by Blue Saffire
Kamara has this pull on me that takes up all my attention. I have a habit of honing in on her and forgetting everything else. No one has called me on it yet, but I know it’s only a matter of time. Someone is going to see right through me.
I want Kamara. Anyone else is just a place holder. I’m so fucked, I don’t know what to do.
~B~
Kamara
I wish I could say that my freshman year of high school got better. Ha! I wish I could say that my Sophomore year wasn’t a disaster. After Nellie left, I lost the little group of friends I had made.
Nellie had sort of been the glue keeping us together. Rebecca took Nellie’s leaving hard and drew into herself. Heather, well, she’s in college. I only got to hang with her a few times before Nellie left.
I didn’t know if Heather or Rebecca wanted to still be friends so I let them go their way. I tried to make friends with some of the other kids at school, but I learned quickly that they were just being nice to get me to do their school work. Not many around here are genuine.
I truly fear next year, when Kwäzē is off to college. These last three years have been beyond challenging, but my bright spot has continued to be the crush I have on Toby Black. He has only become more beautiful to look at with each passing day.
Even now, as his eyes hold mine in a stare, I have a hard time trying to catch my breath. He wears that copper hair a little longer on the top this year, allowing it to fall into his forehead and sometimes into his eyes. Oh, God, and that body. Have mercy on me, Toby has filled out in ways that should be illegal in any country.
I know I have changed in the last three years, since I arrived, but Toby, he is just a sight to behold. When we walked in, his back was to me. I had the chance to admire his sculpted back and tight butt.
Those grey sweatpants are a God send. The sweat dripping from his back, the way his hair has turned a darker red, from being drenched in perspiration, it is all mouthwatering. I couldn’t bear to look away.
My mother complains that I’ve become Americanized. To a degree, I do not disagree. In my village, it would be improper to ogle a young man the way I stare at Toby.
“I think you almost had your ass kick,” Kwäzē yells out and chuckles, snapping me out of my trance, as Toby’s older brother growls for him to release Braxton.
Wyatt is away at college most the time, but I have met him before. I have actually met Wyatt through his attendance at my family home. I was surprised the first time I saw him leaving my father’s office.
I have seen him at the house a hand full of times since. I don’t get into my father’s business, but I can’t say I have not been curious a time or two. The Black brothers leave quite the impression upon meeting them.
I like Wyatt. He is kind, but also watchful. I have felt as if he’s looking through me the few times we have met. I don’t want to know what he sees.
Sometimes, I fear to take a peek at my own reflection. I fear that once I reveal who I am to myself, I will have a hard time hiding her from others. Time has passed, but the time for my secrets to breathe life has not.
“Whatever,” Toby huffs, after releasing his brother and climbing to his feet.
“That wasn’t fair,” Braxton growls at Toby, as he wipes sweat from his forehead.
“I told you to kick my ass, you didn’t so you have to cover your own shift for the weekend,” Toby shrugs.
“I thought we were straight boxing,” Braxton complains.
“Stop whining, you wouldn’t have taken him if you guys were mixing it up. So it doesn’t matter,” Ryan laughs.
“Fuck you, yes, I would have,” Braxton snaps.
“Nah, Bro, you wouldn’t have, but you keep it up. At the rate you’re growing, you might be able to soon. You need to work on your ground work though,” Johnathan calls into the ring.
“Yeah, you’re getting better,” Wyatt says, pulling off his shirt and stepping into the ring. “I saw some things I think I can help you improve.”
“I almost had him,” Braxton frowns and murmurs.
“Only because he was distracted,” Wyatt replies, looking in my direction quickly, before turning his back to Braxton.
For the first time, I feel as if Wyatt dislikes me. I caught the look of disapproval in his eyes, before he turned away. I can’t help wringing my hands, as I begin to feel uncomfortable.
“What’s up,” Toby nods to me, as he stops in front of me and Kwäzē.
He has a towel around his neck, wiping the sweat from his brow. I try to stop my eyes from following the beads of sweat that trickle down his bicep. I know he has caught me, when his lips turn up in one corner.
