She turned on the light in the sitting room, kicked off her high heels and went to slump on the couch. And it was then that she saw it. A piece of paper left on the coffee table.
‘Sorry. Call me,’ she read, in Ed’s scrawling handwriting. Her eyes filled with tears that quickly blurred the words. What had she done?
Gabriel tried for what felt like the hundredth time to call her but the landline at the flat simply rang endlessly and he assumed she must have unplugged it. He’d been pressing redial since he’d walked back through his front door. Her mobile phone informed him that it was switched off and suggested he try later. It was no good, and he had no idea why he had expected anything else. Why would she react differently to this than she did to every other difficult issue or encounter in her life? He’d known her since she was six and her policy in all that time had been the same. Disengage from the rest of the world until you’ve worked out what to do. Except he was very worried that if he didn’t get to talk to her soon her choice of what to do might not include him at all. He picked the phone back up. He’d just have to keep on trying.
Lucy stood under a steaming shower, letting the water pour down over her closed eyes. She struggled to understand what the kiss really meant to her. He feels the same way as you do, her mind whispered. And if that was true, it put things in a whole new light. Should she just brush it off as one of those things, a slip-up? Did Gabriel want her as more than a friend? And if he did what did that mean? A short-term fling before he backed off just as he always did? Their friendship might be able to survive a slip-up of a kiss but it could never survive more than that.
Then there was Ed to think of. Her heart twisted when she thought how hurt he would be if he knew what she’d done. She’d been so happy with him for a long time. She had such plans for them. How could she ever make him understand or forgive her? And even if she could, what hope of a future was left for them now? Crushing her feelings for Gabriel felt like an impossible task; even shoving him out of her mind for a few minutes wasn’t achievable at the moment. Her guilt was growing; she felt she was adding to her betrayal just by thinking about him.
She climbed into bed. It was late and she was tired out from the stress of the evening. But sleep was a long time coming. She finally fell into a thin doze at about three and was awake again by six. Throwing on some old jeans and a T-shirt, she went straight to the kitchen and began lining up sugar, eggs and flour on the worktop next to the mixing bowl. She needed to think things through.
Gabriel was up early on a Sunday for the second time in a month. And both times it’s been Lucy’s fault, he thought wryly. He couldn’t let things lie. Not the way he felt now, and not the way he’d felt last night. It had gone too far. He climbed into his car and started the engine. Whether she was ready or not, they needed to talk.
Lucy made sponge cake mixture on autopilot. She was barely aware of what she was doing, but as usual with her hands busy she was able to think clearly. Guilt gnawed away deep in her gut. It was all Gabriel’s fault. She’d had everything under control and he had to ruin it. She passed a flour-covered hand over her eyes. Don’t lie to yourself, Lucy. There was nothing to be gained in trying to make herself feel better about what she’d done. The only person to blame for all this is you. You could have pushed Gabriel away, laughed it off. Instead you played as much of a part as he did. More, in fact, because Gabriel was a free agent and she was supposedly on the brink of marriage.
She tried to think clearly, work out how she felt. She took the two ends of the spectrum in turn. Ed. Reliable, kind, loving. Clumsy but endearing. Ambitious in his own haphazard way. She’d always know where she was with Ed; he was predictable, and that made him safe. And to someone with a background like hers those things were to be prized, treasured.
Gabriel on the other hand. Incurably, undeniably ambitious. He’d clawed his way up in legal circles. Partner of the leading firm of solicitors in Bath. Now courting senior partnership and still not even thirty-five. Interesting that he’d rejected London after his initial training contract, wanting to work his way to the top of a smaller firm where he could have some major influence from very early on. He thrived on the buck stopping with him. Inescapably unreliable. Fickle, commitment phobic. Best friend anyone could ever want. Better brother than a real one could be. Sparky, inspiring, challenging. She never felt as if she would win hands down with Gabe, whereas with Ed she was always firmly in the driving seat.
