by Smith, A. T
“Baby, I can’t,” he reveals sadly, almost ashamed of the side he is keeping to himself. I thought we had gotten past the hiding of his true self when he had revealed the need to dominate. I thought he had completely opened up to me, but I have been wrong, and I fear for his emotional wellbeing as I see him begin to close down from me.
“Yes Leighton, yes you bloody well can. I am your wife, your lover and your partner. I deserve to know what I am married to; I want to know who you are. I promise you now, no matter what you think I can’t handle, I can. I have been raped, abused and neglected for the majority of my life. I have been beaten to near death and threatened to the extent of repeated nightmares, and who was there to see me through, to show me the lightness at the end of the dark abyss? You.” I point at his heart. “You were the one who made me see the good, so Leighton I can handle you, I can handle anything this god forsaken earth chucks my way. So please, let me be your wife, let me help you and see that you are pure and good and true.” I kiss over his heart, laying my hand atop the beating organ. It speeds up under my touch, his skin becoming goose bumped.
“Angel.” He sighs softly. His hands stroke my head gently. I look up to his face, his eyes looking at me with the most intense love I have ever seen. “I’ll be there to put you back together when you fall, I will be there to hold you when life becomes too much for you, I’ll shelter you from the bad on this earth and I promise I will always love you and from this point, always be entirely truthful.” I smile to him, fluttering my eyelashes at him.
“I love you Leighton and I promise I always will.”
“I know princess, I know. And I love you too, so much sometimes I can’t breathe without you near me. You have my heart in your fist baby, every squeeze pumping the blood through my body, the body that before you, was just ice and stone, a barely living or breathing vessel of a man who had lost his way when his parents left this world. Finding you made me begin to live again Abigail, you made me want to be a better man. I promise I will try to be the man you deserve.” He leans in and kisses the top of my head gently.
“You are all the man I could ever need Leighton, and more. There isn’t a thing you could do to make me want you any less.” I kiss his chest again.
“I hope so Abbi, I really hope so, because the things you will find out about me aren’t things anybody should be subjected to, I wouldn’t dream of even involving you in the other parts of me. But if you’re adamant you need to know I will tell you, but please, just don’t see me as the monster I see myself to be.”
“You are far from a monster Leighton. My father was a monster, Phillip was a monster, you are not a monster. You are my saviour, my hero and my husband.” He nods once, sighing for the umpteenth time.
“Okay. I’ll tell you.” He comes and sits beside me, turning his body so he is on the bed completely. I follow suit, twisting myself around so I am once again leaning on the headboard.
“Since I was a kid, I’ve been different, and it started when I was fifteen. That was the first time I killed somebody, the first time I took someone’s life and felt a kind of pleasure course through me that nothing in this world, including you, has ever brought me.”
Chapter Seventeen Leighton
How am I supposed to explain to my wife, who I love with my every breath, that I enjoyed taking somebody's life, that I loved seeing the blood drain from their faces, watch and smile as they inhaled their last struggled breath? Even now, thinking about the last person’s life I had taken, her fathers, I can’t stop the surge of pleasure that shakes my fucked-up system.
How will, or can I tell her that a lot of the time, when I am fucking the living shit out of her, I am thinking about the next unfortunate person I will be killing, or thinking of the sadistic way in which I will do it?
“What do you mean you killed somebody when you were fifteen Leighton, you were a kid?” She asks me, and I can see her trying to stop the feeling of shock from plastering her perfect face.
“You already knew I started in the business I am in when I was a young boy, my father encouraged the violence I know so well. He was the one who put a gun in my hand, the one who let me go with him on jobs, who let me take control.” She nods to me, her body sitting at the headboard, her legs bent with her working arm resting on her knees.
“Well, it continued throughout my young life into my teenage years. By the time he finally let me take somebody's life I had already seen enough blood and devastation that it had fucked me up a great deal. It got to the point that I couldn’t actually go through a day without feeling that adrenaline kick I got from hurting somebody. I would fidget, shake and sweat until my father would realise the thing I needed most. He was the only person who knew the extent of what was happening to me. I couldn’t control it, I couldn’t grasp any semblance of reality, all I wanted was blood, and a lot of it.” Her eyes are wide and frightened. I knew she wouldn’t be able to handle the truth; she is just too pure and perfect. If she knew the extent of the torture I have bestowed on people in their final hours and days, she wouldn’t even be here, she would be as far from me as she could possibly get, taking my daughter with her.
“I’m not quite understanding what you’re saying Leighton?” She looks as confused as I am feeling.
“It’s hard to say, because I don’t want to scare you angel. I can’t put this in any terms that won’t make you want to run far from me. I can’t risk losing you; you are the best thing I have in my life baby.” I flinch as her eyes flare like a thunder storm.
“Tell me the truth Leighton, you promised to, and I promised I would love you no matter what. I can’t handle any more lies; I need honesty and openness from this minute forward.” I definitely underestimated the strength my wife houses, because the look in those powerful eyes makes me want to run and hide, yes me, the powerful, slit-any-fuckers-throat-happily, guy.
“I need it,” I state, not actually revealing the truth entirely.
