By one o’clock I figure it’s time to put him out of his misery…
‘Are you ok, honey?’ I ask and sit down next to him.
‘Yes,’ he lies, face grumpier than a Scotsman in a heat wave.
‘Was there something you wanted to ask me earlier, before Mittens interrupted?’
‘Doesn’t matter.’
Oh dear. I’m going to have to salvage this one myself. ‘Jamie?’ I say, grabbing his chin and turning his head to face me. ‘Yes Jamie. I will marry you. Nothing would make me happier.’
Several weeks ago I’d been the one slack jawed with surprise, now it was Jamie’s turn.
‘You will?’ he says in a disbelieving voice.
‘Of course I will, you silly sod. You only had to ask.’
‘Mittens wouldn’t let me,’ he snaps, folding his arms across his chest and making a face like a sucked lemon.
I know being doubled over with laughter is not the typical way you’re supposed to conclude a successful marriage proposal, but my relationship with Jamie hasn’t really been typical from day one, has it?
So there you go, Mum. I’m engaged!
The ring sits on my finger right now and I have to stop myself looking at it every thirty seconds or so to check it’s really there.
We’re not going to hang around. Jamie’s going to book the wedding in the New Year.
After everything we’ve been through, we reckon it’s best to get the wedding out the way before, as Jamie put it: ‘the universe notices I’m happy and takes steps to ruin everything’.
I’m feeling much more optimistic about our prospects. This is very handy I think, as it balances out his pessimism nicely.
I have a feeling this kind of dynamic is going to be the cornerstone of our relationship…
Miss you more than ever right now, Mum. Can’t believe you won’t be here to see me married. I know you’ll be watching though.
Your contented daughter, Laura.
xx
Jamie & Laura’s Honeymoon Blog
Thursday, January 12
Right, I’m starting this.
No doubt Miss McIntyre (sorry, I mean Mrs Newman) will interrupt before long with some inane comment –
Watch it, Newman.
- like that one, but for the minute the floor is mine.
So here we are in the Caribbean.
You’ll be entirely unsurprised to learn it’s hot and sunny.
This is causing my British equilibrium to be completely thrown off. It’s January. I should be freezing cold and dressed in thermals right now, not strolling around in a pair of shorts and flip flops.
The locals would probably prefer it. The pasty white complexion of your legs is blinding them.
Quiet, woman.
We have Last Minute.com to thank for our impromptu honeymoon destination.
Who’d have thought you could score two weeks in paradise for less than a grand at this time of year?
Admittedly the building site next door to the hotel isn’t exactly picturesque, but when you’re a freelance copywriter and your newly betrothed runs her own recession hit chocolate business, getting value for money is at a premium.
Thanks to the way the government is throttling our pockets these days it’s a miracle we could afford this at all…
Please don’t start getting political. A vein pops out on your head when you rant about the government. It’s not attractive.
My apologies, I’ll try to curb my natural instincts.
We’re currently sitting by the pool, taking turns to type.
Laura looks quite adorable in her big straw hat and sunglasses. Every time she leans closer to see what I’m typing I get a quick blast of the perfume she’s wearing. It’s a smell I’ll never get tired of.
Why thank you, kind sir. You don’t look so bad yourself – apart from the sunburn. The hat’s on my head for a reason, dummy. And I can easily provide you with the name of my perfume and what excellent shops you can purchase it from.
Gee… thanks, honey.
Get on with it, Newman. It’s getting bloody hot out here and I want a dip in the pool.
Alright, alright…
This is the sum-up of everything that’s happened since Laura was mad enough to say yes to my marriage proposal at Christmas.
It will also be my last entry on this blog for a while. I don’t feel the urge to spill my guts online anymore.
Perhaps this has something to do with the fact I’m happy.
Nauseatingly happy.
Misery loves company - and blogging is really good therapy if you’re having a bad time of it. My life’s been a rollercoaster over the past year, so there have been a lot of good reasons to post.
I’m in a much better frame of mind now, and I don’t want to put you in a diabetic coma from all the saccharine bollocks that’d probably come spewing out of my head if I kept blogging.
Oh great. They’re going to blame me for ending the blog now, you idiot!
…it’s his idea to stop, everyone. Believe me!
I agree with what Jamie says though.
My diary’s probably going to get a rest for a while as well. I don’t know where in the universe my poor Mum is these days, but I’m taking up way too much of her time with my problems, when she could be off chatting up Cary Grant somewhere.
Why Cary Grant?
Mum loved his movies. Wherever she may be in the afterlife, there’s a good chance she’s already asked him out on a date.
Let’s hope it’s not to see a Polish penis slapping movie.
Very funny.
I am, aren’t I?
Anyway, back to the point:
We were married the day after New Year’s at the local registry office.
We kept it a small affair.
