I could see his shadow slowly emerge and like the grand revealing of a work of art; the object of my affections came into view, it was Timothy.
I could feel my heart whine like a puppy calling for its mother as he stepped out from the shadows into the early summer sun; pushing his sweat-drenched hair from his eyes. I’m pretty sure the whining in my heart reverberated to an audible form because my dad turned to me with a worried glare, “Derrick, are you okay son?”
I struggled to catch my breath as I sighed, “Yeah, I’m okay,” but I was far from okay and upon seeing him again; I wasn’t sure I would be.
Dad stepped out of the truck and approached Timothy; I could hear their exchange as I slid down in my seat, “Hi Timothy, where’s Dale?”
Timothy replied, “He’s just inside Mr. Sowers; I’ll go get him.”
While Timothy went to get his dad, my dad yelled for me, “Derrick, come on out here; we’re going to need your help in a minute.”
I heard the screen door to the farmhouse slam as Timothy made his way back to my dad and updated him, “Dad, will be right out; he’s in the John.”
I watched as Timothy made his way back to the barn, but my dad stopped him, “Hey Timothy, have you met my son Derrick; he’s around your age.”
I had managed to get out of the truck, but my dad’s words had left me frozen in place like I had been struck by a stray bullet from a shotgun.
Timothy smiled at me, a confident smile that made him look like a southern king, and I would have given everything I owned away just for a moment in time as his prince. The wayward beads of sweat dripping down his chiseled abs made me thirsty like a deer panting for cool waters. But not even the coldest waters could quench the wanton desires I had deep inside of my soul to kiss him.
He stretched out his hand to me, as he replied to my dad, “Yes sir we met the other day when he came in for a fan belt.”
Dad seized the opportunity to fire off a jab at my expense, “I see what took you so long now.”
I smiled nervously, inside I was dying, hoping Timothy wouldn't pick up on what my dad meant by what he said. To my relief, he blazed past my dad’s comments as he greeted me, “Hi Derrick, what a coincidence that we would run into each other again.”
I replied, “Yeah, I had no idea our dads knew each other.”
A voice from the front porch of the farmhouse interrupted our exchange, “Yep, we went to school together.”
The man approached my dad and with a hearty handshake said, “Put it there, Dan.”
My dad chuckled, “How’s it going Dale?”
I interjected, “Dale, as in Dale’s Outdoorsman’s Paradise?”
Timothy answered for him, “Yep, the one and only.”
I turned to him with an inquisitive glare, “So, that means you’re…”
Timothy answered with a knowing grin, “his son.”
I was dumbfounded, and it probably reflected on my face because my dad asked, “Are you okay, son?”
Timothy continued to smile as he answered for me, “He’s fine, I noticed the other day that he’s a thinker.”
Our dad’s shared a laugh as mine spoke with an amused tone, “If I didn’t know better; I would say fate must have brought us together because my boy needs a friend who can understand him.”
I whispered, “Do I ever,” as I stared up into Timothy’s sad hazel eyes and he winked at me. As if dad could sense something between us; he quickly addressed Timothy, “Why don’t you show Derrick where those parts for the tractor are while your dad and I catch up?”
Timothy replied, “Sure thing Mr. Sowers.”
Before I could protest what was happening; I felt Timothy’s hands on my shoulders leading me toward the direction of the barn he had been working in prior to our arrival, and once we were out of view from our dad’s, he sprinted past me. Grabbing my hands as he did.
It goes without saying, the feeling of his hand intertwined with mine set my senses aflame. I could feel all the hairs on my body stand to attention. My senses were heightened, although we were present on this earth; it felt as if we were two spirits having just escaped the confines of our bodies.
He turned the corner of the barn, and a picturesque meadow that seemed to go on forever came into view. He paused, and our hands separated, but my hand felt like a magnet, wanting to draw itself back to his.
A little agitated he had let my hand go; I asked, “Where are we going?”