“Need what Leighton?” she asks seriously, her body stiff and angry. I am pissing her off with my deliberate avoidance to certain questions. I have agreed to tell her the truth but it is harder than I ever expected it to be.
“Blood, death, destruction. The coke, the addiction I have to that is nothing to the need for this. Your addiction to those darn pills is mild to this power inside of me. It’s been hard Abbi, it really has, trying to stop myself when all I really want to do is feel somebody's pulse wither beneath my grip when I’m having a hard day. You’ve made it possible to control it, giving me your body to lose myself in. But baby, everything has been building up, all the bad things that have happened to you have been boiling inside of me and all I really want to do right now is go out and find some fucking low life to destroy.” I breathe out hard as I finish talking.
Her gasp shakes through me and makes my heart rise up in my throat.
“Leighton,” she says quietly. That powerful bright look she had had in her eyes melts away to a scared pale blue.
“Baby,” I reply sadly, trying to show her I’m not always the monster I have described.
“God, how are you surviving right now?” She gets to her knees and brings her hand to my face, stroking my cheek gently.
I lean my face into her warm palm feeling the love she exhumes. “My heart is breaking Leighton.”
I clamp my eyes closed, knowing what is coming. It isn’t fair to ask her to stay, to ask her to accept me, because let’s face it, I don’t deserve acceptance. I deserve a mental institute and a lot of lobotomies. “I understand Abbi, but please don’t take my girl away from me, losing you is enough but Mel, I can’t live without seeing her every day. I don’t expect you to want me anymore, this is a horrible side to me and I warn you it is bad. But every day, the urge and need is getting worse and more uncontrollable. I’m literally on the edge and about to fall off, I can’t ask you to take that leap with me baby, it isn’t fair for me to drag you down, but know I have and always will love you with everything I am and everything I w
ill ever be. But I can’t hide or keep this at bay any longer, it needs to be released before I snap.” I try to stop the tears as they fall, first one then another. Each trickle of water burns my flesh as I begin to hate who I truly am with such a raw loathing I’m not sure I will actually survive without the support and structure my family brings me.
Not even my boys, the people who have been my unit before Abbi, know about this part of me, not even Ant who I have shared my utmost secrets with. They would probably understand, would probably have some of the same urges, but that’s not what these are. They are not urges, they are black demonic viruses that plague my entire system. I can’t rid myself of them, I can’t purify myself because they are going to always be there, always latching onto my humanity like a fucking leach, draining me dry to the core.
“Leighton,” she says again, her face mere millimetres from mine. I can’t look at her, can’t bear to see that hatred and disgust I know she would be harbouring in her brilliant blue eyes.
“I’ll see you soon angel, don’t ever forget the good times because I know for sure I’ll never forget a single moment with you. I love you, always and forever, to the moon and back.” I look up and kiss her lips softly before climbing from the bed and walking from her room.
“Leighton.” She shouts after me. “Leighton,” she speaks again, this time with the clear sound of tears in her voice. I ignore the hurt she presents and carry on walking. I can’t stand this; my life is crumbling to the floor. My heart is barely beating as it lay on the hospital tiled flooring, the occasional thump driving the dried up blood through the system inside of me that no longer wants to live. There is no point in living because without Abbi I am a morsel of a man, an empty shell of a guy. “LEIGHTON!” I can hear her screaming as I walk the hallways of the dark hospital. It is late night-early morning and the only thing anybody will probably hear is my wife breaking down as I walk away from her. It is the only thing I can do, because I saw in her eyes and heard it in her voice. We are over and there is nothing I can do to change it. I can’t stop or alter this part of me, it is impossible, I have tried, goddamn hard. Reverting to sex and drugs to try and override the need but nothing has truly dissipated the feeling. It is always there, always causing me to kill some random guy here and there.
I leave the hospital as quick as I can, find my keys and get to my car. I pull my phone from my pocket, quickly dialling the one person, who right now, will help.
“Leigh?” he asks wearily, it is four AM for god's sake.
“Scott, I need you,” I tell him bluntly. Scott is like me, not in the kink department, there we are on par, but his mind works like mine. He is a psychopath. Watching him obliterate another person is far too arousing for me to be sane.
“Where are you?” he asks without a second thought.
“The hospital. I need you now man,” I plead. I am finding it hard to breathe or to even bloody function. Trying to educate and push my brain into telling my lungs to inhale or my heart to beat is near impossible.
“On my way. Need anything?” he asks me, knowing exactly what I am needing.
“Just my kit,” I tell him, referring to the bag that will be in my safe at home.
“On it. Where do you want me to meet you, the hospital or somewhere else?”
“The club, I need a drink and then I need to sate the need.” The den has served me well over the years of my residence there, and right now that’s what I need more than anything. I need to release this tension one way or another.
“Gimmie twenty man, I’ll see you there.” He hangs up and I start my car. I drive through the car park, push my ticket into the machine and drive through the opening barriers. I need something soon; I am shaking and sweating profusely.
My fingers are thrumming against the steering wheel, hard, the repeated pounding of the music playing matching my erratic heartbeat.