Just my parents and sister, Laura’s best friends and a few others who’d got wind of our nuptials. I didn’t invite my middle class chums - they would have just spent the entire time arguing over who had the bigger wedding cake at their own ceremonies. Dave and Katherine were there, though.
The registry office staff were a bit bemused when we requested the room be decorated with rubber plants.
I also suggested fajitas for the wedding meal.
Laura didn’t think that was very funny for some reason…
You want to be careful, pal. One day I’ll get my own back. You won’t notice five day old beef if I cook it for long enough.
Gulp.
I’ll take over here, thanks. You’re a man, so you’re not describing it properly.
…Tim gave me away.
He ended up crying more than anyone else, bless him. Both he and Dan wore the most beautiful frocks I’d ever seen.
Charlie and Tilly looked adorable as well. So much so that Jamie’s friend Ryan didn’t stop dribbling for the entire day, much to the disgust of his terrifying girlfriend Isobel.
It was a simple ceremony as Jamie says, but that suited us both down to the ground.
I’ve never been the type to crave a spectacular wedding, so was more than happy for something quick - and relatively painless.
…and I’ll be honest, without my mum there, it just wouldn’t have been right anyway, no matter how much money we threw at it.
Anyway, this is about the marriage for me, not the wedding. I love this idiot with all my heart – and I don’t need to spend thousands of pounds to prove it.
Aww, that’s sweet. I love you too, baby.
You’d better!
I wore a very nice strapless white silk dress. Jamie managed to climb into a suit for the first time ever.
Second actually. I had a job interview once.
The service only took twenty minutes, and we were at his parent’s house for the reception by five o’clock, at which a lot of alcohol and buffet food was consumed.
All in all it wasn’t the most spectacular or original wedding in history, but we got the chance to spend the day with (almost) all the people we loved, which was all that matter
ed.
It also meant we had more money to spend on the honeymoon – hence my sunburn and her big straw hat.
That’s right. A three layered dress and a six layered cake sound like nice ideas, but give me a bikini and a Mai Tai anytime.
You’ll get no argument from me on that one, beautiful.
…particularly the bikini part.
The laptop came with us of course – despite my protestations – hence this entry on Jamie’s blog.
There is a point to it I assure you - and if Newman would stop interrupting for a minute I could get to it.
Sorry, oh bright shining light in my otherwise cloudy, miserable day.
Apology accepted.
…
…now I can’t think of what to say. The lure of the pool is breaking my concentration.
You’re the writer Jamie, you have a go.
I think what my gorgeous but absent-minded wife is trying to say is that we’ve been through a lot to get to this happy place.
I’ve read her diary and she’s seen my blog. They both appear to be a catalogue of mistakes, embarrassments and failures that make you wonder how we ever managed to get to this point: in love, married and sipping cocktails under the Caribbean sun.
There’s only one explanation really, and it’s as cheesy as it is true:
We love each other.
Love may not conquer all like the songs say, but it can keep you upright and on your feet when a cold wind is blowing hard, trying its best to knock you on your arse.
It can bring two people together, even when piles, sprinkler systems, food poisoning, porn movies and ex-boyfriends try to keep them apart.
When you fall in love, there’s nothing that can stop you, no matter how bad it might be.
Including her seeing you shit into a pedal bin.
And that’s why I married this idiot.
…not the shitting into a bin I hasten to add. There isn’t enough vodka in the world to blot out that memory.
The rest of it though?
Yeah… that about sums it up for me.
No relationship is ever perfect, but when you truly love each other… it doesn’t have to be.
The End
Jamie and Laura’s story continues in the sequel ‘Love… And Sleepless Nights’ available now at Amazon UK and Amazon USA
Titles by Nick Spalding available on Amazon Kindle:
Love… From Both Sides
Sometimes, the hardest part of finding love is keeping a straight face...
For Jamie Newman, being a single guy isn't proving to be much fun, especially when confronted with a sexually belligerent divorcee and a goddess so far out of his league she might as well be a different species.
Mind you, being a girl in search of love isn't a bowl of cherries either. Just ask Laura McIntyre, who's recently contended with a horny estate agent on a quest for light relief and a rabid mountain bike enthusiast with a penchant for displaying his genitals.
When Jamie and Laura bump into one another (quite literally) it looks like their luck may have changed - but sometimes finding the right person is only the start of your problems...
Based on real-life tales of dating disaster and relationship blunders, Love... From Both Sides is a warts-and-all romantic comedy for everyone who knows how tricky (and occasionally ridiculous) the quest for love can be.
Love… And Sleepless Nights
Sometimes, the hardest part of becoming a parent is keeping a straight face…
Just ask Jamie and Laura Newman, who (thanks to a rather relaxed attitude to contraception) find themselves about to have a baby. It’s obviously a terrifying prospect for a newly married couple, but as long as they stick together they’ll be fine, right?
They’d better, because the path between conception and those first few baby steps is littered with many obstacles - such as public sickness, rabid insomnia, violent mood swings, complicated sex, and copious amounts of swearing.