He turned to me with that confident smile and replied, “To the junkyard to grab the parts for your dad’s tractor.”
He took off running across the meadow, and shouted back at me with joy in his voice, “Come on.”
I would have done anything for him, Blindly following him into a warzone wouldn’t have mattered if at the end I could have seen him smile again.
Lost in my thoughts, I realized I had lost visual contact with him. A brief wave of panic set in as I scanned the perimeter. To my surprise; he came into view running rapidly toward me, before tackling me to the ground.”
From the ground, I protested, “Hey, just what do you think…”
He raised up, and I realized his body was on top of mine. I exhaled, “You’re doing?”
He grinned, “Playing.”
We stared in silence as I tried to memorize the expression on his face within my mind. I could feel his chest expand as he breathed in and out. I could feel the pressure of his hips pressed against mine, and for the first time in my life, I understood what it meant to feel.
Unbeknownst to us, our dad’s emerged on the outskirts of the meadow calling our names. Our heart rates increased, and he glared at me nervously before rolling off to the side, leaving me to lay there alone with my desires and if I should have made a move.
He shouted a reply back to them, “Down here dad.”
He rushed to a nearby tractor body, grabbing a part that had been removed prior to our arrival while I regained my composure.
As he sprinted past me, our eyes caught one another’s gaze again, and he said, “You okay?”
I nodded yes, but inside my mind was telling me I was not okay, and I never would be again. His touch was like a drug seeping into my skin, and the only fix to soothe my cravings would be to feel his body on top of mine again.
THE INVITATION
I walked numbly back to the barn where our dads were waiting for us. Timothy had already made it back to them while I followed behind lost in my thoughts.
Dad shouted, “Come on Derrick, put some pep in your step; we have things to do.”
I nodded, but my eyes were still locked on Timothy. I wanted him so badly to ask me to stay with him all day. I would have stacked hay with him until the end of time if it had meant I could spend just one more minute with him.
But, as my dad shook hands with Dale and we made our way back to the truck; I realized I was lost in a daydream fantasy that was unlikely to happen.
On the way home, Dad must have could sense from the silence from my side of the truck that something was wrong. He mumbled, “You’ve got it bad don’t you?”
I turned to him with a lovesick expression and whimpered. Dad sighed, “Come on Derrick; he’s just the first boy you’ve met since we moved up here. You’ll meet other boy’s, and maybe one who can return your affections.”
I whimpered again, “But I don’t want to meet other boys; I want to know him.”
Dad shook his head, “You’re killing me son.”
I diverted my eyes out the window as dad pulled up to the house. Mom was sitting on the front porch reading a book, and when dad got out of the truck; he proceeded to the garage to work on his tractor.
I exited the vehicle and made my way to the front porch where my mom was sitting. I plopped down with a sigh, prompting her to lower her book and greet me, “Hi sweety, why so glum, are you ill?”
I wasn’t about to tell her the truth although I was ill, the type of disease I had couldn’t be cured with medicine. The magic elixir to my well bein
g wore Levi’s and his smile could fill the entire midwest with warmth and light.
The evening was uneventful. Mom made dinner; we ate, then I went to lie down. But, sleep eluded me, all I could think about was him, and I wondered if he was thinking of me too.
The next day I awoke to the sound of dad knocking on my bedroom door and shouting, “Time to get up and at em, late risers don’t get the prizes.”
I moaned and pulled my pillow over my head. I didn’t feel like getting up this morning. As a matter of fact, I would have been content never leaving my bed again. If I didn’t get out and see people, then I didn’t have to deal with the symptoms of being a boy in love.
But again, fate had other plans. When dads previous attempts to wake me failed; he dropped the bombshell that was certain to get me up, “Timothy is here with his dad to see if the part for the tractor worked, and he wanted to see you.”
