HE MEANT:
expectation n. what people feel they get to have, without limit, as long as they tell you in advance. “I have high expectations for you in this basketball game,” Lloyd told his son, shortly after explaining what basketball was.
SHE MEANT:
expecting adj. pregnant. Applies only to women, despite men who try to get in on the fun by announcing, “We’re expecting.”
HE MEANT:
expecting v. pregnant. Not to be confused with expectorating.
SHE MEANT:
experience n. a supposed but ineffective source of knowledge. Immanuel Kant said you couldn’t learn from experience, probably because he didn’t have any himself. (See VIRGIN.) Lord Byron, who slept with anything that moved, said, “I learned everything from experience, that’s why I know nothing.” It’s not impossible to learn from experience—it’s just that repeating past mistakes is irresistible.
HE MEANT:
experience n. whatever someone lives through.
SHE MEANT:
explore v. to probe about. Explorers used to kill natives and ravish their lands. Today it is fashionable to explore without exploiting. Women are good at post-colonial exploration, because we enjoy analyzing people and always try to put things back where we found them.
HE MEANT:
explore v. a primal urge. A way to see and feel new things and people. A way to prepare against danger, to learn by risking. It is possible to explore emotions, but most men are not rewarded for that while young and never learn the skills.
SHE MEANT:
expose v. 1. to reveal too much about someone else’s duplicity, which can get you into trouble. 2. to show too much flesh, which can also get you into trouble.
HE MEANT:
expose v. to open one’s financial dealings, or one’s raincoat.
F
ON FISHING
Rooting for a nightcrawler amid mud, pulling it out for an appraisal, and impaling it on a barbed metal hook so that it is likely neither to die immediately nor to disintegrate during your cast—these activities have long kept fishing male.
The liberation of women, however, has led many to give fishing a try, whenever an unliberated man can be found to bait the hook. With the arrival of women, rules prohibiting conversation aboard boat or ashore—based on an untested hunch that such talk “scares the fish”—have been eased. It is now conceded that passing waterskiers pose more of a threat than words spoken above the surface.
And so men, who could once stare for silent hours at the place where their line met its watery reflection, feel a need to retreat still further. They can no longer count on fishing for a sedentary peace.
But an active peace remains, in the gurgling streams of the trout.
True, you can no longer sit still and pretend you are doing something. You also lose the need for worms. (When you used worms, you might not have caught a fish all day, but at least you knew you’d killed something.)
Trout fishing has other rewards. It enables the married or committed man to exercise his instincts, and stay in the hunt. All he has to do is change the object of his chase, from a woman to a fish.
He needs extra equipment—hip waders, a special pole, lures that are supposed to look like flies. A rumpled, vaguely dirty vest and a floppy hat earn extra credit.
Looking like this, he is ready to seduce a trout:
He must “present” the lure gently, so as not to frighten. That means a practiced cast, and (always important) you can tell a novice from an expert by his cast.
The smaller his hook, the more skill he needs to catch anything.
The fight a fish puts up is a measure of its worth.
A man’s skill is measured by how many he can catch.
What he catches, he generally doesn’t keep. Commitment is not only unnecessary—it is discouraged, so other fishermen can share the delight. A trout-fishing bumper sticker reads, “Love ’em and Leave ’em.”
Only the novice wants to keep what he catches.
SHE MEANT:
fable n. a tale with a moral. The only ones you need to know are the ant and the grasshopper (keep a savings account), the tortoise and the hare (quietly persevere and you’ll triumph over obnoxious people), and the fox and the grapes (dieting is good).
HE MEANT:
fable n. a tale with a moral. The only ones you need to know are the ant and the grasshopper (work hard or you’ll die), the tortoise and the hare (if you relax you’ll lose everything), and the fox and the grapes (a woman who won’t go out with you may still be sweet).
SHE MEANT:
fabulous adj. full of élan. Can apply to personality, fashion choices, or moral behavior.
HE MEANT:
fabulous adj. super. A word that, if you say it, no matter how much it fits, makes you a little… suspect, if you know what I mean. (A gutsy move, in a homophobic world.)
SHE MEANT:
fact n. an indisputable opinion. Winter is longer than summer. People with hips should avoid shirtdresses. Jane Austen rules.
HE MEANT:
fact n. an indisputable opinion. The Earth is round. Space is big. The best quarterback ever was Joe Montana.
SHE MEANT:
failure n. the inability to communicate.
HE MEANT:
failure n. the inability to perform.
SHE MEANT:
faint v. to swoon; to collapse in a heap. Once a popular social tool for expressing outrage, surprise, or guilt, fainting has gone the way of the corset and is now reserved for the truly deoxygenated.
HE MEANT:
faint adj. hard to discern. He heard a faint cry for help, and, unsure of its meaning, he ignored it.
SHE MEANT:
faith n. an irrational belief based on warm, loving feelings. Steve, an incurable romantic, had faith that Melinda would look great in a shirtdress.
HE MEANT:
faith n. a stubborn belief based on no facts whatsoever. Melinda, a Miami native, had faith that Dan Marino was as good as Montana.
