by Geoff Rodkey
Copyright
This book is a work of fiction. Except as described below, names, characters, places, product names and services, organizations, and events in the book are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any similarity to actual people, locales, products, services, or events is coincidental.
In order to create a sense of setting, some names of real places have been included in the book. However, the events depicted in this book are imaginary and the real places are used fictitiously.
Copyright © 2017 by Geoff Rodkey
Cover art and design by Liz Casal.
Cover copyright © 2017 by Hachette Book Group, Inc.
Hachette Book Group supports the right to free expression and the value of copyright. The purpose of copyright is to encourage writers and artists to produce the creative works that enrich our culture.
The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book without permission is a theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like permission to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), please contact [email protected]. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.
Little, Brown and Company
Hachette Book Group
1290 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10104
Visit us at lb-kids.com
First Edition: April 2017
Little, Brown and Company is a division of Hachette Book Group, Inc. The Little, Brown name and logo are trademarks of Hachette Book Group, Inc.
The publisher is not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not owned by the publisher.
Additional copyright/credits information is here.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Rodkey, Geoff, 1970– author.
Title: The Tapper twins go viral / Geoff Rodkey.
Description: First edition. | New York ; Boston : Little, Brown and Company, 2016. | Series: [Tapper twins ; 4] | Summary: “Twelve-year-old twins Reese and Claudia Tapper race to become more popular on social media sites in order to win a high-stakes bet”— Provided by publisher.
Identifiers: LCCN 2015040156| ISBN 9780316297844 (paper over board) | ISBN 9780316268301 (ebook) | ISBN 9780316380393 (library edition ebook)
Subjects: | CYAC: Brothers and sisters—Fiction. | Twins—Fiction. | Social media—Fiction. | Popularity—Fiction. | Family life—New York (State)—New York—Fiction. | New York (N.Y.)—Fiction. | Humorous stories.
Classification: LCC PZ7.R61585 Tav 2016 | DDC [Fic]—dc23 LC record available at http://lccn.loc.gov/2015040156
ISBNs: 978-0-316-29784-4 (hardcover), 978-0-316-26830-1 (ebook)
E3-20170330-JV-PC
THE OFFICIAL HISTORY OF A BUNCH OF COMPLETELY INSANE THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO MY BROTHER AND ME ON THE INTERNET
including
SOME VERY HELPFUL TIPS ABOUT HOW TO ACT ONLINE Ed. Note: (+HOW NOT TO ACT!!!)
compiled as a public service
to other 12-year-olds by
CLAUDIA TAPPER
from interviews with:
Reese Tapper
Sophie Koh
Xander Billington
Carmen Gutierrez
Parvati Gupta
James Mantolini
Jens Kuypers
Akash Gupta
Athena Cohen
Wyatt Templeman
Kalisha Hendricks
Toby Zimmerman
Dimitri Sharansky
And anyone else I forgot
For further information, contact:
Claudia Tapper
Instagram: @claudaroo
CONTENTS
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Prologue
1 I Might Have Just Written a Hit Song
2 Jens Kuypers Broke Up with Me in a Text Message
3 Getting Huge Is Much Harder than It Looks
4 Blurt—The Worst/Best Site on the Internet
5 Reese Gets His Blurt On
6 Never Gamble with a Fembot
7 Reese Goes Viral
8 The King of the Cafeteria
9 The Mysterious Chupacabra
10 Reese and Xander Turn Pro
11 Attack of the Followers
12 James Mantolini, Visionary Blurt Artist
13 Reese Jumps the Shark
14 The Furry Menace Saves My Life
15 Reese Falls Down the Comment Hole
16 What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
17 Never Give Your Password to Xander
18 I Pin All My Hopes on Some French Guy
19 The Blowup at BlurtUp
20 Reese Gets Crushed by the Bewbee Army
21 Marked for Death by the Lovefighters
22 I Snatch Victory from the Jaws of Defeat
23 I Snatch Defeat from the Jaws of Victory
24 The French Guy Gets Involved
Epilogue
Special Thanks
Illustration Credits
About the Author
PROLOGUE
CLAUDIA TAPPER, author of this book/6th grade class president/future singer-songwriter
If you think about it, the Internet is pretty amazing. It’s basically one giant network with all of human existence on it. Plus a bunch of cat pictures.
But the Internet isn’t ALL good. Because human existence isn’t all good.
In fact, some of human existence is dark and horrible and disturbing.
This is why you have to be VERY CAREFUL about what you do online. For example, if you click on the wrong link and download a virus… you could destroy your whole computer. (This ACTUALLY HAPPENED to my grandmother.)
And if you upload the wrong thing, or post something you shouldn’t, and it goes viral… you could destroy your whole life.
