A second glance up at him. And the faint glimmer of a smile touched the corners of her mouth. His heart twisted as he noticed how tired she looked. He ached to just grab her and sweep her into a hug and he clenched his fists in a supreme effort to stop himself doing just that. He needed to talk to her first. To apologise. To make it right.
‘Lucy, I’m sorry,’ he said. When she didn’t look up, he walked over to her. Putting an arm around her, he firmly removed the spatula from her hand and cast it onto the worktop next to the ghastly blob of green stuff. She still didn’t speak but she made no move to stop him as he propelled her over to a chair. Pushing her to sit down, he knelt down in front of her and took both of her cold hands in his. They were sticky from the cake mixture.
He looked deeply into her clear green eyes. ‘I had no right to talk to you like that about your parents.’ He searched her face for some response. ‘After everything they put you through, I don’t know what I was thinking.’ She simply looked at him as he squeezed her hands. ‘Lucy, I’m so sorry.’
‘How did you know I’d be here?’ she asked, after a moment.
He smiled gently at her. ‘Because I know you, Lu. Almost as well as you know yourself. Remember when there was that hitch when you were setting up the shop lease? And that time you crashed your car? You trashed my kitchen and cooked for England. When normal people need time to think they go for a drive, or maybe a walk. You cook. You had to be somewhere with an oven. I tried your flat. I just narrowed it down.’
A wry smile.
‘So am I forgiven?’ He looked at her hopefully.
She smiled at him properly this time and he felt a surge of relief that made his head swim. ‘You are forgiven,’ she said. ‘But only on condition that you quit stepping outside your remit. I asked you for a few pointers on how to propose. I didn’t expect you to try and counsel me about my past like some agony aunt. Agreed?’
He could hear the tiredness in her voice but she sounded absolutely resolute. He was prepared to accept anything at this moment in order to make it all right.
‘Agreed,’ he said, thankfully. Standing up, he hooked another chair from the corner of the room with one foot and pulled it over, sitting down next to her.
She loosened her unruly curls and caught them back up, forcing the pencil more securely through them. ‘Anyway, things didn’t turn out so badly after all,’ she told him, without meeting his eyes. ‘I took your advice and went to see my dad.’ And without waiting for any further response from him she stood up and went back to the worktop, picking up the spatula and scooping a blob of the green macaroon mixture onto some baking paper.
‘Oh?’ He didn’t dare venture any comment for fear of saying the wrong thing. She’d only just forgiven his behaviour and there was no way he intended to risk another argument.
She glanced briefly around at him. ‘I know,’ she said. ‘I can’t believe it, either. I’m really proud of myself. I was so angry with you for suggesting I let them back into my life. You had no right. But the trouble was, once you’d said it I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It drove me mad, until I just had to go and see him to find out how I really feel.’
‘And how do you really feel?’ He wasn’t sure he really wanted to know the answer to that.
‘Well, I’m not scared of him any more.’ She put the spatula down and turned to face him, leaning back against the worktop. ‘You should see him, Gabe. He’s just a sad old man now. His drinking doesn’t look any better but he seems to be holding down a job, so it can’t be that terrible, can it? I feel like maybe I could have a relationship with him now on my own terms. I have my own life now and I can choose how much of a part he plays in that. I’m totally in control.’ She smiled at him and his heart felt as if it would liquefy at the relief he saw in her face. ‘It’s a good feeling. I’ve been putting him out of my mind for so long. It’s so lovely not to have to do that any more.’
It was no good. He had to ask the question that bothered him the most. ‘And how’s things with Ed?’ He kept his voice as neutral as he could, betraying no feelings.
The oven alarm sounded suddenly and they both jumped. Lucy broke their eye contact to cross the room and remove some cupcakes. With her back to him she was mercifully unable to see the agony that crossed Gabriel’s face as she said, ‘Good, thanks. If anything this has made me more certain than ever.’ She put the cakes down on a cooling rack and turned back to him, removing the oven gloves from her hands.
