She held one of the mugs out as Gabriel reentered the room. ‘Here you go, Sonic Man. I think you’ve earned it.’
Gabriel looked mildly embarrassed. He took the mug from her and sat down on the sofa. ‘You were listening,’ he said.
‘It was sweet,’ she insisted, smiling at him. ‘He’s a million times happier now. I know it might be bad news tomorrow but at least he’ll get a good night’s sleep.’ She took a sip of her drink, watching him over the rim of the mug. ‘I had no idea you were such a natural with kids.’
A pause. ‘Am I?’ he said lightly. ‘I really hadn’t given it a thought.’ He seemed to be avoiding meeting her eyes but she wasn’t going to be put off that easily. Their recent discussions about her own relationship had made her realise that they never discussed his. Well, she corrected herself, only in terms of her ribbing him about being a playboy and teasing him that he couldn’t remember the name of his latest conquest. He never ever talked about how he felt in relation to any of them. She couldn’t believe she’d been wondering whether she and Gabe could ever be a couple. Especially when she already had her relationship for life all worked out. Perhaps she should try and encourage him to find someone more permanent, too. As she was his best friend that should be her role, not this mad daydreaming about something that could never and should never happen.
‘Yes,’ she said pointedly. ‘You are. You’d make a great dad. Don’t you ever think about that? About settling down and having a family?’ She watched him closely for his reaction.
He stood up and made a move towards the kitchen. ‘Got any biscuits or cakes, Lu? I’m starving.’
‘In the cupboard behind the door,’ she called after him, and waited determinedly until he returned with a handful of biscuits.
He sat down again and ran a hand distractedly through his thick dark hair. ‘So, have you given any more thought to how you’re going to propose to Ed?’ He offered her one of his biscuits with a smile.
She flapped a dismissive hand at him. ‘Don’t change the subject,’ she said purposefully.
‘I’m not!’ he protested. ‘Wasn’t your proposal the whole reason for me coming over?’
‘Technically, yes, but since you’ve been relishing pulling my lovelife apart and sticking it under a microscope, I think I deserve to be allowed to question you for a change.’ She ignored his frown and carried on. ‘I want an answer. Where do you see your future? Do you want a family one day, or do you plan to just cruise on through life rudderless?’
Gabriel gave a cold little laugh. ‘I don’t want to talk about it, Lucy, so let’s just get back on task, shall we?’ His grey eyes, normally full of warmth for her, flashed dark and dangerous.
Lucy pretended not to notice how agitated he was becoming. His reluctance to talk only spurred her on. She knew, of course, why he was so on edge. She was skirting around the issue of Alison. But after talking to his mother she couldn’t help thinking it would be for his own good if Gabriel did open up about Alison and how he felt. After the embarrassment of that day in Oxford, she hadn’t permitted herself the easy luxury of disliking Alison. She couldn’t let herself feel jealous because that would be to admit that she cared. Alison had been a sweet and kind person and Lucy had genuinely liked her.
‘Don’t brush me off like that, Gabe.’ She leaned forward in her chair and grabbed his hand impulsively. He looked down at it, concealing his face from her so she couldn’t read any emotion. ‘Don’t you think it’s time you let go?’ she said gently.
He didn’t look up and his voice was mechanically neutral. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ He pulled his hand away from hers and she was suddenly left clutching fresh air. She looked down at her empty fingers and shook her head. No way was she letting this slide now.
‘Yes, you do,’ she said, firmly and deliberately.
He still didn’t look up.
‘You forget, Gabriel, that I knew Alison, too,’ she said softly, as much to herself as to him. ‘She was lovely, Gabe. Women can be really gossipy, you know, really catty sometimes. But not her. And she was never once bothered by me—do you remember that? All your new conquests can’t stand you having a female best mate, but Alison just saw me as someone to go shopping with, who she could moan to about your rugby obsession. I can understand why you were so devastated when she died, but do you really think she’d want this? You, the eternal bachelor, never moving on? The Alison I knew would have wanted more for you.’
