Love & Loss (The Austin Series)

by C. J. Fallowfield

  ‘No! Seriously?’

  ‘Yep. So what does that say about him?’

  ‘Fucking arsehole,’ she grizzled and I laughed. She looked at me surprised. ‘You’re laughing?’

  ‘That’s pretty much what Gabe said about him. I’m done with him now Lex. I mean you know I was never fond of the guy anyway, so knowing we’re done and dusted I can draw a line under it and move on without him. I’m just finding it hard to accept that a guy can do that to his kids and that’s what scares me, I’m still frightened of getting married and having kids, if I even can, and then Gabe leaving me. I promised him I’d work on those issues so that’s what my therapy’s going to revolve around I guess.’

  ‘You’re doing the right thing Mia. I mean we haven’t had good role models with our Dad’s, but look at Gerry, he’s not even blood related and he’s always there for you. You just have to follow your gut and your heart with Gabe. Do you really think he’d do that to you?’

  ‘I’m ninety nine percent certain no,’ I smiled. ‘There’s still that little one percent of doubt left.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Lex we’ve only been dating three months, how much does anyone really know someone after three months? I just need time that’s all.’

  ‘You could argue how does anyone know anyone ever Mia, if someone wants to lie and hide something they can do it. I mean take this Campus Killer, he’s probably got a girlfriend or wife somewhere and they’ll be totally oblivious to what he’s doing on the side. How many women find out their partner was gay all along, or having affairs? You never truly know anyone, you just have to go with how you feel at the time and if you’re not convinced yet that’s fine. I’m just so happy you’re opening up to the possibility of it, you’d be a wonderful mum.’

  ‘Thanks Lex, as would you. You haven’t mentioned the miscarriage since it happened are you really ok?’

  ‘I am thanks,’ she flashed me a smile to convince me. ‘Like you and your Dad, I’ve drawn a line, it’s a closed chapter on an event that could have ruined my life, so I’m happy the way it turned out.’

  ‘Well one day I’d like to be Auntie Mia. Just don’t get me involved with them until they’re at least three or four, I can’t be doing with babies,’ I screwed up my face at the thought of it. ‘But I’ll be the cool Aunt, the one who gets them nice presents and lets them eat sugar and junk all day while I’m looking after them.’

  ‘Unless I learn to cook, they’ll be eating sugar and junk all day with me. They’ll be begging you for a healthy salad.’

  ‘Talking of healthy things, where are you at with Doug?’

  ‘Healthy things and you think of Doug?’

  ‘Well he still swims and works out a lot, that’s healthy.’

  ‘He does work out a lot,’ she nodded with an involuntary sigh.

  ‘Body imagining?’

  ‘O yeah.’

  ‘Hmmm me too. Gabe’s that is not Doug’s. Man swimming is seriously toning.’

  ‘O yeah,’ she sighed again. ‘Still no sex for you?’

  ‘Nope, quickly change the topic please.’

  ‘Ok well I guess I’d better apologise for getting pissy on Saturday night.’

  ‘We’re past that Lex, but thank you. Doug doesn’t fancy anyone else though, it’s all in your head that he’s looking elsewhere.’

  ‘Maybe, but he could be a bit more complimentary about me than saying I look “nice” couldn’t he? I mean Gabe always says lovely things to you.’

  ‘Maybe Doug’s still learning on the romance side. Has he had many steady girlfriends?’

  ‘About three, only for a couple of months each. He was like me, a man tart. No, that came out wrong, that makes it sound like he tarted for men, he didn’t, he doesn’t, he’s into women, big time.’

  ‘I knew what you meant,’ I laughed. ‘Give him time to learn the ropes Lex.’

  ‘Hmmm.’

  ‘Are you going to give him time?’ I frowned as I looked at her non plussed face.

  ‘Dunno. So how’s next door going?’

  ‘Wow talk about change of tack! It’s great thanks, I still haven’t got a key sorted from Gabe so I can’t let you in, but they’re ready to start fitting the kitchen, bathroom and flooring which is really exciting, so we should be in on schedule. What were you planning on wearing for our New Year party? You always shy away from sexy outfits thinking you’re too tall to pull it off.’

  ‘I bloody am.’

  ‘You’re not too tall, let’s blow his mind.’