SHE MEANT:
fake adj. to simulate a better reality than the one you know. Anne told Lloyd she had only faked three times with him.
HE MEANT:
fake v. a thing men do with love, so we won’t have to do it with sex. Lloyd told himself he bad only faked three months with Anne.
SHE MEANT:
fall 1. n. the rejuvenating autumn months, when one considers shopping for new wardrobe items, school courses, and romantic interests. 2. v. to careen into a void, such as a ravine, a mine shaft, or a state of ecstatic love. 3. n. The Fall: when Adam and Eve were forced to leave Eden after straying from God’s diet plans. Although it’s known as the “Fall of Man,” women are inevitably blamed for it. No one points out that God was encouraging the first eating disorder with His unrealistic attitude toward forbidden fruit and punishment.
HE MEANT:
fall v. to sink or droop. Steve, sitting attentively at the front of church, hoped his manhood would fall before he had to rise.
SHE MEANT:
false 1. adj. untrue. But Anne’s statement was false. 2. adj. unreal. But Jan’s eyelashes were false.
HE MEANT:
false adj. 1. misleading. As in a toupee or plastic fingernails. 2. in football, an improper play, which is penalized: false start. 3. in a relationship, an improper play, which may be penalized: For Lloyd, being false to Anne felt true.
SHE MEANT:
family n. people who offer one love and opinions without provocation.
HE MEANT:
family n. group that keeps a man going to work, so he can pay them enough to leave him in peace.
SHE MEANT:
fancy adj. formal. It is always better to err on the side of fancy. Then those around you can feel underdressed and insecure, instead of the other way around.
HE MEANT:
fancy adj. containing “ruffles,” “frills,” and other nonsense.
SHE MEANT:
fantasy n
. a plausible dream scenario involving people you know. Distinguished from reality only in that it hasn’t happened yet.
HE MEANT:
fantasy n. as many wet, willing, beautiful strangers as you want, without a chance of guilt, pregnancy, or other disease.
SHE MEANT:
fart v. to express flatulence and alienate friends.
HE MEANT:
fart v. to burp, from the other end.
SHE MEANT:
fashion n. a way of expressing oneself daily—or more frequently if one changes outfits often enough. Fashion industry: a business that dresses the insecure and anticipates the seasons. Other than corrupting the tradition of the Gregorian calendar and feeding the paranoias of the most impressionable anorexics, there is not much harm in it. SeeFAST.
HE MEANT:
fashion v. to make, as a cabinet.
SHE MEANT:
fast v. to stop eating in order to accommodate a given religious holiday or fashion trend. Can lead to lightheadedness, low blood sugar, spiritual epiphany, or becoming a size four. Not recommended for anyone who is already a size four. Feeling miserable, Jan glanced in the mirror and decided to fast.
HE MEANT:
fast adj. 1. rapid. 2. used to describe a woman who knows how to have a good time.
SHE MEANT:
fat adj. anything that seems remotely bulging or round, even if only for a moment.
HE MEANT:
fat adj. 1. a type of cell that stores excess energy. 2. a person of size.
SHE MEANT:
fate n. a force greater than oneself or other people; the reason that true love triumphs in a harsh world; an excellent guilty party to blame when love doesn’t triumph.
HE MEANT:
fate n. supernatural force that ensured you’d meet your wife, and your mistress.
SHE MEANT:
father n. someone who hates your boyfriends even more than you do.
HE MEANT:
father n. a man whose complete approval no son has ever won. This is good training for meeting the rest of the world.
SHE MEANT:
fault n. a personal flaw, best unmentioned until you’re having an argument, when faults can be listed as helpful examples.
HE MEANT:
fault n. 1. a crack in the earth’s crust where two continental plates rub against each other, causing quakes. 2. cracks in your character, which rub against the nerves of your partner, also causing quakes.
SHE MEANT:
faux pas n. literally “the wrong step.” Any movement or word that confirms everyone’s underlying suspicion that you are, at bottom, a nitwit.
HE MEANT:
faux pas n. a social error. For example, to loudly pass gas in front of certain women. It’s hard to make a faux pas in front of other men, although “Hey, Frank, your wife’s got a great rack” comes close.
SHE MEANT:
fawn v. to fawn upon: to become sycophantic around; to buy gifts for; to have an infinite amount of patience with, until your attentions are returned.
HE MEANT:
fawn 1. n. a young deer. 2. v. the reaction of young women to young deer.
SHE MEANT:
fear n. the feeling that at any moment a lunatic will throw you on the sidewalk.
HE MEANT:
fear n. the feeling that at any moment someone will call you a sissy.
SHE MEANT:
feature 1. n. a given physical attribute. 2. v. to display prominently. 3. n. a full-length film. The actor’s best features were featured in his last feature.
HE MEANT:
feature n. a part of someone or something, as in a stereo component, or a leg.
SHE MEANT:
feed v. 1. to nourish, unintentionally. Lloyd had no idea how his comments would feed Anne’s insecurities. 2. to nourish, intentionally. Anne sensed when Lloyd started feeding her the tortellini out of his palm that he still wanted her, and forgot about all those insecurities.