She paused, wondering if she’d gone too far. God, Lucy, you never ask him about the girl for nigh on ten years and then put him on the spot. You’ll be lucky if he ever speaks to you again. Is that really what you wanted? For a moment there was silence in the room, and still Gabriel didn’t look up at her. He simply stared down at his glass of wine. But then, just as she was wondering if she really should let the subject drop after all, he spoke.
‘We talked sometimes about having kids,’ he said quietly, almost to himself. She had to strain to pick up on what he was saying because she couldn’t see his lips move. ‘She always used to say she wanted six. A tribe, she called it.’ He uttered a strangled laugh. ‘It sounded a good plan to me. I’d always wanted a big family.’
‘I never knew that,’ Lucy said gently, marvelling that she’d known him most of her life and yet he’d never mentioned it. And worse, she’d never thought to ask him. How shameful that was. ‘You never told me.’
‘Yeah, well, I didn’t want to do any of it without her so there wasn’t much point telling you, was there?’ he said quietly and glanced up at her for the first time since he’d started talking. His eyes were dry and his voice showed no sign of emotion. Lucy tried to put a finger on how he sounded. Empty. He sounded empty.
There was a long pause. Lucy forced herself not to speak, hoping that he would continue. He was looking down at his hands.
‘I didn’t want to do any of it without Alison,’ he said eventually. ‘Without her I’d rather not do it at all. I didn’t even want to think of having a family, being a husband or a dad, because she was always meant to be part of the deal.’
‘And do you still feel like that?’ Lucy asked him, biting her lip. For some reason the question seemed incredibly important to her. Out of concern for him, of course, she told herself. Certainly not for her own information. It had no real impact on her, after all. She was Gabe’s friend, nothing more.
‘I don’t let myself think about it, so I really wouldn’t know.’ He glanced up at her for the briefest moment and his expression was one of such suppressed sorrow that she felt her heart constrict inside her chest. Poor Gabriel. So strong and full of life but never really addressing the feelings at the centre of his soul. He’d put his grief in a box ten years ago and thrown away the key. What an absolute tragedy that after all this time he was no closer to moving on and putting what happened to Alison behind him than he had been at the time.
Lucy couldn’t bring herself to press him any harder. She decided to ease up, change the subject. But this is a breakthrough, she told herself. Just getting him to discuss it. She resolved to find a way to help him get over the past and be the complete person she knew he should be. That was what she should be doing, as his friend. That was where her role was in his life. She stood up.
‘Tell you what, I’ll put some more coffee on.’ She smiled at him supportively. ‘And then I’ll tell you the latest news from Planet Ed. Did I tell you he’s bought me Elvis Presley’s film collection? As if bombarding me with his music isn’t enough, he’s decided we can watch them back to back!’ She felt the tension in the room lift as Gabriel laughed. She could see he was relieved at the shift in subject. That was enough soul-searching for one night. But I’m going to bring it up again soon, she thought. This burial of emotion just wasn’t what she wanted for him.
Gabriel let himself into his house on autopilot three hours later. His mind swam. It was the first time he’d discussed Alison with anyone in at least eight years. During that time he’d built a
new normality, he’d become so used to sidestepping conversations about her, to avoiding even thinking about her, that it had become second nature.
This evening all that had changed. He felt… he struggled to find the correct word… exposed was the closest he could get to it. Laid bare. And the person who’d enabled that to happen was the person he was already confused about beyond all reason.
Turning on the lights, he walked purposefully through his sitting room, straight to the desk in the far corner. Opening one of the deep drawers, he rummaged inside it until he found what he was after. He drew out a small book, its slightly rough burgundy cover interrupted by a single word embossed in cream. ‘Photos.’
