“DO YOU REMEMBER ME?” Gabe chuckled as he sat down beside the wide-eyed teenager on the front porch of the boy’s house.
“Not really…” Michael’s voice trailed off.
“Gabe. I’m the dude you puked on last night,” he smiled.
Horror flashed across the teen’s face, but Gabe laughed, placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder and giving it a squeeze.
“My parents said you wanted to talk to me,” he said quietly, avoiding eye contact.
Gabe stared out towards the street, giving Michael the reprieve he needed. The kid was only nineteen, and, as it turned out, the binge drinking had been an ongoing problem for the past few months. Gabe got plenty of information from the kid’s mom, but he wanted to let Michael open up to him on his own, so he’d play dumb for awhile.
“You, uh, you do that a lot?” Gabe asked. “Get so drunk you pass out on your front lawn?”
Michael looked away from Gabe, wringing his hands together before rubbing the denim on his knees. “No,” he muttered so quietly that Gabe could barely hear it.
“Why’d you do it?”
No eye contact, no answer, no implication that an answer would be coming. Gabe sighed.
“When I was your age, I was the life of the party, kid. I could force down more shots than anyone and hold my shit together. Hell, I showed off. Got girls. I had a grand old time,” Gabe paused in thought, letting out a small chuckle before continuing. “It started out that I would get drunk to have fun, you know? Then, I’d be feeling shitty, so I’d drink. And before I knew it, the only way I could feel good about anything was if I had whiskey pumping through my veins.”
Michael’s eyes were on Gabe, now. He was listening intently. Gabe continued.
“I wasn’t addicted to it. Not in the traditional sense. But it turns out, you don’t have to be an addict to ruin your life. I dragged my friends down with me, I taught the people that I cared about that you could self-medicate your feelings away. And worst of all, I taught my baby sister that none of what I did was a big deal.”
Gabe stopped for a moment, looking down at his hands. “Your little sister looks up to you, do you know that?”
Michael stared back at him, then nodded.
“Mine did, too. She thought I was a damn superhero,” Gabe smiled. He turned his gaze to Michael. “Her name was Amy.”
Michael swallowed hard, biting his cheek before deciding to open his mouth. “What happened to her?” he asked reluctantly.
“She died. She got into a car with a drunk driver, and she died.” Gabe chewed over his next words carefully. “You know, I drove her around while drinking a hundred times. I made jokes about it. I constantly told her it was okay, I was okay. When I should’ve been teaching her to take care of herself, I was putting her in danger and teaching her that it was okay.”
“But you weren’t the one driving…” Michael trailed off.
“I didn’t have to be. It could’ve been me. Any of those times, it could’ve been me.” Gabe paused. “And if it weren’t for me teaching Amy that it was okay, she’d be alive right now.”
Michael was quiet, staring at the ground again. Gabe shoved down thoughts of Amy, shoved down the images of her after the crash. He took a slow inhale, holding the air in his lungs for five seconds before releasing it.
“My parents want me to go to these meetings. They’re on Saturday mornings at this place downtown…” Michael said.
Gabe nodded. Michael’s mother had mentioned a group meeting of some sort. He didn’t get many details. “You going to go?”
“Would you go with me?”
Gabe quickly looked up, meeting Michael’s worried brown eyes.
“Would that make you feel better about going?”
He nodded.
“Well then, okay,” Gabe said. “I’ll go with you.”
Michael smiled with relief. Gabe gave him a pat on the shoulder before standing up and turning towards him.
“I have an appointment, but we’ll keep in touch, okay? You’ve got my number?”
“Yes,” Michael answered, rising to meet Gabe’s handshake.
“Be good, kid. Talk soon.”
Gabe walked to his navy blue RAM, hopping into the driver’s seat and pulling away. He wanted to tell Amy about what he was doing, and he’d never missed an appointment with her. Maybe she would be able to forgive him, if she knew how many people he’d helped for her. Everything he did, it was all for her. He prayed every single day hoping for forgiveness, knowing that he didn’t deserve it. Nothing he did would ever erase his past, but he’d keep trying. For Amy.