Featuring a cast that includes an overbearing mother-in-law, a terrifying midwife, and at least one chorus of mating humpbacks, Love… And Sleepless Nights is the hilarious sequel all about what happens next.
Falling in love with another person is easy. Making a new one with them is where things get complicated.
Life… With No Breaks
Nick Spalding tried to write a book in 24 hours. Turns out that's impossible... it took 30!
Life... With No Breaks is a unique, hilarious and heartfelt look at the modern world we live in, told by a master story-teller with much to say - and only a weekend to say it in.
You'll laugh out loud reading Nick's odyssey of non-stop writing in a collection of anecdotes, asides and stories - all dredged up from an over-stimulated brain functioning on caffeine, nicotine and the occasional chocolate biscuit.
The book is a conversation with you, and with Nick you'll venture into the thorny topics of love, life, sex, horribly timed bowel movements and a deathly fear of sponges (among many other things).
After you've read Life... With No Breaks, you may never look at the world the same way again!
Life… On A High
Nick Spalding is back... and this time he's airborne!
By popular demand (and because those counselling sessions won't pay for themselves) Nick returns in the sequel to Life... With No Breaks - with a new collection of anecdotes, stories and asides.
This time he's writing at 40,000 feet... and what better way is there to kill forty eight hours on a round trip to Australia than holding another conversation with you?
Sit back - don't worry, we're in Business Class so the seats are comfortable - put your feet up, and laugh out loud as Nick wends his merry way through a plethora of subjects, including age, hobbies, crime, dating the wrong women and pretending to be a banana (among many other things).
After you've read Life... On A High, you may never look at the rest of the world the same way again!
The Cornerstone
A great book will transport you to another world... literally, if you're not careful.
On a gloomy Thursday afternoon, Max Bloom enters his local library in a last ditch attempt to stave off an epic case of teenage boredom. Among the hushed stacks he discovers The Cornerstone, an ancient book tucked away on a dusty, forgotten shelf. Opening the cover, Max is instantly transported to an alternate dimension full of things intent on killing him - thus avoiding boredom with remarkable success.
He meets a beautiful girl called Merelie (brilliant), who tells him he could be a Wordsmith, a sorcerer able to craft magic from the written word itself, one strong enough to save both their worlds from the Dwellers - hideous monsters from beyond the universe (not so brilliant).
This all sounds completely unbelievable. The kind of thing you'd read in a fantasy novel. But The Cornerstone doesn't lie... and the danger is very real.
In a world threatened by monsters, where books are worshipped and powerful magic exists, Max Bloom must make a choice: close The Cornerstone and run home - or trust Merelie, become a Wordsmith, and save two worlds from certain destruction...
Spalding’s Scary Shorts
Feedback: A Vampire Story
Be careful who you write about...
Keating the vampire used to love the horror stories that humans would write about his species. They had endlessly amused him - and allowed him to operate safe in the knowledge nobody believed he existed.
Madeline De Martine had changed all that though.
From terrifying, bloodthirsty creatures of the night... to maudlin, effeminate idiots obsessed with pubescent American girls, De Martine's blockbuster romances had irrevocably ruined the image of the vampire, as far as Keating was concerned.
So tonight he's paying the multi-millionaire writer a visit, to offer some constructive feedback and show her the error of her ways...
I, Zombie
A story of the thinking dead!
"My name is Jim Monroe and I am a zombie.
"My natural life on thi
s planet has ceased and I've been re-animated to stalk the world as a pale, hollow imitation of my former self.
"I'm different from my undead brethren though... I'm a zombie with a brain.
"This is the short, shocking story of how I came to be this way."
Dogs Of War
Giving interactive gameplay a whole new meaning...
Disaster.
Epic. Huge. Unmitigated. Disaster.
Zack Hampton's beloved Gamestation console has just committed electronic suicide - right in the middle of a hectic Dogs Of War Team Deathmatch.
Where the hell is he supposed to find another one the week before Christmas? All the shops have sold out!
Imagine Zack's delight when he stumbles on a quaint Christmas shop, run by the enigmatic Mister Fix... and discovers a unique 'special edition' Gamestation on sale for a bargain price.
Following a very strange conversation with the old shopkeeper, the teenager buys the console and rushes home to rejoin the online mayhem as quickly as possible.
This Gamestation really is very special though - and Zack is about to take part in a game of Dogs Of War he is never going to forget...
Spine Slaughter
When hedgehogs attack!
On a warm summer day the village of Wincing On Thames is attacked by the most unlikely of monsters. Hoards of deadly hedgehogs are on the loose and out for blood. Can ASBO wielding Jason, Scab the punk and their friends survive the onslaught?
Warning: This story contains gore, profanity and gratuitous nudity... there's a children's tea party at the beginning though, so something for everyone, I think.
Love... From Both Sides (A laugh-out-loud romantic comedy) Page 17