I often wonder if I give the same expression when I speak about Austin.
“I’ve always loved your father, but I was young and foolish with my desires and intentions. What we had, or shall I say did, wasn’t sustainable. We parted ways, and years later, I guess fate chose to bring us back together.”
Fate is something I’ve read about in romance novels, yet I’m not convinced there’s such a thing. If fate is real, why didn’t Austin and I end up in closer schools? What purpose is it to have us hours apart?
“I love Austin,” I admit with a lowered voice. “But I know this will be hard.”
“Love isn’t easy, Amelia. And the stronger and deeper the love, the harder it will test you. How else will you know if that person is worth fighting for unless you put it to the test?”
“Is that what happened with you and Dad?”
“Gosh, kid, your dad and I have been tested in ways you couldn’t possibly imagine.”
“Mom…” I whisper, twisting my hands nervously. “I slept with Austin.”
My mom sits silently beside me, only her shallow breaths heard between us. We’ve always been close, and Mom never makes me feel uneasy to the point that I can’t be honest or ask questions whenever I’m unsure.
“I knew it would happen, it was inevitable, and Austin is a good boy.”
“Are you upset with me?”
“Oh, honey.” She places her arm around me, allowing me to rest my face on her chest. “Nothing you do will upset me. I love you unconditionally. You’re an adult now, and having sex is part of being an adult. Just be safe, that’s all I’ll say. I love you, but I’m not exactly ready to be a grandmother.” She chuckles softly.
“I went on the pill a few months ago,” I admit, slightly apprehensive. “I just want to be a lawyer like you. I’m not here to party or sleep with random men. This is the time to focus on studying.”
“Don’t forget to have a little fun. It’s all part of a rounded college experience.”
A noise startles us at the door. We both turn our heads and see a girl with tight auburn curls thrown to the side of her face as she drags in two large pink suitcases.
“Oh, hey.” She smiles, her mouth widening with two evident dimples gracing her face. “You must be my roommate. I’m Liesel.”
I stand up to greet her. “I’m Amelia, and this is my mom, Charlie.”
“Nice to meet you both,” she says, out of breath.
“Do you need help?”
“I’m good, I think. I found some cute boys at the entrance, and they offered to bring the rest of my stuff in.”
As Liesel finishes off her sentence, three guys drag boxes, a trunk, another two suitcases, and a surfboard. I turn to look at Mom for answers, but she shrugs her shoulders in confusion just like me.
“Thanks, guys, I’ll catch you later tonight.”
Liesel closes the door, sitting down on the trunk, letting out a long-winded breath. We wait quietly for her to catch her bearings until she raises her hand to her chest. “I’m sorry, I know I have a lot of stuff.”
“It’s fine, but um… why the surfboard?”
“How much time do you have? Let’s just say that I left a boyfriend behind. He’s from Australia, and well, this,” she points to the surfboard, “… belonged to him.”
“Okay, makes sense.” I nod. “But wouldn’t it have been easier to leave it at home?”
“My parents are moving to Hong Kong. So, it was either dump it or take it. I didn’t have the heart to dump it just yet. What if Flynn is the love of my life? Maybe we’ll get back together, and I’ll regret my decision to discard what was supposed to be a romantic gift? I could mess with the universe.”
That was a lot to take in, and beside me, I could see Mom is trying to keep a straight face.
“Well, listen, girls, I probably should let you both get settled.”
My eyes fall upon my hands with an empty stare, a heavy weight on my chest soon following. This moment was bound to happen. I have to say goodbye at some point.
Liesel excuses herself to her room, leaving Mom and me to say goodbye.
“I… I um…” I stammer, unable to clear my throat. “I’ll miss you, Mom.”
Grabbing both my hands, Mom squeezes them tight, her vision clouded. This is one of those moments you watch in movies but never realize the depth of emotions that play a part in such a goodbye. Leaving my sisters and even my dad has been hard. Closing the door to my bedroom, the same room which holds so many memories, is extremely difficult. Yet, above all, saying goodbye to a woman who brought me into this world and made sacrifice after sacrifice to give me the best life possible is by far the hardest of all goodbyes.
“I’m only a phone call away, okay? It doesn’t matter what time, whenever you need me, I’m there for you.”
I nod my head, finally blinking and letting my tears fall freely. I throw my arms around her, squeezing her tight just like I did when I was a little girl, begging our embrace to numb the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
“I’ll be okay, Mom.”
“Of course, you will be,” she assures me with a smile, quick to hide her sniffle. “You have the Edwards’ blood in you. Strong, born a warrior.”
