“I’m sure it’s the flu,” Amber said. “Gerald had it really badly a few years ago and he’s had the vaccination every year since. He said at the time that he thought he’d never paint again. He thought the virus had killed his artistic streak – but then he is prone to over-exaggeration!”
Maali gave a relieved smile. “Thanks, guys.”
They sat in silence for a moment. Amber looked at the others, feeling the sudden urge to form the circle. “Should we begin the meeting and say the quote?”
“Yes!” Rose got to her feet. “Let’s do it.” She took hold of Maali’s hand and helped her up. Then she held her other hand out to Amber. Sky came and stood between Amber and Maali to complete the circle. As Amber felt the warmth from Rose and Sky’s hands seeping into hers she began to feel a glimmer of hope for the first time since Christmas Eve.
“‘Yes: I am a dreamer…’” she began.
“‘For a dreamer is one who can only find her way by moonlight,’” the others all joined in, “‘and her punishment is that she sees the dawn before the rest of the world.’”
They stood there for a while, holding hands in the flickering candlelight, staring down at the moonstone in the centre of the circle.
Amber tightened her grip on Sky and Rose’s hands. She didn’t want to let go. She didn’t want to go back to the loneliness and hurt she’d been feeling since she discovered that her surrogate mum wanted nothing to do with her; she wanted to stay in the warmth and safety of the Moonlight Dreamers. She wished she could talk as easily as the others. She wished she could spill out her troubles the way Maali had done so she could get their advice and support.
“Could I…” She broke off and looked down at the floor.
“Could you what?” Sky asked softly.
“Could I tell you guys something?”
“Er, hello!” Rose raised her eyebrows. “What’s rule number six?”
Amber blushed.
Rose squeezed her hand. “Go on, say it.”
“Moonlight Dreamers tell each other everything – even the bad stuff. Especially the bad stuff,” Amber mumbled. But how could she tell them? How could she tell them that the email from the surrogacy agency had left her feeling completely unsure of herself and her place in the world?
MOONLIGHT DREAMERS ~ THE RULES
1. The Moonlight Dreamers is a secret society – members must never speak a word of its existence, or what happens at the meetings, to others.
2. Meetings will begin with members reciting the “moonlight” quote from Oscar Wilde.
3. This quote is the Moonlight Dreamers motto and must be memorized by members – and NEVER forgotten.
4. All members must vow to support the other Moonlight Dreamers in the pursuit of their dreams – always.
5. Moonlight Dreamers are proud of being different. Being the same as everyone else is a crime against originality, the human equivalent of magnolia paint.
6. Moonlight Dreamers tell each other everything – even the bad stuff. Especially the bad stuff.
7. Moonlight Dreamers never, ever give up.
Chapter Six
Sky looked at Amber. Her gaze was fixed on the moonstone. Clearly she was finding it difficult to make a start. “I have an idea,” Sky said. “It seems like we all have stuff we need to talk about. Personal stuff.” She shot Rose a look. Rose immediately turned away. Whatever she had to tell them must be really personal; it was unlike her to look so bashful. “Why don’t we tell it to the moon, but all together, instead of on our own?”
“But it’s still pouring outside,” Amber said as the rain lashed against her bedroom window.
“We don’t have to go outside to do it,” Sky said. “I just thought it might make it easier if we’re not talking directly to each other.” She thought about having to tell the others that she was scared of going to school. It felt so pitiful. At least if she didn’t have to look at them and see their reactions it would make it slightly easier. She looked at the moonstone. “I know. Why don’t we take it in turns to tell it to the moonstone while the others just listen?” Her face began to burn. Was what she was saying making her seem like a total idiot? She glanced up. To her relief, she saw that Amber was nodding. And now Rose was too.
“So, where do the others go while we tell it to the moonstone?” Amber asked.
“We could sit behind you or beside you,” Sky said. “The main thing is we’re not facing you, so you won’t feel so self-conscious.”
“OK.” Amber let go of Sky’s and Rose’s hands and crouched down to pick up the moonstone. The others arranged themselves on the floor behind her.
Sky relaxed. She could imagine telling them about her school fears like this. She watched as Amber sat cross-legged, holding the moonstone in front of her. Her jet-black quiff gleamed in the candlelight.
“So, it’s like this,” she began. “Ever since I found out that Gerald is my biological dad, I’ve kept thinking about my surrogate mum – wondering who she is and why she had me the way she did. I mean, I know she had me for the money. But why did she have me for the money? It seems like such a massive thing to do – to sell your own baby. And did she ever regret it? And did she – did she ever think about me?”
Amber’s shoulders slumped. Sky shot Rose a worried glance. Rose shook her head, as if to say, Let her continue.
“Anyway, as you know, I made it my dream to try and get to know her and about a month ago I emailed the surrogacy agency. I didn’t tell you at the time because I wanted it to be a surprise.” Amber gave a bitter laugh.
Rose went to say something but Sky quickly placed her hand on her arm. It was so hard getting Amber to open up, if any of them said anything now she might stop talking. She glanced at Maali. Maali was watching Amber, mesmerized.