  ‘What was the theme again?’

  ‘Film or TV characters.’

  ‘What you going as?’

  ‘Lara Croft, but that’s a secret. Gabe won’t tell me what he’s going as, neither will Doug. Go as Xena, I have it on first hand authority that she takes Doug’s top spot on his superhero hot women list, plus short outfit to show off your killer legs.’

  ‘It’s still my lack of chest that seems to be the problem and you flaunting your bloody cleavage around him doesn’t help.’

  ‘Lex I have big tits, they show whatever I wear I can’t help that and I’ve never once caught him looking or felt uncomfortable around him. Focus on yourself not everyone else. Plus Xena has that armour plated chest, so you’ve tits built in without even trying.’

  ‘Yeah, I’d forgotten about that. Game on dude.’

  ‘Lex, “Game on dude?” You’ve been spending way too much time with him,’ I laughed. ‘Right if I’m going away I better do my Christmas cards now, shall we do them from the two of us?’

  ‘Sure, another beer?’

  ‘Please,’ I nodded and sent Cindy a text asking if I could come in to see her and Mike the manager in the New Year to talk about some dancing shifts and if they had any bar work going for Lexi, then we settled in to do our cards and eat our take away watching Elf to get even more in the holiday spirit.

  Taking Off

  ‘Gabe seriously, what limit do you have on that credit card?’ I exclaimed shaking my head as we got back into his car. We’d got everything we’d needed in the gallery, having chosen some expensive pieces of contemporary art.

  ‘Enough,’ he smiled as he started his engine. ‘Ok a quick pit stop at Waitrose for some stir fry ingredients then back to yours for dinner and to relax until Riley arrives.’ He did seem more relaxed today, though he’d been making incessant notes in his iPad and firing off emails to Tom the architect and John the building foreman. ‘You ok baby, you seem a bit out of it?’ he frowned looking over at me.

  ‘It’s you, you’re a whirlwind Gabe. You’re off sick, you’re co-ordinating building projects, purchased everything you see, organising trips, taking care of me … how do you it? I have trouble focussing on one thing at a time.’

  ‘Don’t do that, you always put yourself down. You were incredible looking after me when you were still ill, studying, cooking, keeping fit. You’re as organised and strong as me Mia.’

  ‘Hmmm. So you’re really not going to tell me if we’re going to Edinburgh or not?’

  ‘No, not yet.’ He had an amused look back on his face and I shook my head exasperated, but enjoyed watching him driving again, my cheek against the cool leather of the headrest as I drank him in. It was weird, we hadn’t had sex in seventeen days, yet I felt closer to him than ever. I was still seriously horny, yet since I’d accepted he wasn’t going to break the drought it seemed to make it easier to bear. At first I’d been worried that he’d go elsewhere looking for it, but the way he cared for me when I was upset, the fact that he hardly ever left my side … he was so the opposite of my bio-dad, the one who’d screwed me up with my ideas on how relationships worked. I was happy, seriously happy, sex would just be the cherry on top of an already delicious cake.

  ‘Love face,’ he whispered with a huge smile as he glanced over at me. I nodded and put my hand over his on the gear stick. ‘What are you thinking baby?’

  ‘How much I love you and that I’m so lucky to have you love me back the same
.’

  ‘I do,’ he lifted his hand, clasping mine and kissed it.

  ‘I know, I think I’ve seen the best and worst of you Gabe Austin and you me, yet we’re still together.’

  ‘We are and I can’t wait for us to live together, I never want to be apart from you again baby. Last night was hell.’

  ‘For me too, I had to take a sleeping tablet at 3 a.m. as I couldn’t drop off.’

  ‘Why do you have sleeping tablets?’ he frowned.

  ‘Emergency use only Gabe, Mum has them on prescription. If I get stressed or upset I take one to help calm me down and knock me out.’

  ‘Your Mums? You know you’re not supposed to take someone else’s prescription right? It’s bloody dangerous,’ he snapped fixing me with a glare.

  ‘No more dangerous than stumbling about on lack of sleep,’ I protested.

  ‘Yes it is Mia. Promise you’ll flush them? If you need them see your doctor and get your own. What’s stressing you? Your Dad?’