We hug one more time before Mom says her final goodbye, leaving the room. I take in a deep breath, the feeling of being homesick a hard slap in the face. In a matter of moments, loneliness consumes me. It’s unrelenting in its pursuit, feeding off my weakened emotions and questioning my need to study so far away from home.
The walls surrounding me are bare, this room holding no memories for me to fondly reminisce in my time of need.
Just as I’m about to run outside to find Mom and tell her I can’t do this, Liesel comes out of her room with a sympathetic smile.
“You know what will make you feel better? If you come to a party with me tonight.”
I chuckle softly, the distraction somewhat welcoming. “A party already? I’m not sure, I should probably unpack. Classes start in a few days, and I want to make sure I’m organized.”
“There’s plenty of time for that. C’mon, it’ll be fun plus a good chance to meet some new people.”
I pull my slumped shoulders back, improving my posture while releasing a breath. I’m an adult now. Leaving my family was bound to happen. If I am to make this work, I
need to make the right decisions, not ones leading to my comfort zone.
A college party isn’t such a bad idea and definitely is the distraction I need from my misery.
I nod in agreement.
“Yay! Okay, I need to find exactly where I packed my makeup. Be dressed in an hour.”
With not too much time to spare, I head to my room and close the door behind me. I figure it will be a chilled party, opting to wear my jeans and a tank tonight. Throwing myself on my bed, I grab my phone and video call Austin.
“Hey, you.” His handsome grin graces the screen. Behind him, a stack of boxes just like mine is beside his bed. “I’m guessing your Mom finally left?”
“Yes, and I don’t want to talk about it. Can’t you see my panda eyes?”
He chuckles softly. “You’re still beautiful. So, did you meet your roommate?”
“I did. She’s nice and really friendly. She invited me to a party tonight.”
“A party?”
“Yeah, not sure where. I said yes only because she begged.”
Austin lowers his gaze, his expression changing almost instantly. If I didn’t know better, he’s not pleased that I’m going out.
“Is something wrong?”
“It’s nothing.” He clears his throat, still avoiding my eyes. “Listen, I should go. I’ve got a lot to unpack.”
“I love you, Austin,” I say, missing him so much. “Please don’t forget that.”
Slowly, his gaze lifts to meet mine, and his face softens. “I love you, too, Millie. Call me when you get back, okay?”
“Promise.” I smile before I hang up the call.
Alone, inside my dorm room, I fall back onto my bed and stare at the ceiling. It all seems too hard—moving across the country and saying goodbye to my family and the boy I love. I’m fighting hard for exactly this—Yale. But for what? What if I don’t enjoy studying or change my mind about being a lawyer? I’m waiting for a sign to tell me I am on the right path, and this is exactly where I’m meant to be—that Austin and I will endure the distance and find a way to stay together.
But something warns me otherwise, a voice telling me this is all just the beginning. Just like my mom so wisely said, the stronger the love, the harder the fight.
And what terrifies me the most is that the true test is yet to come.
Heartache is just around the corner.
Eight
Amelia
Nothing anyone could’ve said would’ve prepared me for my first few months of college.
It was even better.
Being surrounded by intellectual students who want to learn is vastly different from high school. Our lectures often turn into discussions I thoroughly enjoy, giving me a chance to interact with my peers on a non-social level.
I frequently find myself immersed in reading, and studying has become so much more challenging than senior year. At times, the pressure mounts, yet I quickly learned that I thrive on it. It pushes me to work harder, and if I want to make a career out of the law, I need tough skin and a strong work ethic.
Aside from Liesel, it hasn’t taken too long to make friends with those who have similar interests to me. We often have lunch together and hang out for coffee, which I despised before college life. Yet now, I can’t get through a day without it. It has become my staple diet when I’m unable to stop for a bite to eat. The coffee cart guy knows me on a first-name basis, and yes, he’s cute.
If there’s some social get-together in New Haven, we all go together, depending on our study schedule. All in all, my parents are pleased I haven’t found the “bad crowd,” who spends the entire time planning keg parties and getting laid.
Yes, I know who they are, and I just choose to avoid them.
But like anything, the good comes with the bad. I invariably find myself homesick, the nights being the hardest.
In times of need, I call Mom and just talk for hours about anything I can, missing the sound of her voice and needing her reassurance. Most of the time, I have questions about papers, though Dad helps me a lot with things I struggle to grasp. Surprisingly, our bond strengthened upon my departure.
Yet milestones pass like my siblings’ birthdays, makings it hard when I can’t be there in person. I plan to head home for Thanksgiving, having not seen my family in two months, and then to add to all of that, I miss Austin.
It’s Friday, a rare class-free day, and I opt to train it into the city. I take my phone out, texting Austin.