‘Really? You’re going ahead with the proposal?’ His heart felt like lead in his chest. As if someone had wrung it suddenly, or maybe stamped on it.
‘Yes.’ She took a skewer from the counter and stabbed it into one of the cupcakes. ‘You’ve done me a favour, Gabe. If I wasn’t sure before I damn well am now. I can’t change my past but I can shape my future. What I have with Ed is based on the most important things. All the things that were missing for my parents, why their relationship was such a train wreck. Ed and I don’t compare with what they were. I can make my own family now and I know I’ll get it right.’
Gabriel’s heart constricted in his chest. He forced himself to smile at her. ‘Great. That’s great. I’m sure it will all be fine.’
She looked really happy. Tired but determined. And she’d been through so much. He dug his nails into his palms so hard that they left a mark. Because of your selfish desire to keep her to yourself you’ve put her through hell this last week. Well, no more. As he stood there in that moment he hated himself more than he’d ever hated anyone. He, who was supposed to care about her, not caring how much he hurt her as long as the outcome was what he wanted. He now admitted to himself that he loved her. That he’d loved her for years. It was pointless denying it. Too late to tell her now and it served him right. How could he turn her life upside down again when she was so happy and settled?
He made a decision on the spot. He would back right off. And with good grace this time. No petulant outbursts like the one he’d had in Smith’s. She would get married to Ed. Live a long and happy life with her kids and her business. And he would stick with the role of friend. Embrace it and be grateful for it. This week he’d proved to himself that he was barely worthy of that.
She was moving the cupcakes onto a rack now, her attention totally taken up with them. He needed to get out of here.
‘I’ll get going now, Lu. I can see you’re busy.’ He walked steadily across the room and leaned over her shoulder to kiss her cheek. Closing his eyes, he breathed in the scent of her. She smelled sweet, like vanilla, and he felt his body respond instantly, involuntarily. He clenched his fists tightly and stepped away immediately as if burned. She was so engrossed in what she was doing that she didn’t even notice.
‘OK,’ she said without looking up. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow, then. What time are you picking me up?’
He floundered momentarily. What the hell was she talking about? And then he remembered. His work dinner. That would be some kind of torture now. But maybe he could use it as an opportunity to work on their friendship. Set some new boundaries that might help him to let go of the image of her as something more than a friend. As his lover. Find a way to help him carry on as just her friend.
‘I’ll pick you up at seven,’ he called over his shoulder on the way out. He didn’t wait for an answer.
CHAPTER SEVEN
LUCY looked appraisingly at her reflection in the mirror. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d worn a cocktail dress. College ball, maybe? Even then she didn’t think she’d ever worn anything as lovely as this. Following the success of the personal shopping session, she’d picked a dress outside the scope of what she would normally wear. It was a simple sheath of black silk, ankle length and bias cut so it skimmed her body in all the right places, giving the impression of curves for once despite the fact she hardly had any. The spaghetti straps showed off the creamy skin of her shoulders and the back was daringly low cut. She had bought a soft black wrap to go with it. The whole outfit had
cost more than she could remember spending on one shopping trip, ever. But she’d done her best to ignore her frugal instincts. Gabriel would be proud of her progress, she thought. With a lot of work and plenty of hair products she’d even managed to tame her curls for once. She’d pinned the front sections back and the bulk of her hair cascaded over her bare shoulders and down her back. A few tendrils escaped, framing her face.
A normal night out for her was a meal down at the local pub with Ed, for which she barely made the effort to wash the flour out of her hair. She sprayed perfume in a cloud and walked into it, the way the magazines said you should. She had to admit that she was enjoying the evening so far. It was lovely to get dressed up for a change.
She wouldn’t let herself think about Gabriel in any other way than as a friend. That had all been some minor head rush, cold feet about settling down, nothing more. The argument about her parents had made it easier to ignore those feelings; she had been so angry with him. She refused to think about the way her heart had raced at the bakery yesterday when Gabriel had apologised and had looked into her eyes and held her hands. Furious anger with him followed by the misplaced heart-thumping desire that she’d spent the last days fighting. Two extremes.