***
“IT’S BEEN TWO YEARS and I still can’t believe that you abandoned me and went to New York.”
“I didn’t abandon you,” Victoria teased. “You can come visit me anytime you’d like! We can explore the Big Apple together.”
“Yeah, uh-huh. If psycho Tim ever gives me a day off.” Victoria didn’t have to see Amy to know she was rolling her eyes. She could hear it in her voice.
“New manager?”
“I thought anyone would be better than Gloria. I was wrong.”
They both laughed.
“So are you ever going to tell me what happened that night of my grad party?”
Victoria’s stomach started to feel a little funny. “Nothing happened. I’ve told you a million times.”
“You’ve lied a million times,” Amy giggled.
Victoria huffed out a breath. “You know, I started dating a stock broker.”
“Is he rich?”
“He’s getting there,” Victoria smiled, adjusting the phone. “He’s a good guy. Handsome, and smart, and he treats me well. He’s nice.”
“You sound like you’re telling yourself that more than you’re telling me, Vic.” Amy paused. “Are you doing okay?”
“Of course I am. I’m doing great. Better than ever!”
Victoria could hear Amy take a deep breath, hold it, and release, as if debating whether or not to say something else.
“You know, he asks about you all the time.”
Victoria’s heart thudded in her chest.
“He?”
“Gabe.”
“Why?”
“I have no idea, which is why I still want to know what actually happened the night of my party! He’s constantly asking me about you, to the point where it’s gotten really annoying. I told him to talk to you himself if he wants to know that badly.”
“It was good talking to you, Amy. It’s always good talking to you. I’ve got to get back to class, though.” Gabe had been asking about her?
“Are you okay, Vic?” Amy sounded concerned.
“I’m fine. We’ll chat more tonight. Love you!”
She clicked off the phone.
***
“HI, AMY,” VICTORIA said quietly, kneeling in the grass. She stared at the rectangular stone meant to represent her friend, and she couldn’t help but look over the writing. When she got to the dates, she paused. Her birthday, a little dash, and the day she died. How maddening it was that all of Amy’s life, all of her struggles and triumphs and adventures, had been reduced to a dash. Victoria let out a long breath.
“It’s Vic. I’m home, again,” Victoria smiled softly, staring at the blue and purple flowers that sat in front of Amy’s stone. “I, uh, I wanted to help people. And I’ve been working really hard to do that, you know? Really hard…” Victoria paused again, licking her upper lip and knotting her fingers together in her lap.
“I’m opening a private practice downtown. Every Saturday, I’m holding free classes for people who are struggling with substance abuse… any kind. Friends and families, too.
“I have a picture of us in my office, you know. From that graduation party you threw seven years ago.” Victoria laughed. “I wish I’d spent that night with you instead of your brother.”
Her smile faded as the tears started rushing to her eyes. “If I had spent that night with you instead of him, I w
ould’ve kept being that naive little girl. I would’ve stayed here forever, probably,” Victoria rolled her eyes. “God knows I never would’ve left…” A deep breath. “If I was here, if I had stayed…” Victoria covered her mouth as tears rolled out. She took a deep breath as she attempted to choke down the pain she felt. “If I had stayed,” she started again, “maybe things would’ve been different. Maybe you would have called me to drive you home that night. Maybe you would’ve listened to me talk about my research studies and realized how dangerous he was. Maybe you would’ve had someone to lean on that was good for you.”
Victoria squeezed her eyes shut, slowly taking in air and releasing it with the same gentle care. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you, Amy.”
Victoria was pulled out of the moment when she heard footsteps approaching. Jumping up, she wiped her tears and spun around, never expecting to see what she saw. She must’ve looked like a deer in headlights, eyes wide and mouth gaping. She felt frozen in place as the man in front of her met her gaze and stopped dead in his tracks.
Gabe.