I broke out in a cold sweat. The very object of my suffering and pain was here; in my sanctuary, my home. I sprung from the bed and scrambled to get dressed. I could hear dad talking to someone at the landing on the bottom of the stairs, “He’s just upstairs in his room, the one to the right.”
I could hear footsteps heading my direction. Can a seventeen-year-old have a heart attack? A knock on the door interrupted my panic attack. I lunged for the knob, and as I opened the door, I saw him; standing there in his Levi’s and a tight flannel shirt.
For as long as I shall live I will never forget the way that shirt hugged his chest. It was as if it had been tattooed to his sunkissed skin, and oh how I craved to caress my hand across his pecs and feel what that shirt felt like on him. To be jealous of a shirt was confirmation that I wasn’t just sick; I was diseased, but I had no desire to be cured. The only thing I desired was to have his arm wrapped around me and to be snuggled up to his chest, tightly.
Once I had regained my voice, I whispered, “Hi.”
He smiled, “Hi,” and my heart beat sang, Timothy.
After an awkward pause; he broke the silence by saying, “Nice PJ pants.”
Like the shattering of a mirror, my brain screamed, “What?”
I glanced down and noticed I was still wearing my PJ bottoms that had little tractors on them. I wanted to find the nearest hole to crawl inside and die, but Timothy was more interested in talking to me, despite the faint hint of red that now graced my cheeks.
He glanced around for a moment before lifting his eyes to meet my gaze, “So, we're having a spring break party this weekend, and I was wondering if you could come. You can meet some of the other kids in town?”
Normally, I would have never considered venturing away from the sanctuary of my house, but at that moment I knew by the way he stared at me with such hope in his eyes I could never say no to him.
After a brief moment of contemplation, I reluctantly replied yes, and he playfully punch my arm, “Awesome, I will see you this weekend then?”
In a crude attempt to be sexy I purred, “Looking forward to it.”
He arched his brow and shook his head with an amused grin, “You’re funny. I like you.”
Hearing him say those words was a dream come true, and as he turned to walk away, I slowly closed the door behind me and slid down into the floor with a cheesy grin. Inside, my heart felt like it had just wet its pants.
Once I had regained my composure, I stood up from the floor and did a victory dance around my room. But, unbeknownst to me, Timothy had come back to my door and peeked inside to tell me that my dad needed my help downstairs.
I froze in place, pursed my lips and replied with a nervous chuckle, “Okay thanks; I’ll be right down.”
He smirked and winked at me. A wink that said, I knew what you were doing, but I was too happy to care. I had to start planning what I was going to wear immediately. I wanted to make sure I looked my best for him, and as I stared in the mirror I realized mom was right; I needed a haircut, but unfortunately one of her buzzcuts wasn’t going to cut it for an occasion as important as this one.
After changing out of my PJ pants, I made my way downstairs. My mom was busy hanging pictures and placing knickknacks in their new places throughout the house. She turned to me with a grin and asked, “Who was that young man who just came from upstairs?”
I stared at her as if I had no idea what she was talking about, although I had nothing to hide I still wasn’t sure if mom knew my secret yet. So I simply replied, “Just the boy from the outdoor store.”
She arched her brow, “Do you think I have grits for brains?”
I quipped, “No ma'am.”
She placed her hands on her hips and retorted, “Well, is there something you want to tell me.”
I chose to play coy, “I have no idea what you're talking about.”
My attempt to play the game failed. I should have known I could never match wits with mama because she knew more than the FBI. I sighed, “Do I have to say it if you already know.”
She nodded with her lips pursed. Finally, I caved, “Okay ma he’s a boy I have a crush on okay, and he just invited me to a Spring break party this weekend.”
She took a seat nearby, and flashed me a satisfied grin as she addressed me, “Now, I could be vindictive and make you pay for not being honest with me, or you can admit defeat now since your father tells me everything.”
I flashed her a defiant glare before mumbling, “Fine, you win. I like boys, a lot. I mean a lot.”
