by Tori Alvarez
“I gotta go.” I walk away to find Alex.
This has always been my safe place. I belonged here. I knew how to survive here. But looking at myself now, I have changed. As much as I wanted to get out before, I always came crawling back to the safety I knew existed. Somewhere in the middle of all of this, things changed, and the safety my neighborhood had provided is now suffocating. A lightbulb comes on. This isn’t my life anymore.
“Alex!” I yell across the room to get his attention.
As soon as he sees me, he knows. I see him wave someone over to him. Javie’s heading in my direction with my keys in hand.
“Ready?”
I nod, walking to the front door.
Chapter 18
Exposed
Garrett
I’m looking for a reason to cancel on Kevin. I don’t know what he has planned, but I know whatever it is won’t be good for me. He is insistent I need to know the ‘real’ Toni, but I think I may know her better than he does. She doesn’t let people in, giving them only the mask she wears. There were very brief moments where it slid off and I was able to see the real her before she realized and placed it back on.
If he knows something about her, it’s not the important part. It’s superficial and is a waste of my time. But even so, I am curious what he thinks will change my mind.
My phone vibrates on the table.
On my way
No backing out now. Since he lives a couple of buildings away, the Uber has already been ordered. I do find it strange it is only the two of us going. When he goes out, he’s infamous for inviting everyone, ensuring he has a posse surrounding him. He basks in his position, unlike me. We are polar opposites in the attention department. He enjoys girls throwing themselves at him. He doesn’t mind tossing them when he’s done. He will probably end up marrying the next ‘Real Housewife’ while I want to repel them all.
The knock on my door cues the beginning of what I fear will be a very long evening.
“Hey,” I announce as I open the door.
“Uber is here. Ready?”
It’s already awkward. It is at this moment I realize I have never been anywhere with Kevin on our own. He is a frat brother, but not my favorite person, so I have never had the inclination to hang alone with him. I should have taken a couple of shots.
“Yeah.” I grab my keys from the counter to lock up.
Since he ordered the car, I don’t know where we are headed. Small talk about upcoming mixers and duties are the only things we have in common to discuss. The driver parks at a bar we frequent.
“I thought you had things you had to show me?” I ask, confused why we are here.
“I do and I will, but it’s still too early. Drinks first,” he answers, exiting the car.
I follow, still not understanding where the night is going to take me.
“If any of the other guys are here, do not invite them with us when we leave to our next location.”
“Okay.” This is sounding more cryptic and has me wondering what we will be doing. “Where are we going?”
“I’ll tell you later.”
We take two seats at the bar and wave the bartender over.
“A couple of Shiners and Patrons.” He is quick to order.
I take my card out to hand her for the tab. He pushes my hand with the card back.
“Let me. I’m not sure you are going to be happy with me after tonight.” He slides his card to her.
“If I’m not going to be happy, why take me or show me? Leave well enough alone.” My frustration is at an all-time high.
“I’m doing this because if it were me, I would want to know. That’s it.” The bartender places our drinks on the bar in front of us. He grabs his shot glass and holds it up, waiting for me. I grab mine, tapping the bar before tossing it back quickly. I need something to calm the edge.
“What can you tell me?” I ask before bringing the beer bottle to my mouth. As it flows down my throat, I can’t seem to want to stop. Half the beer is gone before I place the bottle back down. I wave her down to bring another. No reason to sit with an empty in front of me.
“I can tell you what you won’t do after.” The seriousness in his voice cannot be ignored. He lets the statement hang before continuing. “You won’t be chasing her or missing her anymore. You will realize you dodged a bullet.”
“Then just tell me and forget about this cloak-and-dagger routine you have going. Enough with the fuckin’ dramatics. Man up and just say it.” I wish he would spit whatever it is out.
“I can’t. You need to see to believe. If you don’t, then there will always be a what-if.”
I can’t decide if he is doing this for himself or to ‘save’ me. I know he has a history with her—one that they do not speak about. He has never been this invested in any girl I’ve dated. Although, no girl has brought me to my knees before.
“Then tell me your history with her,” I push back.
“I can’t. Not yet. But it will come.” His calmness is irritating.
Not comfortable with where the night is going, I move to something stronger to numb whatever may come my way.
Many drinks later, we are back in an Uber. I am, again, ignorant to the next location. The ride is completely silent until I recognize what part of town we are on. We are heading back to the strip club he mentioned before.
“Why are we heading to the club?” I ask in irritation. “I came already. You threw out the bait, and I took it that night. Nothing came of it, so why are we here?”
“I figured you did. But I did my homework.” His ambiguous answer increases the annoyance.
I drop my head back on the headrest, not ready for what I may see.
Kevin passes the bouncer at the door and nods at him in recognition. He waves at the woman collecting the cover without giving her any money. He knows this place and knows it well. I follow him along the wall to a table in the back, close to the one I sat in the last time. He takes a seat, so I follow suit.