HE MEANT:
feed v. to gratify. If this meal went on much longer, Lloyd would have to go out to the street and feed the meter.
SHE MEANT:
feelings n. pl. the thoughts of the heart.
HE MEANT:
feelings n. pl. the disruptor beams of the brain.
SHE MEANT:
feminist n. anyone who knows that Pretty Woman was a movie that glamorized prostitution—and that Julia Roberts used a body double.
HE MEANT:
feminist n. one who supports a woman’s right to male privileges (volunteering for the military) without male responsibilities (getting drafted).
SHE MEANT:
femme fatale n. a woman whose attractiveness is so devastating, it may cause death. These women do not come with Surgeon General’s warnings attached; you just have to know.
HE MEANT:
femme fatale n. a total babe for whom you wouldn’t mind dying, even if she’s the one who pulls the trigger.
SHE MEANT:
fetish n. an obsession with a physical theme. Some etymologists believe that “fetish” and “feet” have the same root, which would explain why most men think of feet and most women think of shoes when the topic arises in polite conversation.
HE MEANT:
fetish n. a perverse attraction, i.e., an attraction to anything other than the following: breasts, shoulders, legs, lips, eyes, noses, cheeks, genitals, arms, buttocks, navels, backs, hands, sports cars, leather, cold cash, fresh linen, or foreign accents.
SHE MEANT:
fiancé(e) n. a word that indicates the poverty of the English language. In order to say you are a person planning to get married, you have to say it in French.
HE MEANT:
fiancé n. one who lacks the loneliness of the bachelor and the financial obligation of the husband.
SHE MEANT:
fiasco n. 1. a disaster. 2. a wine bottle with a basketlike covering. 3. a disaster involving drinking out of too many wine bottles with basketlike coverings.
HE MEANT:
fiasco n. an utter disaster—as in a condom breaking or the Knicks losing in the last minute of play.
SHE MEANT:
fierce adj. having sharp teeth or strong words.
HE MEANT:
fierce adj. at least as strong as you are, and angrier.
SHE MEANT:
finally adv. what you say to a man when he comes to his senses.
HE MEANT:
finally adv. what you should never say to a woman who has just agreed to go to bed with you.
SHE MEANT:
firm adj. a word that should describe as many parts of one’s body as possible for as many years as possible.
HE MEANT:
firm n. a parasitical organism of law or business, which maintains itself by calling its new hosts “partners” and making their fate inseparable from its own.
SHE MEANT:
firm up v. to confirm the existence of, as in a crucial appointment or a favorite body part.
HE MEANT:
firm up v. to add cement.
SHE MEANT:
first base n. 1. a stolen kiss. 2. an end in itself.
HE MEANT:
first base n. 1. the one even Rickey Henderson couldn’t steal. 2. a means to an end.
SHE MEANT:
first date1. n. a preliminary encounter. 2. adj. any choice preceding said encounter that is calculated to make a great first impression: a first-date smile.
HE MEANT:
first date n. your audition—a time of unmatched suspense which may change your life and your bank account.
SHE MEANT:
first mate n. 1. a sailor who doesn’t run the ship but could if the need arose. Like Gilligan. 2. an initial reproductive partner.
HE MEANT:
first mate n. 1. the captain’s pinch hitter. Like Spock. 2. an initial wife.
SHE MEANT:
first move, the n. a historically nerve-wracking proposition, turned by recent havoc and legislation into a to
tal nightmare. Now he has to ask you, you have to verbalize your lust for him, and he needs a permission slip signed by your doctor and co-op board. If overwhelmed by the bureaucracy of foreplay, make this yourself.
HE MEANT:
first move, the n. a full-on kiss, with tongue. Still the man’s obligation, if he wants what may come next. The woman who thinks she made the first move often means she made it OBVIOUS that he should kiss her.
SHE MEANT:
fishing n. a sport men love because they can get dinner and torture worms at the same time.
HE MEANT:
fishing v. what men do silently, for cold, aquatic creatures. What women do loudly, for warm, fuzzy compliments. The quiet activity requires a license.
SHE MEANT:
fix up v. to realize that two people you know belong together before they realize it.
HE MEANT:
fix up v. to repair, as a TV antenna.
SHE MEANT:
fixate v. to obsess about; to be unable to remove one’s eyes from. When Melinda met Steve, she couldn’t help fixating on his tie right away the pattern was so distracting and it clashed with his shirt.
HE MEANT:
fixate v. to obsess on an object. Men on sex, women on… whatever. Steve fixated on the fact that Melinda kept looking at his chest. Was this a sign?
SHE MEANT:
flaky adj. impossibly vague. As women have achieved greater responsibility in traditional society, men, exhausted from dominating for centuries, have grown more flaky. Fortunately for them, men who are flaky are often referred to instead as “theoretically gifted.”
HE MEANT:
flaky adj. describes someone who can’t say “no,” or even “yes.” Hence, an exciting date, but a tiresome girlfriend.
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