You might think I’m exaggerating. I’m not. I personally saw this happen just last month. And I decided to write this history as a warning to other kids about what NOT to do online. If you follow the “Internet Pro Tips” included at several points in this book, hopefully they’ll save you from having to learn a whole bunch of valuable lessons Ed. Note: like the one about viruses here the hard way.
Like my brother did.
REESE TAPPER, video game addict/soccer player/Internet disaster victim
This was DEFS the craziest stuff that ever happened to me. And it was so fast! It’s, like, one minute I was playing MetaWorld, minding my own business, like, “La-la-la, nothing going on…”
And the next minute, “KA-BLOOM!”
It was like getting launched into space on a rocket. At first, it was awesome!
But then the rocket exploded.
That’s the scary thing about the Internet. You can get skronked Ed. Note: not a real word (Reese made it up) (he does this a lot) (it’s v. annoying) into a million pieces without even leaving your bedroom.
MOM AND DAD (Text messages copied from Dad’s phone)
(MOM) Claudia’s writing another oral history Ed. Note: = interviews with everybody involved
Oh geez. What’s it about this time? (DAD)
The whole Internet nightmare
I’m okay with that.
Srsly?????
Why not? Seems like good teachable moment
We’ll look totally clueless about what our kids are doing online!
So what? All parents are clueless
I WORK AT A TECH COMPANY I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE CLUELESS ABOUT THIS STUFF
Just make sure nobody you work with reads the book Ed. Note: if you are reading this and work with my mom, SHE IS V. BRILLIANT BUSINESSPERSON WHO IS TOTALLY ON TOP OF EVERYTHING
CHAPTER 1
I MIGHT HAVE JUST WRITTEN A HIT SONG
It all started when I wrote a song. Then I posted it online. Because I was hoping it would go viral, and millions of people would listen to it and turn it into a massive hit.
REESE
Basically, you were trying to get famous.
CLAUDIA
I guess so. But not in a gross way. I’m not one of those people who’s totally into herself and desperate for attention, so she vlogs every day on MeVid about her shoes, or her nail polish, or how her dog barfed in the car on the way to the vet.
For me, it’s all about my music. The only way I’d ever want to get famous is by creating amazing songs that people love. And I work VERY hard at it. I’ve been taking guitar lessons for almost three years, and I try to practice an hour every day. Ed. Note: (or getting elected president of U.S.A.—but that is a whole other story) (which you can read in THE TAPPER TWINS RUN FOR PRESIDENT)
REESE
You’re for sure getting better. Like, I used to hear you practice and think, “Is she playing that guitar? Or just chewing on the strings? ’Cause that does NOT sound like music.”
But lately, I’m more like, “Hey, I think that’s an actual song.”
CLAUDIA
Thanks, Reese. I’m SO glad Ed. Note: (sarcasm) you don’t think it sounds like I’m chewing on my guitar strings.
REESE
Not as glad as I am. My bedroom’s right next to yours. And the walls are mad thin.
CLAUDIA
FYI, Reese and I live in New York City. Which is very inspiring, because a LOT of famous singer-songwriters have lived here. For example, John Lennon of the Beatles used to live just thirteen and a half blocks from our apartment on the Upper West Side.
And according to OMG Celebrities In The Wild!, my absolutely favorite singer-songwriter of all time, Miranda Fleet, just bought an apartment downtown for 20 million dollars. Which is completely crazy. It seems like if you spend 20 million dollars, you should get the whole building.
Anyway, not only have I worked incredibly hard on my guitar skills, but I’ve been writing tons of songs lately. The one I posted online, “Windmill,” was the tenth song I’d written just that week.
This is because whenever I have majorly intense feelings I don’t know how to deal with, I write songs about them to try to get my head straight. And I was in serious emotional pain that whole week. I’m not going to discuss why, because it’s personal and nobody’s business.
SOPHIE KOH, best friend of Claudia
Claudia, you HAVE to discuss it! You’re still hurting inside! You need to talk it out!
PARVATI GUPTA, second-best friend of Claudia
OMG, Claude, you TOTALLY have to! Not only that, you DEFS need to call out Jens for how insanely cruel he was to you.
CARMEN GUTIERREZ, other second-best friend of Claudia
Seriously. You’re writing this book to teach people important lessons, right? Well, you know what’s an incredibly important lesson that every boy on earth should learn?
“DON’T BREAK UP WITH SOMEBODY IN A TEXT MESSAGE!”
CLAUDIA
Okay, fine. I will discuss the breakup. But just for a second.
PARVATI
More than that! Make it a whole chapter!
SOPHIE
Totally. It should be its own chapter.
CLAUDIA
Ugh! Fine.