Instead of waiting for my reply, he moves on, turning to Kwäzē. I’m flustered that I can’t find a single thing to say. Some things just haven’t changed. I still don’t know how to hold my wits around Toby.
“Man, I forgot we had plans,” Toby says to Kwäzē. They do that guy hug thing, where they bump shoulders and pat each other on the back.
I watch dumbly, as Toby’s back flexes with the motion. My lips part, trying to allow some air between them. I think I’m going to be dizzy.
“I bet you did. Last time we talked, you were preoccupied,” Kwäzē chuckles.
Toby takes a step back from Kwäzē and his eyes slide to look at my face. I feel my cheeks heat. I already know Toby has been seeing Kerry and the new girl, Patricia Grove.
Toby shrugs. “I guess,” he mutters. “I didn’t know Wyatt was coming in this weekend. I mean, you guys are welcome to hang out with us. I just wanted to make sure that would be cool.”
Toby and Kwäzē turn to me, as if I’ll protest. I have nothing better to do. I will not sit at home for another weekend to listen to my mother tell me how much she wishes I would open up like Kwäzē has.
Me not making friends has nothing to do with me not opening up. It is different for my brother. He has been here longer. He made friends years ago. In high school, most cliques are already formed by junior high or early on in the freshmen year. I missed out on all of that.
Arriving late in my freshmen year, did nothing for the obstacles I already had to face. I pray that college will be better for me, but I’ve lost all hope for high school. For now, I’ll have to be content with being my brother’s shadow, until I can’t any longer.
“I’m fine with whatever it is you guys are doing,” I nod and say.
Toby’s eyes roll over me slowly. His lips curl into that secret smile again. He turns to Kwäzē.
“I think my dad’s looking for you, man. He said to send you up next time you came by,” Toby says to my brother.
Kwäzē’s eyes light up. “Will you be okay here,” he asks.
“I will be fine. I don’t think I can get into much trouble,” I shrug and try to play cool.
Kwäzē takes off, as soon as the words are out of my mouth. I stare after him, wondering what has him so excited. I’m so focused on him, I’m startled when Toby’s words tug at my attention and his warm breath fans my ear.
“You can get into all kinds of trouble around here,” he whispers, revealing he is much closer than I thought.
I turn and blink at him. Those golden eyes arrest me on the spot. It takes me a moment to find my words. I’m determined to have a witty come back for a change.
“Maybe it’s time I learned what a little bit of American fun is like,” I reply breathily and bat my lashes.
Toby’s nostrils flare and his eyes narrow. I force myself not to bite my lip or wring my hands. I will stand my ground here. I’m tired of hiding how I feel.
I hide so much, all the time. I think I might burst. This, these feelings I have, I want them to be known.
“Kamara, you have no idea,” Toby pauses and licks his lips. He steps closer and dips his head lower. “Don’t play with fire, gorgeous.”
My chest swells at the endearment, but I keep my cool. I channel the woman within, hoping she has some tricks I’ve yet to learn or use. I think I surprise us both
with my next words.
“Maybe all that fire needs is something to cool it off,” I flirt, looking up through my lashes.
I note the shock that covers Toby’s face. This is the first time in almost three years that I haven’t been tongue tied and rambling. I mentally give myself a high five, when Toby stands, just staring. I think I have him tongue tied. And then, he turns the tables on me.
~B~
Toby
I don’t know whether to be turned on or frustrated as fuck. At seventeen, Kamara’s voice has changed a bit. It is still husky, just like the first time I heard it. Only now, it is smoky and smooth.
Hearing that voice talk shit to me, has me on the verge of embarrassing myself. My sweats are going to do nothing to hide how I really feel about this girl, if I don’t walk away from her soon. I asked for it this time.
I don’t even know what I was thinking, trying to get some alone time with her. It has to be the scent of strawberries and something spicy coming from her. Or maybe it’s the way her lips are shining from her lip gloss.
