by Joy, E. n.
I was stuck on that one because my feelings for him were two-fold: I felt a genuine spiritual connection with him, but at the same time a fleshly one as well.
"Truthfully?" I questioned, not sure if I should be very frank with him.
"That's the only way to be, right?"
"Okay, well, I feel a strong connection between you and me. Yet, I know my limits and yours. If we had met under different terms, meaning, both of us single, I'd be on it."
Now he began to pucker his lips slowly, shifting them from side to side under his nose and closing his eyes. "Understood. Well, you know what I think?" he began, moving a little closer to me. Now I could really smell his John Varvatos cologne. "I think you're a beautiful woman who's been through a lot, but when I look into your eyes, I see your true desires."
"True desires?"
"Yes... to be with me."
How self-centered and confident, I mused. But I couldn't hate on him. After all, he was one-hundred per- cent right.
"I see that all you want to be is loved: loved unconditionally," he continued. "And one of God's commandments is that we love each other. So if I'm going to be obedient to God, then I have to love you. And I don't think it truly matters to God if the man who loves you is married or not. That's what I think."
Whether he was manipulating me with God's words or not, it sounded good to me. It felt good. The next thing I knew, his right hand softly touched my shoulder and his eyes glimpsed into my pupils.
"Is that right?" I said, starry eyed, stretching my bare toned thigh from under my other leg.
"Tell me I'm wrong," he said, peering deeper at me. Show me in the Bible where it says we are to love one another... unless we are married. There is no exception to the commandment. Now if you know otherwise," he challenged me, "then show me I'm wrong."
I couldn't. Now I hadn't read the Bible from cover to cover, but from what I had read, I didn't recall God making any exceptions to loving a person.
"Do you also want to know what I feel?" He lured me right into that one.
The ending of the movie I had been watching prior to Duvall's arrival came to an end. Normally I'd be pissed if I had sat through an entire movie but missed the conclusion. For some reason, though, it didn't matter since this was gaining to a better finish.
"Please share," I said to Duvall, cutting off the television. He had my full attention.
"I feel that since October fourth, you and I have been holding back."
He remembered the day we met. How sentimental. I was really getting soft and pink now.
"I think about you often, Semora, and I feel guilty when it's after a passionate night with my wife. I can't seem to stop. I'm so glad you attend church regularly so I can see you. But in all honesty, it's not enough. And that's how I feel." There was a pause, then he got street on me. "So are you down?" He leaned in close to me.
I commenced to rubbing my upper lip with my bot- tom lip to make sure they were moist and ready for what I could feel was to come. My eyes were blinking, fighting the urge to take control.
Duvall removed a mint from his pocket, leaving me in a still position. His left hand palmed the right side of my face.
With gentle force, he demanded an answer. "I asked you, are you down?"
"Duvall, we can't. What about Avoria? I've grown to like your wife. She has done nothing but embrace me with open arms." With the last bit of hope that both of us would come to our senses, I blurted out, "I can't betray Avoria like that. She put her trust in me. We can't. More so, I can't betray God."
"God understands that we are flesh," Duvall tried to convince me. "And this business about you can't betray Avoria; why not?" He moved back from me in concern. "What she doesn't know won't hurt her. I know you want this as much as me."
"I do, but I just can't," my lips said, all the while my body saying, "Yes, you can."
Duvall didn't let my words convict him any, and the next thing I knew, he placed a soft kiss on my lips. "Yes, you can."
I hadn't been kissed like that since Justin. Duvall's touch felt right even though I knew it was wrong.
As if he had read my body language, he kissed me again. This time his kisses ran down my neck.
"Please, don't," I said in an inaudible whisper. It was as if I didn't really want him to hear me, but for my own conscience, I needed to say it.
Ignoring my plea, he continued showering me with kisses. "I want you to feel what I have for you," he seductively expressed to me.
"Duvall, no," I said to him, realizing I was sounding like a woman who was truly saying, yes.
Finally, he let loose of me. And just as I had envisioned in my fantasy, he unbuttoned his shirt with the slyest look on his face. Next, he removed his white tee shirt.
My inside melted like a dilapidated overnight piece of chewing gum. I breathed in powerfully. My heart was racing and my mind was wondering if I was ready to accept the consequences of our actions. Whether I was ready or not, Duvall was, and within minutes, the two of us had become one.
I must admit, the thought of him having a wife completely escaped my mind. She would never know. No one would ever knownobody but God.
***
Laying alone and snug up under my sheets, I exhaled. At that moment, I could understand why Avoria was madly in love with Duvall. I, too, had fallen for him. Just hours ago, I had fallen way too deep. But the feeling of complete love he had given me was worth any consequence that might come my way, especially if it meant more nights like this.
After rewinding my night with Duvall in my head a few more times, I finally dozed off in a dreamless sleep. I was then awakened by the ringing of my house phone.
"Hello," I answered with a dragging voice.
"Did I give you something to dream about?" Duvall spoke.
A smile crept across my face. "Yes," I admitted. "Good." There was that confidence again.
Both of us became silent, waiting for the next response.