Chapter Three
WHEN VICTORIA WAS A little girl, she found a squirrel in the bush beside her house. Thinking he needed help, she knelt down and reached out for him, only to get bit. A few hours went by, and he was still there. Despite her earlier interaction with the squirrel, him still being there meant he must have needed help, and so Victoria tried again, only to be bit again.
It took two days and five bites before her mother realized what had happened and brought her to the hospital, not before calling animal control and having the squirrel tested for rabies and then taken off to who-knows-where.
When Victoria got home from the hospital that night, hand bandaged and antibiotics pumping through her body, she went out back to look again for the squirrel, and cried when he was not there.
Victoria aged and thought back to this squirrel often, especially in high school, when she learned how cruel people could be. She thought it was kind of metaphorical, after all, showing her that no matter how much you wanted to help, sometimes those suffering just want to continue their suffering alone, and they’d bite anyone who got too close.
Victoria really believed she learned her lesson.
So why, now, while staring at the man who broke her heart and killed her best friend, did she feel the overwhelming urge to console him?
Gabe looked broken. The shadow on his jaw told her he hadn’t shaved in a few days, his hair, longer on top than on the bottom, fell messily over his forehead. His face was hard, but his green eyes were as brilliant as they always had been. His strong muscles and broad shoulders were every bit as sexy as they had been seven years ago, when they… Victoria shoved the memory from her mind.
“Vic?” he asked, his eyes focusing in on her face.
“Oh, so now you recognize me?” Victoria heard the venom in her voice and bit her lip. She didn’t mean to let that slip out, she certainly didn’t want Gabe to know that she was still angry with him for that night so many years ago.
Gabe looked to the ground, running his hand behind his neck before looking up again to meet Victoria’s eyes. Seeing him look over her body, she felt a pang of regret. She wore blue jeans and a black button-up, and suddenly, she couldn’t feel more uncomfortable in her skin.
Damn him for making me feel this way! Victoria took a slow inhale, mentally reminding herself that she wasn’t the innocent little girl she was years ago. She knew her worth now, and a simple stare from Gabe Matthews would not undo any of her progress.
“I never thought I’d see you again,” Gabe said lowly, his voice barely audible.
Victoria wanted to bite her lip, but instead, she let herself go. “And that’s what you wanted, right? To never see me again?” Anger pumped through her, anger that she buried down seven years ago and didn’t even know was still there.
“No,” Gabe answered quickly, taking two steps forward before stopping at Victoria’s flinch. “No, that was never what I wanted,” he said more quietly, holding her gaze the entire time.
“I struggle to believe that, Gabe. After your big show and all. After which, I should add, I certainly never wanted to see you again!” Victoria let out a huff of breath, shaking her head. “And yet here we are.”
The silence hung between them, painfully uncomfortable, and yet Victoria couldn’t silence the little girl inside of her screaming about how close she stood to Gabe. She shoved her down, berating the foolish child who still believed in such nonsense. Gabe couldn’t care less about her. Gabe never cared at all. He made that abundantly clear.
“Last I heard, you were doing really well. I’m really happy for you, Vic,” Gabe said weakly, the smile on his lips never reaching his eyes.
“How have you been?” she blurted out without her mind’s permission. It bothered her deeply that she cared still, but she did. She had kept up to date with things on social media, but Gabe had deleted all of his accounts after Amy’s death, and she never heard a word about him again. Curiosity and concern ate away at her, but, for her own sanity, she convinced herself it was simply her being curious.
“I’m an EMT now,” Gabe said, more confidence in his voice. “I actually have to be at work in an hour, but I always stop here before my shift to talk to Amy…” he trailed off again.
Victoria couldn’t get over how awkward things were between them. She licked her lip and tried to have a normal conversation with her best friend’s older brother. That’s all he was, after all. Nothing more.
“What made you want to be an EMT?” Victoria asked.
Gabe’s eyes slowly fell down before Victoria. She turned to look at what he was staring at, and saw that it was Amy’s grave. Her heart suddenly hurt for him, and she yearned to pull him close.