She wondered how Gabriel was feeling, what he wanted from her. For all she knew he could be filled with regret right now. Maybe he’d drunk too much champagne and was now cursing the demon drink for getting him into this mess. While she tortured herself about her behaviour he could be embarrassed and wondering how to let her down gently. Her instinct was to call him, find out what he wanted from her, but guilt wouldn’t let her do that. Infidelity had played its part in the demise of her parents’ happiness and in her eyes it was symptomatic of a ruined relationship. It hurt to think of herself and Ed like that. Whatever Ed’s faults were, he didn’t deserve to be treated so shabbily. And she felt so low about herself. She who prided herself on her total control of her life and her destiny, acting on impulse like that. She shook her head. She simply didn’t do impulsive; she did rational.
She knew one thing. She couldn’t have Gabriel near her until she’d sorted this out. It was all she could manage right now to stop thinking about him, about how he felt and tasted. To speak to him or meet him would qualify as infidelity in her eyes now, after what had happened between them, and she wouldn’t do it. She owed it to Ed to sort things out with him before she did anything else. That could be the only way she had of feeling good about herself again.
She reached across the counter and turned on her mobile. The second it found the network there came beep after beep of text alerts. Just as there always was when she and Gabriel argued. He never could let it lie. She knew him well enough to be certain that before long he would give up on the telephone and come to find her in person. She couldn’t have that. She would have to call him and tell him to give her some space. But before she could decide whether to read his texts or go straight to the point and ring him, the phone itself broke suddenly into Elvis singing ‘Blue Suede Shoes’. Ed must have reprogrammed her ringtone again. An incoming call. She glanced at it and her pulse increased and not in a pleasant way. Caller ID showed her that it was Ed on the line. She felt absurdly exposed, as if by her picking the call up Ed would by some sixth sense be able to tell that she’d kissed Gabriel. That she’d betrayed him.
She pulled herself together. She just needed to get this conversation out of the way and then she could get her head straight and work out how to make things right. She picked up the phone.
‘Ed, hi!’ she cried, in an overly bright tone of voice, which belied the guilt that stuck like a bone in her throat.
‘Lucy.’ He sounded a little confused. ‘I wasn’t sure you’d pick up after last night.’
Her heart pounded. What did he mean ‘last night’? Had he somehow heard what had happened?
‘I’m really sorry for everything I said,’ he went on, and she suddenly realised he’d just meant that he was expecting a frosty reception. After all, the last time they’d spoken had involved her slamming the door on him and then swiftly leaving in Gabe’s car. Any lingering irritation she might have felt about yesterday’s argument had since been beaten into submission by her new guilty role in the situation. But Ed didn’t know that, of course, and she needed to inject some normality pretty quickly if she was going to avoid him guessing something was up. She wanted to talk to him calmly about this once she’d had time to think it through, not blurt it out over the telephone and end up with another flaming row.
She covered her eyes with one hand. ‘Ed, it’s fine. Really it is. It was my fault, not yours. I was so preoccupied with getting ready to go out that I never thought how it might make you feel.’
‘Don’t say anything else. I saw you looking so beauti
ful and I got jealous. That was all. Jealous that you’d be spending the evening with Gabriel and not with me. I had no right to shout at you. I know Gabriel is just a friend, I should never have implied anything else.’
Her face burned with shame at this. How was she ever meant to make this right?
‘How was the night out, anyway? Did Gabriel make senior partner?’ He sounded genuinely interested, eager to hear all about her evening and make up for the things he’d said.
‘It was rubbish,’ she said quickly. ‘Boring group of dull career-obsessives.’ She tried unsuccessfully to push the image of Gabriel’s kiss out of her mind.
He sounded mildly surprised. ‘Shame. I know you were looking forward to it. Well, maybe I can make up for it tonight. And it’ll give me a chance to say sorry properly for yelling at you.’