Not allowing himself to pause, he sat down on the nearest chair and rested his fingertips against the cover for a few moments, steeling himself. It had to be six years at least since he’d opened this book. He knew so well what was inside it but he’d deliberately cut those images from his mind. That was why he’d hidden the book away. He didn’t want or need tangible reminders of the past; he had enough of a battle keeping the memories inside his head at bay. He gripped the book tighter for a moment, forcing himself to recognise that hiding these reminders from himself was not a healthy way to live.
With a small intake of breath he opened the book and stared down at the first picture before him. A smile touched his lips. Alison with her pale blonde hair smiled back. No tears came to his eyes, no lump constricted his throat. He’d shed all his tears the first year or two after she’d gone. Night after night when sleep refused to give him respite and he was totally immersed in his grief. Now, looking down at the picture, he realised that he had moved on in a sense. Not that Lucy would agree, he thought wryly. She seemed to believe that serial dating was symptomatic of long-term grief, but she was wrong. He wasn’t stuck grieving; he knew that. He’d chosen not to get involved with anyone since because he didn’t want to go back to that period of dreadful loss. Not ever again. But the touch of Lucy’s hand tonight, the rush of excitement he’d felt when she’d curled her arms around him and kissed him goodbye on the cheek, made him consider for the first time that maybe in denying that closeness with someone he was only living half a life.
For the last ten years his main thought when he met an attractive woman was how many dates it would take to get her into bed. Now perhaps he could begin to contemplate that there could be more to it than that. The only problem was that his inclination to get any closer than that seemed to be conditional on the particular woman he was thinking of. And ever since he’d taken Lucy shopping there had been no one else for him.
He closed the photo album. Was it possible that he’d had feelings for Lucy even before her recent talk of marriage plans? Perhaps. He just hadn’t had any reason to give them any credence before. Why should he, when he already had her friendship without having to take the scary step forward to make it into anything more? Why try to fix something that wasn’t broken? But now… Now he wasn’t sure if her friendship was enough. And that one thing, he supposed, was the strongest indication that he was ready to move on and put the past behind him. Properly behind him, this time. As a gesture to himself, he deliberately didn’t rebury the book in the drawer he never looked inside. Instead he left it on top of the desk, where he could see it any time. Where he would see it, often.
He lay awake into the night knowing that Lucy belonged to someone else. All those things she’d said to him, about moving on, finding someone new and having the family he’d chosen to forget he wanted. She meant finding some other girl. Not her. She already had her happy ever after sorted. And after all this time, was he capable of sustaining a proper long-term relationship? Was it a skill that you had to relearn or did it just come back to you, like swimming or driving? His mind swam with confused feelings. He wasn’t about to chance his friendship with Lucy by telling her how he felt. Not when he wasn’t even sure himself. And definitely not when their friendship might be the biggest casualty if it all went wrong. Turning over in bed, he resolved to keep his feelings well and truly to himself. Maybe if he did that and kept Lucy at arm’s length, these new feelings for her would pass. If he could keep some distance between them until her betrothal to Ed was a done deal, he knew he would never compromise her future and maybe then he could finally move forward properly.
CHAPTER FIVE
GABRIEL did a very efficient job of avoiding Lucy for the next couple of days. This was no mean feat based on the fact that Ed seemed to be paying her more attention. Determined to bury her growing feelings for Gabriel and spurred on by the fact that their plan seemed to be working, she was eager to talk to him about the proposal night and in her usual impatient way bombarded him with phone calls trying to arrange just that.
Eventually, with every moment he spent away from her making him more determined to keep out of her way, he’d even begun to convince himself that his new attraction to her was no more than the result of an off-day. It was the shopping trip, he told himself. He’d just been wrong-footed by being forced to focus on her appearance when he’d never had reason to do that before. Hell, as a kid he’d seen her eating mud, hair all over the place, and as an adult staying with him he’d seen her at her worst. That time she’d drunk too much red wine and had spent the night on the bathroom floor throwing up. She’d looked like death the next morning. No, he told himself, he could brush any mad feelings aside. She was still the same old Lucy, no regard for what time of day it was or whether she was disturbing him, simply ringing him when it suited her.