I scan the area. There is a woman onstage, performing to an upbeat older song. She oozes sexuality as she discards each piece of clothing she removes. It’s not Toni. The suspense of waiting for the other shoe to drop is nerve-wracking.
I watch as women are walking the floor, hoping for private dances. The cocktail waitresses flirt while keeping everyone filled and happy. I watch as a waitress seductively walks around the table, taking orders, passing each man, slightly rubbing herself on them. A hand dragging across a back, her side up against one, and another, she is leaning her breasts on his upper arm. I stare in agony of what may be in my very near future.
The wait has come to an end. It’s Toni. She walks out from behind the bar and stops at a table. She is wearing very short black shorts with a top exposing her midriff and cleavage. Her flirtatious mannerisms can clearly be seen. Jealousy comes hard and fast.
“Don’t.” Kevin places his hand on my arm. “If you don’t want to be kicked out in the next thirty seconds, you will keep that in check,” he warns.
My body is tense, watching the men at the table much too friendly with her. I hold myself steady to watch her. I can tell she’s flirting, but her smile is too big, and her body stiffens as one tries to touch her. She moves swiftly out of his reach. I watch the other waitress again and clearly see the difference between the two. Unless you are studying them, you wouldn’t see the difference. All men notice is a beautiful woman who is paying attention to them.
The tension, while still there, begins to slowly dissolve. I don’t want her here, and I still don’t understand what is going on, but I can see through the part she is playing. I watch her as she turns in my direction. Her eyes meet mine, and time stops. I want nothing more than to go to her. Kiss her. Claim her. But there is still so much that hasn’t been said.
Toni
What. The. Fuck. How is he here? I can’t move. Everything I have tried to hide for so long is coming undone. Kevin is sitting right next to him. His smirk is in complete
opposition to the pain marring Garrett’s face. This is not the first time I have been hurt, and it won’t be the last. This seems to be the story of my life. The cards I was dealt. There is no other choice than to go over there and get this night over with. I can’t see them staying long.
“Funny running into you here.” I try and make light of the agonizing situation we are in.
“I would say so,” Kevin pipes in, even though my comment was directed to Garrett.
“Usual?” I look directly at Kevin this time. He has never been in here without a large party of older men. I figured they were all his daddy’s partners, clients, or something of the sort. Kevin has always been the youngest in the group. The usual for them is bottle service. If Kevin wants to out my secret, I won’t bother keeping his.
“Nah. It’s just the two of us tonight.”
“Then what will it be?” I place my hand on my waist and cock a hip, impatient with the shenanigans already.
“Just bring a pitcher of Dos XX.”
“Fine.” I turn to face Garrett head on. He has been watching our exchange. “Want anything?” My bravado is slipping.
He shakes his head slowly, no sound leaving his mouth.
I turn quickly, needing to find a place where I can breathe again. I walk to the back and enter the dressing room, because those damn tears want to escape again. No. This will not happen. I gain my composure back. I find the closest machine to place in all my orders. Tonight will be like any other. He is like any other.
At the bar, I yell over the music to get Sasha’s attention. She may manage, but she spends the majority of her time at the main bar.
“What’s up?”
“Two shots. I didn’t ring them up,” I ask for a favor. I never do this, so she quickly obliges.
She hands me two Jager shots with my order. I make my way to drop off drinks at another table, saving Garrett and Kevin’s table for last.
I place the pitcher with two glasses on the table first. I then place one shot in front of each of them.
“These are on me. Cheers! Have a good evening.” And with this declaration, I quickly glance at Garrett and walk away. He still has not said a word to me. He’s probably sorry he spent so much time chasing.
Garrett
Words don’t seem to want to leave my mouth. Everything I think I would want to say is either stupid or too personal I won’t want to say it in front of Kevin. I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing how hurt I feel right now. I don’t want him to know that this doesn’t change much for me. I don’t want to have the conversation with her out in the open.
I lift the shot she placed in front of me and down it. I pour a glass from the pitcher and finish it in a couple of swallows.
“Ready to go.” I place a few twenties on the table for her. I know this should cover everything and leave her a good tip.
“What are you doing, man? I got this.” He picks up the money, handing it back to me.
“Like I said, ready to go. Leave the money there and let’s go.” I stand, waiting for him to follow me.
“We still have more beer.” He’s having too much fun at my expense. I grab the money from his hand and walk to the bar. I get the attention of a cute blonde.
“Can you have our waitress close us out?” I point to our table. I’m not sure if waitresses go by their names or use ‘stage’ names like the dancers. “This should cover it.” I hand her the money.
“Sure thing, sweetie.”
Chapter 19
Now what?