"Listen... " With the tone he used when he began his sentence, I knew what he was going to say. I wanted to immediately share with him, though, that he had nothing to worry about; that I'd keep things on the low. But I let him continue.
"This is only for you and me to know about; nobody else," he told me.
"As long as you're down, I'm down," I conceded.
"That's what I needed to hear. You sleep tight. Sweet dreams, angel."
"Goodnight, Mr. Armor Bearer." I hung up the phone, my smile fading.
He had called me angel. That sent a stream of guilt rushing through me. Because an angel, I was anything but.
Chapter Five
Midnight Hour
A week later, I was still in awe of Duvall. He'd sent me flowers for three days in a row, attached with playful notes. The last note I received indicated that I should meet him after revival later that night, at midnight, at our community bowling alley. I thought for sure he was tripping, wanting me to meet him in public and at such a late hour. However, it didn't stop me from going.
I pulled up to the bowling alley dressed in the church clothes I had worn to the revival. Duvall was nowhere in sight, so I waited for him to appear.
I made it a rule to never call his cell phone unless he requested me too, because I didn't want to blow his cover and draw suspicion with Avoria. He'd already shared with me that she would be out of town, ministering in song, at another church, but I was still guarded.
Interrupting the silence, Duvall was hitting my cell. I quickly took his call. "Hello."
"Pull your car around back and get into my Durango," he instructed with that same authority he used when ministering at church.
I passed the bright fluorescent Pocomoke Bowling Alley lights to the rear where it was darker with next to no traffic. I parked my car and grabbed my purse to get inside of his SUV.
"Are you sure about this?" I asked, still a little nerved as I closed the door.
"You miss me?" He eluded my question. A sign that he was sure.
; Bit by bit, I sliced my eyes at him and aggressively leaned in to mack him down.
"Yes," I casually responded when I finished macking him.
"You were watching me closely tonight during service. Remember, God is a jealous God. Pay attention to the word."
"Thank you." I accepted his chastisement. I had been watching him and thinking of the next time he would swing me.
So charming and hard to resist, I moved in to kiss him again. This time, he matched my aggressiveness, moisturizing my eyebrows and my lips.
"Sit back for a minute, relax," he told me, putting his SUV in drive.
We drove for a bit to an area that I hadn't ever ven- tured to before. It was deep inside the state creek park. It was pitch black, but the starlight was bright in view.
"What's back here?" I inquired ruminatively.
"Us."
With a glossy look in his eyes, I knew what he was alluding to. I'd never done anything as risqué as this.
"But somebody will see us."
So calm and collected he said, "I'm not scared, are you?" He could tell, as I observed my surroundings that I wasn't as 'bout it as him. "Don't worry about a thing. No one will ever know," he assured me.
And it worked, because I was worry free as he wrapped his body up with mine with the star lights reflecting off our bodies.
***
As much as I wanted this affair to stop, I wanted it to continue. Duvall was all in my head, and nothing about my interaction with Avoria, Pastor Wyatt, church or God forced me to want to stop deceiving them. Duvall's love, his wisdom, and his words were just so powerful that it affected any rational thinking.
I knew if I could just get him out of my mind, I might have a chance of taking authority over temptation. I tried to involve myself more with the activities, groups and committees to fill some of my free time since I knew an idle mind was the devil's workshop. That still didn't work. Each time Duvall called me, I was there for him, adhering to his call. I wanted to stop, maybe just a little, but it was as if I couldn't on my own free will.
As long as he appealed to me, I was willing. And instead of taking it easy, we became more involved.
Chapter Six
Shining Star
I had been a member of Tabernacle for over six months now and Avoria had grown very fond of me, and I of her. I had been staying after service to help in all areas that I could. I had finally held my first female only teen meeting with the assistance of Avoria. The Monday night meeting had gone well, and once all of the girls were picked up, Avoria and I were the only two left behind at the church tidying up.
"Semora, can you prepare the materials for group tomorrow night?" Avoria asked in a demanding-for- results sort of way.
"Sure," I replied.
Lately, I'd become her "go to" gal; almost as if I was her assistant. I prepped, made phone calls, and assisted her with groups under her leadership.
"You're a sweetie, you know that? I appreciate you so much. God knew we needed you in this church." She gave me the most sincere hug to show me her appreciation of me. And I knew that right away my insides probably turned black. I didn't deserve her accolades. "Why don't you let me take you out to grab a bite so that you don't have to cook when you get home? Just a token of my appreciation," she suggested.
I wanted to say, "Sure," but I had already agreed to meet her husband at my place. "Maybe another time; I have other things planned this evening."
She darted her glimmering eyes in my direction and kindly stated, "Say you promise," shifting her body in a slanted figure eight stance.
"I promise."
"You better," she smiled. "You're a pretty woman.
You mind me asking if you have a man? I mean, you come to church alone, which I guess doesn't mean any- thing. There are married women who can't get their husband's to come to church. But I was just wondering. I know Daddy preaches about not having premarital sex, but girls do have needs," she whispered, winking. "You can talk to me. I promise I won't judge you."