Does Ed ever make you feel that intense? her mind whispered suddenly, and she suppressed the thought. Tonight would be a good opportunity to get her friendship with Gabriel back on track after their argument. And then tomorrow night she was going to take her life in her hands and propose to Ed. It was all going to turn out perfectly. She closed her eyes briefly. So why did she feel more excited, more on edge, more alive about tonight than she did about tomorrow?
She stepped into the black high heels. Instantly the hang of the dress was perfected and the girl in the mirror had a proper womanly figure for a change instead of her usual look of an orphan who could do with feeding up. A dab of lip gloss and she was ready. She checked the clock. It was almost seven. She decided to wait through Gabriel’s customary late half-hour downstairs. She could put the TV on and take her mind off her nerves bubbling in her stomach.
For once she actually thought he had outdone himself. Just five minutes had passed before the buzzer sounded, and she pressed the button to open the door and then returned to the sitting room to search for her handbag. She heard the door slam and then footsteps entered the room. She dropped lip gloss and keys into her bag without looking up.
‘Pretty much on time—makes a change,’ she joked, and then turned around with a grin to see not Gabriel, but Ed, dressed in jeans and a T-shirt.
He let out a low whistle. ‘Wow.’
She smiled at him uncertainly. ‘I wasn’t expecting you.’
‘I know. I just thought I’d pop in on the way to the pub.’ He was looking at her as if he’d never seen her before.
‘Do I look OK?’ She turned this way and that, trying to appraise the hang of the dress. She felt a little shy, even with Ed, simply because it was so far removed from anything she normally wore. The heels were three inches, so for once she almost matched Ed for height. Gabe was taller than Ed and so would still tower above her, of course, but she was used to that.
‘You look stunning,’ he said. ‘Shame it’s going to be wasted on Gabriel.’ He looked her up and down. ‘Still…’ he walked over to her and ran a finger down her bare back ‘… I could make up for it now.’
She wriggled away before she could think about how that would look. ‘Not now, Ed. It’s taken for ever to make my hair look like something other than a bird’s nest. The last thing I need is to roll around on the sofa.’
Ed retreated across the room as if stung, and guilt stabbed at her as she caught his hurt expression.
‘I’m sorry,’ she gabbled. ‘I’m just nervous, I suppose. Not used to parties like this, and I won’t know anyone apart from Gabe.’ She gave a little laugh and walked back towards him, intending to compensate for giving him the brush off. But Ed was having none of it.
He pushed her away roughly as she tried to put her arms around his neck. ‘If I didn’t know better I’d think there was something going on between the two of you. First you start dressing differently and spending more time with him, and now you’re done up like a dog’s dinner as his escort and you give me the cold shoulder. When the hell do you dress like this for me? That’s what I’d like to know.’
Not this, not now. Jittery enough already at the prospect of the evening ahead, she had to take deep breaths to keep herself calm.
‘You’re not being fair,’ she protested. ‘Yes, I’ve changed my clothes a bit, but only because I thought I was looking a bit tired and boring. And you’ve got a cheek criticising me for seeing Gabe. You’ve been out with your mates four times this week.’ She turned on her heel and left the room, angry and upset. She hated arguments like this. It transported her back to her childhood when she used to sit on the top stair and listen to the raised voices below. She tried her best to always solve problems calmly, whoever she was talking to, but she had to admit that sometimes she didn’t find it easy. She had quite a quick temper and it didn’t always behave the way she would have liked it to.
‘There’s an important distinction though, Lucy,’ he shouted after her. ‘My mates are all men!’
He stormed after her and caught up with her in the kitchen. ‘What would you think if I took a woman out for the evening to a work party? I think I’ve been more than understanding under the circumstances.’ He pointed an emphatic finger at her as she turned to face him. ‘In fact I think I’ve been an absolute saint. And it’s gone on long enough. You’re not going tonight. I forbid it. So you might as well go and get that dress off and put some jeans on.’ He had the air of someone who expected his bidding to be done without question.