She couldn’t bear this. Couldn’t bear him being so apologetic when she’d betrayed his trust without a second’s hesitation. Her eyes filled with tears and she swallowed hard.
‘Ed, please. I’ve told you there’s nothing to make up for.’ Her discomfort came out in her voice as irritation and it only made him even more persistent.
‘There is. I insist.’
She clutched at her hair in frustration. Stop apologising!
‘Come to The Abbey with me tonight,’ he coaxed. ‘Have a fun time, talk things through, eh?’ The Abbey was the bar they visited most often together.
She leapt on this. Talking properly was exactly what they needed to do. Not some stilted excuse for a heart-to-heart over the phone. She knew she had to tell Ed what had happened. She had known since she’d left the party. The kiss weighed on her conscience like a stone. She could spend today thinking how best to handle it, find some way to try and make things right. And perhaps being on neutral ground instead of in her flat or his place would help.
‘OK, that would be good,’ she said. ‘Can I meet you there, say seven-thirty? I need to drop some things off at the shop on the way and I’ll come straight there.’
‘Great!’ The delight and relief in his voice compounded her sense of discomfort even further. She couldn’t bear being in the same room as herself right now. Her mind refused to quit the endless reruns of Gabriel’s kiss, which seemed to make her heart race even harder every time she relived it. She had to get things straight. Now she just needed to keep Gabriel away until she’d seen Ed and her mind was clear. As Ed cut the call off she took a deep breath and clicked speed dial for Gabriel.
She didn’t get far. As she waited for the line to connect the entry buzzer sounded suddenly in the hall, making her jump. She walked down the hallway as if in a dream, her hands covered in flour, and picked up the intercom.
Gabriel stood outside on the step. His heart pounded as he waited for her to speak.
‘Yes?’
‘It’s me,’ he said simply. There was no need to say any more.
Her voice was laced with panic and he longed to give her a cuddle and tell her everything would be fine. ‘I can’t do this right now, Gabriel. I need to sort things out with Ed.’
‘Just ten minutes. Please. You know we need to talk.’
‘I need you to stay away from me…’
He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Sort things out with Ed? He had to get her to talk to him, let her know how he felt before she stormed ahead with the proposal to Ed on some guilty impulse.
‘What? Don’t be so ridiculous. You can’t pretend nothing has happened, Lucy.’
‘I’m not pretending!’ Her voice took on an angry tone. ‘But until I’ve seen Ed, talked things through, seeing you will just be cheating on him. Even more than I already have. And I won’t do that. I won’t make things worse than they already are.’
He didn’t like the way she was heading with this. The only way to deal with her obstinacy sometimes was just to storm on regardless and so he tried again.
‘Lucy, please. I need to talk to you. Ten minutes, that’s all.’
‘What part of no do you not understand? Please, Gabriel, just go away.’
‘I’m going to say what I’ve come to say, whether you like it or not, Lu. So you can either let me in or the whole street can hear me yell it through the intercom. It’s up to you!’ He raised his voice to emphasise his point.
A long pause. And then she pressed the entry button.
Lucy opened the flat door and went back to the kitchen without waiting for him to come up the stairs. Her heart was thundering in her chest and she hoped that concentrating on the cake she was making would keep her calm. She heard the door slam as he came into the flat and she turned as he entered the kitchen. She could see by his face that he’d probably had even less sleep than she had. There were dark smudges underneath the grey eyes.
‘I wish you’d turn your phone on now and then,’ he grumbled. ‘I’ve spent the last six hours trying to call you.’
She glanced across at the phone on the kitchen window sill. ‘I know. I only turned it on ten minutes ago and it practically rang itself off the shelf with all your texts. One message would have been enough, you know.’ She picked up a wooden spoon and began beating the cake batter although it was all perfectly mixed already. At least it meant she didn’t have to look into his eyes and hold that grey gaze. Her stomach did cartwheels every time she did that. It seemed her body knew perfectly well what it wanted. To be carried by Gabe down the hall and straight into her bedroom. But she had to control her body with her mind, and that was telling her to be careful. Be very, very careful. She needed to follow her head, not her heart. She’d built her whole life around doing exactly that. Don’t throw away twenty-three years plus a future with Ed, if you can somehow salvage one, on something that will last five minutes, Lucy.