Her words keep playing in my head, on repeat. ‘Maybe all that fire needs is something to cool it off.’ Damn, the images that follow her words have my head ready to explode. No guessing which one.
I lick my lips, as my eyes focus on hers. “You wouldn’t last a minute. I’ll be up under that dress like your own personal warrior, Princess,” I lick my lips again and look down at her breasts. “So much chocolate. I have a real sweet tooth. I like to lick things, Kamara. I don’t think my best friend would like me licking all over his sister.”
Her eyes go so wide, I think they’re going to pop out of her head. I know I’ve channeled my best Wyatt. I’m pretty damn pleased with myself.
Then, suddenly, something changes in her eyes. I’m sure she’s going to slap the shit out of me. She looks away from me, taking a few steps back.
“I…uh…I’m sorry. I must go. Please tell Kwäzē I decided to go home,” she says softly. “Thank you.”
I want to kick myself. I reach out for her arm. “Kamara, wait,” I call.
She turns to me, but when I look into her eyes, they are haunted. I release her, not wanting to freak her out further. I have no idea how I’ve fucked this up so royally. I don’t know what I was thinking.
That immature bullshit is so beneath what Kamara deserves. I curse myself a thousand times. I feel like she is slipping through my fingers, as she turns and practically runs out of the gym.
“Shit,” I huff to myself.
“Let that shit go,” Wyatt says beside me, as he slaps me on my back. “That’s your best friend’s sister. His twin, man. The way you’ve been fucking around, that shit isn’t going to go over well.”
I hear the caution in his voice. I want to admit that he’s right, but I feel the vice grip Kamara has on my chest, as she disappears from my view. I mentally scold myself.
Kamara is so innocent. Seeing her try to flirt was too fucking sexy and cute. I should have known that my response was too aggressive for her. As if hearing my thoughts and knowing I’m far from wanting to end this thing I have for Kamara, Wyatt further warns me.
“A hard head makes a soft behind, Toby. She’s not for you. That’s a problem you don’t want on your hands,” Wyatt turns to look me in the eyes.
“Yeah, yeah, I hear you,” I mumble.
Wyatt zeros in on me and I can see he’s about to say more, but Kwäzē appears just then. I’m sort of relieved. I hear my brother. He may even be right, it doesn’t change how I feel. It’s taking everything in me not to run after Kamara, but I force myself not to.
“Please, I need to go a few rounds,” Kwäzē pleads, pulling my attention.
When I look into my friend’s eyes, I make my decision. Something is already eating at him. I can see it. Whatever he and my father just talked about has shaken him. I don’t need to add any bullshit to what’s going on.
I value my friendship with Kwäzē. For that reason, I’ll keep away from his sister. Well, that and the fact that I just fucked up royally. Yeah, I need to keep my mouth shut when it comes to her. Nothing good will come from me going after her.
chapter Four
Enough
Toby
A year later…
It’s been a long fucking week, mid-terms, basketball practice, annoying girlfriends, you name it. The only bright spot has been seeing Kamara every day at school. With Kwäzē in college, I’ve taken it upon myself to look after her.
Senior year is proving to be a pain in my ass. I have more tasks at the office, during my free time, which I don’t mind. Wyatt’s back home. I get to hang out with him more, since he’s been working for dad.
Although, I don’t get to hang out as much as I would like, because I have school. I feel like I’m missing out on all the cool shit. Hearing John and Wyatt talk about their nights compared to mine, sucks.
Then there’s school and the annoying shit. I’m over the girls I used to deal with. They’re all the same and worried about the same bullshit, prom and who they plan to get to take them.
I didn’t think I could be more annoyed with high school. Well, that was until today. Today, I learned what Kamara has truly been going through for the last four years. I’ve always known that being here hasn’t been easy for her. I just didn’t know the source of her challenges.
In Kwäzē’s absence, a lot has come to light. I’m ready to flip my fucking shit. I’m storming the halls like a fucking mad man. I can’t believe this shit. I feel like breaking something.
