It was on the third day that after ignoring a phone call from Patrick I saw that there was a voice mail from him. My hands were shaking because I knew that listening to it was the only way of hearing his voice without having to talk to him. I wanted to hear him talk because I missed him but I was scared of whatever he wanted to say to me. What if he wanted to tell me that I was fired and that he never wanted me to come back? What if he was asking me to go back to him? I decided that I was missing him too much so I played the voice mail embracing myself for whatever I was about to listen.
“Lucinda,” I took in a deep breath when I listened to his voice “I know you are all right and in need of some time to think. That’s ok. I get it but… baby,” he was hurting “I need you here, with me. I can’t breathe. My chest feels empty without you here. I have no idea what to say but that I love you. I love you like I’ve never loved anyone. You are the only person in this lifetime that can bring peace to me. When you came into my life you saved me from a lifetime of misery. I had no idea that I was that miserable until you,” I heard him sigh “I tried to fight it, baby, believe me I did but every time I tried to tell myself that I wasn’t falling in love with you, you came and did something unbelievable, you came and gave me hope for a future, a bright future at that. And then… then you go ahead and leave me,” I heard a small bitter sweet laugh coming from him “you forgot that I can’t live without you, that you are all I need to feel alive,” a pause “I know you are hurting and I want to be there to tell you that hurt is a feeling too that you need to feel it until it’s wasted, until it’s no more. I want to be there to hold you and let you know that we are going to be ok. I love you, Lucinda and I need to you to hurry up to feel everything and come back because I am going insane in here without you. Please, baby, my Pepper, my everything, have faith in us, in what we can be. Have faith in yourself, in your heart. Please, please, please come back to me. I love you so much.” the voice mail ended and I wanted to scream again. I was screaming on the inside. Just then the stupid waiter came with whatever I had agreed on having before I listened to the voice mail and when I looked at what he had brought I broke down crying. It was a fucking sorbet. A fucking red sorbet! I replayed the voice mail twice before letting myself feel the hurt of not having him with me.
“What the fuck, Lucy?” I said out loud when I realized that we both were hurting because of the same thing. We couldn’t live without the other. I laughed after that. Everyone around me was ready to bring the straightjackets out. But really, it was all really funny and stupid and irrational. I laughed and cried when it hit me that I had done exactly what Patrick had told me the day he gave me the vacations as a gift you could always wait until you can’t be near me anymore and run away to Europe to remind yourself that you can’t live without me either.
I’d run away to Europe only to realize that I couldn’t live without him.
“You can do this, Lucy,” I said to myself as I walked under the rain “You can do it,” I repeated as a mantra. I hugged my jacket closer but I didn’t matter because I was completely soaked. I took all the courage that I had inside and knock on the door twice and the door opened.
“Lucinda,” I heard his voice before I saw Patrick.
“I’m stuck, Patrick,” I said. He looked confused.
“Get inside,” he said opening the door wider and I stepped inside “Let’s get you out of these clothes,” he said as he ran up to his room and came down with some sweatpants and a sweatshirt. “Let’s go to the library,” I nodded.
“Tea,” he said once I got out of the bathroom changed into his clothes and drying my hair with a towel. I nodded and realized that he had the tea prepared.
“You prepared it?”I had tears in my eyes. He had moved on. He just nodded. I didn’t care if he had moved on. I needed to let him know that I was feeling, everything, all the feelings.
“I’m stuck,” I said looking at him directly in the eye.
“You said so,” he said with no expression on his face which was unusual for him.
“When you are not with me… I’m stuck,” I thought I heard him sigh “everything is on hold because apparently I can’t live my life without you anymore,” I shook my head and looked down. “I... was scared,” I said.
“You don’t need to explain anything,” he said holding my hand but I looked up at him and shook my head again.
“Oh but I do, Patrick. I need to, for you and for me,” he nodded. “I wasn’t planning to fall in love, Patrick. It just kind of happened. I never in a thousand years did I imagined that along with a new job I was getting a boyfriend, friends and a family. It was too much and I was scared of losing you all. Especially you because, Patrick, you opened up my eyes to a whole world that I had denied myself. A world where feelings are good,” I let out a tiny laugh “With you I learned about anger, frustration, so much frustration, happiness, confusion, excitement but above all I learned to love,” He smiled but let me continue “When I heard your voice mail I realized that I didn’t need to be scared of losing everything because you are everything I need. You are what is missing in my life when I am alone, you are what makes me complete, you are what takes my breath away and I realized that it was ok,” I said repeating the words that he had said once when I asked him what if felt to be in love. I shook my head again.
“When did you realize that you love me?” I asked and he looked confused but answered anyway.
“Somewhere between midnight munchies and your birthday,” he said with a smile on his face and I nodded.
“I just wanted to know. It doesn’t matter,” I said looking down. “What did you say to my mother back in the golf club?”
“That you were never going back to be Miss Stuart because soon you would be Ms. Maynard,” I felt my heart race. I loved this man and it was so unfair not to let him know that.
“I love you, Patrick,” he finally couldn’t hold on anymore and kissed me. We kissed and for the first time I let every single feeling pour out of me and into that kiss. We kissed and then for the first time I let him love me. I was in heaven because I was feeling, feeling what he was trying to tell me in between kisses. I let him love me in the library’s floor and I let myself love him.
“I’m so happy that you came back to me,” he said as we laid down on the library’s floor holding each other. We hadn’t said much to each other. There was no need for that.
“I couldn’t stay away from you any longer,” I kissed him.
“When I’m not with you I feel like there’s no point on anything I do,” he said looking down at me.
“When I’m not with you I’m stuck. My life stops and the only way to go on is to be with you. You get me unstuck, Patrick.”
And that’s how I decided that my life was beginning. That day, when I decided to let my best friend know that I was in love with him was the day that everything began. Everything before that was just pure foreplay to what was about to come. Life with Patrick is everything and it doesn’t matter how many ups or downs come with it, it will always be much better than being without him. Life with Patrick is exactly that: a life, and I could finally live it to the fullest without being stuck waiting for the next big thing. I was finally unstuck and it meant that I was able to give him everything I was and would be. It meant that I was his and I was perfectly ok with that. Life had just begun.
Unstuck Page 36