Suddenly he was standing very close behind her and she felt weak. If he tried to kiss her now she wasn’t sure she had the presence of mind to stop things and talk to him. But he simply reached around her and took away the bowl of cake batter. Hands left with nothing to do, she turned around and leaned back against the counter, folding her arms across her body.
‘We need to talk, Lu,’ he said simply.
She looked up at him. His eyes held hers. ‘I know,’ she said.
‘I’m really sorry about last night,’ he began.
Her heart began to sink, telling her how deep her feelings for him went. It made her feel guiltier than ever. Did he mean it was a mistake? That he regretted it? If so, how should she feel about that?
Anxious not to give away her own feelings—that would make her vulnerable—she gave a neutral answer. ‘So am I.’
His face fell a little. ‘I’m not sure you understand, Lu. I’m not sorry for kissing you. I’m really not. I’m sorry because I haven’t been honest with you and you deserve a lot better than that.’
She rubbed a hand tiredly across her forehead. ‘What do you mean you haven’t been honest?’ she asked him.
‘I don’t want you to propose to Ed.’ She stared at him. The words spun in her mind. ‘You’re not still thinking about it, are you?’ He searched her face.
‘To be honest I don’t know what to think.’ She took a deep breath and looked down at her hands. ‘Up until last night it was all clear to me and now I feel like I don’t know where I am. It’s all your fault. None of this would have happened if you hadn’t kissed me.’
Gabriel raised his eyebrows at her sharp tone. ‘Quit kidding yourself, Lu. You’re just trying to pass the buck because you feel guilty about Ed. I can understand that. I can. I feel bad about Ed, too, but that doesn’t change the facts. I might have been the one who started it but you didn’t exactly fight me off, did you?’
She felt a hot blush of shame rise in her face. He was right. It made it feel momentarily better if they both shared the blame, but that was just window dressing. She had to take responsibility for her own actions, not dilute the repercussions by using Gabriel. It annoyed her that he knew her well enough to read her mind.
He grabbed her hand, entwining his f
ingers in hers. ‘That kiss meant as much to you as it did to me. Don’t deny it, Lucy. Not to me.’
She made the mistake of looking into his eyes and she felt light-headed. She would not let herself lose control again. A repeat of last night was not going to happen. Not while Ed was in the picture. She couldn’t erase the kiss they’d shared but she could damn well stop things going any further. With a stupendous effort she removed her hand from his grasp and stepped away, putting cooling space between them.
She had to keep a handle on the facts here or she would go under. She felt awful for discussing anything with him before she’d been able to see Ed. Just talking about the possibility of being with him felt like cheating. But the fact was that she needed proper commitment from Gabriel if they were ever to go anywhere. Proper certainty that what had happened between them was different from his usual relationships. She needed to know he was ready to commit again, not get cold feet after a couple of weeks. This had to come from him. He was the one who was incapable of taking a relationship seriously, of giving it his all. If all he was after was a fling then she would stop the whole thing now, however hard that might be. She forced herself to ask the question that frightened her the most. ‘What do you want from me, Gabriel?’
He moved towards her again, reclaiming the space she’d put between them, and took her hands in both of his. His huge hands enveloped her small ones easily, her fingers tingling at his touch. Her heart was beating so hard she thought he might be able to hear it.
He looked seriously down into her eyes. ‘I want you, Lucy. I want you to drop the proposal with Ed and give things a try with me instead.’ He smiled at her, his eyes crinkling at the edges, the lopsided smile she loved so much lighting up his tired face.
The Proposal Plan Page 12