I stood over her shoulder and studied his face. He raised his brows as he upturned his face towards her.
“Maea, if this goes awry—”
“Sh.” She pressed her fingers to his lips. “I didn’t come here tonight for a lecture, Johai.”
He frowned. “I don’t understand.”
“Before—before we leave, there’s something I need to tell you.”
“What is it? Have you had another vision?”
She shook her head. My heart constricted. Please do not say the words! I thought. “No, it’s much more important than that.” She leaned in, and the curtain of her ebony hair obscured their features, but I knew by the thudding of my heart that our lips met, and I could feel how my veins sang as if I were kissing him again. The ecstasy of the moment stole my breath.
I loved him. I had loved him all of my life. From the moment he plucked me from that hovel, I had loved him. And yet, despite that, I could not shake the feeling of betrayal, the sense of wrongness about the scene. He used me. He knew how I felt, and he used it to his own ends. Anything he feels now must be guilt for his actions. What else could it be?
That is when the scene shifted a final time. She sat by a window, staring out onto the rolling fields. A flock of sheep meandered about in a far-off pasture just past a gray, crumbling wall. The night had settled in, and the darkness crept about the corners of the room. The door at the far end of the room swung open.
Johai entered, and a scowl turned his features sour. She rose to greet him, but he waved off her sentiment. He motioned for her to sit. The muted silence stirred the hairs on the back of my neck. The moment I both feared and desired had arrived, the moment he betrayed me. She took a seat back in the chair, a dreamy faraway look in her eye. Johai fiddled with something, his back turned to her.
She rose and tried to peer over his shoulder, but he pushed her hands away as if dealing with a child. She beamed at him guilelessly. He finished what he was doing and hung his head. His chest heaved with a tremendous sigh before he turned back towards her. He gathered her hands in his, and she grinned at him.
He tilted her chin up and kissed her. I could not watch and turned away. The drumming had resumed and echoed through the silence of the scene playing out before me. They pulled apart, and then he directed her to sit with a swing of his arm. He pulled out something from a box on the table on which he had been working, a long silver chain with a filigree of metalwork surrounding an amethyst pendant.
I gasped, for that necklace was at my throat, the one that calmed me when I was anxious. The necklace they used to control me.
“No!” I shouted. I knew better than to try to change the past, but I called out anyway.
I ran over to the dream version of me and tried to shake her. My fingers slipped through her and sank into her flesh, pulling me into my past self.
I turned to Johai and threw my hand out in a futile attempt to stop him. He walked through me as easily as walking through a fog. The past pulled me in and became trapped within the helpless form of my past self. I could hear each footstep as it echoed on the floor. I tried to move my body but could not; it refused to respond to my commands. I shouted in my head, Don’t do this. It’s not too late!
Johai leaned over me. His hands grasped around my neck and hooked the necklace. It had been him all along. The man who had stolen my past was Johai. I stared into his blue eyes before the darkness of oblivion overwhelmed me, and in them, I saw despair.
Chapter Fourteen
The heady scent of grass and earth filled my nostrils. I gasped, sucking in a breath, certain I was suffocating from the weight of the necklace upon my throat. I shot up, my sight blurred, and I had trouble focusing. The thrumming continued on, exciting me and stirring my emotions.
Persons, out of focus, moved about. They could only be Damara and Johai. Rage bubbled out of me like a fountain.
“You did this to me!” I screamed.
One of them leaned in close, muttering under their breath. Johai’s white hair came into view, and I swiped at him, attempting to inflict a measure of the pain he had put me through.
He stumbled back, and I lunged after him, not entirely sure of my intent. I saw red, and I breathed anger. How could he betray me? I had loved him, and I thought he loved me. He had taken away even the memory of that love. I choked back a sob that threatened to escape. I would not let him see how badly he hurt me. Gentle hands grabbed my shoulders and forced me to lie back down. I thrashed against them. Someone chanted my name like a caress.