“Anyway, they emailed me back the other day to say that my surrogate mum had stipulated that she didn’t want me to contact her.”
Rose was opening and closing her mouth like a goldfish, clearly desperate to say something. Sky tried not to think of the expressions they’d be pulling behind her back when she told them how she’d been feeling about starting school. She looked at Amber, wondering if she’d finished and if she ought to put her hand on her shoulder to offer her some comfort. Amber wasn’t exactly a huggy person. But then she started speaking again.
“The thing is – ever since I found this out I’ve been feeling really weird. Like I don’t know who I am or what I’m supposed to be doing. I haven’t said anything to you guys, but I’ve been having doubts about my blogging dream for weeks now and this has made it a million times worse. How can I know what I ought to be doing with my life if I don’t know who I truly am? If I’ll never know who I truly am?”
“Sounds like you’re having an existential crisis,” Rose said.
“Shh!” Sky said, scared Amber would clam up.
“What?” Rose frowned. “She is.”
“A what crisis?” Maali asked.
“An existential crisis,” Rose replied. “It’s when you start questioning the whole reason for your existence. Apparently my dad had one right before leaving me and my mom for Rachel. At least that’s what he told Vanity Fair.”
“It’s all right for you,” Amber said, turning to face the others. “You all know who both your biological parents are, but imagine if you didn’t. Imagine if you had a massive question mark hanging over one half of your identity.”
Rose frowned. “Hmm, sometimes I think I’d prefer a couple of question marks to the pair of exclamation marks I was dealt.”
Sky felt a twinge of sadness as she thought of her own mum. But at least she had had her for the first eleven years of her life. At least she could remember what she was like. At least she knew exactly where she came from. She reached out her hand and took hold of Amber’s. “It must be horrible.”
Amber gave her a grateful smile. “It is.”
Sky looked at Maali and Rose and they all gathered around Amber.
“I know you don’t
believe in God,” Maali said.
“No, I don’t,” Amber said abruptly.
“But I really do believe that there’s a loving force within all of us and the whole universe.”
Amber frowned.
“And that loving force can be like a mother to you, if you let it,” Maali continued, smiling sweetly.
“It’s not so much that I want a mother,” Amber said. “I have Gerald and Daniel. I love Gerald and Daniel. It’s more that I want to know who I am.”
“Maybe you’re better off not knowing,” Rose said.
“How do you mean?”
“Well, she might have some really gross personal habits, like picking her teeth … or voting Republican. At least this way you’re a blank slate – or half of you is. You can be whoever you want to be.” Rose crouched on the floor in front of her. “And let me tell you, the Amber I know is awesomeness in a pin-striped suit!”
Amber laughed. “I’ve never been called that before.”
“Yeah well, get used to it because it’s true.”
Amber smiled. “Thank you.”
“It is true,” Sky said, putting her arm round Amber’s shoulders. “You’re an amazing person. You don’t have to know who your birth mum is to know yourself.”
“Yes,” Maali said, taking hold of Amber’s hand. “You’re such a strong person in your own right. You’re so interesting and so much fun to be around.”
“I am?” Amber stared at Maali.
“Of course,” Maali said. “You started the Moonlight Dreamers. This is the most interesting and fun thing I’ve ever done. I’d be proud to have you as a daughter.”
“Preach it, Mamma Maali!” Rose said, giving Maali a high-five.
There was a moment’s silence, then they all started to laugh.
“Thank you for being so kind. I really appreciate it. Hopefully this feeling will wear off soon.” Amber shifted back and offered the moonstone to Sky. “Would you like to go next?”
Sky felt a stab of panic. “Oh, I don’t know.”
Amber placed the stone in her hand. “Go on.”
Sky turned away from the others. She took a deep breath. If Amber could do it, then so could she. The moonstone was glowing white, blue and gold in the candlelight. She pretended she was alone and closed her eyes. “What I’m about to say is going to sound really stupid—”
“No, it’s not,” Rose said.
Sky swallowed hard. She had to come straight out with it, get this torture over with. “In four days I’ll be going to secondary school for the very first time and I’m dreading it.” She sat in silence for a moment, listening to the tapping of the rain against the window. She sounded pathetic but there was no way she could get out of it now. “I’m dreading that I won’t fit in and that I’ll hate it and that the teachers won’t be anywhere near as fun or interesting as my dad. But most of all … I’m dreading the other students. I know this sounds ridiculous but I’m scared.”
She stopped talking. The silence was excruciating, broken only by the low rumble of thunder outside.
“Are you done?” Rose whispered in her ear.
Sky nodded.
“You aren’t pathetic!” Rose exclaimed, moving round to face her. “You’re – you’re awesomeness in DM boots! You’ll make new friends no problem … just be sure to remember who your best friends are, though.”
Sky started to laugh. “Thanks.”
“Rose is right. They’re all going to love you,” Maali added, placing her hand on top of Sky’s. “You’re one of the kindest people ever.”
“Really?” Sky had always thought of Maali as one of the kindest people ever so this was praise indeed.
Maali nodded and looked at her solemnly. “They’re all going to love you at your new school.”
Amber patted Sky on the back. “And don’t forget you’ll have me there, so you’ve already got one school friend.”