Toni
He left without a single word said to me. I placed myself behind the bar, hidden by a tower of bottles, to watch them. There was nothing to watch. He left. The hole I felt before widened a bit more. A couple of minutes after Garrett walked out, Kevin followed. I wanted to ask him why he would do this but decided it wouldn’t be worth it. He did it because he thinks he’s better than me. End of story. No reason to get into a no-win argument.
The rest of the night was a blur of delivering drinks and keeping the fakest smile I could muster plastered on. I doubted my tips were going to be anywhere what I was used to, because I had put no effort into the tables except to take orders and deliver. I didn’t chat, flirt, or tease. The energy it would have taken seemed so out of reach.
Falling into my bed after tonight is needed. Now, if I could find a way not to leave. The possibility of running into Garrett somewhere on campus is too much. Now, my reason for not running into him is so much more dire. Before, it was for my heart’s safety, but now it is me needing to save face. The lonely college student persona I’ve had in place for the past three years has come undone. One look at me and where I work can have him assuming correctly about my past. Past? It’s my present. I haven’t left. I’ve been playing pretend. I never really belonged here. It was me hoping to take enough steps forward. Enough steps away to break the bands that tether me to the south side.
I drift, drowning in dread and despair.
As soon as I open my eyes with the sun shining a new day, the hurt and anger I felt last night comes roaring back. There is only one thing left to do.
My place. Both of you
I hit send. I’m sinking in quicksand, and the more I fight it, the faster I sink. A list of things I have to do is forming in my head, so I begin typing them out in the notes app on my phone.
What happened?
Now! I respond angrily.
Fine
I throw on some leggings and an oversized hoodie over Garrett’s shirt—the only thing I will be taking home from my time away.
A knock on my door announces their arrival as they walk in.
“We’re here. What happened?” Alex walks in first with Javie close behind.
“We need to move me out. I don’t know where your dad is going to stay, maybe the couch like he did when we were little, but I need my room back.” I sit up, crossing my legs underneath me. I take out my phone, opening the notes app to check my list.
Alex drags a chair close to me, and Javie sits at the foot of the bed. They are both just watching me, not sure what to say.
“Why are we moving you out?” Javie breaks the silence that has loomed for the past several seconds.
“Because I’m dropping out.” This all needs to be done expeditiously. “I believe if I’m out before the end of the month, I won’t have to pay anything. This place always has a waitlist for apartments since they are so cheap and close to campus. I’m sure they can fill it quickly with no penalty.” I glance up from my phone. “We need to collect boxes from the grocery and liquor store today so I can start packing up.”
“And don’t forget to borrow a truck. We have a week. I need to start looking for work too. Figure out what I’m going to do. I can’t wait tables at a strip club my whole life. Long-term plans. That’s what I need.”
“STOP!” Alex raises his voice to break through my ramble. He takes a moment before he continues. “Before we do all that, you have to let us know why.”
The walls I had constructed so carefully to protect myself crumbled last night. If I explain, they will see just how broken I’ve become. I stare at Alex, hoping I win the war of wills. Javie crawls up the bed to sit next to me and envelopes me in his arms. My head drops into his chest, and all the feelings I was trying to ignore flood out of my eyes. Hot tears stream down steadily.
After several moments, I turn my face to look at Alex. “He found out.”
“How?”
I sit up so I can face both Alex and Javie. “At the frat party where I met Garrett, I also ran into a guy who frequents the club. Kevin comes in quite a bit with older gentlemen. He wanted me to leave the party, but my stubbornness won. I stayed and met Garrett. They are frat brothers. I didn’t know Kevin attended here. I never share my life, so I don’t ask about anyone’s either.”
I pause, everything a jumble of memories and no real good explanation now that I have to say it out loud.
“I was worried about Kevin at first, bu
t when it seemed he kept my secret, I let my guard down. Now Garrett also knows where I work.”
“How?” Javie’s brows pull in question.
“He and Kevin came to the club last night.”
“Did he make a scene?”
“No.”
“Then it’s no big deal,” Alex chimes in.
“You all know I hadn’t made friends with anyone here. I came to classes and stayed true to my southside roots for friends—until this year, when Alex made me venture out, not come home. I started making friends here, but now that people know what I do, I know they will either judge me or pity me. And I don’t need either of those things in my life.”
“Two guys know what you do to support yourself through college. You wait tables. Lots of people do. Who gives a flying fuck, Toni?” Alex spits out angrily. “You are not dropping out, and you are not coming back. End of story.” He stands, arms crossed in front of him with a scowl, daring me to challenge him.
“I am and I will.” Alex may scare half of the neighborhood, but he doesn’t scare me.
“Guys. Just pause.” Javie is the mediator, knowing how stubborn both of us can be. “Toni…” He pauses until he knows he has my attention. “Explain to me, please.”
“I al—” I begin, but Javie places his hand in front of me to stop and interrupts.
“No, you didn’t. All you have said is you are dropping out because two pricks know. Tell me more. Tell me why them knowing has you throwing everything you have worked for these past three years away.”