All of a sudden, I forgot that I was standing there talking to my lover's wife. At that moment she took on the role of a confidant. "Sort of," I hesitated. "I was in a long term relationship. We went through some trouble."
"Anything so serious that it can't be repaired?" I shrugged. "You know, God can mend anything. You do believe that don't you."
"Sure," I told her.
"And did you love this guy?"
I nodded. "Actually I did." A smile covered my face as I thought back to some of the good times Justin and I had shared. "But he hurt me." My smile faded.
"But God's word says that we must forgive. And you know, not forgiving others can really hinder us in our blessings. It can keep our prayers from being answered because in Mark 11:24 it says that whatever you pray for, believe that you have already received it and you shall have it. But in Mark 11:25 it says that when ye stand in prayer, forgive."
Avoria was truly schooling me on the word. And I was receiving it. "You know what?" I told her. "I think I'll give him another chance. But there is a problem, he's not saved."
"Girl, don't worry about that for now. Most times saved folk are worse than 'people of the world'," she laughed, mimicking her father.
I had to hold my comment, because my guilt had me believing she was pointing directly at me.
"All men go through changes, as do women. Nobody's perfect. In the fifteen years Duvall and I have been married, we've had our share of ups and downs. I love him though; wouldn't change one thing about him. He's such a good man to me."
For a brief moment, I caught a glimpse of her euphoric flash as she closed her eyes and smoothed her tongue over her lips.
For that second, I was jealous. Jealous that he loved her the same way he loved me; as if he shouldn't.
"Semora, you okay?" she asked with a look of concern.
"Huh?" I responded, dazed.
"For a minute there I thought you had zoned off on me."
"Oh, no." I played it off. "It's been a long day. I'm worn out, that's all."
"You haven't seen long days until you've walked in my shoes. Try being perfect all day, photo shoots for flyers, banners and billboards, traveling all the time, downing ten cups of coffee just to stay alert. I tell you, it's no fun. Then I have to handle my responsibilities at the church and at home. Girl, I'm always tired."
"Well, I'm here for you at the church. I don't mind helping you at all."
"I know. Thanks again, sweetie. Maybe Duvall and I can take you and your friend out to dinner sometime. You know, it can kind of be like the two of yours icebreaker."
"That would be nice," I said, unhurried with mixed emotions.
"Yeah, and just think, God may have placed you in his life, and things might have happened the way they did, just so you could get stronger in your walk without him and then lead him to Christ. Think about it," Avoria said as she turned away and exited the room to get ready to lock up.
I thought about it alright. And as far as I was concerned, if I was in a position to lead anybody anywhere, it was straight to hell.
***
Later that evening, in the confines of my apartment, Duvall stretched back on my leather sofa with his boots kicked off and his feet propped up with a huge glass of ice tea chilling on my coffee table - comfortable to say the least.
"Come here," he patted symptomatically, asking me to take a seat next to him.
Dressed in a thin spaghetti tee and silk pajama pants, I cuddled next to him. He buried his face in my breasts.
"I love these," he confessed. "A real woman compared to my wife's double AA's. She's so stuck on her weight, everything is small."
Now he was too dang on comfortable, to the point where he felt it was cool to talk about his wife? And although he might have meant it to be a compliment, it wasn't. I actually found it to be rude of him, so I switched the subject.
"I was working with Avoria today at the church and she suggested that you two take Justin and me out for dinner."
>
"Justin?" he jittered, sitting up. That name seemed to have peaked his interest. "I haven't heard that name in a while. "I thought it's been months since you two last talked. Did you tell her 'no thanks'?"
"Nope, I didn't. Actually, I thought it might be a pretty good idea. Maybe it will be a step towards helping me to forgive Justin. And if nothing else, it might even help Justin by being with spiritual people. You never know; we could lead him to Christ. After all, that's our job, right?" Bet he won't talk about his wife's body parts and compare them to mine anymore, I thought.
Duvall sat puzzled. I could feel his quick breaths.
"So, you still have hope for him?"
"Of course. God's love isn't biased."
"Of course it isn't, but my love is." He absorbed a wet kiss on my back, gripping my shoulders tightly. It was his futile attempt to take my mind off of my ex. The jealousy in him made me smile inside. "If you bring Justin back in your life, what does that mean for me and you?"
"You're selfish."
"Really? Well, allow me to share my love with you so you can see that I'm not selfish at all."
That night, Duvall made love to me more passionately than he ever had. Even with an unsettling spirit, I dared not knock how this man had me drawn to him. I understood why Avoria loved him so much: he was so easy to love.
Chapter Seven
Bon A Petite
Despite how Duvall felt about it, that next day I called up Justin and invited him out to dinner with Duvall and Avoria after filling him in on what I had been up to.
"So it wasn't another man keeping you from me? It was God?" Justin said, sounding relieved, believing that I hadn't been avoiding him because I didn't love him anymore, but because I was trying to heal.
I lied by omission. I didn't correct him, but instead, allowed him to believe what he had drawn up in his head. And on that note, he accepted the dinner offer for that next evening.