I have been strong for far too long, holding back all the bad, so I could give Abbi every ounce of good she deserves. But now I need to release, to explode, discharging these demons inside of me just a little.
I arrive at the club quickly, park my car on the gravelly car park and get out.
I look to the doors, illuminated with florescent lights, the regular bouncers standing guard preventing unwanted people from entering. I close my door harshly and click the fob to lock the doors.
“Evening Leigh, where’s Abbi tonight?” I have been bringing her here with me for the past three months, the staff and other Dom’s getting used to her presence.
“Not here,” I reply snappily, smiling arrogantly and walking past him.
I ignore anything else he has to say, walking to the lobby desk where the usual little redhead sits looking bored. I know she has a naughty side and I feel bad that she is unable to enjoy the facilities the club has.
“Evening Leighton, where’s your girl?” She looks shocked to see me alone now.
“Not here,” I answer, the same reaction I had given the doorman.
“Anything we can help with tonight?” she asks me, referring to the girls they have available.
“Nope, just having a drink then Scott and I will be leaving.” I sign in and leave the pen atop the visitor’s book.
“He hasn’t come in tonight sir,” she informs me.
“He’s on his way, let him know I’ve arrived and I’ll be at the bar.” I tap the counter before I make my way through the double doors that lead to a fucked-up sanctuary.
I push them open hard, the wood smashing against the walls a little on entry. I inhale sharply, the scent overpowering me. Feminine arousal and sweet sweat fumigating the air.
“Ahhh,” I sigh as I relax and walk towards the bar.
“Leighton Lock, good to see you mate. What can I get you?” Ralph, the old guy who works the bar asks me. He has been pouring drinks for the diverse, sexually deviant people who frequent here for as long as I can remember. He owns the place primarily, looks after the girls like he is their father and accommodates anybody in his club.
“Scotch,” I reply quickly.
“Tough night hey kid?” he asks me kindly as he pours a double shot into a glass.
“Ah-huh.” I nod as I down the warm liquid. I push the glass to him again asking for more.
“Want to talk about it son?” His face is withered, the years of hard work taking its toll. He must be at least in his sixties if not seventy.
“Not really. Just waiting for Scott then we’ve got somewhere to be.” He pushes the glass to me again, once again possessing that needed liquid.
“Okay, just be safe okay kid. No driving,” he instructs me. He has always been a kind man, always looking out for his customers and clients.
“Will do Ralph, have a good one yeah.” I down the liquid and relax as I feel the warmth of my friend behind me.
“What do you need Leigh?” he asks me, his deep voice penetrating my ear drums.
“It, I need it,” I say shakily.
“What’s it Leighton? There are a lot of it’s I can give you. Me? I’ve been needing it for a while and I have had to suffer, so please, do appease me and tell me which it you are referring to.” Snarky son of a bitch.
I stand and turn around sharply, my hand wrapping the width of his strong neck and squeezing. His eyes pop a little, those hazel globes drowning me. “Talk to me like that again I will slit your fucking throat.” I push him back and he stumbles a little.
“Jeez, what the fuck caused you to be so moody?” I chuckle at his referral to my temper. It wasn’t anything he hasn’t seen; I have knocked every one of my men out at least once, Scott more as he can be an irritating prick.
“I told Abbi some things about me tonight, and well, we kind of ended.” I lower my head and pinch my eyes between my fingers trying to stop tears from falling. I have to be strong right now, I can’t break down and cry.
“What the fuck Leighton? What did you tell her that would make her leave?” he asks me, shocked. He comes to me, standing face to face with
me.
“Things that none of you know,” I reply simply.
“Like what? We know everything there is to know about you mate.” He rounds me and sits on one of the bar stools, signalling Ralph for two drinks.
“I don’t wanna talk about it to be honest.” I nod my thanks to the old man as he passes me my third drink of the night.
“Tough shit buddy, I think you need to talk about It.” He places his hand on my shoulder and squeezes reassuringly.
“Fuck it,” I say simply, turning to face him. “I told her how I much I needed to kill people, how much my body craved the blood and adrenaline taking a life gave me. She told me her heart was breaking and then cried. I told her I’d always love her but I couldn’t change this part of me.”
“Firstly, Leighton, we knew you loved doing this, it was evident in your eyes and the stiffening of your fucking cock every time you killed someone. But I don’t understand why Abbi would tell you to go.” He shakes his head trying to arrange his thoughts.
“She didn’t tell me to go; I decided to go because it was clear in her fucking eyes she didn’t want me anymore, that I disgusted her. Jesus, I fucking disgust myself, and right now all I really want to fucking do is kill someone, even as my wife lay heartbroken in hospital, all I really want this second is to slit somebody's fucking throat. So please, help me sate this need and then maybe I might be able to breathe again and think rationally.” I exhale hard.
“You mother fucking crazy asshole. Why did you walk you dickhead? You just don’t see it do you; you don’t see how much she loves you. She would fucking die for you Leighton, knowing this about you isn’t going to change a thing, she’ll still be there supporting you throughout everything. But, you complete prick, you may have fucked your marriage up yourself by walking away. What you need to do right now is go back there and sort this out before it’s too late.”