CHAPTER 2
JENS KUYPERS BROKE UP WITH ME IN A TEXT MESSAGE
CLAUDIA
Jens Ed. Note: “Jens” is pronounced “Yens” (he is from the Netherlands) (where J’s sound like Y’s) Kuypers and I went out for about four months. And we had gotten pretty close. So I really thought I knew him as a person.
Which is why it was basically devastating when he randomly texted me on a Tuesday night and broke up with me.
Since Jens has only lived in America for about six months, and his English still isn’t great, at first I didn’t really understand what he was saying.
JENS AND CLAUDIA (text messages)
Ok to just be friends from now?
What??
I just want to be ur friend.
Not boyfriend
Are you srsly breaking up with me in a text?
Is it ok?
Calling u on FaceTime
Y aren’t you answering???
JENS
Sorry cant talk lots of homework tonight
Ok if we talk tmrw before science class?
No
Not ok
We need to talk NOW
Sorry really busy. Had soccer game earlier
I cant believe this
R u mad
CLAUDIA
For the record, “mad” does not really come close to describing how I felt. It was maybe 10% of my total feelings. Ed. Note: other 90% of feelings were: -shocked -betrayed -confused -sad -barfy -heartbroken -MURDEROUSLY RAGEFUL
REESE
You were SO sad after that breakup! I felt so bad for you, I tried to get Mom and Dad to get a puppy to cheer you up.
CLAUDIA
You were just using my breakup as an excuse! You’ve been trying to get Mom and Dad to get us a puppy for YEARS.
REESE
I know. But I still felt bad for you.
PARVATI
Jens was just the worst. And I STILL think you should get back at him by posting that totally embarrassing pic on your ClickChat page.
CLAUDIA
I’d never do that. No matter how much he deserves it. It’s just too mean.
CARMEN
On the bright side, though, you DID get an awesome song out of it.
CLAUDIA
Like I said, I wrote a lot of songs about the breakup.Ed. Note: FULL LIST OF BREAKUP SONGS I WROTE: -Devastated -It’s Over -Brown Eyes, Black Heart -Deleted (aka The Swipe Left Song) -Textless -Jens Is a Yerk (WARNING: explicit lyrics) -Empty Vest -Brand New Me -Windmill But “Windmill” was definitely the best. It had an awesome riff, and the chorus (“One day you’re up and the next day you’re down / Life is like a windmill going round and round…”) was super catchy.
So I kind of suspected it was good. But I didn’t realize HOW good until I played it for my guitar teacher, Randy.
RANDY RHOADS, Claudia’s guitar teacher
I’m not jiving Ed. Note: Randy is from the 1970s you, kid. “Windmill” is a HOT song.
CLAUDIA
But you say that about all my songs.
RANDY
Well, yeah. But… I’m a guitar teacher. Being encouraging is half the gig. So even if some cat brings in a tune that makes me want to stab myself in the ear with a pencil, I gotta be all, “Great job, kiddo! Keep at it!”
CLAUDIA
Umm… this is actually kind of awkward. How many of MY songs have made you want to stab yourself in the ear with a pencil?
RANDY
Don’t go there, kid. We’re just talking “Windmill” right now. Which is HOT! No jive. That song could be on the radio.
CLAUDIA
After Randy told me it was great and helped me write a bridge Ed. Note: bridge = part in mid-song that’s different from the rest of the song for it, I played “Windmill” for my friends while we were all on a ClickChat video hangout.
And they pretty much loved it.
SOPHIE
If that song came up on a playlist, I would DEFINITELY check to see who the artist was. And I would get ALL her songs.
PARVATI
OMG IT WAS THE MOST AMAZING SONG EVER!
I was like, “I can’t believe this! You’re going to be a star! And I’m going to be in your entourage! SQUEEEEEE!”
CLAUDIA
Until my friends heard it, I hadn’t even been thinking about putting “Windmill” online. I knew for a fact that my idol, Miranda Fleet, didn’t start putting songs out until she was fourteen. So I figured I should wait until I was at least in seventh grade.
But after I played it for them, all three of my friends told me I absolutely had to put it out there a
nd get huge.
So I did.
CHAPTER 3
GETTING HUGE IS MUCH HARDER THAN IT LOOKS
CLAUDIA
The first thing I had to do was make a video. Because on the Internet, you can’t just ask people to listen to a song—you have to give them something to look at while they’re listening.
Carmen is very artistic, and she agreed to direct the video for me.
CARMEN
I’ve been wanting to get into filmmaking for a while. So this was a great opportunity. And it was kind of a challenge. Because you wouldn’t let me show your face in the video.
CLAUDIA
I didn’t want Carmen putting my face in the video because A) I wanted to keep the focus on the music, and B) sometimes when I play guitar, I scrunch up my eyes in a weird-looking way, and I didn’t want people seeing that and trolling me for it.