I saw her blink rapidly as she fought tears. I reached forward and gripped her hands as she fought strong emotions.
“It’s also been one of the worst days. All I do, every moment, is torture myself with what would Liam have thought? What would he have said? He would have been so proud of his children, to see them growing up so well.”
I hugged her as she lost her battle with her grief. Over her shoulder, I saw Gabriel and Colin form a wall in front of Nicholas as they played with him on the floor, blocking his view of an emotional Amelia.
Amelia took a deep breath and pushed away from me, swiping at her eyes. “I must be joyful today,” she rasped.
“It’s all right to mourn. To wish things had been different. This is your first Christmas without him.”
“I know. I like to think I’m stronger than this.”
I frowned as I studied her. “What else is worrying you?”
“I don’t know what I’m going to do, Rissa. I’m going to run out of money soon and I have no job. Who would hire me? How would I care for my children as I worked?”
I gave her hands a squeeze. “We’ll think of something. You must know we’ll help you in any way we can.”
“Who needs help?” Sebastian asked as he approached us, his red hair tousled from his frequently tugging it. His light brown eyes intent on Amelia, I doubted he knew I was present.
“No one,” Amelia said in a rush.
“Amelia and the kids,” I said, earning a glare from Amelia.
“Why?” Aidan said. He motioned for us to join him at the table. I bit my lip and Amelia clasped her fingers together. His astute gaze cleared of confusion and he nodded as he cleared his voice to garner the room’s full attention. “Gabriel, everyone, I’m going to ruin the surprise I’d planned for New Year’s.”
Gabriel tilted his head as he watched his uncle, cautious curiosity filling his gaze. He knelt on the ground, playing with Nicholas’s new train. Colin sat cross legged near Gabriel and paused setting up toy soldiers for a new battle. Ronan and Mr. A.J. sat near Gabriel and Sebastian remained standing.
“I’ve just purchased a home here in Missoula. I plan on spending a considerable amount of time here each year, and living in a hotel has never been my idea of acceptable accommodations. Not for a long duration.”
Gabriel gave a whoop, waking Anne in her makeshift crib with his exuberance. We shared a smile as Amelia moved to pick up Anne and soothe her.
“However, I won’t be here all the time. My office is in San Francisco and I also want to spend time in Boston with Richard and Jeremy.” Aidan paused as he looked at Amelia. “It would ease my mind if I knew someone lived in the home, caring for it while I was away.”
Amelia stared at him blankly, and I nudged her. “I’d think you’d want Gabriel and Clarissa to live there,” she stammered.
Gabriel caught my gaze and I shook my head. “We’re content in our home,” Gabriel said. I nodded my agreement.
“When I’m in Missoula, you’d act like a housekeeper and cook,” Aidan said. “If it becomes too much for one person, I will hire someone to help you.”
“No, sir. No. It will never be too much work.” She smiled, relief and gratitude evident. “Thank you.”
Aidan smiled, his gaze tinged with an old sorrow. “We all need help at times,” he murmured as he reached forward and patted her hand.
“I think it’s a fine idea,” Mr. A.J. said with a thunk of his cane. “The missus has work and the young’uns can perverse in visiting Missy’n me at the Depository.”
Sebastian watched him with frank fascination, his attempt to decipher what Mr. A.J. meant momentarily stilling his fidgeting. “Do you mean persevere? And why would you use that word with the children?”
“Means continue, don’t it?” Mr. A.J. asked, smacking his lips like he was gripping a pipe between his teeth.
I widened my eyes and shook my head at Sebastian. He smiled and nodded to a dazed Amelia. “I think Mr. Aidan is brilliant.” He stared at Amelia, seeming to forget what else he was going to say.
“I think it’s a wonderful plan. Means Amelia will have more space to cook and a proper dining room to host us all,” Colin said.
Aidan laughed. “You’re fortunate I bought a home with a big kitchen and a formal dining room.”