She pushed the thoughts down with anger, a poor coping skill, but a better idea than giving into her incessant need to save everybody.
“You weren’t at the funeral.” Just speaking the words infuriated Victoria.
“I know.”
“Why?” She waited. No response. “Why the hell not?” she demanded.
Gabe took a sharp inhale. “I knew it then and I know it now: it’s my fault. I should’ve been a better role model for her, and I failed her. And I’m the reason she’s dead.”
Victoria’s professional-self wanted to correct him immediately, tell him that he can’t blame himself for the actions of others, no matter what kind of shitty role model he may have been. She wanted to tell him that Amy made the decision herself, she got into that car. Victoria wanted to tell him that he needed to release control, he needed to realize that there was no possible way he could go back and change the things that happened, so the best thing he could do was move forward.
That’s what she wanted to tell him. That’s what she should have told him.
“Yes. You are.” She deserved to have her license revoked. Victoria hated herself. As the skies grew darker, Victoria pushed away, shoving around Gabe and quickly walking towards the street.
“Vic! Wait!” Gabe yelled. “It’s going to storm, let me drive you home.”
Her head was spinning with anger, more at herself than at Gabe. Sadness. Embarrassment. Victoria was an expert in her field, a renowned psychologist, a 27 year old woman, and yet a few words from Gabe Matthews had her right back to square one, right back to being that naive little girl who thought they’d live happily ever after and was surprised when he didn’t want that with her.
“I’d rather be stormed on than be anywhere with you,” Victoria said coldly, putting up the walls in her head and shutting off her feelings. She couldn’t bear to feel this stuff. Not now, not here.
“I’m really sorry, Victoria.” His voice was soft and tender, genuine in every way. But she couldn’t let herself believe him. She couldn’t let that happen. Not again.
“So am I,” she said under her breath before continuing down the road as the first drops of rain hit her skin.
***
SEEING VICTO
RIA MADE Gabe stop in his tracks. He never thought they’d see each other again, and from the look on her face when he strolled up, she thought the same. It was weird, how quickly Gabe wanted to pull Vic into his arms, to apologize to her over and over again, to beg her for forgiveness and explain himself to her.
He didn’t. He stood like a fool by his sister’s grave and watched Victoria walk away. The woman was stunning, and as much as he wanted to look away, he couldn’t. Her curves looked amazing in the simple denim pants and blouse, and those long blonde locks were as beautiful as ever. He hadn’t felt so attracted to a woman since… well, sober, ever. And even drunk, he hadn’t been as attracted to anyone as he was to her on that night they’d spent together. I wonder why that is…
Letting out a deep sigh, Gabe turned to Amy.
“Hey, sis.” Gabe smiled softly, kneeling down to get closer to Amy. “Did you see that awkward encounter?” he laughed, shaking his head.
“She’s always been a really great friend to you, huh?” he paused, thinking carefully about what he was going to say next. “I know that if I didn’t hurt her, she wouldn’t have left. And then maybe you’d still be here right now…” The guilt ate away at him.
Every night, Gabe sat awake, staring at the ceiling, thinking about every mistake he’d ever made. There were so many, and yet none of them ate away at him quite as much as what he did to Victoria. He thought he’d given her a clean break, an easy way out. He was doing her a favor by breaking her heart; she deserved far better than a guy like him. Especially then. He was a train wreck.
But when she moved away… it broke him a little bit. Gabe didn’t quite know why. Maybe it was because he’d hurt her worse than he thought, maybe it was because he pushed her away from her friends and family. Maybe it was because he missed her and expected her to always be there, in one way or another.
“I’m sorry, Amy. For all of it. But I’m trying to do better,” Gabe let out a breath he’d been holding in for just a little too long. “I met this kid, Amy. He has a little sister, and he’s been getting into trouble. I think maybe I can help him, maybe I can make a difference for him and his little sister.”
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