Sky nodded. “That’s the only good thing about it!”
“Thanks,” Amber said gruffly.
“I’m sorry,” Sky said. “I feel like such a baby. It’s just that it’s been building up inside me all over Christmas and I can’t tell my dad because I know he needs me to go to school so he’s free to work and make more money. I feel better already just for telling you – or telling the moonstone – or whatever.”
“You’re gonna be fine,” Rose said.
Sky felt herself relax. It was so good to be back with her fellow Moonlight Dreamers. A problem shared was a problem quartered with them. She held the moonstone out to Rose. “OK, your turn.”
Rose’s face fell. “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe we’ve had enough emotional outpourings for one night.”
“Oh no you don’t,” Sky said firmly. “Don’t make me chant mantras at you.”
Rose shifted onto her knees. “Seriously though, I don’t know if I’m ready. I don’t know if I should. What I’ve got to say, well, it might affect this – us.”
Sky’s heart skipped a beat. What did Rose have to tell them? Was she thinking of moving back to New York after all? What else could affect the Moonlight Dreamers?
“Are you moving away?” Maali said, her eyes wide with alarm.
A flash of lightning lit up the room.
Rose shook her head. “No! No way. It’s nothing like that. It’s – it’s something about me. All right, give me the damned stone.” She grabbed the moonstone from Sky and clutched it tightly. She looked at them defiantly, then bowed her head and closed her eyes. “I’m gay.”
Chapter Seven
Rose kept her eyes shut tight, willing someone, anyone to say something, anything. When she’d run through this scenario in her mind – at least five thousand times – it had been Maali’s reaction she’d worried about the most. She was fairly certain that, with two gay dads, Amber wouldn’t be the slightest bit fazed at her news and Sky was such a peace-out-one-love hippy that she was fairly certain she’d be chilled about it, but Maali … Maali was so into her religion. What if the Hindu gods and goddesses frowned on people being gay? What if it was seen as being a sin? How would it affect their friendship? Would Maali stop being a Moonlight Dreamer because of it? Would Rose be responsible for the break-up of the group?
“You’re gay?” Sky finally broke the silence.
Rose half-opened her eyes and squinted at her. She looked totally shocked. “Uh-huh.”
“What, gay as in you like girls?”
Geez, what was up with people? Why did they suddenly forget what gay meant the second you came out to them?
“Yep.” Rose snuck a glance at Maali. Her mouth was actually hanging open. She looked at Amber, hoping that she at least wouldn’t look so fazed. Amber was nodding her head slowly, looking deep in thought, like she’d just worked out a particularly complicated puzzle.
“But what about that guy you were going out with – Matt?” Sky asked.
“Matt’s a dick,” Rose muttered. She was starting to feel defensive now. One of them better hurry up and say something supportive. She felt like reminding them all of rule number four: All members must vow to support the other Moonlight Dreamers in the pursuit of their dreams – always. She wasn’t exactly sure if she could define being gay as a dream but she definitely dreamed of being happy.
“This is so amazing!” Maali exclaimed with a grin.
Rose stared at her. “It is?”
Maali nodded. “To have the courage to declare your true path to love and devotion.”
“Right,” Rose said slowly, not entirely sure what Maali was going on about but liking the sound of it.
“And now it all makes sense,” Maali continued, her eyes shining brightly.
Rose crinkled her eyebrows. “It does? What does?”
“The way you’re so down on guys.”
“I’m not down on guys. Well, only the idiot ones – like Matt.”
“Yeah, but remember that time in the coffee shop, when you were supposed to be helping me find the confidence to talk to boys?”
Sky was still looking really confused. “But why did you send that photo to Matt if you weren’t into him?”
Rose felt a mixture of anger and disappointment building inside of her. Why was Sky being so difficult? “I told you – because I was pissed at my mom for telling me what to do all the time. I was only going out with him as an experiment.”
“An experiment in what – seeing how high your imbecile tolerance levels were?” Amber said with a wry smile.
Rose felt a burst of relief. “Yes! And to see if I really was gay.”
“How do you mean?” Maali asked.
“Well, it’s been kind of confusing, you know. Like, I kept getting these feelings for girls – not any of you, by the way, just want to put that out there right up front. Not that you’re not attractive but you guys are like family to me and…” Rose took a moment to compose herself. “This is going to sound really dumb but Matt was the best-looking guy in the school. I figured that if I was ever going to be into a guy it would be him.”
“You’re right,” Amber said, raising her eyebrows. “That is really dumb.”
“I know! I know! I sent the guy a topless photo, which he then shared with the world on Instagram, so I fully accept that where that boy is concerned I was dumbness squared, but I just needed to be certain. And he sure helped me do that! Sky, can you please stop staring at me like I just fell out of an alien spaceship and say something supportive? Rule number four, remember?”
Sky blushed. “I’m so sorry. Of course I support you – it’s just a lot to take in.”
“I think it’s great,” said Maali, and Amber nodded her head in agreement. “It’s like you finally make sense.”
Rose laughed. “Yes, I guess I do. But – but what about your religion?”
Tell It to the Moon Page 4