Colin gave a whoop, mimicking Gabe and rose. “You’ll never have to fear it will be empty. We’ll be there all the time.” He walked to the kitchen counter, pulling out a tin of cookies to nibble on.
Gabriel rose, edging him aside. “Give me those,” Gabriel demanded in a whisper. “You ate your fill last night.” He looked to the living room floor, but Nicholas paid them no attention as he plotted another battle.
Colin laughed, his mouth half stuffed with cookies. “You can never get enough of Amelia’s oatmeal and raisin cookies.” He handed a few to Gabe, and they leaned against the counter, their ankles crossed. Their low voices blended in a quiet melody with the other voices in the room. I turned to join Mr. A.J.’s conversation, my heart overflowing with joy.
***
I shivered as Gabriel opened the workshop door. “Go upstairs love and warm up. I’ll be there in a moment with your present.”
“I don’t need anything, darling,” I whispered as I stood on my toes to kiss him.
“I know.” He winked at me as I headed up the stairs, carrying the gifts we’d received at Colin’s.
I lit a lamp and a candles, stoked the stove, and moved to take off my jacket, hat and gloves. I heard a thunk and a grunt and opened the door to downstairs. Gabriel carried something in front of him and smiled his thanks at my opening the door. I backed up and he eased inside, setting the object down in the living area of our home.
“It won’t take much to open it,” he teased as my hands traced the blanket covering it.
I eased the blanket away to find a rocking chair, similar to the one he’d made me in Boston. “Oh, Gabe,” I murmured, running my hands over the polished oak, easing into it and sighing with contentment as it fit me perfectly.
Before I could jump up and hug him, he knelt in front of me, running his hands over my arms to link his hands with mine for a moment. “I know it isn’t much and I hope to someday have a much nicer home for you, my love.” He raised his fingers to my mouth to stifle my instinctive protest at his words. “I want you to be comfortable and to feel at home. Always.”
I ran my hands through his hair, until I linked them behind his head. “I do. This is my home. Wherever you are, Gabriel, is my home. I love you. More than I’ll ever be able to express.”
His blue eyes lit with joy, and he leaned forward to kiss me.
“One day soon, we’ll have a family and you’ll be a wonderful father to our children.” I sighed as he peppered kisses along my jawline and down my throat.
He chuckled. “I wouldn’t mind having a little more time for just the two of us,” he teased. He rose, reaching a hand out to me to lead us to our bedroom. “Now, for our time together,” he teased.
My laugh turned into a moan as he kissed my nape and played with the buttons on my dress. “Finally,” I sighed. His touch became more purposeful, and I exalted in the joy we took in each other.
***
“Gabe, what was the importance of the items in the box?” I asked a while later. Gabriel lay on his back, with me curled into his side. “I understand the picture and the letter, but not the book. Not the symbolism of the box.”
Gabriel sighed, pulling me closer to his side. “I’ve told you about my life with my Aunt. About how she relished tormenting us and denying us all pleasure. She never provided enough food, starving us as we grew.” His voice became detached, increasingly distant as he talked about that period of his life. “We used to squirrel away food in our room to have snacks in the evening as Jeremy studied and Rich and I read. Old Man Harris got in food to have as snacks when they came to visit me while I worked in the afternoons.”
He sighed. “You don’t know how m
uch food a growing boy can eat.” I felt him tense. “Aunt did. She enjoyed watching us become thinner, our gauntness a victory over her deceased sister. One evening, when Rich had realized how much he loved Florence, but before our aunt’s deceit with her, we arrived home to find our cousins, Nicholas and Henry, in our room.
“They were ripping it apart, claiming that there was a rodent outbreak and they’d heard that we stored food in our room.” His voice tightened with rage. “They found the box we kept our treasures in. We had a copy of Treasure Island, the book our mum was reading to us when the fire struck. A photo of our mum and our aunt we’d filched from upstairs, folded over to justshow our mum. A small book where we’d written down our memories. A map of the world, with marks on it where we remembered where Uncle had traveled to.”