She giggled, “That's okay baby, I’m not going to stop loving you just because you like boys. Boy’s are wonderful; that’s how you were born.”
I shielded my ears and shouted, “Mother!” The last thing I wanted to hear was about my mother and father having relations, and as I headed toward the screen door I whined, “Why can’t you all be like normal parents and kick me out; I could have skipped a few steps and already be living with Timothy.”
She cooed, “So, his name is Timothy?”
I quipped, “Mama please; I will tell you all about it later, but right now Dad needed me for something.”
She waved in dismissal, “Carry on, but I’m holding you to that later.”
I rolled my eyes as I exited and made my way over to the garage where Dad was working on the tractor. I cleared my throat, “Timothy said you needed me for something.”
He looked confused for a moment before replying, “No, I didn’t.”
My dad’s confusion transferred to me as the wheels of my mind spun to try and decipher why Timothy would lie. Then it dawned on me. I could feel a grin invade my expression when I realized he had peeked back inside of my door to watch me.
Time stood still, and everything seemed to be happening in slow motion as the words repeated in my mind; he was watching me. Dad diverted his eyes from the tractor for a moment to ask me, “Derrick, are you okay.”
I nodded and turned to go back inside the house, but as I did it suddenly dawned on me that going to this party meant something. I just had to figure out what it meant to him, for me; it meant I had an official boyfriend, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it yet.
A CHANGE IN PERSPECTIVE
I don’t know what came over me, but something inside of my soul had to go back to him. Cautiously I scanned the area to make sure no one was watching me as I tiptoed back toward the direction of his room. But, I had to come up with an excuse for coming back if he saw me spying on him.
I carefully turned the knob, hoping he couldn’t hear me. I smiled as he performed his celebratory dance and shook my head; trying my best not to giggle. It made me happy to see him happy. Derrick was the cutest boy I had ever seen. Before I wouldn’t have thought twice about a boy, but there was something about him that resonated with my soul, and made me feel like I needed to protect him.
My on again off again relationship with Mindy was far from ideal. She used me to impress her friends. Being the son of a wealthy local business owner did come with its perks, and she knew that. Everyone in town knew that, and they knew my dad was loaded.
With her being the daughter of the megachurch pastors; if not for status alone, it seemed appropriate for us to be together.
I used her too, mostly to keep my dad off my back. Before we met, I never had a girlfriend to speak of, and my dad was a constant reminder that it wasn’t natural for boys my age not to be interested in girls. What he didn’t know was that I still wasn’t interested in girls. But, I had to put on a show to keep the peace. The last thing I needed since mom died was dad hounding me every day.
Whenever Mindy insisted on making out; I would change the subject or find some reason as to why I couldn’t, which thoroughly pissed her off. Still, as I watched Derrick, I found myself wanting to kiss him the way Mindy wanted me to kiss her.
My heart sighed as I closed the door, and made my way back downstairs. I saw his mom sitting in the living room, and part of me wished my mom was still alive to talk to her about these feelings I had. She was so easy to talk to, and even though my parents were very conservative Christians; mom had this understanding disposition about her. Even if she didn’t agree with someone; she handled her objections with grace and understanding and loved without judgment.
Dad wasn’t so easy to talk to, and I knew if he ever found out I had these feelings he would disown me, and since he was the only family I had left in this world; I couldn’t risk losing him right now.
I still remember the day we found out mom had a heart attack. She was larger than life in body and spirit. She wasn’t always that way though. Dad had often told me when they first met; she was the most gorgeous girl in the county. An hourglass figure and a chassis like an antique car, whatever that is supposed to mean.
Dad always had a wandering eye though; he would stare at any pretty young thing that walked by. If I was honest with myself that is what killed mom; Not the heart disease, or being overweight, all of those things were a direct result of not feeling desired anymore. Dying is one of the worst parts of life, but dying from a broken heart is a tragedy.
The Outdoorsman's Son Page 2