The intense drumming that filled my ears began to fade. The face belonging to the hands that kept me pinned to the cot came into focus. Adair’s blazing eyes searched my face. His brows, tilted inward, gave his expression a strange cast. In my manic state, it occurred to me, I had never seen him upset before, not like this. Why is Adair here?
“Maea, do you recognize me? Oh dear Goddess, please tell me you are hale.”
“Adair?” My voice cracked, and my throat felt parched.
He pressed his shaking hands to my face. “I am so glad you are safe. I thought for certain he had killed you.”
“What are you doing here? Where am I?” I tried to turn my head, but the room swam about me in a swirl of colors. The overpowering scent of earth pervading everything felt vaguely familiar.
“You’re in my chambers.” The Magiker emerged in my line of sight. He pressed his hand to his cheek, and I realized he was the one I had scratched.
“Where are Johai and Damara? I was just with them.”
Adair looked over to the Magiker, and they shared a look, which I could not read, as Adair’s head blocked my view.
“You’ve been unconscious for three days. Gareth called for me when they brought you in. He told me about how they had been controlling you, using magic to keep you docile and obedient. When they brought you to him unconscious, he knew that he could not stand idly by any longer.”
I looked to the Magiker, Gareth, for confirmation, but he refused to meet my gaze. I had been a fool not to trust him. I should have gone to him long ago for assistance. But I assumed as Johai’s former master, he would be unwilling. It must have pained him to betray him in that way. The thought of Johai rippled through me, and pain shot through my skull.
Images of his lips against mine, the feel of his hands on my waist, his fingertips around my neck as he placed the necklace there danced through my head. I doubled over and retched, but nothing escaped my empty stomach.
The Magiker rushed forward with a basin. He shoved Adair out of the way and pushed the bowl under my mouth. He rubbed circles in my back as I spasmed over the vessel. Once I had finished, he handed me a cup of foul-smelling elixir. I drank it down, gagging on the earthy and gritty mix.
Adair hovered as the Magiker tutted over me. The Magiker examined my pupils and checked my pulse before he was satisfied.
He turned a stern look to Adair. “Don’t excite her, or you’ll aggravate her condition.”
“I would never do anything to hurt Maea,” Adair said.
The underlying affection in the statement should have warmed me, but fresh on the heels of remembering my own lost love, I did not take to the sentiment as warmly as I would have before. The Magiker huffed and wandered off to the other end of the room. Adair eased down onto the cot beside me. He gathered my hands in his and stared into my eyes for a few moments.
“Are you sure you’re hale?”
I nodded, fearing speaking else more than words would come up.
“Maea, why didn’t you tell me what they were doing to you? If I had known, I would have removed you much sooner than this. I—” His voice caught. “I don’t know what I would do if I lost you.”
I smiled, despite everything it was a comfort to know Adair cared. How much, I dared not to venture to question. My own emotions were tangled up in a knot of lies, and I did not know where to start in sorting them out.
“I—” I gulped back bile as it threatened the back of my throat.
“I did not want to involve you. I thought I could do it on my own.” My hand instinctively reached for my now-bare throat. Johai had only to remove it and the spell was broken, though not entirely. I remembered those few scattered memories, but gaps remained.
“Well, they will not get away with this. I will see them punished to the full extent of the law.”
Panic rose and crashed over me like the tide. I thought of Count Braun, the hatred he had glared at me as the axe came down. I could not stand that again. I could not take more blood upon my hands. No matter what they had done to me. Who was I to warrant such recourse?
My nails bit into Adair’s wrist. “No. You cannot.”
“Maea, I will protect you now. They cannot hurt you any longer.”
I shook my head and regretted the action immediately. My stomach lurched, and my head pounded. I know he sought vengeance on my behalf because he cared, but I could not stomach further bloodshed on my behalf.
“I am free now. That is all that matters. I do not think we need to seek punishment for their actions,” I said through gritted teeth.
He watched me with a perplexed gaze. His strange behavior made me wonder if I was still dreaming.