He picked up the phone one morning at eight, believing she would be too tied up at the bakery to call then, so he would be safe. His heart gave an involuntary lurch as he heard her voice.
‘Gabe, anyone would think you’ve been trying to avoid me. Either that or you should sack your secretary. I’ve left getting on for half a dozen messages for you.’
He covered the receiver with his hand and took a deep breath. ‘Yeah, yeah.’ He made a huge effort to sound normal. ‘I’m sorry. I’ve been wrapped up in a case, some major hitches, been in constant meetings. I have meant to ring.’ Plausible vague lies, exactly what the situation needed. It seemed to work because she didn’t appear to have heard him, instead sweeping on with her own stream of consciousness in her usual impatient way.
‘Well, never mind. I’ve got hold of you now. It’s Ed!’ She couldn’t keep the excitement out of her voice.
‘What about Ed?’ Walked out? Decided to become a monk? Sadly no.
‘The clothes are working! He noticed my new heels right away.’
He grinned ruefully into the phone. ‘Told you.’
‘And I keep catching him stealing sneaky glances at me when he thinks I’m not looking. He’s much more touchy-feely than usual, too. You’re a genius! I should market you to women everywhere!’
Gabe felt a stabbing pain somewhere deep in his gut, not unlike a punch. Miserably he realised this was what jealousy must feel like. It wasn’t an emotion he was used to. The women he dated never evoked enough interest for him to be bothered if another man came along. His mind spun. It wasn’t just a blip, then. Something he could talk himself out of by using willpower. There really had been a shift in his feelings for her. He rubbed his temples with his thumb and forefinger. Problem was, how the hell did he shift them back to where they were supposed to be? Because it was obvious that Lucy didn’t feel the same way. And why should she? He was just good old Gabriel, brother-figure, who was currently masterminding her happy ever after with another guy and who’d apparently just kick-started her relationship.
Wanting to get the conversation over with as quickly as he could, he was uncharacteristically abrupt with her. ‘Lucy, I’ve really got to be somewhere, so can we do this later?’
‘I’m sorry! I always forget how busy you are. I think of you as my personal property.’
He felt a surge of happiness at this remark followed swiftly by despair. What the hell was he going to do?
‘I just wanted to organise g
etting together,’ she said. ‘You know, to talk through my proposal. I’ve got loads of ideas. Maybe we could make it a lunchtime, though, because Ed’s been talking about taking me out to dinner.’
What, every night? he wanted to snarl at her. He shook his head briefly to try and clear it. ‘Are you sure you really need me, Lucy? I mean, you sound like you’re doing great on your own.’
‘Of course I need you.’ She sounded puzzled and hurt and he experienced a jolt of guilt. ‘I need your views, Gabe. You’ve helped loads already. I know I haven’t been exactly positive about some of your observations, but you know that’s just my way. I’ve taken everything you’ve said on board.’ Then she added cynically, ‘Or are you just too busy for friends? Is that it?’
He pulled himself together with a stupendous effort. He was used to his emotions being pretty constant, not this swinging between jealousy, anger and misery. If love was this much grief, he decided he had been thoroughly justified in choosing to give it a miss all this time.
‘Don’t be silly,’ he said, as lightly as he could. ‘Like I said, it’s just been busy.’ He realised he couldn’t avoid seeing her. His only hope was to carry on as normal and hope these feelings would just wear off. In fact seeing her might help. Maybe he was building the whole thing up in his mind. ‘How about tomorrow?’ he suggested. ‘I’ll meet you at Smith’s for a sandwich.’
‘Great. Can you make it about two?’
He gritted his teeth in exasperation. ‘Do you always have to eat so late? Can’t you have lunch at twelve or one like normal people?’
‘I can’t help it,’ she countered. ‘Twelve until one is our busiest time at the shop. We need more than one person to make it run properly. If we make it two, I can leave Sophie in charge and not have to rush back.’
‘OK, OK, two it is.’ There was no point arguing with her.
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