Bean and Brax are flanking my sides, as I make my way to my destination. First, I need to find a certain little secret keeper. Almost four years, four fucking years, she’s been keeping this shit to herself.
Kwäzē is going to flip his shit, when I tell him. I know he’s going to be as pissed as I am that she’s been suffering through this, right under our noses. The things I’ve learned have torn a hole right through my chest.
Kamara is one of the sweetest, gentlest people I know. She wouldn’t hurt a fly and would probably apologize if she did by accident. To know the cruel shit that’s been happening to her is disgusting.
“There she is,” Bean says, with determination in her voice.
Bean may not show it, but she likes Kamara. Our different personalities have placed us all in different directions, over the last few years. I know Bean misses Nellie and my older brother, Noah. She hasn’t handled that well.
I follow the direction Bean points in. My gaze looks through the glass door panels, leading outside of the school. Sure enough, there Kamara is, sitting outside on the football field bleachers, all by herself. Her big hair is blowing in the light breeze.
I’m amazed. I know the fucked up shit that just went down, yet she’s sitting with her head held high, as she looks out over the field. Not for the first time, since I’ve known Kamara, I think of royalty. It is just in the way she carries herself.
Even when she is going through hell, she manages to look like a pillar of strength to the outside world. The shit that she must have going through in her head. I don’t even know how I’m just finding out about this.
We’ve had classes together. I’ve seen the bullies that have been fucking with her every single day and I didn’t know what they were putting her through. It makes me sick that I know some of them personally. A little too personally. Yet, I never knew what was going on.
“Kamara,” I call when we reach the side of the bleachers, close enough for her to hear and see us.
Since that day in the gym, at the office, I’ve backed way off and kept my distance, when it comes to pursuing Kamara. I know I freaked her out that day. I would rather have her as a friend than lose her altogether, because I’m a horny bastard.
Kamara hasn’t flirted with me since that day either. I still want to kick myself for my behavior back then. It was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made, but I won’t let it keep me from fixing this.
Kamara jumps, startled by my voice. Yeah, that
has gotten pretty deep. I don’t miss that she quickly wipes tears away, before she turns to face me. Even with red rimmed eyes she’s beautiful.
I’ve heard the guys talk about her. Mara the body, they call her, but she’s more than a body. Yeah, Kamara is stacked like a motherfucker, tall and tight. Still, she is stunning beyond that. Yeah, stunning, a word I never thought I would use for a girl.
Kamara puts every girl in this school to shame. And trust me, there are a lot of girls that have shown out in our senior year, but none of them like Kamara.
Kamara’s beauty just has something about it. A grace and elegance that can’t be competed with, that’s what she possesses. It is beyond her years, something so classic and perfect. I know my brothers would tease the shit out of me if I explained what I feel and see, when I look at Kamara, but I don’t give a shit.
I think the girl is perfect, every deep dark chocolate itch of her. My ginger colored ass would be lucky to even have her look at me, the way I look at her. I often think about that day she tried to flirt with me, and wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t fucked it up so badly.
“Is something wrong,” she asks, as she looks nervously between Brax, Bean, and me.
“Yeah, something is wrong and I’m about to fix it. No one in this school will dare to fuck with you, when I get done,” I grind out.
“Oh, no,” Kamara gasps. Her face crumbles right before my eyes. “Please, Toby, I wish to leave this alone.”
“You’ve left this alone long enough,” I growl. “How long were you going to keep this from me…from Kwäzē? I can’t believe this has been happening all this time.”
“What good would it have done had I told you or my brother? They would just find new ways to make my life hell,” she says through trembling lips.
“Not on my watch, they wouldn’t have. This ends now,” I demand.
“Just let it go, Toby. It will be over when we graduate,” she sighs.
“Are you kidding me? I’m not letting this go. They flushed your clothes in the toilet, after breaking into your damn locker. This will only get worse because they’re comfortable enough to do it. This is bullshit. I’m not going to let it continue,” I seethe.