“It is your choice, Maea. I will not deny a lady’s whims.” He smirked, and it put me at ease. That was more like the Adair I knew. I took solace in the one consistency left in my life. “I cannot let you return to her care, not after what she has done. I have arranged for rooms adjoining Sabine’s for you. I think it best if you stay there.”
I should have been grateful. I should have been glad to be free of them, but I was not. Nothing was the same now that I knew the truth. Worse yet, the memories were flimsy and transparent, as if they belonged to someone else and not me. The question remained: why had he done this to me? What had changed? The ghosts of my feelings for Johai lingered at the back of my mind. I was broken.
*~*~*
The next day, the master of chambers showed me to my room. Adair had apologized for not attending me personally, but there was an urgent matter of state he had to attend to. I followed the master of chambers in a numb daze. The world seemed washed out and pale. People stared and whispered behind their hands. Once more, I was an unwanted celebrity but for entirely different reasons. I was damaged, crazed, and had betrayed Damara. My emotions were in a jumble.
One half of me remembered Damara as she had been when I was a child: my mentor and near mother. The clearer memories painted a different picture. Damara as she was at court: deceitful and manipulative. It was because of the latter that I did not pursue vengeance against her.
As for Johai, my memories of him were much more complicated. The spell that had wiped him from my memories had twisted the ones I had recovered. They haunted my nightmares along with the specter. I could not be sure any longer of what was real or fantasy.
I entered my dimly lit rooms. The overcast sky, outside my window, washed it in gray. A few adornments hung on the walls, tapestries depicting harvest and courts of years gone by. To the left of the receiving room, a door led to Sabine’s chambers and at the back of the room, a door to my bedchamber.
The master of chambers bowed and left me to my tormented thoughts. I entered my chamber, where a four-poster bed draped in white linens waited. A small arched window at one end looked out onto the endless ocean. Gray clouds gathered along the horizon, promising a coming storm. I stared out into it for a long time, not moving. What now? Where did I go from here? Johai’s true nature had been revealed to me, and yet nothing changed. I still felt hollow. I was free but had nowhere to fly.
The curtains at my window rustled in the breeze. I approached them, thinking to shut them and the gray scenery out. As I did so, I noticed a shadowy figure moving across the palace garden, which my room overlooked. The shadow moved from behind a hedge and hurried across the lawn. My fear redoubled. It cannot be the specter is here?
A breeze picked up, and the cloak hiding the figure’s head blew back, revealing a head of white hair. Johai?
He quickened his pace past a garden path and out of sight. I thought of all my unanswered questions and my desperation to unlock my past. I needed to speak to him, demand the answers I had been too hesitant to ask for before now.
Without further consideration, I rose up, grabbed a cloak, and headed out. The palace gardens were sparse with the threat of rain. I could smell moisture on the air and prayed the clouds would hold until I found Johai.
I reached the part of the garden in which I had last spotted him, and that is where the trail grew cold. I never had a chance of catching him, and I knew it. And even if I had, I was not certain I would have had the gumption to confront him. I headed for the cliff top, thinking a short walk would help clear my head.
I wished I could hate Johai. I wished I could curse his name and sentence him as I had done Count Braun. No matter how much I wanted I could not, because a part of me still loved him, despite everything he had done. I loved him so much it cut me like a knife. I hated that fact. Hot tears spilled down my icy cheeks.
Feet scuffled on the gravel behind me, and I whirled about to face the intruder upon my private moment. The man in the crimson robes stood at the edge of the garden, regarding me. The drumming did not fill my ears nor did he possess that same otherworldly feel today, but I could sense it just the same, hidden beneath a human exterior. He wore a cloak over his crimson robes, but he still carried himself with the same sense of majesty.
“Have you come to greet the storm, diviner?” he said.
I was in no mind for his riddled speeches nor cared to contemplate the mysterious shadow that seemed to follow him. “What do you want from me?”