Me: Why does the train have this odd smell?
Austin: It’s called humans. It’s what happens when you leave your dorm room after studying nonstop.
Austin: So… have you recovered from last night?
A smile escapes me, the heat rising in my cheeks soon following. Thankfully, the seat beside me is empty. I stare out the window, reminiscing about last night. It started with flirtatious banter, then led to our clothes coming off and a very happy ending. Something we resort to of late since we were miles apart.
Me: If I weren’t on a train with strangers, I’d say round two?
Austin: You’re killing me…
Austin: Have you thought more about Thanksgiving?
Taking a deep breath, I don’t want to take too long to answer but also don’t want to offend Austin, given my plans with my family, something I hope he’ll understand.
Me: I have, and you know that I miss you, but I really need to see my family. Maybe you could drive here one weekend? It’s only five hours away.
I wait for a response, but it doesn’t come. This separation thing has been harder than expected, and although having sex bonded us in a way, it also drives a wedge between us at times. Physically missing someone is hard, and I’d be a fool to think we can go on like this for the next seven years. Austin has needs the girls at John Hopkins can easily fulfill. But even then, I choose not to end things, once again letting our relationship go through the motions to stand the test of time—separation.
The train pulls up into Grand Central Station. As soon as I exit, the city’s hustle and bustle greet me along with the fall breeze. Dressed in my jeans and wearing my long camel-colored coat, I chose to wear my Chucks, knowing I’ll be walking around the city, and the last thing I need is blistered feet.
The familiar blond-haired boy waves at me from across the exit. I run toward him, practically throwing myself at him in desperation.
“I missed you,” I mumble into his chest, holding onto him tightly.
“Missed you, too, Harley Quinn.” Andy chuckles while bringing up my long-lost nickname from when we were kids. I’d forgotten all about it and how they often referred to me as Harley Quinn because of my crazy shenanigans. Thankfully, I have outgrown this reckless behavior which should warrant scrapping the nickname for good.
I peel myself away from him, placing my hands on his shoulders. “How long do I have you for?”
“Four hours, then I’ve got a class.”
“You’re such a nerd,” I joke while grinning. “Have you been behaving?”
“Hmm…” He rubs his chin, and only now, I notice the slight stubble of the beard he’s growing. “Let’s walk and talk. Hot dogs for lunch?”
“Sure, lead the way.”
We exit on 42nd Street and head toward Bryant Park, stopping briefly to grab a hot dog and soda. Andy talks about campus life, his classes, his quirky roommate, and the group he hangs out with. We both immersed ourselves into college life, realizing just how much we have changed in only this short time.
“So, tell me what’s happening with the ladies?”
Andy shuffles his feet, looking uncomfortable.
“Why the face?” I ask, curious as to his change of expression. “It’s not like I asked you to swallow poison.”
“I… um,” he stammers, scratching the back of his neck. “I’ve dated a few girls but nothing serious.”
“Dated a few girls? That was fast. It’s only been two months. Are you sure you’re studying?”
“Coll
ege girls are different… they are, how shall I put it?”
“Loose?”
Andy chuckles, biting into his hot dog. “I guess you could say that.”
“Argh,” I grunt, slumping into my chair. “Why is everyone having the time of their lives, and I’m arguing with a boyfriend over a text?”
“What’s the problem now?”
“The problem is over two hundred miles between us. This is harder than I thought.”
“Then break up with him. Simple.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Millie,” Andy says, crossing his arms while watching me. “Do you really think Austin is just sitting there and pining for you? Have you seen the girls in college?”
“Yes,” I drag, aware that beautiful women surround Austin. “But doesn’t love count for something?”
“Do you love him? Or are you just saying that because you lost your virginity to him?”
My eyes widen, my head turning abruptly. “How did you know?”
“Ava, but in her defense, I thought it happened too.”
“The two of you are a pain in my ass,” I complain, frowning. “I do love him, I mean, what I feel is more than just a crush. We’ve been together for over a year. I can’t just throw that away because it’s getting hard.”
Andy’s attention is pulled toward a bunch of pigeons fighting for a donut a little kid drops on the pavement. Moments later, he turns his head while creasing his brows.
“Millie, you have to be honest with yourself. Sooner or later, the two of you will grow apart. It’s only natural, I mean, how many high school romances do you know that lasted?”
“Well, Mom and Dad, for starters.”
Andy purses his lips. “Um… from what my mom says, they were apart for eight years, so that doesn’t count.”
I rack my brain trying to come up with an answer but fall short. Maybe Andy is right, but nevertheless, I don’t want to give up just yet. For as long as it feels right, I’ll fight for us.