He sighed and I rolled over to embrace him fully. He clasped me to him, breathing deeply as his body shook at the memory. “They destroyed everything. Every last thing we had in that box. The map. The book. The photo. Our written memories.”
I gripped him tighter as his voice shattered. “Oh, darling.”
“I couldn’t envision staying there any longer and stormed out. I found us rooms that night, in the North End. We left the next day.” He relaxed, moment by moment in my arms as the memory’s hold on him faded.
“Aidan couldn’t have given you a more thoughtful gift,” I whispered.
“No,” he said, easing away from me. He rose, trembling as I traced his back as he slipped from the bed. I heard him walk to the kitchen, the scraping of a lid, and then his footsteps as he returned. He lit the lamp near our bed and sat, propped up against the pillows, the blanket covering his waist and legs. He held the letter in his hand.
I leaned on one elbow, watching him as he traced the edges of the envelope. “Are you ready to read it?”
He nodded as he eased a finger under the seal. He extracted slightly yellowed paper that crinkled as he unfolded it.
“Dearest Aidan,” he read.
It is April, and we are hopeful that spring will finally arrive. I imagine you are in a tropical land somewhere, dreaming of the exact opposite. Cooling breezes and chilly weather. Somehow we are never satisfied where we are!
I saw Delia yesterday. She looked well, although caring for her mother must be a thankless job. She told me that you were traveling to the Cape. Thus, I don’t know when this letter will find you, but I hope it finds you well.
Ian is busy with the construction project building the Back Bay. He enjoys the daily sense of accomplishment, in doing a job well and creating something from nothing. I believe Gabriel will take after his father, although he is intelligent enough to rival any scholar. Soon, you and Ian will have your hands full when you have your after dinner discussions. Gabriel will be able to outwit the two of you if you don’t sharpen your arguments.”
Gabriel lowered the letter, his voice cracking as he finished that sentence. I reached a hand up to stroke his cheek, finding it damp with his tears. I hummed in distress, sitting up and moving so that I faced Gabriel. He sat staring vacantly in front of him. I pushed the covers up, climbing on top of his legs to straddle his legs, forcing him to meet my worried gaze.
“Aidan meant to bring you joy, not pain, my love,” I whispered, tracing away his tears. I continued to run my hands over his face and into his hair, imparting comfort in any way I could.
“I know. I can see her, sitting at her small desk, writing letters. The soft smile she always had as she wrote, describing our adventures.” He stuttered out a sigh. “I miss them so much, Rissa.” He set the letter beside us on the bed and wrapped his arms around me, drawing me close. He rubbed his wet cheeks into the hollow of my neck, shuddering as he attempted to control his emotions.
“They would be terribly proud of you, my darling,” I said, kissing his head.
“I always wanted to be like my Da. Good and honest. Kind and loyal.” I felt him exhale against my neck, a long sigh.
“And you are. Look at all you’ve done for Amelia and her family. For Ronan.” I kissed the side of his head, then his cheek as he raised his head to meet my eyes. “Look at how kind, loyal, and loving you are to me.” My eyes filled with tears. “A woman most men would have scorned or ridiculed.”
I leaned forward, kissing him intently, before clasping him to me in a tight embrace. “Never doubt your worth or the value of your love.”
He held me to him, his large palms beginning to move, tracing the bumps of my spine. After a few minutes, he set the letter on the nightstand and eased me to my side. He continued to hold me, our arms and legs entwined.
A contented smile now flitted across his face, love and desire filled his gaze rather than regret and loss. “Holding you in my arms, in our bed, is how I imagined spending our Christmas night.” He sighed with contentment. “Thank you for filling my life with joy. For helping to ease the sorrow.”
“Always, my darling,” I whispered.
“Let’s spend every Christmas like today. The morning and evening ours, but the day spent with family and friends.”
I tilted my head to meet his loving gaze and nodded. “Yes, exactly like today. It was perfect.”
Christmas in Montana Page 2