He smiled and came to stand beside me. I glared at him as he stared across the rolling sea. The grays of the sky and the smoky blues reflected in his eyes almost as if his eyes absorbed their color.
“It’s not what I want from you, diviner, but what do you want from me?”
“I did not call you here.” I made no attempt to keep the frustration from my tone.
“Didn’t you? We can hear each other’s calls, those touched by the gods.”
The hairs on my arms prickled. I had suspected before that this man knew more about the things surrounding me. Perhaps the diviner had sent him to intervene?
“What do you mean ‘touched by the gods’?”
He turned to face me and folded his arms in his sleeves. “You have not fully awoken yet, but soon you will, and then you will understand.”
His avoidance only proved to evoke my ire. “I am awake. What do you mean?”
“War is coming. You best prepare. The gods will choose their avatars, and you, Maea, I think will be at the center of their battle.”
Images of war flashed through my mind; the diviner’s ominous warning rang through my ears. I thought I had found the answers, but what if I had been wrong. Was there more left to discover? “Answer me plainly, how do you know my name? Who are you? What war, with Jerauch? With Neaux? With the tribes of the Biski?”
“We speak each other’s names in the ancient ways. If you would listen, my name would be revealed to you.”
I wanted to sigh in frustration. Could this man not answer me clearly.
I attempted to listen despite my irritation. I heard nothing but the crashing of the sea and the howl of the wind. “Can you not answer me plainly?”
He traced his thumb along my cheek, and I shivered beneath his touch. It reminded me of that of the diviner, only more solid. He was real, of that I was certain. “The war is coming, not of man’s design, though all will be touched by its devastation.”
Thunder cracked, and lightning illuminated his face. The contrast of sudden light made his face masklike, and the flash created the appearance of a crown upon his head. I stared at him long after the flash receded, even as the rain began to fall.
He bowed. “The answers will become clear, in time.”
I blinked, and he was gone as if he had vaporized into mist. I shivered as t
he rain slithered down my spine and plastered my hair to my skull. I should have headed for cover, but I was glued to my spot, unable to escape my thoughts or my continued confusion.
Eventually, I did head back, but soaked to the skin. I slipped in through my private entrance and changed into my small clothes. I was preparing to turn in early for the evening when it occurred to me it would be rude not to bid Sabine goodnight. I slid on a housecoat and entered Sabine’s receiving room.
I halted in the doorway. A pair embraced, he leaned his head against her head, eyes closed. Sabine rested her head on his shoulder. Shock rippled through me, and for a moment, I forgot my selfish absorption.
My intent was to leave them to their private moment, but I stumbled and pushed the wooden door behind me. It swung into the wall. The slam echoed across the room, and the startled pair broke apart. Sabine turned to me, and her face burned bright red.
“I’m sorry. I did not mean to intrude.” I also blushed and tried to escape, but her companion’s eyes caught mine. Beau, her guard, glowered at me.
“Maea, I thought you were abed.”
“I was just heading there.” I bobbed a bow and attempted to leave once more.
Sabine, however, rushed forward and grabbed my wrist. “Please stay, there’s been great news.”
I hesitantly agreed, though Beau glared daggers at me as I joined Sabine on a sofa by a warm fire. His gaze spoke volumes: say nothing of what you saw. I had suspected as much for some time, but I never expected to discover them in such an intimate position.
The warmth of the fire touched my chilled skin but did not reach my core. I shivered and wished I could be alone.
Sabine frowned and said, “Maea, were you out in this downpour?”
I nodded. “What is your news?” I was weary of talking about myself. Perhaps Sabine’s tidings could dispel my own sorrows.
She smiled and stole a glance in Beau’s direction. His expression did not change, but I could see a glimmer of affection in his eyes. I was happy for the two of them, truly. I hoped their stations did not make their romance difficult. I thought of Duke Sixton’s mention of illegitimate sons and how they made an ill match for a princess but pushed it aside for the moment for my friend’s benefit.
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