Lucy felt any control she retained over her anger disappear and she let fly with full force. ‘Don’t you dare tell me what to do! This has nothing to do with me having a relationship with Gabe. I’m doing a favour for a friend and that’s all. It has everything to do with your lazy approach to everything about you and me. When do I dress like this for you? When the hell do you take me anywhere that has a dress code other than jeans?’ She opened her clutch bag and pawed through its contents in search of her house keys. She would find them and wait outside. Gabriel would be picking her up at any moment and she didn’t want him to wander inadvertently into World War Three. Ed could let himself out.
She found the keys as he snarled his answer.
‘If you weren’t so damn tired from working God-knows-what hours then maybe we’d have a bit more of a social life. But you’re the one who can’t leave that damn bakery alone for five minutes. And when I ask you to show a bit of interest in my business, put some investment my way, there’s zero interest. Zilch.’
A horn sounded outside. She couldn’t have timed it better herself. Maybe she and Gabe had some psychic link that enabled him to read her mind.
‘I can’t do this now,’ she said. ‘I’m going out.’ She walked carefully down the hall towards the front door, deliberately placing one foot in front of the other in the unfamiliar high heels. They clicked against the wooden floor.
‘Get back here. You’re not going anywhere!’
She ignored Ed’s shout but as she slammed the door behind her she couldn’t stop the tears beginning to burn at the back of her throat. The night was cloudy and she could feel the threat of rain. It perfectly matched the way she felt. She ran without looking back down the steps to the silver Aston Martin and climbed in. Only then did she look back. Only then did she realise that she’d absolutely expected Ed to run after her out of the house. The door remained closed. He hadn’t bothered. She wondered for a moment how she felt about that, what it might say about Ed’s feelings for her. She didn’t like the thought that right now they seemed to be growing apart instead of closer.
‘Are you OK?’ Gabriel looked like James Bond in his perfectly cut dinner suit. His eyes looked deeper blue-grey than ever against the black jacket combined with his dark hair
. His face was full of nothing but concern for her.
‘Just drive,’ she said. She pulled the visor down in front of her so she could use the mirror. Fishing in her clutch bag for a tissue, she used a corner of it to carefully mop her eyes without smearing the eye make-up that had taken the best part of half an hour to get right. All these small deliberate movements helped her to get her temper back under control. Gabriel did exactly as she asked and as the car purred smoothly away he didn’t speak to her for several minutes. Some unobtrusive and soothing classical music drifted from the car stereo. She found herself marvelling at the way he knew exactly the behaviour she needed from him. Not a huge inquest into whether she was OK or not, or twenty questions about why she was upset. Just a calm background, which allowed her to gather her thoughts and fight the tears back into submission. Again she found him instinctively knowing how to act with her in a way Ed never did.
She used the peace to gather her thoughts about Ed. There was a part of her that was a tiny bit pleased by his angry possessiveness, Neanderthal as it was. The idea that she’d been able to make a few changes and make him take stock of what he had. If nothing else his jealousy, the fact he was so aware of the change in her appearance, showed that his regard for her was clear. She watched Gabriel wistfully, fighting the pang of regret that she had never been able to provoke such a reaction in him. He hadn’t even bothered to stay until the end of her styling session. If only it were Gabe feeling jealous, but he barely seemed to acknowledge that she was female half the time. She felt a rush of shame at how these thoughts betrayed Ed. She wanted things with Ed to work the way they always had, not be thrown into disarray like this.
Only when Gabriel glanced across and could see she was calm did he venture any comment. ‘Ed still alive?’
She gave a bitter laugh and he smiled his gorgeous lopsided smile at her. He’d always teased her about her temper when they were kids, describing it as a hurricane, against her indignant protestations.
The Proposal Plan Page 10