  ‘No. I told you I was fine about that, I just missed you last night and I was worrying about you overdoing it, then with the excitement of our trip and the apartment, my brain was racing that’s all.’

  ‘You’re sure?’ he challenged.

  ‘Yes, I’m sure. Stop worrying about me. I’m fine, tired but fine.’ I squeezed his hand to reassure him as he focussed back on the road. He refused to leave me alone in the car at the supermarket and held my hand tightly as we wandered around, and I saw him slip some herbal relaxation tablets in his basket. He then sulked as I insisted on paying for the shopping.

  As soon as we got home and dropped the bags in the kitchen he dragged me to the bathroom and made me pull out the prescription tablets.

  ‘Mia these are seriously strong,’ he scowled.

  ‘I know, that’s why I only take one when it’s needed. Gabe no,’ I shouted as he headed to the toilet with the bottle. ‘At least let me have one for tonight,’ I pleaded. ‘I don’t want to be crabby on our first day away.’

  ‘Trust me you won’t need to take one,’ he replied with a mysterious smile as he emptied the contents and flushed the chain. I fixed him with a disapproving glare, surmising it must be a short flight. We were going to back to Scotland then, but why so late at night? What was he up to? ‘Wow, I’ve not seen sexy hot angry Mia for a while,’ he grinned as he tugged me to him.

  ‘You’ve not pissed me off for a while, until now,’ I scowled.

  ‘That day we had that fight in the car park, when you slapped me again, I wanted to fuck you so badly. I wanted to pin you to the car, face down, rip your knickers off and slam into your tight little arse to hurt you, that’s how furious you made me,’ he growled sexily as he kissed my neck.

  ‘O God,’ I sighed as the sensation rippled through my body. I was hypersensitive after so long without his touch. ‘The thought of it’s so hot Gabe, but you really scared me that night. I knew you were hurt and wanted to hurt me back and it frightened me you being that close to me with that vacant look in your eyes.’

  ‘You really think I’d have gone that far?’ he asked quietly as his lips worked their way along the side of my neck.

  ‘I wasn’t sure that night Gabe, I’d never seen you so angry,’ I sagged against him as my legs went weak. What was he doing? Was he giving me a green light for sex?

  ‘I was Mia, but I’d never physically hurt you that way. I may be a possessive controlling arsehole sometimes, but I’d never fuck you against your will, though I love the idea of having to subdue you to fuck you.’

  ‘You do?’ I sighed, clocking that bit of information, trembling as he hit my favourite spot on my neck.

  ‘Yes, it makes me hot just thinking about it. You wriggling and squirming on the bed and me having to restrain you.’

  ‘Please, stop,’ I groaned. I’d just felt a flood of arousal ruining my underwear and my nipples were already painful.

  ‘Do you want me right now?’

  ‘Yes,’ I answered without hesitation and he pulled his head back and clasped my face as he looked at me.

  ‘Would you fuck me now if you could overpower me?’

  ‘No,’ I shook my head vigorously.

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Because you said we only could only have sex again when you said it was time Gabe,’ I whispered my chest heaving as I looked up at him.

  ‘You’d refrain to please me?’

  ‘Yes,’ I nodded, vaguely aware that he grunted a noise of approval. He was right, sexually I was pretty much a submissive, I wanted him so badly I could probably convince myself to do anything he told me to, if it meant that one day he’d reward me by fucking me again.

  ‘O baby,’ he sighed as he kissed me deeply, knocking the wind out of me. I felt him sit me up on the sink unit as his tongue lashed at mine and he pinned my hands behind my back. ‘You do please me, so much,’ he whispered in my ear and when I opened my eyes, feeling slightly dazed, I was alone in the bathroom. What was he doing? I’d tried to bury that need for him deep inside me, it was like he’d just poked the dragon out of hiding with his medieval sword. Desire was crawling around my body, clawing with its talons trying to find a way out. I unsteadily made my way into the lounge and found Lexi lying on the sofa as I collapsed in the recliner.

  ‘Holy shit, did you just break the ban?’ she asked wide eyed. I shook my head. ‘You look like you did, you’re all flushed and your eyes are glazed. What just happened?’

  ‘He kissed me,’ I groaned.

  ‘His kiss can make you look like that? God, that’s so not fair,’ she frowned.

  ‘Hmmm,’ I nodded, still a bit stunned and sat in a daze as Lexi started her Xbox game.

  ‘Ok baby?’ Gabe asked. I looked up to see him standing in the doorway smiling to himself, if I had any energy I’d give him a mouthful for doing that to me, I’d lost all ability to function. ‘Dinner’s nearly ready, we’ll wait for Doug. Need anything?’

  ‘No thanks,’ called Lex.

  ‘Baby?’ he raised a questioning eyebrow at me. I shook my head and he chuckled and disappeared. I looked back at Lexi who was observing me carefully.

  ‘Damn, you’ve got it so bad for that boy Mia,’ she sighed and turned back to her Xbox. She wasn’t wrong there I thought as I drifted off into a happy snooze dreaming of bondage tape and Gabe’s perfect naked body.

  I opened my eyes when I felt someone shaking me. I squinted and groaned to see Lexi hovering over me.

  ‘Some bloody company you are on our last night together,’ she moaned.

  ‘What? You were playing on your Xbox,’ I protested as I struggled upright and rubbed my eyes.

  ‘Only because you were in some post orgasmic daze, without the bloody orgasm.’

  ‘It’s not my fault, he whipped me into frenzy, without the actual whip this time,’ I smiled.

  ‘Seriously? You do that stuff?’

  ‘No whip, but we have a paddles and a flogger as well as the bondage rope and stuff. It’ll all need dusted off it’s been that long.’

  ‘You’re a kinky sod Mia Page.’

  ‘So it seems,’ I grinned as I stretched out. ‘Hmmm, what’s that smell?’

  ‘Dinners ready, it’s just after nine and you’re leaving soon so get up and get with the program.’ She pulled me up and we joined the boys in the kitchen. I tried not to look at Gabe, needing to snap out of this daze he’d put me in, and tucked into a delicious lemon chicken stir fry and enjoyed a glass of crisp white wine and a zesty lemon tart as we all chatted.

  ‘You ok?’ his voice whispered in my ear. ‘You’ve not looked at me all through dinner.’

  ‘I’m trying to stay focussed, you had me all in pieces earlier.’

  ‘Just by kissing you?’ He sounded surprised.

  ‘Yes, I’ve told you before how good you are,’ I muttered as my cheeks turned pink.

  ‘Good to know,’ he murmured as he kissed my ear.

  ‘Jesus Gabe, you’ve got her for nearly a week, leave her b
e will you?’ snapped Lexi and we all looked around at her surprised. ‘Sorry, it’s just four days was bad enough when you went last time, this time it’s five and you’re … you’re … far away.’ She stood up quickly, her chair scrapping on the floor as she stalked out of the room and we heard a door slam.

  ‘Ok I swear this time I’ve done nothing to piss her off,’ muttered Doug as he stood.

  ‘I’ll go Doug, help Gabe clear up will you?’ I asked as I stood and went to find her lying face down on her bed. ‘Lex? What’s going on?’

  ‘You don’t even know do you?’

  ‘Know what?’

  ‘This was our last night living together Mia and you don’t even seem bothered.’

  ‘No it’s not,’ I said as I sat beside her.

  ‘Yes it is. You’re going now for six nights, then we’re at Gabe’s over Christmas then you’ll be moving in next door.’

  ‘It’s next door Lexi, I’m not moving away.’

  ‘May as well be, I just wanted us to have a night, just the two of us before you left.’

  ‘It was just the two of us last night.’

  ‘And bloody Christmas cards,’ she grumbled.

  ‘So we’ll have a night between Christmas and New Year, just you and me, no distractions ok?’

  ‘Really?’ she looked up at me all hopeful.

  ‘Of course and we’re still going to have our Tuesday and Friday nights Lex. Gabe’s working really hard on letting us spend time together, we just had a really nice weekend away together thanks to him, plus there’s Uni time too. Don’t forget if we are going to work at Peppers together we’re going to need to spend extra time studying too. If anything I think we’ll spend more time together.’

  ‘You’re my only family Mia.’

  ‘No I’m not, you have Mum, Gerry and Georgie. Plus you have Gabe and Doug now too,’ I said gently. She shrugged and I lay down next to her and pulled her into a cuddle and she buried her face in my neck and sighed.